The Difference- Chapter 19

19

The slamming of the door startled her.  Had she really thrown it shut with such force? Well, big whoop… Not like anyone was going to criticize her.  She was back in her own kingdom.  Had finally escaped the fantasy land he had abducted her into.  Lisa chose to ignore the fact that she had been a more than willing participant on the ride.  And what a ride it had been. 

First she had jumped in front of his car, then into his car, then hurled herself off a cliff – blinded by the stunning darkness of two enigmatic brown eyes.  Too bad that little bitch had to call and mess it all up.  Of course, Lisa could not really blame Julia for trying.  This was Michael.  You can’t fault the fly for getting stuck in the Venus Fly Trap.  He was too strong of a force field to break away from.  Now, he on the other hand could have resisted answering the phone and instead continued their conversation.  But no- he had to be an ass. 

Had she really been all that unreasonable?   It was not like she had asked for the impossible. Any small measure of assurance would have sufficed.  And no, the mere fact that she was still here in the condo with him did not count.  Lisa knew Michael too well for that.  He had always hated conflict and just because he seemed to be acquiescing to a given situation did not mean he would not break into a flurry of activity as soon as he considered himself unobserved to get exactly what he wanted.  Michael was a master in all his endeavors- and he did passive aggressiveness like no one else on the planet. 

Lisa had hoped the morning would bring clarity with the same dazzling intensity that last night had delivered explosive sexual fulfillment with the emotional edge she had craved:  Her love for Michael realized in every touch, every kiss, every moan.  At some point during the night she had woken up, missing something.  She realized she had been deprived of the solid heat next to hear.  Usually such loss of the body next to hear equaled relief: whatever lover she had been with had finally decided to haul ass and she would be granted privacy and the use of the bed.  Something was different, though. 

It was Michael’s body she remembered.  Michael’s scent that had supplied to oxygen to her slumber.  His arms had held her close in an embrace that was the polar opposite of stifling.  For one horrible second she thought her overactive imagination had tricked her again.  That it was once again time to wake up to the taste of his kisses on her lips, the lingering sensation of his skin on her fingertips supplied not by reality but by amazingly cruel emotional and sensory memories.  She had jerked fully awake, a light noise intruding.  Her eyes flew open.  Panic swept her as her brain tried to orient itself.  This was not her bed- not her bedroom.

During her youth and crazy early adulthood, Lisa had woken up in too many beds, wondering how the hell she had ended up between those particular sheets she did not recognize.  Too often had she skulked out of a house or apartment, glad to sneak off before having to confront some guy through the haze of her hangover.  The sense of disorientation and shame had given rise to a change in behavior.  She started to take men home with her- and had even cultivated a charming little routine to kick them out when their usefulness had expired.  It was so unreal how her quest for love had led her to so many beds, to so many men, and yet had only served to expand the crater in her heart.  And it was not even like she liked sex all that much.  The idea usually was much preferable to the reality of sweaty, unfulfilling exhaustion.  Each sexual act, even those providing a small measure of anticlimactic climaxes, had heaped another stone onto the pyramid of guilt she had erected as the monument to her disgrace and shame.

Only one man had ever managed to fill her body, her heart, and her soul.  Michael.  His name reverberated in her mind, echoing with crystal clear harmony, illuminating the darkness.  She looked around and realized she was safe: she was in Michael’s condo.  The dim light source from the bathroom door he had closed but not shut drew her gaze and comforted her.  He probably just had to use the bedroom.  Lisa wrapped the sheet closer around her and curled into the comfort of his fragrance.  When his weight signaled his return to bed she smiled as he snuggled into her, pulling her close.  He obviously thought she was asleep, kissing her shoulder tenderly before sending his sensual fingers on a secret mission of exploration.  Playing along paved the way to having him slip back into her, making her whole once more. That tender, languid union was so different than their passionate, crazy love-making from earlier.  He seemed to touch every nerve inside her body and caress her heart which he again held solidly in his hands.

Don’t break it this time, Michael.  I don’t know how to trust you yet, but I know I want nothing more than to try.

Well, obviously, the closeness was very one-sided unless she counted physical proximity.  In the morning, he was back to exhibiting the slight awkwardness she had noticed the night before.  Yes, he was flirty and sexy, but there was something new- or maybe something old.  How many times did she have to overcome the same obstacle before another rockslide nullified her progress?

Well, Lisa, maybe you should stop treading those damn stones lose yourself.

Ok, so maybe it was true: maybe she was her own personal Sisyphus .  She had no idea if she was more upset at him for being vague and unclear about a possible future or at herself for not being able to blindly jump off into the abyss.  It seemed as hard as she tried, she could not deny her damn fear and paranoia that warned her to not surrender everything to him.  In the past, this had driven one wedge after the other between them, separating their unity.  Initially, the split had been almost impossible to detect, like tectonic plates moving away unperceptively but with horrendous outcomes.  Soon, and without having seen it coming, they were two continents.  The ocean between them was a small obstacle compared to the different worldviews and languages. 

Still, as soon as he was out of her reach, she wanted nothing more than to return to the former closeness.  Every time it happened, every time he slipped from her grasp, she swore to herself to do whatever it took to get back into his orbit.  Only, each and every time she was also to be held back by some internal, self-punishing mechanism.  Maybe she was really deathly afraid of being happy and content.   After all, at least the familiar misery of her current life was well known and predictable.  If she looked at it now, watching the fear of having him disappear morph into a threatening fog of despair,  was he really asking so much?  He was probably right: staying in the US now was not a good or healthy idea.  Her obstacles could be worked around, while his were insurmountable. 

But dammit! As soon as he made his demands with his silken, hypnotic voice, the old demons created by her mother kicked in and screeched about  manipulation, and she was powerless against the urge to fight him. 

All he had done was ask for time.   What kind of bitch was she if she could not give him that?  Did she really have to make such a fuss?  It seemed he had reached out his hand, but she had wavered one second too long.  When she finally reached for it, he already had pulled it back.  And then she had to make matters worse by trying to force him to get rid of Julia.

Sure, she hated the bitch with a vengeance. 

No, Lisa- be honest.  You don’t hate her.  You hate the fact that she had his attention, his body, his touch- even if it was for the shortest of time.  You hate he took her to brunch with his children.  You hate he took her to a party that was given in his honor.  And you sure as hell hate he fucked her right after nailing your ass against a wall. You hate that he might have shown her more emotional warmth than he afforded you that night.

Weren’t internal voices supposed to be helpful? 

Lisa- girl, you better start learning from your mistakes.  Or you will be as miserable and alone as you deserve to be.

Learn from her mistakes? What mistakes would that be?  Kind of difficult to pick out one grain of salt from the entire coastal line. 

No, she knew.  It was that old damn possessiveness and jealousy that had gotten her into trouble before.  Her love for Michael was so crazy and all-consuming that she hated and abhorred having to share him.  Unlike most women on this planet, she did not have to worry about in-laws or personal friends too much, even though Liz certainly was a huge pain in the ass.  No, she had to share the man she loved with every child on this planet, with every conceivable charity, and with millions of fans.  Sure, at first she had loved how generously Michael gave of himself.  But there were no boundaries.  It was not in him to close himself off when a fan approached him or a sick child called.  There was no “not now, wait for later” for them.  That was only reserved for her.  She had worried about him being taken in to a point of being taken advantage of.  And sure as shit it had happened.  Twice. 

Now, having the luxury of distance, she understood that he felt the responsibility to give back to the universe for the gifts he had received.  Also, she knew that he felt he had to act and give of himself when the moment called- and that she, his love, his wife, would be there waiting for him.  Well, Lisa had been sadly miscast as the patient, quiet, content queen of the castle, weaving some stupid tapestry and having babies, while the lord of the castle was out slaying dragons and searching for the Holy Grail.  She saw her role as fighting right there alongside him. 

Obviously, having her agenda waylaid by Miss Julia’s call, and seeing him stubbornly answer the call instead of focusing on her, had ripped the bandaid off the old wounds with searing agony. 

Tapping her foot, not believing her eyes and ears, she had stood there for several minutes watching Michael be the sweet and charming asshole he could be to everyone but her.  Inside, irritation and jealousy were bubbling- threatening to boil over at any moment.

“Michael?” She paused, then, not having been granted his attention, she raised her voice more.  “Yo, Michael! - I am going to the other room to use your phone.  I have to make some calls to let the kids know I will be there later when Danny brings them home.”

Michael tried too late to cover the receiver, then just abandoned the gesture.  His eyes turned back to her.  Oh good, he had remembered she was in the room.

“Yeah, sure, go ahead.”

“I’ll also call a friend to arrange being picked up.”

“What friend?” Oh, now she had his full attention. 

“One who deserves an apology for being left behind in the dust yesterday.”

His lips tightened.  Good, he understood.  And it was more than pleasant to see he was not amused.  He opened his mouth as if to reply, then suddenly turned his attention back to his call.  Lisa was well aware that Julia had asked a question.  Well, good- the twit heard her.

“What?  Oh, yes, sorry,  I am having company.  You know what?  Let me call you back.  And then I see you later.  Oh, sure. Let me give you the details…”  He spun his back to Lisa once more, obviously not ending the conversation right then and there.  What an asshole he could be!

Lisa turned, put her cup of coffee down a little harder than was necessary, and went into the bedroom to make her call.

Danny was startled to hear she was not at home, but she avoided his questions for now.  It seemed that Lockwood had not filled him in on the surprising events of last night.  Good thing, too: Even though she certainly did not owe Danny an explanation, he seemed to be convinced that she could not function without having his input about everything.

Next, she called Alecia.  Keeping her voice low, she kept her eyes on the closed bedroom door.

“Lish- I need you to do me a huge favor.”

“Hello to you, too, Miss Presley.  Where are you?  I’ve been trying to call you all last night and this morning.”

“My battery is dead and I’m not at home.”

“Yeah, ok.  No wonder, I didn’t recognize your number.  I almost didn’t answer.  Did you and Prince Charming go on a little get-away after you popped the question?”

“Not exactly- but I can’t talk now.  I need you to come and pick me up. I’ll fill you in later.”

She whispered the address into the phone, trying to be as quiet as possible, when she noticed the door being opened.

“Ok, I promise I will make it up to you later.” Her voice was now loud and clear.

“Ahhh…ok, you better...but why are you yelling into the phone?  I am not all the way awake.  Had a late night myself.”

“I know you were worried, but I told you I needed closure.  And yes, we will pick up our conversation from yesterday later. I am so sorry how we left it and I want to try again.”

Michael entered the room, his face an even mask.  He leaned against the inside of the door, seemingly disinterested.  Some inner voice was telling her that playing games now was not a very bright idea.  But he should have not fucked with her by cooing to his little blow-up doll.

“Lise?  Have the aliens you socialize with finally abducted your brain?  What the fuck is going on?”

Poor Alecia- no wonder she was confused.  Lisa’s rational side was right there with her best friend.

“Ok, just come and get me, will you?  I can’t wait to see you.”

“Whatever.  This better be good.”

“Yes, you, too.”   Lisa put the phone down.

Michael seemed to be chewing on the inside of his cheek and she saw the muscles in his jawline tightening.  The eyes shooting arrows at her were a total mismatch for the otherwise serene expression he tried to display.

“All set?”  His voice was deceptively quiet.

“Yep.  How ‘bout you?  Got your little date with Juliet all set up?”

The smile on his lips didn’t reach his eyes.

“Oh, is that what’s going on?  Not that it’s any concern of yours but I had it all set up to meet with Julia today- before…before…you decided to spend the night.”

She had to laugh.

“Oh, you mean, before you showed up at my house, knowing I was seeing someone?  Before we scewed most of the night? Whatever.  Have a nice day.  Hope she likes left-overs.”

“Lisa, really?  That’s what we did? We screwed? Do you have to act like you’re two?”

“Well, you know how it is.  You are so fucking smart and superior.  Thanks for slumming with me. I gotta go back to the rest of humanity now, your highness. ”

“So, that’s it?  Was that your idea of giving me time to think?  Ten minutes before you call in the understudy?”

“No, but you know what?  Maybe you’re right. I should be happy you didn’t make me leave last night. It was a fun night, Mike, really was.  Maybe we can be friends again- if you can fit me into your busy social calendar.”

He raised his eyebrows in surprise.

“Now, you wanna be friends?  Ok…”

“Yeah, that’s maybe for the best.  Who knows, maybe if we build on tonight and become some sort of friends again, you can be my best man one day.”

His eyes signaled an impending natural catastrophe.  It was too painful to analyze if she saw pain or just anger.

“Cut out the fucking bullshit.”

Oh good.  He was losing his composure.  His voice was still quiet and calm- but his vocabulary indicated an impending meltdown.  Fine- let him feel some of the furor he unleashed in her.

“No, seriously.  Hey, I appreciate you letting me borrow your sister’s clothes.  I will send them back to you later on, ok?  Thanks for all the fun and games.  It was…real.”

With that she tried to brush by him.  All she had to do was to gather up her clothing and throw them into her bag.  Thankfully she carried a tote as a purse these days.  She had asked Lish to meet her a couple of blocks down and with any luck she would be on her way home soon.  Away from him.  Away from the temptation to just throw herself into his arm and beg him to kiss her childish behavior away.

Michael seemed frozen, and she was pretty sure he would just let her leave.  He had never been one to rush after her when she made a getaway, after all. 

Lisa collected her clothing and tried to ignore that he followed her into the room.   The touch of his eyes left a trail of blisters on her skin.  Why wasn’t he saying anything?  Was he actually buying her little act? 

God, this all felt eerily familiar! Part of her screamed to turn this vessel headed for disaster around, while another part stubbornly kept course.  Next stop: iceberg!

Everything was stowed away, and she even found the useless phone she had chucked at him.  Hesitantly, she moved toward the door.  She looked up at him finally, partly hidden by her curtain of hair.

“Ok, I’m out.  I guess I will talk to you later…or not.”

“Hey- wanna take a baseball cap or something in case there are fans or reporters out there?”

“Yeah, sure.  Even though I remember the back way out.”

Michael handed her a cap and she slowly reached out for it.  Tears started to burn in her sinuses.  He was actually letting her leave.  Obviously, he cared as little as before.

Lisa! Stop this shit! What the hell are you doing?

She hesitated one moment too long, and before she knew what was happening, Michael reached out and pulled her closer by her outstretched arm, causing her to stumble into him.  Surprised, she gazed up at him, and found herself incredibly close to his eyes and lips. 
“How ‘bout a gold ole good bye kiss? Friend?”

With that, his mouth came down on her with punishing force, stunning her, claiming her, reminding her that their definition of friends had never really matched anyone else’s.  Michael pulled her close and as he took her breath, she willingly reciprocated the kiss.  The contact was a masterful seduction, a thrilling reminder of what she left behind, a well laid trap she had no intent of avoiding. 

When his lips left hers they both remained close, their eyes shut to anything but their breathing. 

“I’ll call you later, Lisa. And you damn better talk to me and cut out this friend bullshit.  You’re lucky I’m not spanking that cute ass for being such a little pain in the neck.”

He kissed her again, this time just playing with her mouth, savoring her lips, as she was content to feel him against him and taste him.  Breaking away this time, Lisa’s hand came up to his cheek.  How she loved to feel his unshaven, cheeks.  How many things would she rediscover she had missed?

“I love you, too- pain in the ass.”

Michael rewarded her with one of the bright smiles that seemed to be so horribly rare these days. 

Somehow, she successfully made it downstairs and actually found Alecia’s car waiting for her.  Lish took one look at her, rolled her eyes, and shook her head knowingly.

“Oh, fuck.  You went under cover with the wrong Michael again.  And don’t even deny it. You really need to stop getting them confused like that.”

How could she deny the truth when her lips were swollen from his kiss?  Her body still tingling from his touches?  Her eyes had that glow of the junky who just got a fix. She filled her friend in on most the events of the night.  Lish did not interrupt and only shook her head from time to time, laughing her deep melodic laughter.

“So, basically, you bared your soul, then your ass, got your brains screwed out, your heart torn out, then were compelled to a round of Olympic level childish games before you pretended I was Lockwood, which the King of Pop may or may not have bought. And I thought I had an interesting night.  Do you always have to be so fucking competitive?”

“You don’t think he bought that Lockwood came to get me?” Lisa knew she should be alarmed that Michael might have seen through her, but for some reason it filled her with hope.

“Who knows.  You know the man better than anyone seems like.” She directed a dirty little smile at Lisa and added a wink. “Much better…”

So, here she was- back at home, after Lish had dropped her off and then had to rush off to take care of her own mess at home.  Lish had her own tug of war with the man she loved to deal with.  Why could life not be easy?

After taking a hot bath, which did little to calm her nerves or the soreness Michael had bestowed on her, she started for the tenth time to dial Lockwood’s number, knowing she could postpone her talk with him for only so long.  However, before she could even enter his number, her security guard buzzed her, informing her that a delivery was on its way.  She scrunched her forehead, trying to remember if she ordered anything lately.

“I am not expecting anything.  What is it?”

“Ma’am- they say it is a load of gravel.”

“What? Did you say gravel?”

“Yes,- and the driver said he had a note to go along with it that he was instructed to deliver only to you personally.”

“A note- with a load of gravel? And you do mean as in ‘rocks’ right?”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“Who is it from- the note I mean?”

The name made her raise an eyebrow.  It was one of Michael’s preferred aliases.  What was he up to now?

Sure enough, minutes later, a small truck with gravel pulled up in front of her house.  She met the man outside.

“Ok, I did not order any rocks.  Can you enlighten me what I’m supposed to do with these?”

“Well, we are supposed to use them to smooth out tracks in your driveway, Miss.”

Her driveway?   

As her gaze travelled down the roundabout, she noticed some tracks caused no doubt by Michael trying to speed off yesterday after she had managed to totally cause him to gun the gas pedal.

This was too funny.  And so typical. 

“Miss?  And here is the note.”

She was almost afraid to take it.  No telling what craziness he was sending her way. 

With shaking fingers, she hesitantly took the plain envelope. 

Princess,

Sorry I tore up your driveway with my impetuous driving.  As you know, cars and I don’t always get along.  Hope this delivery will aid in restoring your driveway to its former glory.  I hope you accept my apologies for the mess.

I only wish that the tracks you left on my heart could be erased as easily.  But you must know that once again the footprints left on my soul by your presence in my life have been unearthed.  I thought I had been successful in erasing them forever- and yet, the truth is, the hurricane you are has swept the layers of denial I had buried them under away once again. 

I hope you had some time to simmer down- I know you were upset about me taking care of some things- but as I said, I need some time to straighten things out.  I know you are angry and I can only hope you hold on to the forces that for whatever reason seem to bring us back to each other. 

I will talk to you later.

Michael

PS- Don’t ever say I didn’t ‘rock’ your world.  Sorry, I could not resist! J

Lisa could not suppress a laughter, startling the poor man standing next to her, waiting for her to give him instructions.  She gave him the go-ahead to fix the driveway.  Hey, if Michael felt generous, she should not stand in his way.  Reading his words managed to stir up the millions of butterflies going crazy inside her.  This was the Michael she had once known: Considerate, slightly corny, but funny and silly.  During their marriage that overly playful side had at times exasperated her, especially, if he wound up the children in never-ending water balloon or watergun fights long after she had to bow out in exhaustion. 

Her mind flittered back to a sunny day in June, with her sitting at the pool, having just left the cool water after an emergency cool down.  Michael, who really should not be out in the sun, Ben, Riley, and herself had engaged in a heated super-soaker war- that somehow ended up with both her children and Michael ambushing her and getting her soaking wet before she had escaped to the pool.

“You are such a chicken. I can’t believe you ran away.”  Michael came up behind her, his voice almost hoarse from laughing all afternoon. He was still giddy, she could tell.

“Michael, you need to calm down.  Where are the kids?”

“They went inside.  I told the nanny to let them dry off, fix them a snack, and take them over the theatre.”

“I hope you told her, no snacks at the theatre.  I don’t want them to be up for the next five days.”

Michael laughed.  “If they are, we just call their father to get them for a sleep over.”

Lisa shook her head, ignoring him.  Her eyes remained closed when suddenly, something cold startled her, making her squeal.   Was it raining?  Wait- that was too cold for rain- icy cold, as a matter of fact.

Suspiciously, she glanced up at him standing behind her lounge.  He tried to look serious, but his laughing eyes gave him away.

“What the hell was that?”

“What?” He sounded as if he was choking on something.  She knew it was laughter, but right now felt like helping him out by wringing her hands around his neck.  He was so hyper!

“What do you have in your hands?  I know I felt something ice-cold.”

Michael shrugged his shoulders and looked up. “Maybe it’s raining.”

“Bullshit.” Lisa started to rise, but he pushed her down by pressing her shoulders back into the back of her chair.

“Watch those naughty  words, bad girl.”  He had started to kneel behind her, his head bent toward her, his mouth hovering just out of reach, tempting her like the most gorgeous fruit.

While she has a moment ago complained about having felt something freezing wet on her belly, she now felt a contrasting hot wetness developing between her legs.  Reaching up, her fingers delighting in the touch of his curls, she pulled him close, kissing those sensual lips as soon as they met hers.

Michael kissed her softly, biting her lips ever so gently, before tracing her mouth with his tongue. Lisa tried to engage him and he pulled back slightly.

“No, you were a bad girl.  I don’t know if I should let you play.  Plus, baby you feel hot.  Let me cool you down…”

This time, there was no mistaking the cold sensation of the ice cube meeting her calescent skin which was now heated by an internal flame. 

“What are you doing?”  Lisa squealed and tried to jump up again, but he again pushed her down. Michael drew lazy circles on her chest, letting the ice cube approach her bikini top teasingly.  Promising relief, but not fulfilling her wish to be touched.  Lisa felt her nipples harden, imagining the cool arctic treasure meeting the sensitive peak. Michael kissed her neck now, his tongue imitating the circles his fingers decorated her chest with, overloading her senses with the opposite yet equally stimulating sensation.

“Are you hot, sweetheart?  Sorry, I wore you out…let me help you feel more comfortable. Before I wear you out some more…” His breath on her skin provided the torturous touch of a feather.  She felt him reach behind and retrieve another piece of ice as the one he used on her had melted, deserting its orderly circles and dripping down her chest in a tearlike path.

Lisa could only moan as her body started to undulate, wishing for his administrations to cool down areas threatened by immediate meltdown.  Having guessed at her thoughts, the ice cube started sliding south on a crazy making journey from her sternum, to her navel, and into the cloth triangle.

“Michael…” Her voice was a moan, not a protest, “Someone will see…”

He kissed her deeply, his tongue invading her mouth as his fingers allowed the cool water to mingle with the heated pool of her desires.  Her pelvis reacted by coming off the lounge, feeling like she had just been hit by magical lightening.

“Nope, don’t worry.  I announced we needed some time by the pool...to relax.”

Good thing his staff was well trained to understand the codes of the Jackson/Presley household, where certain areas outside often became off-limits due to Mr and Mrs Jackson’s frequent needs to relax. 

As her body devoured the ice, it brought Michael’s fingers closer to her thoroughly stimulated flesh.  When he touched her pouting labia, Lisa no longer cared who might see them. 

“That’s right.  Where did the ice go, baby?  Gosh, you’re so hot, it didn’t really make a difference…Wonder if it made you even wetter than you are…you’re dripping, baby.”

His fingers stroked her before he approached her tight opening, further urged on by her little cries. 

“What do you want, princess?  You pussy is soaking wet- do you want me to touch you?  I thought you were too tired to play.”  Michael once again kissed her neck, sucking her skin as she held his head to her.

“Touch me…I need your fingers inside.”

His thumb found her clitoris and while his fingers stroked her back and forth, he rubbed her nub in tight circles with just the right pressure. Heaven approached as heat swirled inside her womb, and sparks pulled streamers of bright pleasure into her and started to spin them into a tight spiral.

“I bet you do…I feel your little pussy trying to grip me… Let me make sure you are wet enough…before I make up my mind if you get the big gun to play with.”

Michael let one finger enter her, moving it around inside her tight, spasming canal in circular motions, while she started to see sparks behind her closed eyelids.  Her hands pulled on his shirt, she needed to feel his skin, could not get enough of the heat emanating from him.  A second finger entered her, and Lisa screamed, as Michael’s mouth greedily came up to swallow the cry.  His tongue imitated the fingers inside, touching her walls, finding the hidden spot of concentrated nerves, and pressing against it from the inside, while his thump once again rubbed her clitoris in rhythmic circles, providing just enough pressure to provide friction through the lubrication of her juices.  When Lisa flew apart, Michael once again feasted on her sighs and cries.  He continued to caress and stimulate her until she calmed down, then removed his fingers, came around to pick her up, and carried her inside the pool house where he proved to her that he was indeed not done playing.  While he fucked her hard and furious, just like she enjoyed it, she thought that his hyper active tendencies were not always a bad thing.  And then all thoughts stopped as she once again became a spark on the colored rainbow.

The deep sigh brought her back to reality. Those kind of memories always managed to stir up a confusing concoction of passion, pain, loss, and love.  Usually, they also lend themselves to another round on the merry-go-round of self-destructive behaviors.  Vodka recently had surpassed other, more harmful actions.  Lisa was back inside, having in vain attempted to outrun the flashback to the safety of her house.  Too bad there where ghosts that could not be kept at bay by any structure. Closing her eyes, willing the memory to retreat, she was surprised to find the pain somehow different.  Something was holding it at bay, granting her the ability to hold off seeking refuge inside the bottle. 

Who was this stranger having arisen from unknown depths of her heart? 

Hope?

Was it possible?

It seemed that Michael’s note had not only heralded the arrival of shiny new gravel, but also brought with it a small, yet definitely real kernel of the golden dust of hope- a quality she had considered extinct. 

Lisa understood that the old Michael was gone- but so was the old Lisa.  They were different people.  Did different always have to be bad? 

One thing definitely had to change and be different: she could no longer lie to herself.  And she had to stop lying to others.  It was essential she let go of the security blanket that kept her heart safe and hidden, but also threatened to suffocate the possibility of a future.

Lisa picked up the phone and called Lockwood. 

Hours later, she paced her living room once again.  Almost 24 hours later- what a difference a day made.  Lisa had attempted to call Michael, but her calls had gone to voicemail.  She finally left him a message, thanking him for his generous gift of a once again well groomed driveway.  Tempted to hang up, she held on to the call, closing her eyes, taking the leap.

“Michael, I am really sorry I acted like such a bitch today.  You have every right to ask for time.  I know I also can’t ask you to just let go of everyone you are connected with.  It’s just…” She took a deep breath.

“I guess, it’s just that I had flashbacks of trying to get you away from people around you who dragged you down.  I know that was in the past.  I know you made changes.  And I need to trust that if I ever expect you to trust me.  So, I will try and stop being a coward.  And an idiot.   And it starts tonight.  I have something difficult to do- but I can do it, because I am committed to trying everything I can to keep that spark of hope I found alive. I do love you.  Please don’t forget that. I hope to talk to you later.”

Her stomach tried to convince her that she was not really in her house but caught out in the ocean on a little tiny boat.  She had not been able to eat, and also had abstained from alcohol in a surprising turn of events.  Lisa had to call Danny one more time, asking him to keep the children one more night.  He had been a little irate, asking what game she was playing.

The answer was that she was engaged in extremely high stakes.  Engaged in a dangerous, life-threatening trapeze act, she had to let go of her catcher, trusting that the new support would be in place to grasp her hands securely before she’d plummet to soul shattering obliteration. Usually, she was more than resistant to letting go of anything unless she had a sure back-up in the wings.  She never wanted to feel as alone and abandoned as she had as a girl when her Dad suddenly had not been there to warm her very being, tossing her into eternal winter.  The princess with a heart of solid ice- only to be reborn by the fiery breath of true love.  And so she had roamed the corners of the earth, bed after bed, embrace after embrace- looking for salvation.  He had found her- and yet she had been unable to surrender to him completely.  How can you expect someone to protect you if you keep running from salvation?

So, no, she had to clear things up with Lockwood.  He would, not doubt, be pissed.  Probably disappointed.  Well, she took a nice piece of pocket change away from him.  He always professed to not care for her money- but he also would not make her donate all her money to charity to prove his love.   Sure, she was a nice catch.  Who would not love to marry a semi-alcoholic with self-destructive tendencies and two children from a previous marriage, who continued to carry this huge torch for a man in her past? Of course, add her name and her fortune- and the package started to look slightly more attractive. 

So, the kids were squared away- and she had so far successfully evaded her mother’s calls.  All she had to do was to get through tonight.

The guard announced Lockwood and Lisa greeted him at the open door.  Exiting his car, he strolled up the stairs, avoiding her eyes. 

“Hey…” For a second it seemed he was going to lean in to kiss her, then he straightened again.

Lisa came forward and gave him an awkward hug- suddenly feeling slightly bad for him. 

“Hey- thanks for coming back over.”

“Yeah, I was surprised you called.  Part of me wondered if I somehow messed up blowing out the candles for your and you wanted to yell at me.” He gave her s alight smile and she had to return it.  Lockwood was not a bad guy.  He was just not the man for her.  And it was not fair to pretend he was.

“No, I figure we have to get some stuff out in the open.”

“Ok…. You look nice, by the way.  Are we staying in?” He took in her short white shirt and black tunic.  She had pulled her hair back into a messy bun.

“No, I figure we go out.”

She had considered it too intimate to stay in.  Instead, she had made a bold move, picking as her destination a place she knew would keep her focused as it was forever tied to Michael. 

Lockwood initially insisted on driving, but Lisa convinced him to take her car, not planning on being held captive in any way if she needed to escape.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of awkward small talk, he cut to the chase.

“So, did you work things out? Or should I even ask?”

“Well, yea…I have come to some conclusions.  I really don’t want to talk about it in the car, though.”

“Lisa- just tell me.  I am not an idiot.  I am sure you didn’t throw yourself in front of the man’s car to play Scrabble with him all night.”

She felt like she really should apologize, but for some reason the words did not want to form. 

Coward! Watch out- you’re just gonna chicken out again and keep the loser.  Grow some balls, will you?

All in good time.  She could not just spill the beans like this.  She wanted to end this, but she did not have to rip his heart out.  Unless his heart was not involved in the first place. 

When she made the next turn, Lockwood, for the first time, paid attention to the roads.

“If I didn’t know better, I’d think we’re going to the Ivy.”

Bingo.  The one place that would remind her who she was doing this for and what she had to lose if she did not cut her ties to Lockwood.  Lockwood did not know the details of events that had transpired on oh so many dinner occasions with Michael at this restaurant.  But he knew enough to appreciate she usually did not like to go there.  He had never let on if he had seen the infamous pictures of her and Michael, kissing, snuggling up to each other, touching- the night Michael had taken her out for her 30^th birthday.  The night he had decided to tease the paparazzi and the tabloid reporters with announcements of “a secret.”  The night he had made love to her like a maniac until they both were close to passing out from exhaustion and dehydration. 

Pulling up, Lisa, fought down memories, steadying her nerves.   Exiting her car, she took the ticket from the valet and, avoiding Lockwood’s gaze, made it up the stairs.  The manager met her, looking at her in surprise.  

“Miss Presley! How good to see you again.  And I see you did not call again.” He winked at her.  It was a private joke.  Michael and Lisa had often shown up without reservation, Michael insisting that they were too famous to need to call ahead.  At times, this had led to them having a private drink in the manager’s office, which, more often than not, had been a prelude to a night of making out, touching, teasing, kissing…

“I hope you can fit us in- I’m sorry for not calling, Marcel.  Again.”

“Well, most of the place is rented out today, but I am sure I can accommodate you.  Wouldn’t want to drive away one of my most loyal customers, Madame.”  Funny, how he still addressed her as Madame.  Some things just never changed.   

Marcel led them to a table in the small dining room.  Lisa was surprised to see it empty.

“Someone rented out the whole place?  I hope we are not cramming anyone’s style.”

Marcel looked slightly awkward for a second.  “So, you don’t know anything about it?  I thought…”

Now it was her turn to be puzzled. “You thought, what?”

“Oh, nothing.” Marcel cleared his throat. “Anyway, yes, the other dining room is rented out, and I decided to just close this one out.  But of course you are always welcome here, Miss Presley.”

Lisa thanked him and he promised to send a waiter over, closing the door behind him.  How odd.  Well, maybe he wanted to ensure the privacy of whoever his other guests were.

Lisa and Lockwood ordered some wine.  Lisa took a sip, staring at the menu, trying to find the lines for her part of the tragedy written somewhere between the appetizers and the salads. 

“Ok, Lisa. Just spit it out, ok. I can’t take the tension.  If you called this little dinner to break it off with me, at least let me have my say first.”

Of course he knew.  This did not require a degree in rocket science.

“Look, Lockwood….”

“Dammit, Lisa! Would it kill you to at least use my first name when you’re about to break up with me?”

Her throat was getting tighter and she swallowed.  Why was this so difficult?  It was what she wanted, after all.  She could not string him along any longer.  And Michael needed to know she was serious. 

“Ok…Michael…” The name was as smooth on her lips as Velcro on an iron rasp. “Look.  I know you realized that I have not been in this with my whole heart.  That something was holding me back.”

“Or someone…”

“Yeah, or someone.  I don’t want to be unfair to you.”

“You mean more unfair than fucking your ex every chance you get? Is that what broke up your other relationships, Lisa?  Is Danny right?  Are you charmed by the man’s cock for some reason?”

Ok, maybe this was not going to go down as civilly as she has hoped.

“Danny? What does Danny have to do with this?” 

Don’t get side-tracked, Lisa.

Right.  She took a deep breath.

“So, anyway.  Whatever the reason you- or my charming ex-husband Nr 1- attribute all this to, the deal is, I can’t be in a relationship until I get clarity about what is going on with me and Michael.”

“I can help you get that clarity, Lisa.  You are an idiot throwing everything we worked for away.  He is using you.  And you keep running back to him every time he feels like letting you back in.   Or is it a case of you chasing after whatever you can’t have?  Because, it seems like, he is just not able to sustain a relationship.  And I am seriously beginning to doubt whether you can, either.”

“I’m sorry- I guess I missed your graduation with your psychology degree.  You are no expert on this, Lockwood.  And no expert on me. This is way too complicated and there is way too much history for you to understand.”

“Lisa, I’ve been around for part of this history.  I was there when you cried your eyes out over him not being able to give you the security you needed.  Did you forget all of that?”

“No, I didn’t.  I really appreciate all your friendship.  But I should have never let it go beyond that.  I was lonely.”

Lockwood laughed in a humorless way before motioning to the waiter to get him another glass of wine. At the last moment he changed his mind.

“You know what? Never mind.  Bring me a beer.  I’m done pretending I’m something I’m not.”  

His little act of rebellion gave them a chance to order some food.  Lisa was not hungry and ordered a light crab salad, while Lockwood ,despite looking quite blood-thirsty ordered his steak well-done.  Who did that?  Well done steak?  Well, she pushed down the urge to correct him.  Let him be a hick- not her problem anymore.

“Ok, so, I had hoped we can end the relationship part of our alliance in a friendly way.  I hope you can agree and see that in the long-run it’s for the best.”

“Oh, good.  When we’re friends, will you run off to fuck me whenever I have the itch?”

Patience.  This was for Michael.  Kicking Lockwood’s ass and giving him a black eye in the middle of a well-known celebrity spot would not be conducive to a peaceful start. But, God, she was tempted!

She ignored his bullshit and ordered some more wine. Her salad arrived at the same time.  Great- maybe she could get this over with with lightning speed, then drop his ass off at the nearest bus stop.  Or call him a cab- if she felt really charitable.

“I’m really sorry, this hurts your feelings.  But come on…maybe we can be friends at some point.”

Surprisingly, Lockwood reached across and captured her hand.

“Lisa, don’t do this.  Don’t ruin this for you.  Is it about the sex?  Fine, if it makes you happy, you can get your little sport in every now and then.  I can turn a blind eye.  He won’t want you for more than that anyway.  And you can indulge in the illusion that he is the one who got away.”

Lisa pulled her hand back.

“Are you fucking serious?  You would hang around in some kind of screwed up relationship wile I periodically go and get my pipes cleaned by someone you can’t even stand?  And you would be ok with that?” She was so tempted to have some more wine right now.  What planet was this asshole from?

“Lisa- we have something.  I can keep you stable.  We have fun.  I will stand by you.  You will be the priority in my life- you don’t have to come last with me.  Don’t go just because you think this illusion you are operating under can come true.  He is not committing to you.  He never has and he never will.”

Lisa’s eyes filled with tears as she heard her worst fear spoken by Lockwood. 

“Lisa. You ran after him. You threw yourself in front of his car.  What man would not take a woman up on that? I’m sure you were convincing with your considerable charms- and what?  He took you up on your offer?  That makes him a knight in shining armor?  I tell you what it makes him, it makes him an opportunist.  What about the little chick he had with him at that party?  You think she is his only plaything?  He probably has her and some innocent children to top it off stowed away somewhere…”

When she saw him jumping up and noticed the wet stain on his pants, it took a moment to realize she had tossed her glass of water at him.  How the fuck dared he!  The haze she saw him through consisted of a luminous red. 

Surprisingly, her voice remained calm and cut the air around her like a diamond.

“You fucking piece of shit.  Don’t you ever, ever, say anything like that shit again.  How dare you? You don’t know shit.  And you are shit.  Don’t ever come near me or my family again.  I’ll send a cab to sweep you up- and the only reason for that is that I don’t want to have filth like you mess up Marcel’s place.”

Lockwood stood like statue frozen in time.  A dripping wet statue. 

“Lisa- look.  I’m sorry.  Seriously. I took it too far.  Can’t you see it’s all because I don’t wanna lose you?  Don’t do this.”

Unable to contain her impulses, Lisa gave him her outstretched middle finger before she ripped open the door.  Marcel looked her though worried eyes.

“Madame, are you ok? I heard some yelling…Do I need to call the authorities to deal with your …eh…companion?”

Yeah, that would be funny.  Have his ass arrested.  However, Lisa did not want to risk having the press getting wind of her little drama here.

“I’m so sorry, Marcel.  There was an accident and Mr Lockwood spilled his water on himself which got him rather unhinged.  He is a bit…mentally challenged you know.”

Marcel’s eyes went huge. “Ah…alright.  Don’t worry.  That explains a lot.”

“Yeah- look, can you send me the bill for tonight?  I know this is unusual, but here- for your trouble.” Lisa handed him two fifty dollar bills she had in her purse for emergencies.

“No, no, Madame- it is quite alright.  Do not worry yourself. Just make sure you are alright.”

Suddenly, Marcel’s kindness brought tears to her eyes again.  The strain was getting too much.  Well, she had done it.  As messy as it was, this episode of her life was over and done with. Emotions overwhelmed her and Lisa felt dizzy and unsure.  Breathing started to be difficult and the air felt thick and stifling.  Huge sledgehammers started to attack her temples as a pounding headache set in.

Marcel assured her he would have her car brought around to the back as she wanted to ensure she would not be detected by any lurking paps. 

Hearing Lockwood open the dining room door, she turned and fled.  Rushing through the dark corridor, Lisa longed to be outside, breathing the summer air, enjoying this new kind of freedom.  Her frantic escape was hampered by the solid chest of the man she ran into with a thump.

“I’m so sorry…” She was about to brush by him, when his hands reached out to steady her, capturing her shoulders.   Her gaze flew up and she met those intense eyes that could not be hidden by the shades.

What the fuck?

“Michael? What…?”

“Lisa- what in the world are you doing…here. And why do you look like you’re getting away from a murder scene?”

Confusions enshrouded her mind.  What was going on here?  Why was Michael here? At their place?

“Oh great.  How lovely to have you join us on yet another social occasion, Lisa-Marie.”

Her eyes flew to the familiar frame she had so far not detected in the dimly lit hall. Great.  He was here with her.  She had just defended his name by dousing Lockwood and he was out on the town desecrating their restaurant with the little slut.

“Hello, June. Enjoy dinner.  Maybe Michael can show you the manager’s office later.  He loves to enjoy his desert there.  And he won’t even mess up your dress too much- considering he likes walls.”

With that she twisted away from Michael’s grip, evaded the fire scalding her from his eyes, and once again rushed toward the door, throwing it open.  Her car, and thus freedom and deliverance were beckoning her.

“Lisa! Don’t you dare leave like this. What is going on with you? Lisa!”

Ignoring him, Lisa handed the valet at tip and scrambled into her car.  She threw the door closed, and put the car into drive, when she noticed, Michael had come around, attempting to open her door. 

Quickly, she engaged the locks, then gunned the gas, pulling off.  Through the diamond sparkling curtain of her tears she watched him being almost pulled down, standing in the street, staring after her.

She thought she saw him running his hand through his hair, shaking his head in frustration before he turned and walked back inside.  She seriously hoped he would choke on his dinner before catching a deadly STD from the skank he had brought with him.

Well, she was free.  Free from Lockwood and probably free from Michael as well.  From somewhere deep inside, a crazy laughter bubbled up and erupted, shaking her, making it difficult to see as tears tumbled down her cheeks.  The sound soon turned to desperate sobbing as she allowed herself a moment of heart wrenching desperation.  Why was the price of freedom and courage a knife to the heart?  And why could she not stop the pain when he did not deserve an ounce of her agony? Well, she was done. This was it.  She was done hitting her head against the wall.  For all she cared, he could pack up and leave tomorrow- and he could take his gorgeous little toy with him.  It was over.  Once and for all. She cut him loose and she hoped he would tumble down the waterfall while she could scramble to safe land.

(to be continued)



©2011 Erika B Michaels. All Rights Reserved. This story is a work of fiction. Any names, places, and other identifying features are used in a fictional manner, for entertainment purposes only, and are in no way representative of actual events. This work may not be reproduced, copied, transmitted, or stored without expressed written permission by Erika B Michaels. All photos and images, mentioned songs or song titles are copyright their creators. 

The Difference is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License