The Difference Chapter 14

IMPORTANT UPDATE:
CHAPTER 8 OF TO HAVE AND TO HOLD HAS JUST BEEN PUBLISHED ON PLANET JACKSON.NET
http://www.planetjackson.net/to-have-and-to-hold.html

NOW...CHAPTER 14 OF THE DIFFERENCE

14



As soon as he turned the key in the ignition, Michael regretted not having taken a driver.  He hated driving, and he really hated driving at night.  There was no fitting term for disliking driving at night, after two glasses of wine, while experiencing an inner melt down rivaling ten Three Mile Island and forty Chernobyl accidents.  Still, he had to get away from here…away from the place he once called his other home, away from the person who-once again- took his world off its axes and hurled it like a bowling bowl down a very long, very slippery lane. 

If he caught the movement in his peripheral field of vision it certainly never fully filtered into his consciousness.  Thankfully, the human brain possessed amazing reflex circuits, as evidenced by his foot slamming on the brakes before he even saw the figure jumping in front of his car. 

Oh God! It was a miracle he managed to stop, but stop he did.  About half an inch before impact. Half an inch before impending disaster.  Not that his pounding heart could tell the difference.  Incredulous he stared at the ghost before him.  No, not a ghost.  A total lunatic! Her hands braced on his hood, her head lowered, she slowly raised her eyes to him, staring at him blindly.  Holy shit! Was this real? Had Lisa just jumped in front of his car?

“What the fuck? Have you lost your goddamn mind? Of all the crazy, impulsive, dangerous...”  Ripping his seatbelt from his shoulders, he bolted out of the car so fast he did not even remember opening the door before he heard it slamming close.  Lisa stood at the hood, hunched over, breathing heard, her body heaving from the effort of her mad-dash. With ‘mad’ being the operative word.

He grabbed her shoulders and turned her toward him forcefully, shaking her.

“Whatcha trying to do?  Have you lost it? Now you’ve finally gone round the bend.  Do you fucking realize I almost hit you?  Do you even fucking care?” Through the red fog, the azure of her eyes assaulted him.  Was that his voice?  Did he just hurl all those curse words at her?  He felt totally out of control.  He felt himself shaking and wanted to strangle her, yell at her some more despite his aversion to yelling and cursing.  But really, she made him do it.  What was her issue?  Was she crying? Was she hurt?  Her eyes were huge. Maybe she was in shock. 

He shook her again. 
“Say something, dammit.  Are you hurt? Fucking shit, Lisa! You scared me to death.” Still screaming at her, his voice was high pitched and strained. Great- now he was ruining his vocal chords for her.  Not that she noticed- she still seemed to be in a daze.

“You’re not leaving.” Finally a reaction! Her voice was dark and hoarse like cooling tar.  Trapping him, slowing his movements…

He froze.  Had she just used herself as some kind of human speed bump to keep him here? Oh no!

“Yeah, the hell, I’m leaving.  And if you pull another stunt, I call the cops and have your crazy ass arrested.”

“You are not leaving, Mike.  I am not done talking to you.”

“’Scuse me? You’re not done talking, so you throw yourself in front of my car?  What if I’d hit you?”

“You didn’t.  You wouldn’t.”

“Girl, you are really pushing your luck right now.” Hitting her seemed like a really good idea.  She was so frigging lucky he did not hit girls.  Not even with his car after they hurl themselves at him.  Jesus!

He reached up and wiped a tear from her cheek.  She looked so fierce.  Crazy, lunatic, courageous pain in the ass.  Before he knew what he was doing, he pulled her close, holding onto her for dear life.  His heart was beating so hard he thought it would just stop cold at any moment.  Thankfully, he felt her chest heaving against him as well and maybe the electric conduction would suffice to keep him in business.

Her arms closed around his neck, locking him in, suffocating him, - freeing him.  She sobbed into his shirt.  Great.  No doubt, she was messing it up, leaving make-up, tears, and other things he did not care to think about as permanent markers of her crazy act.  At least there was no blood.  Oh, God, he could have really hurt her.  She could have been struck down, lying right there in the road, tire marks over her idiotic little self. 

Michael kissed her head and looked over her small frame toward the house.   A figure caught his eyes and he noticed Lockwood standing there in shock.  Reality came knocking.  Ok, it was all coming back to him.  Lockwood was there for a reason.  Lisa had some kind of special night planned and her man was here.  Only, he had messed up her perfect little world and then she had retaliated by ripping him open with the blunt edge of her truth.  And blunt instruments hurt so much worse than razor edges.  They also leave gaping wounds that fester and refuse to heal. 

She had said she lied, she was not – and had never been- indifferent.  She had said she wanted him to go on with his life, had meant to free him.  No, it was too ridiculous to comprehend.  This so called truth was all induced by some crazy nightmares, nothing more.  If she had been serious, she would not have let him live all this time in agony.  She would not have laid stone after stone to the foundation of a new life with Blondie over there.  If she was telling the truth, she would have invited him over for a special night, not her wonderful guitar player/producer.  What the hell was her angle? Where was all this lunacy coming from?  Was she on drugs again?  No, he was too sure she would not do that to her kids.

Michael felt himself tense up and he peeled himself from her body and deprived himself of her warmth by holding her an arm’s length away from him.  She looked ok.  Her make-up was streaked and messy and she looked a bit shaken, but she seemed alright.  No brain damage he was responsible for as she obviously was already several notes short of a symphony.  To jump out in front of a car! Who does that?

He took a deep breath. “Ok. You’re ok, right?  Look, you worried your man back there.  You need to get your crazy behind back inside.  Stay out of your drive way for a while.  You’re too big of a safety hazard.”

Lisa looked behind her at Lockwood and they both observed him shaking his head and going back inside, slamming the door. 

Lisa started to slowly shake her head.  Maybe she was brain damaged after all. 

“I’m not going back.  I’m not done talking. I told you.”

“Well, I told you I’m done listening.  Get back in or stay out here.  But stay the hell out of the driveway and out of my way.  I might just mow you down after all.”
“No, you won’t.  You love me.  Plus, you would have Sneddon after your ass again.”   

“I take my chance with Sneddon.  It’s you I’m trying to get away from right now.” He ignored her comment about loving him on purpose.  She was in shock, obviously.  Well, not too much in shock to be snarky, but he would cut her some slack for right now.

Still holding on to her, he marched her over a couple of steps toward the edge of the lawn.  She seemed to cooperate.  Maybe she finally saw reason and would let him leave.

“Michael, running away is what has gotten us here.  We need to finish things.  I am tired of running away.”

Well, running away seemed like a really good plan to him.  It was called self-preservation. After all, who stayed in a burning building once the beams started to fall?  You don’t watch the sparks fly, smell the fumes, feel the heat, and think you will just stay put and solve the inferno.  No, you boogey the heck out of there and hope that someone had dialed 911. 

“The time to not run away would have been several months back, Lise.  You’re a bit late.  The patient died, doc.  No resuscitation in the world will bring him back.”

“But that’s where you’re wrong.  We don’t know that.  I mean are you shitting me?  You want me to believe your love for me just died?  And after you made love to me like a madman?  I felt you, Mike.  I know you.  You can’t fake what happened.  And now you want me to just take your word that you don’t love me?  Just like that?”

“No, Lisa, not just like that.  It took some good doing- but you killed it. Your indifference killed it.”

No way was he going to go anywhere near that event, that scalding trip into hell.  Not when it took all his powers to not think about the feeling of her body around him as she seemed to have reached deep into his heart once again. Not when all he could see when he closed his eyes at night were her eyes getting dark before closing shut as she shuddered against him and around him, calling out to him, pulling him in deeper and deeper. 

“Well, that’s not possible, ‘cause I never was indifferent.  Can you stop using that fucking word?” She had finally gone back to yelling.  Ok, she was obviously back to normal.  Whatever that meant.

“Why? Why would I?  You started this madness.  You told me we’re done.  You told me, to get on with my life.  Done and over, right?  Dead in the water. And now you want a do-over?”

She set her chin stubbornly.  Her lips were pressed together.

“Yeah. So?”

The laughter sounded out of place.  But she was so funny at times. 

“You sound like my kids.  What do you mean, so?  Lisa- we both moved on.  I am moving on as in, I am leaving the country.”

“Yeah, you’re running away.”

He let go of her and ran his fingers through his hair in frustration.  Her circular logical reasoning wasn’t going to get them anywhere. 

“Damn straight.  Going now. Good night.  Have a nice life.  Maybe lover boy will get over that you almost sacrificed yourself to my SUV.  I’m sure those Presley millions will help him heal.”

Michael marched back to his car, and for one second it seemed that she had given up.  Success? Her shoulders sank and her had was lowered.  Her hair was in her face, stirred by the night breeze.  He thought he caught a glimpse of her chewing on her lips.  Hopefully, she was accepting what he just said.  Possibly, she finally saw the truth that her future was with lover-boy inside and not with him anymore.  Now he only had to figure out why that thought made him want to punch a wall. 

In slow motion, he turned the ignition key once more.  So far, so good.  Lisa looked up and over at him, while he pretended to ignore her.  Reaching forward, he watched as his hand put the gear stick into drive.  Lisa started to move and against all odds, she actually seemed to be doing what he asked her to.  She walked past the car, moving behind the vehicle now.  Ok, good, she was out of the way.  Why was it so difficult to put his foot on the gas?  You’d think he would be gunning it, speeding away. 

The car started to slowly pull off.  One more look in his rear view mirror.  Where was she now? What the heck?  Realizing he could not see her, he turned and before he knew it, she had opened the side door, jumping into the passenger seat.

“Shit! Get out Lise! I mean it.”

He slammed on the breaks for the second time tonight.  This was not going according to plan at all.

“Fuck no! I told you I am not done, so you will listen to me.”

“I am going home.  I am not staying here another minute. Get out of my car, Lisa. I’m warning you.”

Too bad someone looked neither warned nor concerned. Her arms were crossed and her eyes shot arrows at him.  She was glorious in her anger and defiance, and he felt like strangling her. 

 “You can warn me all you want.  You wanna go home? Fine, go.  But I’m coming with you.  I am not letting you waltz out of here, messing up both our lives.”

“Ahh! You drive me absolutely nuts.” Screaming, he hit the steering wheel before grabbing it tightly to at least have control over something. She was the only person in the world who could elicit these kinds of crazy reactions.

“The feeling is fucking mutual, you moron.”

His foot pushed down on the pedal and this time, he did speed off.  Screw her driveway- what did he care if he messed it up?  Lisa grabbed the side handle of the door.  She pulled her seat belt on, but did not say anything about his driving.  A miracle in itself.

“You gonna know you’re the moron when you’re stranded at my place.  But fine, do what you want.”

Her phone rang.

“You better get that before lover boy calls the cops on me for kidnapping your crazy ass. Tell him that I am being hijacked by you, please.  I’m an innocent victim here.”

Casting him a look that would kill a less resilient person, she answered the call.

“No, I’m fine.  Yes, I am sorry.  I will call you, I promise.  Look, this is just something I gotta take care of before we can move on.  Oh, before you leave, could you blow out those candles.  Yeah…I told you.  Ok…..you, too.”

She snapped the phone shut and stuffed it in her pocket.

“You asked him to blow out the candles?” Something about that was really funny and he could not help cracking up. Who told their man to tidy up after she took off with her ex?  And in such a self-evident tone.  He did not wonder who wore the pants in that relationship.  Funny how Lisa always ended up with such losers.  Yet, she kept coming back to him, despite knowing was not about to give in easily.  It had always been a riddle. 

Lisa obviously did not share his sense of humor and glared at him.  After sitting in silence for several minutes, she started playing with the controls of his CD player.  Trying to ignore her flipping through several tracks of several CDs he attempted to concentrate on the traffic.  Once again, he cursed himself for not having a driver.

“Don’t you have anything that is not Bee Gees, Supremes, or James Brown?”

“I’m sorry. I had your latest, but I think I might have used it as a coaster the other day.”

“Yeah, the truth hurts.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.  I never listened to your words.”

“Uhum.”

She kept messing with the tracks. And his mind. 

“Do you mind not playing with the music anymore?  Your switching tracks makes me crazy.” 

“I think you were crazy before then, Mike.  But whatever, you control-freak. Watch the traffic, will y’a?  I see your driving skills have not improved.  I would like to make it alive.”

Was she seriously bitching at him?  It was not like he had invited her on a little road trip.  She had basically hijacked his SUV and him with it.  He bit his lips to keep from giving her the answer she really deserved.  Clearly, she was trying to provoke him, and ignoring her was usually a better way to go. 

Lisa reclined her seat a bit and leaned back, her arms folded, staring out the window.  One would have thought he had forced her to come along. 

“So, which home are we going to?”

Oh good, she was uncomfortable with the silence. 

“If I had a brain, I’d take you back to your place.”

“What’s stopping you?”

What indeed? 

“You would probably just hop into your car and ram me or something else stupid to get what you want.”

She laughed for the first time. “Probably.”

He glanced over at her, rolling his eyes. 

“So, what you said.  To him…just then. You said you needed to do this to move on.  Was that what tonight was about?  Were you getting ready to move on with him?”

“Would you care?”

No, I always wanted to have front row seats when you get the next Mr. Presley housebroken.

“It’s your life.  I want you to be happy.  It has nothing to do with me.”

“Yet, you won’t let me live my life, Michael.”

“Oh, really?  Who used my family to find out where I was?  Who flew to New York just to see me?”

“I flew to New York on business.”

“Sure you did.”

Little liar. 

“Who tracked me down and then got herself invited to a party, wearing practically nothing.”

“I wore the necklace you gave me.” The dirty smile on her lips for some reason cause quite a physical reaction and he shifted in his seat.

Yeah, no shit.  But not much more than that.

“You should have sold it and seen if you could have found a dress with slightly more fabric.”

Lisa’s gaze dipped low for a minute and she smiled up into his eyes.  He hated the little knowing grin.  And he hated she was right.  Just thinking about her that night got him sprung.  Dammit!

“What bothered you, Mike?  That others saw me in it?  Or that you couldn’t control yourself after you saw me and forgot all about fair Julia?”

All of the above.  Or none of the above.  It was just… uncalled for.  Yeah, that was it.

“Anyway.  My point was you followed me around. Not the other way.”

“It seems like you followed me into that bedroom.”

“I wanted to talk and…”

“You locked the door.  You turned the lights down.  You started to kiss me.  You need to work on your communication skills if that was code for ‘let’s talk.’”

“I didn’t kiss you until after you slapped me!”

“Ok, Mr. Innocent Victim.  You are right, you know.  I attacked you and I raped you.  You really should have called the police, Mike.”

Her tone indicated that he was getting to her.  Which really helped him to stay balanced.  The trick is to upset your opponent while staying calm.  Worked every time. 

“Look.  I am responsible for what happened, too.  I…I, lost control, ok.  I don’t know what it was.  I told you this already.  Can we change the subject? I don’t wanna talk about it anymore.”

“Cause heaven forbid you lose control, right?  What’s so horrifying about that anyway?  So you gave in and let me see that you still care.  You think that was a revelation?”

“I’m a man, Lisa.  You pushed all my buttons.  How does that mean I care? Remember your legs around me when I tried to let you go?”

“All I remember is that huge hard-on from the moment I came out of that bathroom. You think I was blind?  And who was responsible for that? I had not even touched you.  Just cut the crap: you wanted me as much as I wanted you.  And you love me as much as I love you.”

Traffic became very interesting and he was not about to satisfy that insane remark with an answer.  He did not love her.  He was still obsessed with her for some weird reason, but that was just because she continued to piss him off.  Force of habit.  Nothing else.

“Anyway. So you and Lockwood?  What was that nice set-up about?”  She still had not answered him, which bothered him for some reason.

“What do you care?”

“Ah, I don’t.  But you confuse the hell out of me.  You insist to talk to me, give me this bullshit about having lied before, but you seem to run this little romantic scenario with Riff-Raff at the same time.  Excuse me for doubting your sincerity.”

“Who’s Riff Raff?” She looked confused for a second, then broke out in hysterical laughter.  “Oh, my God! That’s….horrible…And so fucking accurate…oh God…”

Her laughter was contagious and he could not hide a couple of chuckles himself.  It felt so good to laugh again.  To hear her next to him, sharing this moment.  Feeling close and united… 

What the hell was he thinking?  They were neither close nor united.  She had forced this talk and now continued her attempts to distract him.  He was not about to let her win that easily. 

“So, where were the kids?”

Lisa cleared her throat after he stopped laughing, attempting to also return to serious mode.

“With their Dad.”

“What’s he think about Lockwood?”

“I don’t know.  He likes him ok, I guess.”  Lisa had averted her gaze, her voice sounding muffled now.

“And your Mom?”

Why was he asking all these questions?  It did not matter to him at all, did it?

“What do you care?”

“I don’t.  Just making small talk, Lisa, since you forced your way into my car.”

Lisa sighed and brushed her hair out of her face.  “Mother adores Lockwood, thank you for asking, Michael.”

Her face showed irritation. Why would she not be pleased that her mother liked her new beau?  Surely, she was over her little rebellious streak. 

“You gonna marry him, then?”

“Possibly.”

Straight to his heart.  He blinked the pain way, informing it there was no room for it in the dark space in his chest. 

“The kids like him?” The question was asked in a very quiet tone and for one second he thought she had not heard him.  Maybe it was better that way.  Ben and Riley were like his children and it was way too painful to imagine them having this bond with yet another man in her life. 

“They like him alright.”

All he could do was nod.  Lovely.  She had a perfect man, beloved by her asshole ex-husband, her bitch of a mother, and her two wonderful children.  He also seemed to take orders really well.  Yet, here she was.  In his car after basically throwing herself at him.  Something was off.  How did he fit in?  Was she just after absolution for her words?  Did she want him back?  Fear grabbed him as hope appeared before him like a ghost of the past.  No, this was not about him at all.  Could not possible be about him. 

It was all about her dysfunction. Lisa had this thing about wanting it all.  So, was that it?  Could she not be totally happy until she knew he was still in love with her?  Well, he was not about to be sacrificed at the altar of her vanity again. 

“But Michael…”

Sudden bitterness constricted his throat and forced him to swallow hard before he could answer.

“What?”

She reached over and put her hand on his arm.

“They love you Michael.  They always have and they always will. Some things are forever, like I said.” Her voice was a whisper.

Maybe he would just ignore what she had said.  Maybe his tears could be blinked away.  Maybe he could erase the sweet poison that had dripped into his brain and his heart.  This was such a horrible mistake! He should have just ran her over and let Lockwood deal with her. 

Thankfully, he pulled into his private parking garage at that moment. 

Moments later they stepped into his condo.  Lisa looked around.

“Well, good to see nothing seems to have changed here.”

No, nothing.  This was still his little hide-out.  It had been their hide-out for a while.  They used to escape the madness and spent days here; locked in, making love, watching movies, resting, talking…  On several occasions, he had taken off after violent fights to come here.  More often than not, Lisa had followed at some point.  Always knowing how his thoughts ran.  Always following her own radar which he almost never been able to escape.  She had her own set of keys, and many times he had woken up to her body next to him.  Yeah, this place had seen its share of make-up sex that turned from angry to passionate and loving. 

Actually, he had thought about having it redecorated several times in the last years, but never had gotten around to it.  Maybe that needed to go on his to-do lists while he was out of the country.  Maybe he could have the memories evicted and start over.  First he had to deal with Lisa, though.  Something he had not planned on. 

His eyes fell on the painting that had sent him out after her tonight.  She followed his gaze and walked over to it, touching it, lost in thought. There was something on her face that reminded him of an angel- there was a pensive glow, a peaceful serenity he had not seen before.  Who had she become in those past years? 

“Why, Lise?  Why this? Why now?”

Her fingers traced the sunflowers gently and the physical impact on his body was stunning.  The little hairs on his arm responded like the grass gently swayed by the summer breeze. 

“It drew me.  It spoke to me. The contrast of the night and your happy flowers.  Night and Day- existing in one.  It touched me.  It gave me hope.  There is always dark where there is light.  Shadow needs the sun, doesn’t it?”

His heart handed over a large chunk of itself to this new mature version of the woman who had owned him so thoroughly for such a long time.  Oh no, not again. 

Don’t fall for it, Mike.  She read it somewhere. 

Ignoring the caution alarm going off in his head, tinting everything with bright red warning lights, he stepped up behind her.

“What is the one word you would describe it with?” Inhaling, he marveled at her scent that reminded him of … home.

“Hope.” It was a whisper. 

“Hope of what?”  His hands could not resist and the brushed up her arms, coming to rest on her shoulders. 

Turning her head, she searched out his eyes directly. 

“Another day.”

His orientation system went nuts.  It was like all his sensors became demagnetized and he had no idea which way was up.  He meant to back away, but found himself leaning in further.  Her eyes were so clear.  There was a shimmering film decorating their blue depths and he saw a light he had not seen in a long time.  A glow projecting innocence and purity.  It was essential he break the spell.  The one thing he could not afford was to get lost in the azure depths.  He knew full-well they were the door to an alternate reality he might never want to escape again.  Dreams and hopes were nothing but phantoms.  False idols he once had revered but had come to abhor.  Better to be dead inside than to have hope.  Better to stay awake in the cold loneliness of night than to dream of the moon. 

But maybe, just maybe he could have one more taste of paradise.  Her mouth was right there, her lips so soft, so inviting.  Maybe if he kissed her, he would shut her up before she could illuminate his bleak canvas with the colors of dreams long rejected. 

Lisa slowly turned into him.  One hand left her shoulder and cupped the softness of her cheek.  She turned her face into his palm, her eyes closing for a moment. He saw her swallow.  There was such trust in her gesture.  No, she had no right to trust him.  She had no right to use tenderness against him like a sword dipped in poison. 

When her eyes opened the blue had taken on a darker color.  The pull was stronger and he surrendered.  Time stood still as his whole being aimed for her kiss.  The impact came and her lips felt cold and hot to him at the same time.  His universe  constricted and became centered on her.  This kiss was so different  from any of the ones they had shared in New York.  It was hesitant and gentle, giving and receiving, exploring and discovering.  Their eyes had closed and when he backed away slightly, they both re-established eye contact at the same time.  An internal fire consumed him as a deathly chill caused him to tremble at the same time. 

He thought there must have been a reason why kissing her was just about the worst idea possibly, but that logical part of his brain had been taken hostage by his limbic system as he became every emotion he had banned from his existence: He was the personification of pain, longing, hope, surrender, exaltation, and yes, love.  Oh God help him, if he discovered there was love left in him for this woman!

Closing his eyes against the horrible possibility, he did the only thing that made sense.  He kissed her again. This time, electric current short circuited all existing notions that were not related to extreme passion and lust.  His other hand came up to her face as well as if he needed to assure himself that she was indeed right here, and would not leave.  She melted into his touch, her body becoming both the frame holding him and the substance making him whole. 

His tongue could not restrict itself from tasting her and he gently explored the slope of her lips, the corners of her mouth, and finally, as she opened under him, the heat and breath of her passion.  How had he survived without her taste?  How was he able to breathe without her? 

It’s just one kiss.  That’s all.   Just one kiss that will last you. 

The kiss seemed to go on and on.  The world spun around him, but he was anchored to her, so he was safe.  Or was it all an illusion?   Was she the mast he was tied to and would the ship sink, pulling him to the deathly depths with her once again?

“Michael….” She sighed into him and her moan was his wake-up call. 

“Lisa…we can’t.”  He was still too close to her mouth.  His hand moved into her hair, running through the silken strands.

“Yes, we can.  You have to have hope.  We can have that new day.  Let me prove to you that we can. Trust me.  I won’t let you down.  Just please trust me.”

She kept placing kisses on him between her words, keeping him mesmerized, intoxicated.

Had she asked for any riches on this planet, he would have surrendered them in this perfect moment.  Had she requested any of his possessions, they would be laid at her feet.  But trust?  How was he supposed to accomplish that?  It was not even an issue of wanting her to have it.  It was impossible to grant something he did no longer understand.  Once the power to trust had been automatic and fee.  Now it seemed as impossible as breathing in space without oxygen. 

His body cried out to simply lie to her and to continue to bask in what she could offer: to forget for a little while that his heart was atrophied and changed.  Why not listen?  Why did he not deserve that little bit of heaven?  But was it really that?  She had lied before.  She had expected Lockwood.  She said she would marry him- so why do all this? What was her game?  Somehow, he needed to discover her rule book to be able to play.

“Trust you?  Why? Just because you say so?” His eyes narrowed in suspicion. 

“What do I have to do, so you believe me?” She reached up and covered his hand with hers.

If only he knew.  He slowly shook his head. 

“I know I hurt you.  But I am not afraid to make it up to you. You just gotta give me a chance.”

He backed up slightly. 

“So, what would you do to make it up to me?”

She leaned in and kissed him again, clouding his mind one more time, forcing his body to crave her even more than the second before.  God, she was not fighting fair.

“Anything,” she breathed.  “I’d do anything you asked me to.”

“So, if I asked you to leave everything for me, you’d do it?  If I asked you to come to Bahrain with me.  Would you?”

Lisa’s eyes widened.

Oh God! Where in the world had that question come from?  What in the universe was wrong with him?  Had he lost his mind? 

The words reverberated in his mind.  Time stood still.  He held his breath.  Oh,God, he was so screwed! For either way she answered, there was no way to win this gamble.  

(to be continued)

©2011 Erika B Michaels. All Rights Reserved. This story is a work of fiction. Any names, places, and other identifying features are used in a fictional manner, for entertainment purposes only, and are in no way representative of actual events. This work may not be reproduced, copied, transmitted, or stored without expressed written permission by Erika B Michaels. All photos and images, mentioned songs or song titles are copyright their creators. 

The Difference is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

The Difference- Chapter 13

13

 



The table was perfect.  The hostess a little less so.  She was a certified mess.

It had all not been her idea, but the set-up still looked amazing.  Right setting; wrong actors.  Casting gone wrong. The project was probably doomed as well. Just like everything else she had ever touched.

Shaking her head to disperse the irrational thoughts, Lisa made sure she had the lighter accessible at her place setting to light the candles once the security guard called up that he was on his way.  The poached salmon was waiting in the kitchen, ready to be served.  The salad was tossed.  Dessert was in the fridge.  She had her favorite wine ready.  Rebellious as always, she would still drink red, despite the fish dish.  Then again, she recently was told by a famous chef that it was actually ok to drink red with salmon.  So, maybe this was just another fake act of rebellion.  In the end, despite all her big talk, she usually caved in to tradition and conformed.

Sighing, she thought, that instead of getting ready for the night that would signify the beginning of a new era in her life, she felt more like participating in a ceremony for surrender, getting ready to hand over the white flag.  But no, her mother was right.  She had to get on with life.  So this was not giving in or up; this was getting on.

The thought made her cringe.  She hated to agree with her mother.  Then again, maybe that was just an old gut reaction.  Maybe she was programmed to disagree with her mother in a perpetual effort to punish Priscilla for not having stopped her father’s departure from her life.  Which, as she very well understood was ridiculous.  Her mother had not been responsible for the horrific outcome.  Priscilla had been just another innocent sacrifice to the flesh-eating monsters that drove the industry.  Both her parents had been caught up in something they could not fight.  The rational part of Lisa’s brain knew this, having experienced firsthand how the “machine” could grind you to less than dust.  And the really scary part was that the spin-doctors kept you thinking that you were still a living, breathing person- when all left of you was dry sand, ready to blow all over the place at the lightest breeze. 

Still, there had always been a part that wondered if Mom had just loved Daddy harder, had tried harder, had been there, had kept warning him, could she not have made that difference?   Lisa knew it was unfair.  But maybe, just maybe, blaming her mother had been easier than blaming herself.  And endlessly easier than blaming her father.  Really, had they not all been victims?  But someone had to be responsible for losing her Dad.  So, punishing Priscilla had become her main coping mechanism.

What would you tell me, Daddy?  Would you tell me to hold out and chase a dream, bloodying my head against the unforgiving wall, or would you advise to move on and get what I deserve?

Then again, what do I deserve? 

Either choice carried high chances of misery.

Sending Michael the painting had been the last-ditch effort.  She had been so close to just throwing the damn thing into her fireplace.  She had set it aside, trying to sleep on it, when the damn nightmare had returned with a vengeance, leaving her weak and shaken all over again.  The next day, she had sent the note and the painting to his Westwood condo.  Really, she had no clue where he was staying and she chickened out from calling Katherine or Janet again.  Westwood was a good guess. Knowing Michael, he would return to his hide-out soon enough and then, once again, it was up to him.  She had reached the end of her rope- and was ready to tie the noose. Still, she kept teetering on her chair- not ready to kick it out from under her totally.  Maybe he’d rush in and catch her fall.

If he cared.  Or if he allowed himself to show he cared. How did he manage to stay so disinterested? Was he not the least bit curious what she had to say?  She had not followed his instruction to send a note to Katherine.  She had doubts mere words on paper would do anything to convey the depths of her emotions.  He could throw as many fits as he wanted, but she damn well knew he had felt their connection that night at Trump Towers.  He had lost his most precious commodity: his control.  The realization made her smile.  No wonder he had been pissed.  Nothing irritated him more than losing control.  Yes, he had wanted her, but further analyzing the events, she was sure he had planned to simply exact revenge for hurting her, then walk away. 

She remembered the exact moment he had decided the game to be over- and with crystal clarity she also knew, she had spoiled his perfect little plan.  The mask had slipped.  She knew what she had seen in those obsidian eyes.  Yes, there was lust and passion, anger and hurt.  But there was also something else.  Something he tried his best to hide.  Something she had almost missed in the frenzy of feeling rejected and used.  She still had power- the same power he held over her.  He got to her so deeply, could drive the knife in so profoundly, because his weapon was a mirror image of her own.  Their defenses did not work against each other.  It was like an insane duel with equally balanced, but opposite force fields.  He was the yin to her yang.  The sun to her moon.  The fire to her water.  Only he could destroy her and grant rebirth in the same move.  And she was not ready to give up.

Ever since she had set foot in LA again, her mother kept pressuring her to ‘make things right’ with Lockwood.  Priscilla had acted like Lockwood was some little virgin Lisa had corrupted.  Somehow it seemed to be Lisa’s responsibility to make some sort of honest man out of him.  Lisa started to feel like some poor guy in a twisted Hollywood version of a shotgun wedding.  Only, the role of the angry, avenging father was played by her mother.  It was too weird.  Still, with all her heart, she longed for that perfect family she had dreamed of for so long.  If Michael was going to be an ass and throw her away, she had to be ready to move on.  Good think, though, Priscilla had no clue about how wronged Lockwood really had been.  But then again, had he not decided to stay in the relationship, no matter how ugly things had gotten?

There was a time, when she had nearly destroyed herself in misguided attempts to erase Michael from her life.  How blasphemous she had been to desecrate herself by attempting to carve her heart out of her body and expect to stay standing.  She would have gladly cut out her very core and handed it to him on a platinum platter if it had meant he’d stay.  Forever would she carry the scars of almost having deprived her children of their mother.  She had learned that she could not injure her body and expect the pain to stop.  No, only walking through the fire, facing the demons of hell could lead to lasting delivery from agony.  Going on with her life was harder than ending it slowly, bit by bit- and surviving was the best gift to her family, while also being her ultimate act of contrition.  Plus, it was hard as hell to face every day, knowing the sentence was survival.

Somehow, Priscilla had found out about the whole issue of having declared Lockwood her fiancé.

“Are you engaged?”  The question was hurled at her as they went over some PE business, and caught her by surprise.  Her mother was a master strategist.  Hat off!

“Who said I was?”  And she was a master of evasion.  If you learn to dip and dart quickly, the blade had a higher chance of missing you.

“I have sources.”

“That’s nice.” Lisa had returned her attention to the papers she had been reading.

“I think it is wonderful if it’s true.  If not, I really think you should make it happen.” 

Sighing, Lisa had put down the contract. 

“I really appreciate your blessing, mother. I thought you wanted me to go over these agreements?”

“When did he propose?” 

“He didn’t.”

“Then…I have to say I am confused.”

“You don’t look confused.” Lisa tilted her head.  “Did you get treatments again, mother?  You know, that is poison you have shot into your face and you need to be careful.”

“Lisa, stop it right here.  Why are you so defensive?  I am asking a question, that’s all.”

“Don’t you think I would have told you if I got engaged?”

“Lisa, I remember a time when you did not even tell me you were married.”

As did she.  And it had been one of the smartest decisions in her life. 

“Well, but since you approve of this Michael, you should know you would be the first one to know.”

“Why does it upset you so that I approve of Michael?”

Lisa burst out laughing. This was hilarious. Sick, but hilarious.

“What?” She was sure her mother was irritated now, her tone, if not her face, certainly indicated that.

“I’m sorry, I just never thought I’d hear the words ‘Michael’ and ‘approve’ in the same sentence from your lips.”

More disapproval.  Mom better watch out or she would get new wrinkles…or not. 

“Mom, look, I am sorry.” She tried to collect herself and keep from laughing her ass off some more.  “No engagement yet.  So, whatever you heard was just a rumor.”

“I heard you called him your fiancé- in public.”

Lisa eyed her suspiciously.  What else had her mother heard?  She should work for the CIA- her spy network was truly impressive.

“I also heard you and he had a falling out and things have cooled off.  So, I am a bit surprised- and confused.”

Falling out was a good way to put it.  Lockwood was still a bit miffed about the whole incident in New York.  She really could not blame him.  He even asked her if she would be upset if he screwed someone to get even, and it had not totally shocked her to find out she was not.  She told him to please use protection and he asked if she had.  Touché.  So, she had lied and told him that of course she had. 

She finally had decided to put her mother out of her misery and informed her that while she was not officially engaged, she was considering a step in that direction.  Which was what tonight’s dinner was about.  Danny had picked up the kids earlier, looking around, asking what the occasion was.  She had filled him in that she had some major decisions to make and would have to have a big talk with Lockwood. 

“Are you finally gonna make an honest man out of him?”

Why was everyone so obsessed with Lockwood’s honor?  How honorable was it to stick with a woman who clearly had the hots for her ex?  Well, maybe if the amount of zeroes on the woman’s bank account was right, it was not a question of honor anymore. 

Why so cynical, Lisa? Do you question his motives?  Just because he was a model of civility after he noticed you fucked another man?

“Funny, Danny.  I will let you know.”

“Hey, stop being defensive.  I approve.”

How kind of everyone in her life to approve.  If only she could join the happy fuckers. 

“And that means the world to me.”

“Do the kids know?”

“Nothing to know yet.”

“Ok, well, I hope there is something to know when I bring them home.”

“Well, cool, we can all be one happy family, Danny.” He kissed her cheek, and ignored her acidic sarcasm.

So, here she was.  Waiting for Lockwood to get his ass here before she changed her mind. 

Lisa, you’re doing the right thing.  He is good for you. 

He is not making your blood boil.

He is not making you crazy.

He is not giving you sleepless nights.

He cannot give you the sun, the moon, and the stars with just one smile.

He cannot set you aflame and highjack your soul with one look.

He is not him.

So, yes, you’re definitely doing the right thing.

Nervously, she poured herself a glass of wine.  She did not bother sitting down and instead paced back and forth.   Her reflection caught her eye and drew her closer to the mirror on the sideboard.  She raised the glass to herself and took another sip. Was this how a woman about to propose to a man looked?  Where was the sparkle, where was the excitement?  Well, she had been down this road several times, so maybe her ‘get excited about getting engaged’ switch had gotten stuck from over-use.  This was also technically not the first time she had proposed.  Not really. 

“With this ring you promise to remember whom you love and who you swear to spend the rest of your life with.”

“Is that legally binding?” He looked at the ring she had put on the ring finger of his right hand.

“No, but breaking your promise is punishable by withdrawal of sex…forever…,” she kissed him and he hungrily met her tongue, “…and ever…”

He backed up in horror. “Girl! You drive a hard bargain.  That’s a fate worse than death.”

“Well, good, so keep your promise, buster.”

He approached her lips and lingered just out of reach. “How would you survive without me kissing you?” A barely noticeable butterfly kiss was placed in her lips.

“Without me touching you…” The brush of his fingers against her cheek left a trail of fire. 

“Without me giving it to you just the way you like it..?  His hands had snaked around her; fingers tracing her back, dipping lower as he brought his hips forward, dancing to an internal song, tantalizing her, forcing her to sway against him.

“…Just the way you need it?” 

Her eyes flew up and she stared at herself through the fog of recollections.  Yes, look at those eyes now…  They sparkled, illuminated by the inner fire: the eternal flame had been nourished by the oxygen of just one little memory.  Too bad it was of the wrong son-of-a-bitch.

Lisa’s gaze fell onto the small picture on the sideboard: little Lisa sitting in her Dad’s lap.  She picked it up.  Look at the eyes of the happy little girl: filled by another internal light that was just about to be snuffed out.  If only it did not have to leave.  If only he were here.  She needed him so much.  Had always needed him.  Maybe she would not be such a horrible mess if she did not have to suffer his absence.

Daddy, can’t you just tell me what to do?  I had to give up so much already.  Why do I have to give up on him?  Why can’t he see?  Just send me a sign, any sign…

The ringing cell phone startled her out of her thoughts and she quickly wiped the tear from her cheek.  She was just about to look at the display when the intercom also rang, her security guard buzzing probably signaling Lockwood’s anticipated arrival.  She looked up at the heavens, wondering if her Dad was trying to tell her something.  What was that?  Watch what you ask for?  Well, here was her answer driving up now.  How much clearer could the sign be?

Before lighting the candles, she opened the front door, then returned to the dining room to make sure the stage was set.  Hearing footsteps outside, she called out, “Just come in- I’m in the dining room,” as she fought with the stubborn candle that refused to accept the small flame.

Look, stupid, I don’t like this any more than you do, but if I can do this, could you please cooperate and light already? 

It finally did, just before she burned her fingers, causing her to curse.

“You shouldn’t play with fire.”

Holy shit!

Good thing the damn match had just burned out or she would have dropped it.

That voice.  A deep whisper.  The echo reverberating like a scream in her heart.

She closed her eyes. 

Daddy, when I asked for a sign, I did not really expect this. 

Did not expect him.

Her fingers gripped the chair before her and she felt his approach.  His movement toward her must have stirred the air into action, causing the little hairs on her body to stand up. 

The shiver racing through her and the heaving of her chest seemed to be the only movement her body was capable of. 

“You’ll get burned.”

She felt his breath on her neck.  Calling on some hidden source of strengths, she slowly turned and found herself staring into bright, dark, hypnotic blazes.  Too close.  The moth and the flame.  Little did it matter who was the first, who the latter.  The outcome was inevitable and deadly.

“How…” Her vocal chords were paralyzed like the rest of her.  A thousand questions raced through her mind.  Her language center was not able to make any of them stick.

“The door was open.  I guess you’re expecting company.”

He looked so cool, so collected.  The icy outer layer betrayed by the furnace in his eyes.  Michael wore dark jeans, a casual white button up shirt and a dark jacket.  Casual elegance personified. Candle light danced on his smooth, dark hair.  In another life, she would have reached out and brushed an errant strand out of his forehead.  Fisting her hands, she called on God or whatever power of the universe out there to keep her hands from reaching for her life jacket. She had to remember that he was more destruction than savior. 

Lisa nodded.  “Yeah, this is…,” she attempted to clear her throat, “…not a good time.”

He raised an eyebrow.  “Well, I thought I’d repay the favor of your last two surprise entries.”

“Always tit-for-tat, right Michael?”

“Not really; you’re by yourself.” He took in the table and everything on it. Obviously, he was hinting that she had taken up his precious time with what’s-her-name. 

Air, she needed air.  She inhaled deeply and her lungs filled with his scent.  Oh God!  She could not fight this.  Her blood greedily took up his oxygen and brought his essence straight to her heart. 

“Not for long.  You need to leave.” 

“Funny, how you think you can just invite yourself wherever you please, but you can’t even offer me a glass of wine.”

She laughed, still holding on the chair behind her for support.  The house really had to stop swaying in that ocean she was caught up in.  He was the only thing fixed in her universe.  Her focal point.

“Wine?  Is that what you want?”

His eyes returned to her, leaving blisters wherever they touched. 

“You have no idea what I want, Princess.”

Now the flames had entered her body, filling her lungs, her organs, her heart.  Did the air conditioning not work?

“Don’t I?” Her voice was reduced to an atonal whisper.

He stepped closer.

“What do you want, Lisa?”

Your eyes, your lips, your soul.

“I…I want you to…”

His head dipped toward her, her eyes staring at his sensual lips in horror.  Why was he doing this? 

“Yes…?” Now his whisper was barely audible.

“You need to leave, Michael.”

“That’s what you want, Lise?  You want me to leave?  Really?” 

Yes! No! No, for heaven’s sake don’t come closer to my mouth.  I cannot touch you. I will wilt away if you reject me again.  And I will die if you don’t. 

His breath was a mixture of cinnamon and mint.  How did he manage to use all her senses against her?  She felt her nipples rubbing against the inside of her blouse, felt her pulse in her core, felt moisture soak her.  And he still had not touched her with anything but his eyes and the aura of his presence. 

“Michael, please…don’t…”

He tilted his head.

“Don’t what?  Leave?  You just told me to.  Make up your mind.”

He was amazingly skilled at this game.  She had to regroup during some kind of time out to muster an effective defense. Lisa called on the last bit of strengths she could muster, squared her shoulders and dipped away from him, escaping all the way to the other side of the room. 

“Are you done playing yet, Michael?  I’m not your little toy, you know.  What the hell do you want?”  Her voice was deep and strong.  A perfect disguise for the love that would kill her if she let him see it.

Turning slowly, he faced her, leaning against the very chair that had just been her scaffold. 

“You’re something.  You did this! You made me come here.  You!” His voice had been raised in accusation, his eyes flashing at her.  Good, she could handle his anger.  It was so much safer than the velvet net of seduction he had tried to ensnare her in. 

“Really?  ‘Cause I must have missed that. Did I invite you and forget?”

“I don’t know, Lisa.” His hand ran through his perfect hair, rendering it a sexy mess.  “Did you not send me a painting and a damn letter?  After I had specifically asked you to not contact me anymore.”

He obviously had received the present.  Wow- she had not counted on it to bring him straight over.

“Oh, you got it.”

Her eyes focused on the candle behind him.  She really should blow it out.  Bad enough she could not contain the eternal flame inside. 

“Yeah, I did.  Why’d you do it?  Why’d you have to torture me?  Why can’t you just leave me the hell alone?”

“Stop being so damn melodramatic, Michael.  I tried to talk to you.  Several times. You keep hiding.”

“You ambushed me.  You tricked me.  You seduced me… You fucking messed with my head.  It has to stop.”

“I seduced you?  You forced your way into the room I was in and fucked me against a wall.  You took what you wanted and you left me like a cheap whore.”

His head dropped and she could see he was chewing on his bottom lip.  Some things never stopped. 

“Just to be clear.  I took what was offered.  And it was what we both wanted.  I know it was. Don’t forget I know your body, Lise.  I know how you feel..I know your sounds… I know all the secrets you cry out to me without you having to say one single word.”

Lisa also studied the pattern of her area rug.  She swallowed hard.  He was so fucking right.  She had never wanted anything as much as she had Michael that night.  She would have paid any price to have him.  And she had.  She had paid with her heart and her pride.  It had been worth it.  No regrets. 

“Well good, I am so glad you helped yourself.  And yeah, maybe I did want to get your attention.  Maybe I even wanted you.  But I did not want to be treated like that.  So don’t you fucking ever think it’s going to happen like that again.  And I did certainly not fuck with your head.  What the hell are you talking about?  You seemed just fine when I left you there.  Did your date make a fuss for me taking up some of your time?  Were you distracted when you gave it to her next time, Mike?  Is that what this is about?  Could you not get me out of your mind?”

Michael shook his head and his eyes were flashing lightning bolts.  He was so pissed right now.  Good! She must have hit pay dirt with her words.  Michael might know her body like a book, but she knew his heart.  He was not a man to dally with two women.  She knew the passion he had shown her was fueled by the same damaging emotions ravaging and sustaining her.  His head might tell him to move on with fair Julia, but his body, his heart, and his soul still carried her brand. 

“You are so fucking full of yourself.  I left and never looked back.”

Liar! She almost laughed out loud.  He could not even look her in the eyes when spitting out the words. 

“Which explains your phone message.  You know, the one you had to leave on my home phone ‘cause you were too afraid to talk to me in person. But it’s ok, daddy, I feel y’a.”

There take that! Payback for the earlier “Princess” comment. He blanched. 

He took several steps across the room.  His eyes narrowed.

“What are you talking about?  Who is playing now?”

“I’m not playing.  I’m honest.  I know how you felt.  ‘Cause I was there and felt it, too.  I had to go and ride with someone after being with you.  You want that wine now, Mike, you might need it?”

She turned and poured him a glass, forcing him to take several more steps closer to her.  Turning back, he was within her force field again. Or she within his.  What difference did it make?  Her senses went into overdrive either way.

He reached out and took the glass, letting his fingers brush hers, sending white hot sparks straight into her already overloading reactor.  She pulled back, her battery overcharged.

“I might need it?  Why, Lise, what else do you have in store?”

“What’cha come here for, Mike?  Be honest.”

“Well, would you believe me if I said sex?”

Her eyes flew up at him, and he started to laugh, pointing at her. “Gotcha!” He continued to giggle, then took a sip. Very funny.  Well, she had to admit it was kind of funny- but she could not afford to laugh. He was really something.

“Actually, I would.  You had a taste of what you really want and you want more.” Her eyes issued the challenge she knew he would hate to turn down.  He was such a competitor.

He surprised her by reaching out and tracing her jawline with his finger, leaving a trail of flames. 

“Little Lisa.  So full of herself.  So sweet.  So twisted.”

Yes, she was.  Twisted after years of being bent by him into whatever shape her needed her to be in. 

“That’s your honesty?”

Come on, coward.  Tell me what you really want. And you might just get it. 

His eyes turned from playful to dead serious.

“The truth, Lisa.  I came here for the truth.  Your truth.  Whatever you have to say that will finally let me get away. Why’d you send that painting?  Sunflowers by Night.  Why?  Why now?”

“Are you sure you can handle the truth, Mr. Jackson?” 

Suddenly, she felt like Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men.  Fierce and justified.  Empowered. 

Terrified.

“I can handle whatever you have to say.  Hell, how much worse can it be than what you already said?”

So much worse! Possibly so much more damaging than lying about being indifferent.  She knew he was referring to that conversation and to the comment it all came back to.  The biggest lie of her life.  The lifeboat that had turned out to be a millstone around her neck.  Time to slash the rubber lining of the boat and hope it would let her float to the surface.  Or cause her to drown.  Either way, she would be free. 

She looked up to the ceiling, praying for strength.  Praying to her father to protect her. 

I can do this Daddy.  I’ll make that difference this time. 

“When I said, I was indifferent…You remember that?”

He laughed coldly. “Do I remember that?  Do I remember the day I died?”

Ok, he was not making this easy. 

“Well, I never meant to cause you to die.  I meant to give you life.”

His eyes narrowed and he took another sip.

“Thanks a lot.  I appreciate the gift.  I hear the bulls say that to the matadors after the coup de grace as well.”

“Michael, I lied.”

He stared at her with incomprehension.  Precious time ran through the hourglass of her soul like sand running through her fingers.   

“You lied about…?”

“I thought I was.  I did not mean to lie.  I wanted you to move on.  I wanted you to concentrate on the trial.  I …I have no idea what I meant, but I did not mean that.”

“You did not mean that?”

“No.”

“What did you mean?”

“I…I don’t …I could never…”

“You’re not being very clear, Lisa.”

“I was never indifferent.  All the different things I have felt for you over the years, Michael.  God, how could you ever believe it was that?  How would you?”

Nervousness, anger, despair, hope….the adrenaline whipped all those sensations around inside her heart blending them into a powerful potion. 

“It’s my fault?” His eyes were dark and unreadable. 

“Yes! No! I don’t know.”

“You’re not indifferent.”

“No.” She shook her head.

Michael pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes, turning away from her.  He inhaled, took in the oxygen she also longed for as she felt dizzy and disoriented.  The trip on the high wire was frightening and freeing.  Someone forgot to put up the net. 

Don’t look down now, Lisa, walk on!

“Say something, will y’a?”

He looked up at her again, this time she noticed red specks on his cheeks. 

“You weren’t indifferent.  And when, pray tell, did you discover that?  Or did you just lie to me for fun and knew all along how you fucked me up?”

She attempted to swallow the bitterness he force-fed her, digest the pain the saw in his eyes.

“I swear, I did not mean to hurt you.  I did not know.  I thought..it was…for the...”

“Godammit Lisa, if you say it was for the best, I will forget myself and…”

“I don’t know, I didn’t think.  I never planned to hurt you.  I was confused.  I was …fuck, I don’t know, ok.  All I know now is that it’s not true.”

“So, all of a sudden you discover you are not indifferent.  When I reached out for you like the last life line…when you were the last strong hold I could reach for you stepped on my fingers and let me fall into the pits of hell.  Now, that it’s over, that I’m free, that I have moved on, you discover it was all some …what?  Error in judgment?  How convenient.”  He emptied the glass of wine and held it out to her.

“You sure you need more?”

“Wine? Oh yeah.  Your brand of honesty? – I’m not sure.”

“Michael, you don’t understand.”

“Damn straight, I don’t.  When, Lise?  When did you discover you were wrong?  If not all along then when?”

“I started to have these nightmares.”

“Nightmares?  Oh really?  Were they anything like facing going to jail for something you didn’t do? Something so horrible you could not even imagine anyone doing it.  Did they include being locked up and never seeing your children again?  Did they include having your privacy ripped to shreds in a circus while your family had front row seats?  Where you all alone in a place so dark and horrific where your screams were your only companion? That kind of nightmare, Lisa?” He had taken another step closer.

She could not maintain eye contact. He was right.  Her nightmares were nothing compared to the living torture he had had to endure.  Her worst vision had not come true- not yet, not if she could help it.

The fear of seeing him in that crypt gave her another shot of courage.

“No, Michael, nothing like that.”

“What kind of nightmare did propel you into action, Lisa, and shed light onto your real feelings?  Whatever the fuck that means.  Do you have any real feelings left?  Where did you go?  Where did that honest person go?  Or was she just a lie like your indifference?”  His hand grasped her upper arm, pulling her close.  She had to crane her neck and recoiled at the despair in his eyes.  This was not going as she had imagined.  Once again, her intentions were not enough.

“I dreamt you had died ok?  I dreamt you were dead and you were in that fucking golden casket.  I dreamt I was there and I knew I loved you.  Oh God, I love you so much.  I knew I lost you and I knew I was dead as well.  Oh, God, I thought it was my Dad, but it was you, Michael.  It was your funeral…you were gone…You left me…I lost you…for good…”

She noticed she had started to shake and tears were streaming down her face.  She felt them on her cheeks before she realized she had shed them. Her voice startled her into silence as it had deteriorated to sobs. She did not know how it happened but her hands had become fisted into the sides of his jacket, grabbing on to him, shaking him, trying to force him to understand.

Michael just stared at her.  He was frozen.  Something shifted in his face and she saw him swallow.  Tears now also glazed his eyes as they stood connected by a silken strand of pain and something else that had to be the love that was calling out to him from the very essence of her being.

“Lisa…”

“What the hell is going on here?”

Lisa and Michael both startled and turned their heads toward Lockwood who stood at the entrance to the dining room, looking like a deer caught in the headlights. 

“Lisa?  Are you ok?” He started to march over toward Michael. “Get your fucking hands off her, you pervert.”

Lisa stepped in front of Michael without thinking. “Don’t touch him.”

Lockwood stared at her, his mouth gaping open, his face pale.

Lisa felt the heat of Michael’s hand on her shoulder.

“It’s ok, Lisa.  I’m sorry.  Your friend must have been startled by our discussion. I’m sure he was not about to touch me.”

Michael gently pushed her out of the way.

Lisa wiped her tears from her face and tried to figure out what had just happened and how she needed to proceed.  Lockwood.  She had to get him out of here so she could continue to explain to Michael.  She had come this far and she was not backing off.

“Lockwood, look, I’m sorry.  Can I speak to you for a moment?”

“Yeah, you can explain to me what the hell is going on?  You invite me over to interrupt some romantic set-up with your ex?  How sick are you?”

“Hey, man, I doubt, this is for me.  Lisa had no idea I was coming over.  This was all set when I got here.” 

Lisa admired how collected and calm Michael appeared to be once again.  The beast had been contained and any minute now the layer of ice would snap into place. 

“Michael, I need to talk to Lockwood for a second.  Could you give us a minute?”

Michael raised an eyebrow. “Do you want me to wait in our...I mean your bedroom?  I know the way…”

Lockwood took a step closer to Michael and Lisa reached out to stop the advance.  Michael did not budge and stared at her, ignoring Lockwood.

Well, good, his cocky side was back.  That had to be better than the arctic freeze. 

“How about you wait in the study?  Please?” Her eyes pleaded with Michael.

Don’t leave now.  We are not done.  Give me a chance.

“How about I leave?  I am so done with this three-man-show, Lise.” Lockwood offered and she was tempted to let him leave.  No, he deserved and explanation at least.

“No, you don’t understand…I…I just need to talk to you for a minute.”

Michael interrupted, stepping to the side and toward the entrance hall. “You know what Lisa?  I am truly sorry.  I interrupted your evening long enough.  I appreciate your patience, Michael.  And I’m very sorry to have intruded on what obviously was planned to be a very special evening for you and Lisa.  Lisa and I are done.  She’s all yours.”

“Michael, don’t…please.”  Tears started to rise again. 

Michael raked his hands through his hair.  “No, you know, what?  I can’t do any more of this.  I got more than I can handle.  You said what you had to say.  That’s what you wanted, right?  Tell me the truth.  Well, you did it.  I appreciate your honesty.  A little late.  But still…Thanks…I think.”

“So that’s it?  You’re leaving.  You’re just fucking walking out?”

She almost had forgotten Lockwood was standing on the side lines.  Or maybe it was just that she did not care.

“What did you expect?  You got it off your chest.  It doesn’t make a difference, Lisa.  Not in any way that matters.”

“What does that mean?  How can it not matter?  Did you not hear what I said? If you leave now, don’t expect me to come running after you.”

“I heard you.  But believe it or not, not everything is about you. I gotta get out of here.”

He walked to the door and Lisa stood there, frozen in place.  Lockwood had come up behind her, putting his hands on her shoulder.  She could not believe this.  It was all wrong.  Michael slammed the door shut and the sound tore her heart to shreds. 

Go after him! Don’t let him do this.  Don’t let him just run away.  You still have not tried everything.  You said you would risk it all.  Do it, you little coward.

The sound of Michael’s engine startled her out of her trance.

“Lisa?  Could you please tell me what is going on?  You asked me over and I find you with him? Don’t you at least owe me an explanation?”

Her eyes darted around the hall, spying her cellphone and her keys, grabbing both.

“I gotta go.  Please stay here.  I’ll be back. Please..” Casting him one more pleading look, she raced out the front door.

She saw the car slowly making its way out of the circular path toward the drive way.  Sprinting, she cut through the diameter of the circle, knowing she could make it if she put her heart and soul into it.  Panting, her heart pumping, she closed her eyes and propelled herself into the blinding cone of light.  

(to be continued)

Image:

Jeri Lynn Hoover: Sunflowers by Night

http://www.wearablewatercolor.com/about_the_artist.htm

©2011 Erika B Michaels. All Rights Reserved. This story is a work of fiction. Any names, places, and other identifying features are used in a fictional manner, for entertainment purposes only, and are in no way representative of actual events. This work may not be reproduced, copied, transmitted, or stored without expressed written permission by Erika B Michaels. All photos and images, mentioned songs or song titles are copyright their creators. 

The Difference is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.