IMPORTANT NEWS UPDATE:
The LAST chapter of Fateful Encounters
has been posted today, July 31 2011, on:
http://www.planetjackson.net/fateful-encounters.html
Thank you to all my readers of this long running story- and look for it to be posted in its entirety on this site soon.
Now- back to THE DIFFERENCE...
(with an update in the works...)
27
Leaning against the once again closed door, Lisa squeezed her eyes shut, attempting to keep the darn hotel from swaying.
"I think you just caused an earth quake somewhere in the world. Didn't want to buy a magazine subscription, hum? Or those darn Scientologists come knocking… Oh- oops, sorry."
For a second Lisa had totally forgotten Alecia's presence. Her brain had gone into stun-mode, leaving no room for anything but those deceivingly soft eyes and the velvet voice that could cut like steel. Somehow the experience was akin to being taken off a respirator: no matter how desperately you had longed for that first breath- it hurt like hell once the tube came out. And yet you knew it was necessary to continue living normally.
Shit! Michael? What was he doing here? How had he gotten here so fast?
I thought you wanted to talk to him- set him straight. Tell him how it is and then kick his teeth in? After you hug him to make sure he is alive and as well as can be…
Sure- but she had not really expected to see him outside her suite. Not even 24 hours after she thought he was going to take flying lessons without wings. The thought still made her nauseous.
"Fuck!"
This was so frustrating! There had not been time to prepare. Of course, it was doubtful if adequate preparation existed.
You gotta face him. You wanna face him. And you wanna make sure he is ok. And then there are some other things you wanna do…
No, she did not. She was over all that craziness. The only reason for wanting to see him was to get closure.
Lisa, you are such a fucking liar. They day you are both dead and buried is the day you might have closure. Maybe…
Maybe squeezing her eyes shut tighter would shut up that ridiculous, stupid inner voice.
"Lisa, what in the world has you acting like a crazy loon. Oh- don't tell me it's he who shall not be mentioned..."
Lisa turned to Lish and rolled her eyes. Her friend almost dropped the crumpet she had been nibbling on, dipping it in her vodka periodically. A sly smile spread across Alecia's face.
"Boy's got game! And balls. Unless he ran. Jeez- open back up, I don't wanna give up my front row seat to Clash of the Titans part one million."
Of course, Lish would find this funny. Anyone who was not featured in the drama, would be rolling at her current dilemma. Slap him or kiss him…
She ripped the door back open and sure enough, there he was. Persistent, annoying, amazing man.
"Still here?"
"I haven’t left."
"No shit, I can see that."
"Can you at least say hello and let me in?"
Lisa grabbed him by the top of his jacket with both hands and pulled him into the room and against her. Michael, totally stunned by her move, lost his balance and collided hard with her. Surprising both herself and him, she pulled his head down to her and without losing a thought on what she was doing, captured his mouth. For a second she was wondering why he was kissing her, then remembered it was her who had ambushed him- this time. A nanosecond later, all thoughts became diluted into the acidic, heavenly primordial concoction of lust, love, heat, and electricity. The familiar taste of cinnamon filled her taste buds as her tongue welcomed his and they collided. Somewhere in the back of her mind she thought he must have just gotten rid of the ever present chewing gum that often annoyed the daylights out of her. How considerate. No more coherent thoughts followed. The sparks racing through her set off enough energy to power a small city- or continent. They also triggered the connected alarm circuits.
What they heck was she doing? This was not even close to how this should go. But, God! What was she supposed to do or feel?
Michael was here. He was alive- and he looked well. How dared he look this amazing after having just won one of the hardest struggles of his life? She knew- she had fought that battle before herself. And she had looked like shit as a result. While he looked pale and thin- but still otherworldly gorgeous. At least he could have had the decency to look like death warmed over. As long as he was alive.
She heard the sound and was not sure if the moan mixing with Alecia’s fake cough was born in her soul or his. It sufficed to make her pull away as if his lips suddenly had singed her.
“What the hell…”
“Lisa…”
They stared at each other and her own confusion as well as the heady concoction of desire and passion was mirrored in the dark pools threatening to swallow her whole.
She responded in the only way that made sense.
The slap had him reeling backward, grabbing his cheek. Oh shit, she was way out of control.
So much for the dilemma of whether to slap or kiss him. Who said you had to make hard choices in life? At times you can have it all!
“Ok, Thing One and Thing Two- I would tell you two dummies to get a room, but then I have to find somewhere else to sleep. Also, I fear that if I leave, someone will end up dead or worse in here.”
Michael for the first time noticed they had company. He glanced at Lisa, then over at Lish, blushing. Oh no, he was not going to turn all boyish and shy now, was he?
“Hi, Alicia. Sorry for the show. Nice to see you again."
Should she be annoyed or comforted by his level of cockiness? And he better not even try to charm Lish- she was her friend and solidly in her corner.
"I would tell you that it was great to see you as well, but Lisa is shooting darts at me, so I'll just say hi."
Traitor.
"Well, one never knows with Lisa. She is full of conflicting messages today, seems like."
Michael touched his lips and she wished she could just rewind the last minutes and omit the kiss. As nicely as it had felt... Ok, she really needed to get her head back into the game. The angry red splotch on his face showing the outline of her palm glared at her and didn't make her feel any better.
"When you two are done pretending I'm not in the room, can you answer what the hell you are you doing here?"
"I thought, I'd come by and say hello, since we happen to stay at the same hotel."
Lisa chewed on her bottom lip. Ok, so obviously he knew she had been aware if his reservation which preceded hers.
"I meant how did you get here so quickly?"
"I took the elevator. - Oh, England? I took one of those nice modern contraptions called airplanes. They come in handy." Michael was surprisingly playful for a man who only hours ago had sounded broken and lost. His ability to bounce back both amazed and annoyed her. Or maybe it was simply his skills in masking his true emotions that pushed her buttons.
Alecia burst out laughing despite Lisa's warning look.
Sighing in frustration, Lisa turned and headed for safety. Which at that moment meant the bedroom.
"Lisa, come on. We need to talk. I really need to..."
Turning on a dime, she stopped him with a defensively upheld hand.
"I don't care what you need right now. If you want to have an adult conversation you just gonna have to give me a moment. I...I got a call to make."
Michael lowered his head, shrugged his shoulders, and took a step back, indicating he was giving her space. This was almost funny: in the past, "having to make a call" had been his secret code to get him out of any conversation he wanted to avoid. No doubt, the irony was not lost on him, either.
Well, he could cool his heels talking to his newest little fan out there, while she regrouped to remind herself of her original purpose of coming to this city which always acted like a key to the secret vault of memories she had managed to suppress. When she had first found out he was staying at the hotel that had once been the setting to a rebirth of their relationship, it had seemed a prudent idea to reside anywhere but there. Then, it had become a challenge. She would prove to herself and to him that he could no longer get to her and that no environmental cue would push her over the edge. Not a smart move at all, since every corner so far had triggered vivid flashbacks.
It was extremely difficult to stay mad at someone whose eyes were always visible behind your closed lids and whose touch seemed to linger just out of reach when tossing and turning in a bed so similar to the ones they had tossed and turned in a different way before.
After arriving in London, Lisa had crafted a strong script of things she wanted to say to Michael. She cared little if he had found out how he had been played or not. He was going to listen to her. Nothing he had to contribute mattered. This was about her and her need to convey how destructive his betrayal had been.
Having their history to fall back on, she could almost write the dialogue of what was to come. No doubt, Michael would counter her words with his own version of past transgressions and instances where she had, according to him, drawn blood. In the past months, she had come to fully comprehend just how alone and abandoned he had been during the trial and after-especially after she had cut and run. She didn’t need a reminder and he could just save his breath.
Well, if this was a competition of who did what to whom, she was ready to accept her share of the blame. There had been times she had listened to the wrong people with disastrous consequences. She had apologized and had atoned. She had swallowed her pride and begged and pleaded with him over and over. She had tried to reshape and re-form herself to fit the mold of his imagination of how things should be. And it had almost broken her. The clay had turned brittle and dry, and the misshapen creation was falling of the potter’s wheel. Still, she could have made it had he been there to support her and believe her when she so badly needed him. All he had to do was dip his hands into the water of understanding and support to once again turn her into the vessel of love she wanted to be for him. But no, he had been right- he obviously had lost his ability to believe. And then he had gone in for the final kill. It had not been a merciful, fast, cut, either…
So, no. She was not ready to forgive this time. And she wanted him to know she considered her debt paid in full. His fate could go ahead and have him now. She abdicated any responsibility.
Then, typical Michael, he had managed to upset her well made plans by not showing up. Try as she might, she was not able to find out the reason for him not being on schedule.
"He did not keep to the arranged time to be in London" was as good an answer as she got.
As Lisa tried to kill time by hanging out with her friend the Duchess and Alecia, who of course got along famously, she grew more and more antsy. How typical of him to not adhere to plans and be late. And how indicative of his disregard for anyone's agenda but his own.
Like he knew you would be there?
Ok, no, but still... She needed to get this over with and figure out what to do with the rest of her life. Without him.
Amid the irritation and restlessness, a general feeling of dread also started to fill her mind and her dreams. Slowly, but surely, the clarity of her mind was invaded by darkness, like ink spreading in a pool of water.
One night, she was assaulted by a dream that started like a fairy tale with her and Michael sitting on this lush hillside, having a picnic. They were laughing and kissing, and the part of her mind knowing this was a dream wanted to just curl up and dissolve into tears. Then, suddenly, everything turned dark as the earth beneath them started to revolt and tremble. The ground ripped open as if pulled apart by giant hands, separating her from Michael despite her best efforts to hold on to his hands. The gash before her widened into a bottomless chasm. Screaming his name, her only thoughts were of panic to not be with him should she die.
"Baby girl. Don't worry, hold on, I can make it. I can do it."
Lisa cried, trying to dissuade him from jumping. There was no way he could clear the crater!
"Don't - stay there. Don't risk it. It's too wide."
His only response was a smile and he touched his heart, then his lips in their gesture if love. Then he launched himself and she screamed again, unable to look away.
For a second it looked as if he indeed could make it, then, just as he was about to land, another jolt widened the gap, allowing only for his hands to grasp the edges. Lisa ran up and reached for him, trying her best to pull him to safety.
"Michael- just hold my hand- I won't let you go!"
"I won't pull you down. I love you. I always will..."
"Shut up and let me help you...we can do this"
Stubbornly, and ready to take on any fate, she blinked her tears away. No one would steal him from her again. The only feeling fueling her was iron strong resolve.
"It's not up to us. It's my choice and I need to let you go."
"Who always makes you the boss?"
"Stubborn broad..."
When he did let go he seemed to stay suspended for an eternal second. Lisa lounged and reached for him, only to have him smile at her and slip from her grasp, slowly disappearing into the darkness beneath him like a falling comet, somehow shrouded in mysterious light.
Sitting up with a start, she realized she had screamed again. Lish darted into the room, holding her shaking body, comforting her, assuring her it had only been a bad dream.
Still, the feeling had been only too real, and Lisa chose to stay awake, spending most of the day in a funky haze. To make things worse, she was not able to reach the kids until finally, Riley answered the phone.
After the obligatory maternal chewing out about not answering the calls and some unimportant message from her mother Riley had been coerced into passing on, Lisa sensed her daughter seemed to be beating around the bush about something.
"Any news from Michael?"
While Lisa had never officially informed anyone about her reason to travel to London, she was well aware that her daughter had Michael radar and was not easily fooled.
"Michael? Why would I talk to Lockwood? Told you I was done."
More than likely, her tone was not nearly as nonchalantly innocent as intended.
"Funny, Mom. Ok, whatever. But I got an interesting call today."
Immediately, her heart dropped even as her hopes soared.
"Oh yeah? Funny, how?"
"Funny, interesting. Michael called me in what seemed to be a slightly flipped out state. I mean, he tried to sound calm, but he is about as good about fooling me as you are."
He had called Riley? To what? Look for her? If so, he must have found out the truth. That would account for the "flipped out" state her daughter referred to. Well, good. He should be freaking out. She hoped he felt guilty as sin.
"I hope you didn't give him my new number?"
"No, but he made it very difficult. And he gave me several numbers you can reach him under. But I'm sure you wouldn't want those, right?"
Smart-ass. Where were the days when little girls were just sweetly compliant?
Well, her sweet daughter did pass on the numbers. And after feeling like a stretched rubber band most of the day, Lisa finally gave in and dialed his cell.
The voice answering was not Michael, but a very helpful body guard who seemed to know who she was. When she asked how, she was informed that he had been filled in on Mr Jackson's life and associates by other staff. She hoped that did not mean Grace. On the other hand, since he had answered and stayed on the line after she identified herself, that ruled out Michael's unhinged nanny.
Already feeling on edge and filled with predictions of doom, Karim's account of Michael's whereabouts did nothing to give her the warm fuzzies. What was he doing on top of a skyscraper hotel? At night? Without his phone. Bird watching seemed to be out. Maybe he was meeting someone. That would explain why he had ordered security to stay behind.
Or maybe he found out what he did and launched into self-pity.
Which was the best case scenario. Shivers ran through Lisa when she recalled her own reaction to facing the demonic voices laughing at her for destroying her chance at happiness: loneliness, despair, utter hopelessness...
Her self-imposed sentence: torture and death. The exit route was clearly marked by the cuts on her skin. Follow the red arrows...
No, surely, Michael would not go down that road. When he had flown out to be with her in Florida after hearing about her breakdown, he had expressed such astonishment at her suicidal thoughts. It was clear that while he felt for her he could not surmise how bad things had been. Through the sweetness and worry she could easily detect his bewilderment. That was then… What about now?
He's been through hell himself since then. He was spat out by fate into a life he no longer recognized. He was betrayed and displayed, robbed of everything, including his illusions of goodness. And then he obviously discovered that hatred and ugliness had infected his own soul when he slammed her with his own unfounded accusations.
While her brain told her Michael would never take that proverbial plunge, much less the literal one, her heart screamed at her to get to him fast. As the possibility she dreaded the most raced toward her like a careening train going downhill without brakes, she realized with stunning clarity that nothing mattered but to know he was save. Her own pain took a backseat to nauseating, dizzying concern and worry.
An eerie calm gipped her as she basically ordered Karim to rush up to find Michael. He was not about to pull a disappearing act without facing her. He was not going to do this to his children and his mother. Not on her watch!
When she heard the sound turning her heart to mush, it provided an instant wormhole to his anguish. Without being physically present, his pain entered every pore of her body and exploded like a bomb created by some destructive genius from shrapnel and rusty nails. The scream turned her blood to ice: Distilled, feral desperation.
Oh, God...she had been right on the money. Thankfully, she was not known for listening to her head.
One second, she felt like a giant fist had hit her right in the center of her stomach, and the next, she was overtaken by a strange, sedating remoteness. Knowing she needed to be as matter of fact as possible, she took on a no-nonsense approach and by some miracle it worked. Thankfully, she had ample practice talking her kids out from emotional ledges they found themselves on as they tried to navigate from childhood to adolescence. Only, Mike’s situation had been so much more precarious.
When she was certain he was on his way back to the house, she fell onto her bed, feeling the blood return to all her limbs with the torturous veracity of bees attacking a predator. The "what could have been" was still way too scary to form in her mind. The anger and righteous indignation were all pushed back into some kind of holding pen, surely to be released later like a hoard of wilder-beast. At that very distinct moment in time, all that mattered was that she provided an all-important anchor to sanity. And to life. Sleep obviously overtook her at some point, and when she woke up, the phone connection was dead.
But Michael was alive.
Any thoughts of having been used yet again, took a beackseat to knowing he was alright.
And now he was here.
What was she supposed to do with that?
Well, for starters, you might put in your Michael-retardant suit and face him.
Too bad such a wondrous defense had not been invented yet.
He came here all the way to talk to you.
No, he came because he had a court order to give a deposition.
Did it really matter? There were loads of topics she needed to clear the air on, and now was her chance.
Mustering up all her bravery, she opened the door to find Michael chatting happily with Alecia. Startled by her entrance and as if stung by a hornet, he jumped up, facing her.
"Ready for that adult conversation now?"
What was with the cocky emphasis on adult?
Instead of replying, Lisa looked at Alecia, feeling horrible her friend had once again been dragged into all this drama. Reading her thoughts, Lish got up and put an arm around Lisa.
"It's fine, Lise. I will go and check out the ...ah...scenery. Lots of great parks, I hear."
"If you want to you can tag along with my kids- they're about to go on an outing."
"You are not asking her to babysit your kids, are you?"
"No, Lisa, I'm not. I have a nanny, you know."
"That's just perfect. You brought her along?"
The last thing she needed was a run-in with stalker nr 1. She did not want to be arrested for aggravated assault. That would be seriously bad press.
"What would you have me do? Leave the kids behind?"
Of course the current conversation was a redundant and useless exercise in releasing tension. An endeavor about as likely to succeed as traveling back in time.
"No, of course not. I'm simply taking issue with you ordering my friends around."
"Lisa, really, it's fine, you guys need to talk. Or whatever. And I know when there's one person to many in a big ass suite."
Bless her heart for keeping her sense of humor.
After Lish left, silence spread like poisonous gas- impossible to detect, yet, horrific in its impact.
When the gift of voice was granted again, the gods decided to level the playing field by having them each start at the same time.
"So, you seem to feel better," and "It's so good to see you" merged into one awkward symphony.
Lisa recovered first. Or, possibly, Michael granted her the illusion of having the upper hand. With him, there was no being certain.
"Guess, you felt well enough to hang up this morning. That's a relief."
"No- my battery was dead."
Oh. Well.
Likely story.
“Well, glad then I served my purpose to be your sounding board once again. You could have called back.”
“No, I didn’t want to talk over the phone anymore. I wanted to see you face to face.”
A step brought him closer; his physical presence seemingly forcing the air needed to breathe from her personal space. Who needed oxygen anyway when his own scent started its campaign to seduce her senses?
No, not this time. She didn’t want him. Not like that. She was angry- had every right to be angry.
But he is here. Alive. Well. Warm and vibrant. Needing you…
Too bad she did not need him. Not anymore. Not after he stepped on her like a pesky snail, not only crushing her defensive house, but pouring salt onto her body and soul- dissolving her into a puddle of pain and misery.
“Well, you got me face to face. So, say what you gotta say and leave.”
Lisa’s arms crossed over her chest in a defensive gesture.
The hurt look in his eyes attempted to pierce her armor. No, it was no use. He was fighting a losing battle.
Who’s doing the fighting, Lisa? He looks pretty relaxed. You are a tense mess.
Well, it was pretty hard work to project distant resolve when every cell in her body was sidetracked by his vibrating aura.
“Why do you act like I’m about to hurt you? I’m here to talk. I’m here to apologize…to tell you…to ask you…”
Breaking eye-contact, he lowered his head and ran a hand through his hair.
It was visibly difficult for him to admit he had been wrong.
Lisa felt her spine stiffen and she seemed to grow an inch or two. Her body was personified tension- like a snake about to strike some invader threatening to trample her habitat.
“Let me make this easier for you. You are here to apologize. You were wrong and you’re so sorry you believed those lies about me. You feel horrible that you actually for one second believed I could slaughter our child just for the fun of it.”
He winced at the word, his eyes flying back to hers, their softness crushed by her silver bullets.
“I never said you’d slaughter our child…”
Lisa only needed to cock her head and narrow her eyes and he knew that it possibly was healthier for him to shut up and retreat right now. Nice to see his sense of life preservation had returned.
“So, like I said, you are here to grovel and to tell me you were betrayed by people you trusted. That really, you are the victim here- as always, and therefore, I should forgive you, and we should go back to where were before you called me a child killer.”
Sarcasm dripping with the impact of battery acid…
The slight wincing again, accompanied by a thinning of his lips, and a tightening in his jaw line. Looks like she was hitting some nerves here. So, why was satisfaction not her only reaction?
Don’t push too hard. Remember he was just on the brink, staring into the eyes of the monster glaring up from hell.
The monster fashioned by an unholy alliance between external, hellish evil and internal self-loathing and hatred.
You know it intimately, Lisa. You have met it.
And she would be damned if she hung around for him to shake that demon back into existence. Which was why she had to take the sword and cut off the life sustaining appendage: radical amputation to prevent gangrene.
“Michael? Am I close? I mean, I’ve heard it before, so I know I must be pretty darn close. Same shit, different day. And I’m tired of it, frankly.”
“You’re making this real’ difficult, y’a know? How come you were there last night, acting like you cared, and now you spit all this crap at me like you’re hating me?”
“Does everything have to be so fucking black and white? I was worried, ok? I’m not stupid- I figured out what you were going through real quick after Karim told me where you were. I’ve been there- you know that. And I take shit like this seriously.”
“I know you’ve been there. I knew you would understand. And by some crazy miracle you were right there when I needed you. I fought like I never fought before. It was right there, Lisa- the answer was right there. I could make it all go away with one step…one movement…forever.”
“And to hell with everyone else, right? They would be better off, right?”
Her tone was surprisingly even and did not hold any accusation. She was simply making a statement. The words were born from her own memory. The truth wasn’t pretty- thoughts of suicide never were. They are the ultimate expression of desperation and of staring at an internal emotional wasteland with nothing left to lose. Death, at that moment, was seen as a refuge not only for the own tortured soul, but also as a fertile breeding ground for a bright new future for those left behind. Madness painted the lie with magnificent colors. Ultimate selfishness disguised as glorified sacrifice. It was the hardest wound to close- the knowledge that one had been ready to relinquish the lives entrusted into your hands to eternal grief, anger, and quests for understanding.
This time, she stepped closer. His eyes held hers in a titanium grip. She detected pain, fear, and regret, dancing on the sliver sheen of rising tears. One perfect pearl formed and tumbled on the edge before gliding down toward her.
“I still can’t believe I thought it even for one second. How could I even conceive it. What kind of person does that to their families?”
“A desperate one?”
“No- I’ve been desperate before. That was different. I don’t think there is a word for the inconceivable state I was in.”
“But whatever it was- you fought it. I heard your scream. The sound was pain, but also victory. I knew you’d won.”
“I don’t even remember. All I know is that your voice was there. And I followed it through the darkness. After everything I said and done to you- you were there…”
Too close. He was way too close now. Not just his body- but his emotions poured from his eyes and his voice and reached their greedy tentacles into her heart. Taking a step back to escape the heat radiating from him, she realized that probably there was no distance great enough to ensure her immunity. Her throat felt dry, her vocal chords paralyzed.
“Look, I’m glad. I really am. I would have done it for anyone. I’ve been there- and the least I can do is reach out to someone in the same kind of shit hole I was in.”
“Is that what I am to you now? Just a random stranger in need of help?”
Was it really necessary he touched her arm?
“Michael…”
He managed a sad laughter. “What? You look at me as if you’re begging for your life.”
She certainly felt it was necessary. Maybe he’d have mercy on her. Didn’t he see? This time she could just not do it. His apologies and pleading eyes were not enough to dare her to jump into the volcano again. Not that he had actually apologized yet. And why did it even matter? Nothing he could say would take away the permanent scar on her heart. This time, the magic super glue would not put the poor humpty dumpty her heart had become together again.
“No, I just need you to cut the crap. You said you had to talk to me, but all I hear is myself. And all I see are those puppy dog eyes trying to charm me. It ain’t gonna work this time, buster.”
When it come, his laughter reached his eyes. How nice that she was amusing him.
“How can I get a word in? You seem to have it all figured out. It’s like you put words into my mouth, then get mad. When I didn’t even say them. How’s that make sense?
Well, it made plenty of sense. She had heard it all before.
Lisa, I am so horribly sorry.
Lisa, this time will be different.
You are the only one who understands me, the only one I can depend on.
I won’t ever love anyone the way I love you.
His words were a combination of sun-born rays of purest light, reflected from golden mirrors, aimed straight at her, robbing her of sight…and of her mind. Over and over again she had fallen for them. Blinded into numbness, too thrilled by the honesty he exuded to notice the knife plunged into her back.
If he had achieved anything, it was to provide her with invincibility shades. She would not be rendered helpless this time.
Lisa took his hand and removed it from her arm. The raised eye-brow did nothing to activate her breaks. And she could perfectly well ignore the flash of heat and ice racing through her when she touched his skin. It meant nothing.
“How about you keep your hands to yourself. Last chance, Michael. If you wanna say something do it. If not- fine, too. But leave, either way.”
Sighing, he dropped himself into a chair. His gorgeous face disappeared in his hands for a second, leaving her to stare at the elegant long fingers, the veins in his hands… Veins, expanded and stretched by nurturing, life giving plasma. The blood of the living. Driven by the rhythmic beating of his heart.
What was wrong with her?
Like you need to ask. You are high on the fact that he is alive. That he is here. And once again you’re about to throw your high principles out the window. He will snow you again. Just like always. He’s gonna get away with everything- because there is not one part of him you can look at without thanking God, or the Universe, or whatever freaking power, that he is right here, before you. Living, breathing, annoying the shit out of you. And tempting every cell in you.
No, it was so not true. There was nothing tempting about him.
Her internal voice was finally silent-; too busy rolling on the floor of her soul, paralyzed from fits of laughter.
Unaware of her struggles, he finally peeked up at her again in exasperation.
“I just don’t get you, Lisa- Marie…”
Oh good. He used her full name. He was losing his patience.
“You no longer are required to get me, dear. Not that you ever did. All you ever were good at was whining about how misunderstood you are. And it always has fascinated me how totally unaware you were of my needs. All that ever mattered was your pain, Michael. You get to lash out and destroy whole galaxies as long as you feel justified. Then, you look around at the destruction and go ‘oops’ before you bat your eyes, look cute, and beat your chest about it not being your fault ‘cause someone provoked you. How about you grow up and take responsibility?”
“I was unaware of your needs?”
The glint in his eyes was misplaced and should have infuriated her. Which it did. Fury was the second emotions she experienced after the rush of passion. He needed to go. He was obviously not listening to her anyway. Picking and choosing from her words like a buffet. Missing her point on purpose. How deluded had she been to think they could talk. Or that she would be successful in kicking his ass? Michael always won. And if he couldn’t win, he changed the rules until he was declared the winner anyway. If by no one else but himself.
“Stop this crap. You know damn well I’m not talking about those needs. I’m talking ‘bout my need to be taken seriously and to be treated like an equal in an adult relationship. Not like a mixture of sounding board, comforting blanket, escort service, and blow-up doll.”
“Lisa, if I ever gave you the impression that that’s how I saw you I sincerely apologize.”
Why was he not following the script? His next line was to deny her accusations and turn her words on her.
“Well, you did- sometimes, anyway.”
“You gotta believe me:I am so very sorry.”
“Well, keep that. All that crap don’t even matter anymore. Not after what you pulled this time… Not after what you said…”
Memories flooded her throat with burning acid, forcing tears from her eyes, reducing her voice to a hoarse whisper.
Michael jumped up and stepped into her space again. Her sensors told her he was about to put his arms around her. The last thing she needed- the only thing she longed for. No-she would dissolve into a puddle- and probably punch him. She had needed his comfort and his love that night. And he not only withdrew it, but he punched her in the gut, reached in, and tore her heart out. Her defensive gesture made him stop and just stand really, really close to her. Too close. Way too dangerously close.
“Lisa! There are no words. I can’t say anything to make it right, I know that. But look at me. You’ve always been able to see my heart. You gotta see it – you gotta see how sorry I am. How horrified I am that I believed for one second that you would…you would…”
Looking into his eyes was not an option. Seeing his sorrow and his guilt would not soothe her pain. Suddenly, she understood and the burden was almost too heavy to breathe. Michael finally had done something she might not get over. And there was nothing he could do to change that. It was up to her to forgive. How was she ever going to achieve that feat? Impossible didn’t come near to describing it.
He had reached out and gripped her arms again, and, reaching for all the anger bubbling from her wounded soul, she in turn grabbed him. Her voice was still hoarse, this time from the mix of sorrow and desperation.
“What, Michael? You can’t say it now? Abortion? Too bad a word for you to take into your sacred mouth? Too distasteful? You can only say those words to me when I am lying sick and scared in a fucking hospital bed with no one but my oh so sympathetic mother to comfort me? After a day of pain and anguish, having to deal with another one of your women who took advantage of a situation with my equally crazy ex grabbing me and forcing himself on me? After she shoved a picture in my face and gleefully informed me just how upset you were when she showed you proof of my betrayal? Oh yeah, cause you know me, the whore. That’s what I do- betray you and fuck you over. Promising you a future one minute, then jumping Lockwood in a public building in front of your lawyer the next. That’s just how fucked up in the head I am, right? Easy to believe for you, wasn’t it? Much easier than to ask me what happened. Much easier than to hear that I started hemorrhaging like a fucking blood fountain and passed out falling into my own pool. Still grabbing my phone- my only life-line to you. Waking up, not knowing if it had happened again. If I had to face having lost another one of your children. You wanna talk pain and anguish, Mike? Having to face those memories. That was pain. That was anguish. Did I let you down again? Did my body rob you again of what you wanted the most. That’s how I was supposedly betraying you- by worrying about having to tell you I had another miscarriage. But no- God was merciful. All I had was a ruptured cyst. Which might be cancerous. But you know what? I didn’t even care. Because, I know I could beat any mother-fucking cancer. I had you. I had your love.” The hiccuping sound in her voice made her pause and take a deep breath. Oxygen turned to laughing gas by the madness driving her. Her laughter sounded horrible and she saw his jaw flinch and tears roll down his face. How little she cared at the moment. She was not nearly done with him.
“What a fucking pathetic joke that was. Are you laughing yet, hum, Mike? How fucking funny is that? What a perfect set-up for the wonderful news you bestowed on me? You love drama so much- what a great freaking drama this was!” Sobs and tears mercifully interrupted her tirade.
Each word was born from the hellish cauldron steaming and hissing inside. Each was armed with deadly amounts of poison- aimed with precise perfection at his heart. Let him share some of his own medicine and see how he liked it. At least she knew she wasn’t telling him anything but the pure, unadulterated truth. The deadliest venom of all.
Any moment now he would cut and run. Mike did not do conflict. This was way too dramatic for him. Oh, he could be the one crying and raving. Or, at other times, it was ok for him to be cold and condescending. But turn those strategies on him, and he abandoned ship.
They stood and stared at each other through their saline curtains. Statues, frozen to salt by their own stupid actions and beliefs, now forced to dissolve from the tears they shed. Lisa noticed her breath was pulled into her body in painful gulps. Her heart was beating so loudly, she was sure he would hear it. It would provide the drumroll for his impending exit.
Only, he did not play by the rules again. He raised his hand and touched her cheek, whipping a tear away. Stubbornly, she tiled up chin up- making sure he understood she was strong all by herself. No pity needed. No comfort required. Not anymore. Never again.
Michael looked like he was about to speak and took several false starts. What? The master of words was forsaken by one of his favorite weapons? Or was he simply giving her a moment to calm down to make sure she was ready to hear his laundry list of justifications for his actions. The king of denial and rationalization.
“Lisa… I fucked up so badly. I can’t even tell you I’m sorry, because I know it won’t matter right now. You have every reason to be hurt and angry. And I can’t think of a single explanation why you’re still here anyway. Other than wanting to lay me out, which I almost wish you would do. That would hurt less than seeing you like this. Than to imagine what it was like for you. There is really nothing I can say. I thought I could tell you in person how I regret listening to Julia, but I now see it won’t matter.”
Oh,no- she did not want to hear that bitches name.
“It’s not about her. It’s never about other people. They lie and do what they do. But it wouldn’t matter if we were united. It wouldn’t matter if you’d trust me. All you had to do was call me and ask me before you judged away. Don’t be judging, right Mike? How fucking pathetic…”
“You’re right. I did to you what I hate the most. I turned into the monsters hounding me. I became them. Don’t you think I know that? I was weak…”
“Damn right you were weak. And then you hid behind those fucking medications.”
“There was so much pain. All I saw was betrayal and hurt. It brought back all those feelings from all those months. All those emotions were laid wide open again- I was alone and in the dark once again- don’t you see that?”
“No, you weren’t. You were not alone- you had me. You pretended you were alone. I can even get that you had some kind of shitty flashbacks to people stabbing you in the back. But you know what- I don’t really care. ‘Cause it went beyond that.”
He lowered his head and stepped back. Their hands relinquished the grip on each other at the same second. Anchors cut- the ships were free to sail alone and aimlessly into the night.
“You are so right. I understand. I let you down. I let my kids down. I let myself down. I let my family and my God down. I cowered behind those fucking orange bottles. Yes, I just wanted to step away from the pain- but I stayed hidden longer than I needed to. I left my kids again- and I was ready to leave them for eternity. My self-pity and indulgence would have ripped away any chance to be with them in eternity. Or with our baby…”
“Don’t – don’t be talking about that. I can’t deal with hearing about that.”
“Well, you need to hear about it. I don’t know you understand that this child is always with me- always in my heart. I swear it was the angel watching over me all this time. It would have been so special. Or little boy or girl would have been so amazing. And its soul is there, watching over us.”
“Well, I know it’s my angel as well, and it saved me the other day. And it’s gonna do it again. Its memory is giving me strength to move on…”
Another tear slid down his cheek and he let it run its course like a wild river, threatening to throw her out of her canoe.
“I know you won’t be able to forgive me right away. And you might never forget. I swear to you, though, Lisa, on the angel that is our eternal bond that I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. You have no idea what it felt like to wake up today. I realize this is a second chance. Don’t you know that last night was my warning shot. I have so much to lose. So much to live for.”
She swallowed. He was making this so difficult. His sincerity emitted those dangerous tentacles, worming themselves into her heart again.
“Michael, you do. You have everything to live for. Your children. Your family. Your fans. Your art. But you gotta stop listening to the same losers. You gotta stop reaching for those crutches no matter how much it hurts.”
He wiped his tears from his face and stared at her intently, his dark magnets exerting their own pull.
“But not you, Lise? I don’t have you to live for?”
“You will always have a huge part of me. I just can’t do it this time. I can’t lie to you again- I love you so horribly much, even as everything inside screams that I will forever hate you…”
“What can I do? What will it take for you to understand that I have never regretted anything in my life as much as I regret those words I said to you?”
“I don’t know what you can do. Other than live your life the best you can. And don’t you see? It’s not just about the words. It’s about the fact that you believed Julia. You fucked her and she fell in love with you- great. You thought she was your friend. But Mike, what about us? What about our bond, our promises, and our history?”
“I failed you, I know that. I failed our love, but…”
Oh, here it came. Here came the “but you have hurt me before in the past.” He cited their history as reason to get over this. But what if their history was their strongest enemy? It would always be tit for tat. Nothing could be worked out as long as they reached to the past to restore their arsenal.
“I know I hurt you before. I know I lied and said I was indifferent and without that none of this might have happened. You don’t need to say it.”
“I wasn’t gonna go there.”
Liar.
Come on, Lisa. Look how hard he is trying. You already saw this is going down differently than you predicted. He is not nearly as defensive as before. He is genuinely sorry.
Was he? Or was this performance just proof that Michael could sell water to a drowning man?
“Look, whatever. I thought I could come here and find some peace by kicking your teeth in. But I was wrong. You already have done enough damage to yourself. Let’s just declare a truce. I fucked you over when I lied and left you alone after the trial and you gave us the coup the grace by believing I had an abortion. This is a dead end and I’m done.”
“Fine. You know what? Great. Have it your way. Funny, how it's all different now we're talking about you forgiving me. You came to me not too long ago, begging for a second chance. Remember that?”
“And you told me to fuck off.”
“You didn’t listen. You never listen.”
A sad smiled tugged at her.
“Neither do you. But I will take a lesson from the master: So, Michael, fuck off. And leave.”
“You can be such a horrible bitch, you know that?”
It was almost a relief to see some spunk back in him. The eyes were now shooting lightening at her, his cheeks were flushed. And no, his anger did nothing to quicken her heart beat. Nothing at all. Her breathing increased by pure coincidence.
Now who is lying, Miss Lisa?
Pressing her lips shut, she just glared at him, daring him to continue. And he did.
“But it was that hard-headed, bitchy part of you that didn’t give in and hunted me down. Embarrassed me at a party. Jumped in front of my car. Took her clothes off for me in my apartment. Fucked my brains out…”
Obviously he had been close to walking out, but something must have stopped him. His eyes rested on her, and she almost physically felt that eerie glimmer that backlit them spreading through the room and igniting into her chest.
Several feral paces brought him dangerously close to her again. Now she was scared. Not of him, no, never of Michael. Her own weakness and desires scared the living shit out of her. Without knowing it, she backed up slowly, while he stayed in pursuit, stalking his prey in this insane dance.
“Don’t come any closer. I’m warning you.”
Her voice had become constricted and dangerously low. Her lips suddenly felt as if she had taken a ten day hike through the dessert. And the rescuing water was dangled right before her. Just within her grasp. All she had to do was pay with her soul.
“You know I don’t listen to warnings. You look like you are about to kill me. And I’m sure those sapphire eyes shooting daggers would make anyone drop dead.”
“Then why are you still breathing?” How could he even hear her voice as hoarse as it was? Was it because he was so close it become difficult to tell where he ended and she began?
Her back hit the wall. Literally. And figuratively.
Trapped.
“Cause you willed me back to life. And I ain’t letting that go. I have no life without you. You are my life and my heart. You can order me out, but I ain’t leaving without making sure you know what you’re throwing away. It would have been so easy to jump last night- but I chose to go the hard route and to walk away. And now- it would be so easy to walk away…”
His voice was darker than the dark side of the moon, and deeper than the vastest ocean abyss. Him abandoning his one hundred percent correct grammar always did something to her. His eyes become dark holes, collapsing herself around her self, pulling her toward him in gravitational torque. Laws of nature cannot be fought or broken. Sure, you could yell at gravity to release you and let you soar, but chances were, you’d stay anchored anyway.
In a last ditch effort, Lisa moved her head to the side, pressing her burning cheek against the cool material of the door.
His hand captured her chin and he forced her eyes to reconnect with his, igniting an electric storm inside every circuit. Flood gates opened, tissue expanded, a lonely tear of surrender slid from her eyes.
“I can’t do it though…” His face came closer and she held her breath.
His cool lips kissed her cheek and devoured the salty tear, then kissing his way up, pressing themselves on her temples.
“I can’t let you go without trying. I don’t wanna let go. I need you to show me that I’m alive. I need you to prove to me that I’m not dead… I need you. I love you. I burn for you. Can’t you see how much?”
Her eyes closed and she felt suspended. This was unreal. This was not fair. She didn’t want to see. Couldn’t bear to see the truth he offered to her.
Well, life isn’t fair. But here he is. Last night you thought he was letting go. Now he is reaching out to prove that he is alive.
Lisa’s eyes flew open. Ok, maybe this would work. It was worth a try.
“So, if we do this…if we make love. This one last time… Will you let me go?”
Had she gone totally insane? Where had those words come from?
“Show me I’m alive, Lisa. Then we’ll see what you wanna do afterwards.”
He hovered above her mouth again and dipped down to place a soft butterfly kiss on her lips. She moaned and he took the opportunity to draw her bottom lip into his mouth. Everything tightened inside, then expanded as if the big bang was happening right inside. Birth of a new universe. Or the rebirth of an old one. The glistening, rising nebulae made distinction impossible.
His hand had come between them and he grabbed her crotch and held it- just like he had done to himself so many times. God…what was he doing? He marked her his. He reclaimed what he never lost. And he knew it. The evidence was in the molten response he surely felt scorching his palm.
The softness of his mouth on her conflicted with his hard hand on her burning core.
Danger- nuclear core breach was impending! Serious overheating commenced without any hope of a cool down. Not before nature ran its course. Not before they'd be incinerated.
Another moan.
Michael let go of her lip and kissed a trail to her ear, nibbling on her lobe, his hand still in place, forcing her to move her hip in a slight motion to prevent going crazy. She reached down herself, probably in an effort to remove his hand. Actually, she had forgotten her intent. Her fingers overlaid his strong hand and she held him against her, while she reached around and found his rock hard butt.
“Deal?” The question was whispered into her ear, his breath stoking the fire inside to a blaze.
She should tell him to go to hell.
She should tell him she didn’t want him.
She should scream at him that she didn’t care if he was alive or dead.
Both hands reaching up, her fingers fisted in his hair and she pulled his head back, ready to say those very words.
When the stranger inside uttered, “Deal…” she was no longer surprised when her next move was to pull him toward her in an insane, passionate, open kiss which brought their tongues into the play and clouded her head with that first all-important hit of her favorite painkiller.
Hooked once again. For what had to be the last time… One last decent into lifesaving madness that would have to sustain her for the rest of her life.
(to be continued)
©2011 Erika B Michaels. All Rights Reserved. This story is a work of fiction. Any names, places, and other identifying features are used in a fictional manner, for entertainment purposes only, and are in no way representative of actual events. This work may not be reproduced, copied, transmitted, or stored without expressed written permission by Erika B Michaels. All photos and images, mentioned songs or song titles are copyright their creators.
The Difference is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License
