The Difference- Chapter 33

33

 

“Are we going to talk about this?”

His arm was over his eyes and his head was averted. Not a very communicative stance. Reaching over and turning off the light only had temporarily blinded her to the dark, but now her eyes had adjusted. She noticed his chest was still rising and falling fast. The sweat decorating his skin made him seem to gleam in the room. Yeah, he could act all shut off, but there had been nothing contained about his lovemaking or his climax just seconds earlier.

After he had withdrawn from her body, he had reached over for the light control remote with such speed, Lisa had been surrounded by white spots dancing before her in the now obscure room.  Probably aftershock sparks resulting from the blinding orgasm she had just survived. How silly to think he was over it.

Whatever it was.

Come on, Lisa. You know what he is still pissed about. You did it again: you questioned his feelings.

Which did not stop him from fucking her.  How mad could he be? Mad enough to use a condom. What the heck was wrong with him today?

Ok, that was a silly question. During their lovemaking she had felt it with every touch and every trust. He needed reassurance. Plus, he was livid, and he was taking it out on her body. Which was not a bad thing in itself.  There was something about Michael in one of his dark moods that had always thrown her straight into the eye of the storm.   

Knowing her body as he did, he could hurt her in just the right way without ever injuring her physically. While he could be forceful when playing as well, it was usually the seconds after their orgasm carried them into oblivion when his true inner life revealed himself. 

It was either joking and cuddling, or silence.

Today it was the latter.

So, instead of holding her to him, he had simply plopped himself next to her. His muteness a crashing, atonal symphony ringing painfully in her heart.

“Michael?”

His head turned away from her under his arm. Christ! This was so fucking childish!

“Yo, Michael. Can you please grow up and talk to me?”

“About?”

Well, that was progress. A verbal answer.

“The way you just made love to me.”

“What? Wasn’t it good for you? Got complaints now, too?  Not loving you right again?”

She might imagine it but it seemed he mumbled something about ‘women never being happy’ under his breath. Beneath the shield of his arm.

Oh bother. Yeah, her screams had been full of complaints as he fucked her so hard she was seeing stars. She had been on her hands and knees, but the force of his last thrusts had pushed her onto her elbows. One of his hands was in her hair, having it twisted around his hand, pulling her head back, while the other rested on the heated skin of her ass which he had smacked before.

Lisa rolled over, leaning onto her elbow, trying to unlodge his arm, making him face her.

“Ok, I can see we do need to talk about it again. I apologized. I didn’t mean to make it sound like I thought you didn’t love me.”

“Yeah, I know. And I said it’s a-right.”

“Except that it obviously isn’t.”

“What’s your deal? We made love. I want to go to sleep now. It’s been quite a day.”

Yeah,Rip van Winkle, and I know sleeping is always on top of your to-do list. Who are you kidding?

“My deal is that you just revenge fucked me and you won’t let me work it out.”

“Woman!” He sighed and sat up, turning the light back on, then throwing the remote to the side. “There. Happy?” The glare he gifted her with was anything but happiness inducing. But hey, he faced her.

“Delirious.” She propped herself up into her pillows and they both sat there in bed, leaning against the headboard for a while. Both their arms folded before them.  The very image of a happy couple.  And all it took for that to kick back in were like 48 hours. So much for a new start.

Down to the stupid, yet physically satisfying, attempts to distract from the heart of the matter by screwing each other’s brains out.

“So, what y’a gotta work out? I thought I just worked you out good. Sounded like you enjoyed it.”

He shot her a side glance, then looked straight ahead again.

“I did enjoy it. I love it when you go all caveman on me. But 

only while we’re doing it. Now I wanna work out what’s been bugging you. If you’re just gonna huff and puff and not give me a chance to explain, what has really changed?”

“You’re right. Maybe nothing’s changed. And I did not 

revenge fuck you. Sorry it felt like that to you.”

Oh great- the perpetual ‘I am injured’ routine again.

“Ok, anger fuck, then. Better?”

“Whatever…”

Lisa reached for his arm, which he pulled from her grasp as if her touch had burned him. Then he threw the cover back and jumped out of the bed, disappearing into the bathroom.

Perfect! This day was going to go down as one she wanted to flush down the fucking commode! The only saving grace was seeing his naked firm ass naked from behind. Not even being mad could temper her appreciation.

The previous night had ended so wonderfully, with her and Michael once again getting it on in one of their long distance games. Over the years, they had certainly perfected the art of phone sex.

The morning had brought an argument with Danny, after she accidentally had let it slip that she might move East in the not so distant future. Really, what was his deal? At least she was talking about the same country this time. Could he not be grateful for once? No, of course, he had again accused her of launching her brain into space and blindly following Michael. He had thrown out all the usual arguments why she needed to stay in this part of the world, and despite her best intentions, she had been pulled into the ancient rerun of the same old bullshit.  It all made zero sense! If they were poor and could not afford to get the kids back and forth across the country it would be one thing.  However, it was not about money. It was about control. And seeing what it all was about made it so much easier to tell him to go to hell. In the end, Danny had conceded that he could not stop her. 

“As long as this won’t hurt my relationship with the kids, I guess I have no right to stop you.”

“You guess correctly. And you know I would never stop you and the kids from being a family. But you gotta accept that me and Michael are the other part of their family. You don’t have to like it- but you have to respect it. That’s all I’m asking.”

“And that’s all I can give you, Lisa. But I can’t stop worrying about you.”

The famous words. People wanting her to abandon her plans due to their levels of worry. When was she allowed to break free from the guilt? Probably the same moment those professing to love her would wake up and see that love included honoring her decisions.

Which seamlessly brought her thoughts to her mother.

And to a conundrum: Michael wanted to go and talk to Priscilla by himself. Talk in the case of Michael and her mother possibly could involve anything from a duel of words to some new world form of a gladiator battle to the death. 

Oddly enough, their history had not included as many face to face battles as fights about each other. With Lisa in the middle.

And like any good little rag doll, she had been pulled apart more than once.

It was really great that Michael did not want her in that position again, however, this time she had to be involved. If they were right, her mother’s lies had directly hurt her and almost killed Michael- which would have destroyed her. So basically, the last endeavor had been attempted double homicide. What was she going to do? Ignore it, lay her head on the block, and hand her mother the guillotine for later use?

Then there was Michael.  He was a fierce opponent and yet she worried about him. He just came out of rehab.  Drawing from firsthand experience, she knew the advice was to stay away from social stress and confrontations if possible to avoid immediate relapse. New coping skills had to be strengthened before testing them. There was the danger of self-sabotage when jumping head first into conflict. What a perfect excuse to fall off the wagon. Obviously, Michael wanted to clear the path to their future by taking care of all the nasty shit that had piled up, but maybe it was too much too soon.  Especially since the shit was her mother who was an expert on zeroing in spotting opportunities for destruction. She was damned if she’d let Priscilla spot some real or perceived weakness and dig in her velociraptor claws, injuring him, sending him into another tailspin.

Lisa, maybe you should let the man be a man and don’t run around mothering him. You know he hates being smothered.

Well, he also hated being abandoned.

Fucking hell! The emotional back and forth gave her a headache, so after taking care of the kids, she went for a drive.

And ended up at her mother’s place.  Blame driver’s hypnosis.

Of course, her mother had initially denied everything up and down. Indignant like a queen.  Mommy Dearest was going all out: Tears, wild gesturing, wordy explanations… Everything Oscar-worthy as always. And fake as hell.

“Are you sure, Lisa Marie, those are not your own insecurities coming out?  As always you project your fears onto the need to paint me as this master manipulator. Then you can simply blame me when this phantasy of a happy life with that man blows up in your face – again.”

“I am glad you put that psychology for dummies book to good use and purchased an online degree, mother. Which has to be behind your insightful analysis.  I’d ask for my money back, though- ‘cause you are full of shit.”

“You know, I can always tell when he is back. You turn into this instant brat and throw years of growing up out the window.”

“I think the real problem is that I start to resemble a happy human being when Michael is around- something that you can’t have. You need me to be miserable and fucked up, so you can control me.”

“I see his paranoia is contagious. Wonderful. Maybe you really should come with me to the Center and talk to some people, Lisa Marie. I worry about you.”

Or maybe she should just jump into a pool of alligators wearing a meat dress. That would be much less worrysome.

“Are you fucking kidding me? If you can’t steer me, you’ll have your friends do it?”

“They are your friends as well. You used to know that. And there is only one person trying to steer you, Lisa.”

Or was the real fear that this one person was steering her money away from the Church?

“Yeah, and I used to believe it, before they pulled out their fucking dossier on Michael and me to blackmail me into towing the party line. And don’t think I don’t know who fueled some of this shit with Sneddon. He didn’t get all this ‘confidential financial information’ on Michael by accident.  Which finally gave him a motive, right? Michael covered up his fucking that little boy and held his family hostage to avoid financial ruin, right? Don’t think I don’t know what happened. Sneddon is a sick fuck. But without financial and political backing that is all he would have been.”

Priscilla just stared at her, not moving a muscle. A frozen wax doll. Straight out of the chamber of horrors. Her mother, who at some point must have had a heart. What the hell had happened to her?

“Lisa, you better watch throwing accusations around.  No matter how farfetched they are. People do not like to be accused.”

“No shit, mother. I think that is the one thing you and Michael can agree on. But don’t worry. I can’t afford to have them trash Dad’s name. And his legacy. So I will be a good little church member, shut up, and write checks. Just don’t pretend going to that place and being brainwashed and weed-wrapped will be my salvation.”

“No, but being with the man who has almost killed you is? Do you forget how I had to put you together? You know how that hurt?  You  do know Lisa. You have Ben and Riley. What wouldn’t you do to protect them?”

“I do not need to be protected. Not from Michael.”

“Maybe.  And if it was just him, I’d agree. But you are your own worst enemy.”

Maybe…at times. Like when I told him I was indifferent. But no worries, mother, I am coming out of the mass hypnosis you, Danny, Lockwood, and all the other robots had me under.

“Thanks for the vote of confidence. Is that it? You protected me when you lied about my abortion that wasn’t to Julia?”

“I will not deny that I didn’t want him near you again. You were going to run off. To another country for Pete’s sake! To a man who wanted nothing to do with you just weeks before.”

“That was because I didn’t let him know in time how I felt. It was my fault. – But that is not what any of this is about. You lied. You betrayed me- again. And you hurt him. He…” 

Words failed her as she once again relived having to visualize him on top of that damn tower, alone, terrified, pushed to the quite literal edge.

Staring at her mother suddenly made her realize there were not enough words in this world to make this woman open her eyes. Also, Lisa did not want to provide Priscilla with more ammunition. And spilling the beans about Michael’s almost suicide would both betray his trust and hand mother knowledge she would, no doubt, turn into another lance to pierce her heart with.

Priscilla took the short silence as her chance to chant the old mantra.

“I didn’t hurt him. He hurts himself. He has no trust in you. In anyone. If he believed whatever he heard without checking with you, what does that say about him? About your so called new relationship? If he has changed, why are you still the one doing all the work, Lisa? Has he ever been there for you emotionally? Or has it always been about him? And when you didn’t jump to his every command, didn’t he leave you?  Didn’t he throw any regard for you out the window if he had other plans? Do I really need to remind you of how he got his children?”

Yes, mother, I actually forgot. Thank you for being so kind.

“Ancient history, mother. We worked it out. It’s not up to you to revenge old wrongs.”

“Maybe not. But maybe you need to be shown that he has not changed! He still only cares about himself and his plans. He wanted you because you are your father’s daughter. I saw through his motives form the moment he wanted to take you out when you were way too young. He hadn’t even seen you since you were a kid. Do you think if you were Lisa Miller he would have given a flying hoot about you?”

And so, one by one, Priscilla had slowly and carefully excavated those old, fragile skeletons. Her words dusted the layers of past forgiving and rationalizations away with such careful, gentle, yet deliberate brushstrokes, the emotional archeological dig remained initially obscured. The viper had snuck under her skin- and she was too distracted by tuning her mother out to notice.

Lisa had every intention to leave before Michael arrived. Warning her mother one more time to stay out of her life or face losing a daughter and two grandchildren, the plan had been to hightail out before he’d even get there. Then Michael had shown up early.  It was a crazy universal conspiracy! He was never early! She spotted his car and hoped he wouldn’t pay attention to her Mercedes. When he finally came up to the house she had another chance to get the hell out of Dogde. Only to be stopped by some self-destructive streak, sedating her with lies of simply wanting to make sure he was alright.

Why did she stay? Despite all her bravado, was there some deep, hidden fear that he might admit to her mother that he didn’t love her? Or, would he admit that maybe he didn’t initially love her the way she needed to be loved, but was now ready to step up?

Why couldn’t she just act on all that trust she spouted on about and leave well enough alone?

You know, why, Lisa. You are still that little girl. Afraid that despite all of his promises he would do the logical thing and see that you are just not worth it.

It had been the perfect opportunity for more poison to be dripped into her ears.  Old insecurities thought to be dead had obviously only been freeze dried and, once rehydrated by unholy water, blossomed back to gorgeous atomic mushrooms. Of the invisible kind. Invisible venom- undetectable by any human senses. Long acting- not unleashing its deadly potency until all danger seemed to have passed.

“And she wants to make this relationship with you work. She always has. The problem is: you never loved her. You used and manipulated her. She was to play a role. Again- that magical drama in your head. Real people need not apply. You got it all mapped out, and heaven help anyone who wants to write their own script.”

Vats of toxin gliding to the ground disguised as pretty seeds of maternal concern. Impact…explosion…all with muted invisibility.

“Ah- going after the prize, hm, Michael? And then what? What when you ‘win?’ What when you get that idea you are in love with and realize it is a flesh and blood person? A person with flaws and desires of her own? That’s where you failed every time in the past. Sure, you loved the idea of Lisa- but you never knew what to do with her when you won her over again.”

Acid eating away the marble heart of the target…

And she had been perfectly distracted; lulled into complacency by the firework of emotions: Astonishment at the ugly hatred her mother shot at Michael. Infuriation at the woman’s attempts to disrespect and belittle him. Delight at his strong stance and his sarcastic wit. Pain when she noticed the impact her mother’s words had on Michael when she pointed out that he had believed the lie. Realization that he had paid enough. They both had.  Anger that the only person who always seemed to escape unscathed was her mother.

Then- freedom, at last.

She had her say. Had finally put her mother in her place. Banished her from her life. A happy ending. A united, strong front.

Until her own version of the Stockholm Syndrome overtook her: Allegiance with her lifelong captor against any reason. Against her liberator.

As soon as the words had tumbled out, she wanted to rewind the moment. Michael stared at her. She could almost watch her own blind doubts ignite the barrage of detonators going off in his mind.  And here she had believed all the mine fields carefully marked.

“You think it was all an illusion?”

“That’s not what I meant. Look, I’m sorry…”

What in the world was wrong with her? This was her baggage.  Why burden him?

“No, don’t be sorry. I mean…if that’s how you feel... That my love is like some sort of apparition that wasn’t real?”

“Michael, that’s not what I meant. I…I…”

Words failed her. No conceivable combination of letters and sounds could possibly suffice to accurately describe her emotions at that moment.

“You what? You think I’m a fake? I lied to you?” The darkness of the storm churning in his eyes threatened to suck her in and consume her.

Lisa reached out and grabbed his hands. “No, that’s not it at all. I guess I’m just scared I’m gonna lose everything again. I am too scared to hope.”

“Bullshit!” He pulled his hands away from her. “She got to you. She always gets to you.”

The pain in his eyes…Gutwrenching. Her stomach dropped. Nausea set in.

“Well, she got to you, too. I heard when she said that you hurt me when you believed Julia- believed her lie.”

“Your mother’s lie. Of course that upset me. And yes, with that she was right. And now what? Now you think because she had one tiny point the rest of the same old shit she always shovels is also true?”

“No, I don’t think that at all.”

“That’s not what you just said.” He stared at her, his eyes reaching deep into her soul.  And she opened herself to him.

Come on, baby. See the truth. See that I love you. Please…Be there for me. Prove that she’s wrong. That you are there for me emotionally when I freak out. Please…

“Michael…  Don’t you get it? I’m scared.”

After what seemed like an eternity, he blinked and buckled back up.

“Let’s go back home, Lise.”

Home… Where was that? Why was nothing between them easily defined?

“Not till you say you forgive me.”

“Fine. Nothing to forgive. We all have doubts.”

His tone betrayed his words. Old defenses snapped into place. Piece by piece they hid the real Michael behind the veneer of Michael Jackson.

Rebirth of the ice-man. Fucking hell!

“Michael. I am so sorry. I know you love me. And I love you. I really do. Please…”

Biting his lip, it was his turn to take out his shades.

“It’s ok. We’re good. Let’s go back. We’re done here.”

We’re done here? What was this? Part of his ‘to-do’ list?

“Fine.” Getting heated, she pulled her seatbelt back on as well. If that’s how he wanted it, she could play along just fine.

Michael occupied himself playing with her sound system, turning it up too loud, humming along, making any conversation impossible.

At some point he informed her it was probably best to take him over to Hayvenhurst as his driver was meeting him over there.

“Ok- can I come in and say hi to the kids?”

He looked at her without expression for a second then said shrugged his shoulders.

“Sure. Suit yourself.”

Yeah, he was warm fuzzy forgiveness personified.

Not surprisingly, he softened slightly around his children and Katherine, who seemed delighted to see Lisa and asked her to have some tea.  Lisa had come by several times while Michael was gone, and her relationship with Prince, Blanket, and especially Paris had significantly improved. Michael excused himself stiffly, explaining he had to return some phone calls, while she tried to keep some light conversation going with Katherine and the kids.

At some point, the threesome dashed off to ask their father if they could watch a movie, and as soon as the door closed behind them, Katherine wasted no time proving once again that she was a smart and insightful lady.

“Ok, what is going on with you two now? He seems to have a stick up his butt, and you look like you are trying to make it through some job interview. What’s going on?”

“Just old ghosts coming back after a lovely visit to my mother. Nothing new. We just gotta find new ways to deal with it.”

“Your mother worries about you, Lisa, I’m sure. I can’t blame her. She fears that Michael is hurting you, so she is on the attack. Give her time. She will learn to back off when you two give her the proof she needs: when you make it work.”

Shoot, at this point, Lisa’s mother was the least of her worries. She could blame her for quite a portion of the misery, but Priscilla did not create all those fears and doubts. She simply had a talent to foster and nurse what she already found planted.

“Yeah, if we can make it work. We are so f… messed up about so many things still.”

Katherine laughed.  “Well, I think you both just have to learn that there will always be things to be messed up about. But every day brings you a new chance to work it out and learn. As long as you both are alive-there is always hope.”

Lisa almost had to laugh. It was true. Hope seemed to survive despite their best efforts to fuck things up.

She found Michael in his study, staring into space. God, he looked so good in his cute reading glasses.  All grown up. And sexy as hell. Now, why would she think that now? She really had no defenses…

“Hey, I’m gonna head out. I have to take Ben to a friend’s house later and Riley is invited to a sleep over.”

“’Kay. Give them my love.” Picking up a random paper he suddenly got very busy reading.

Lisa bit her lip, trying to figure out if she should give him some time or just shake him until he was willing to talk to her. Since words were obviously not her strong suite today, she walked over, kissed him on the cheek, and started to walk out.

Turning one more time, she caught him watching her before he blushed and avoided her gaze again.

Fine. Let him be a baby.

The door almost closed behind her, when she thought she heard him move.  No, it must have been wishful thinking. The draft from the opening door startled her almost as much as Michael grabbing her wrist, pulling her back in. He closed the door behind her and pushed her against it, his arms now on both sides of her, trapping her. His mouth captured her lips and took her breath away. The passion dazzled her with its unexpected blast. His tongue swept in and caressed her with an urgency that both delighted and scared her. He ended the kiss with several lighter, small kisses, then rested his forehead against hers. Both their breathing was labored.

“I love you, Lise. God knows, I love you. You can’t leave without knowing that…” The whispered words suffused her with blinding colors, rivaling the earlier rainbow.

“I love you. You don’t have any idea how much…” Opening her eyes, she reached out for his cheek.

He blinked several times.

“Hey, I’m gonna go over to the Hideout later. After the kids are asleep. You gonna come? I mean, if you wanna…”

“You sure you wanna put up with me again?”

He smiled down at her. “I’ll find a way to put your rebellious butt in line.”

That crazy warmth.  Hot chocolate and gooey marshmallows- making her giddy like a kid. There it was. The very reason why she would do just about anything to hold on to him. No matter how difficult he made it for her. Or she for him.

“Well, how can I resist that promise?”

“You can’t. Here…You might want that back.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a key. She recognized it. It had been personalized: LMPJ.

Well, the ‘J’ wasn’t part of her name anymore. Still…Not a coincidence. They name and the key had once been hers. Seems he never changed his lock. Or the key ring. Funny, that. When she reached for the key, it felt as if she entered into a new agreement.  A shared understanding.

After she had taken care of her children who were miffed that they missed Michael, but were mollified after he called them, she packed an overnight bag and headed to the Westwood condo. It felt odd to use her key again.  Odd, but also giddy-making.  The place seemed empty. And cleaned up. Quiet.

Guess I beat him here. Unless he changed his mind.

Lisa felt like slapping herself upside her head. She put her bag down and headed into the main level of the three story apartment. Of course, the bar was well stocked. She wondered if he had been told to stay away from alcohol in rehab. If so, he either was ignoring it, or he had not gotten rid of all his vices. Pouring herself a glass of vodka, she noticed a familiar item displayed on an easel: the sunflower painting she had sent him. Her hope for another day.

A wish granted.

If I don’t fuck it all up again.

No, all she had to do was figure out how to be in a relationship with this new version of Michael without making the mistake of having previous errors and doubts turn them into their own worst enemies.

The ringing of the phone shocked her out of her thoughts and almost made her spill her drink.

“Do you ever answer your phone? I’ve been trying for days to get a hold of you.”

“Hi, Lish. Sorry. It’s been quite busy.”

“Oh crap. That must mean the man rocking your life and your bed is back.”

Very perceptive- as always.

“Yeah, he got back the other day.”

“And what- you have been fucked into a wheelchair and can’t use your phone to call your friend back?”

God- how nice to laugh for once today!

“Don’t be envious. It doesn’t suit you.”

“Whatever! So, when can I expect the helicopter over my house with repelling paps shining interrogation lamps at me,asking what I know about my friend’s love life?”

“Give me some time and I’ll manage to drive him away again faster than news of our relationship can hit the tabloid circuit.”

“Ok, let me get a drink and tell Mama Lish all about it, baby girl. Whatcha been doing now?”

Lisa filled her in, downing her own drink. Hearing her own words she realized how utterly fucked up she was.

Just in case there were doubts left, Alecia confirmed. “You’re fucked up.”

“Thanks for the support.”

“Well, a smack to the head can be supportive as well. Just let the man love you. He seems to be bound and determined to. Why are you fighting him? Based on shit Mommy Dearest spreads. ”

“Well, sure, but what if he once again has these ideas and then can’t make them live up to the reality. Like before…”

“Like when before? More than ten years before, Lisa?”

Did Lish have to make so much sense?

“Yeah, kinda. He said he loved me then. And then basically left all the work in the marriage to me. For him it was all about working, writing songs, photo-ops, and basically living like before. He was with me while being without me most of the time.”

And seemed damn happy when she had not been around. Or was it that he was simply happy when she was not around, bitching. Which may possibly have been going on a lot.

“Were you confused about whom you married? I mean, you knew you didn’t marry Michael Jackson, the construction worker from down the block, right?”

“No, but I thought he would settle down a bit. I don’t know…adjust.”

“Change?”

She had avoided that word. But sure, back then she had hoped he’d change. Or was it more she had feared that?

“A bit…I don’t know.”

“Well, yeah- that works so well. Marrying to change the person we love. Trust me- I tried it, too. Don’t feel bad, you’re not the only deluded loser here.”

“Thanks. You always make me feel better.”

“Don’t laugh. Or do- because it’s funny. So, yeah- basically don’t do anything you did before- and you should be fine.”

She laughed. “Sound advice. What about him?”

“Do you feel he is the same?”

“Hell no. I don’t think so. I don’t know…”

“Well, if you love him, why don’t you give him a chance to show you who he is now. You guys have not been together.  Have you ever thought that despite that freaky connection you two have, you really have to get to know the person he is now? And that he has to get to know you. ‘Cause I sure as hell hope you have changed too in the past years. Even though I hate you, ‘cause you still look fucking gorgeous…bitch.”

Lisa almost asked the pivotal question: What if he didn’t like who she really was. Beyond the name. Beyond the memories. Beyond their history…

Before she could analyze it anymore, she heard his key turning.

“Hey, I gotta go. He just got home.”

“Ok, good luck. Go talk to him. Give him a chance.”

“Yeah, I’ll try.”

Michael walked into the room and stopped, noticing she was on the phone.

“I’ll talk to you later, Lish. Thanks for being you.”

“It’s a chore. Hey- Lise…Don’t forget: talking is the thing you do with your clothes on.”

She laughed and Michael raised an eyebrow. “I’ll try to keep it in mind.”

Lisa hung up from the call and they looked at each other slightly awkwardly. Neither seemed to know how to start things after the crazy day they shared.

“Hey. Lish says, hi.”

He slowly took his jacket off. “Nice of her. I'm glad she managed to make you smile. You been waiting long?”

“Nope. Just got in a second before Lish called.”

Nodding, he went into the kitchen.  Lisa slowly followed him. She noticed he took some diet coke from the fridge and poured it into a glass.

This silence was so odd. And stressful. Michael must have felt it as well. He reached over to one of the wall mounted remotes and turned the sound system on. He had speakers throughout the place; music never far from him.

“You hungry?” He opened the fridge up again and rummaged around.

“No-I ate dinner with the kids before I took them to their little social engagement. Thanks for calling them, by the way.”

“I miss them.”

“They miss you.”

More lead-laced silence. This was ridiculous.

“Look, Michael...”

“Lisa…I…”

Of course they would start talking at the same time. Michael started to laugh and walked toward her.

“We’re acting like strangers-Lise.  Or like the dimwits we used to be.  This is crazy! Come here.”

Tears welled up from nowhere.  In the past, these encounters usually ended with her starting to yell at him, him retreating, her attacking, and him leaving. Michael obviously remembered as well. And consciously chose a different path.  She went into his arms and he just stood there, holding here, kissing her head, singing softly to the music.

His body, his warmth, his heartbeat…Perfect soothing sedation. Peace settled over her like a blanket. But no- this was also not going to work. They had to talk about what happened earlier. She had to make him understand her fears. Covering everything up was nicer than a quiet standoff, but it was only slightly more productive.

“Better?” He lifted her face up by her chin, kissing her forehead.

“A bit. But, Michael…”

“Hm….” His eyes left her eyes and concentrated on her mouth before he placed a soft kiss on her lips, then started to turn the heat up on the kiss. Oh, it was so frigging tempting to get swept away…

“Mike- we gotta…”

He left her mouth and started kissing down her neck. “Yeah, let’s…”

He picked her up and lifted her onto the same counter that had been the stage for much exploration and pleasure before- and not only of the culinary type.

Leaning her back, he kissed her again, his hands working on taking her shirt off.

“Michael, we gotta talk…wait.”

He stopped and straightened up, opening his pants. “No, we ain’t gotta talk. I’m tired of talking. Enough of that for now. I wanna fuck, Lise. So you can either join me, or you can watch me get off. Your choice.”

Taking his shirt off, he then finished pulling down his jeans, stepping over them, glaring at her while kicking his shoes off across the kitchen.

What? Was he angry now again?  And did he have to look so damn good with daggers shooting out of those dark eyes, his hard on very visible through his boxers?

“Fine.” She took her shirt off, then her bra. His gaze dropped to her breasts.  Her nipples responded to the cool air and the heated look instantaneously.

“Yeah, let your body do the talking, girl. At least it knows what it wants.”

Lisa ignored the comment and opened her jeans, then lifted up her ass to wiggle out of them.

“You gonna help? Or you all talk and no action?”

The resulting smile was one of pure male cockiness. It stole her breath anyway.

Michael stepped up, pulled her jeans off, then her panties- and then helped her reach one orgasm after the other.  He allowed himself to climax into her mouth before continuing asserting his immense power of control once again, driving her almost mad with lust as he made it clear that he was the master of her body, even if she had dared to doubt his love.

Just reliving the past couple of hours made her tingly again. Then she remembered the condoms. What was that about? Was it that he suddenly didn't want to take a chance? Not even knowing she probably couldn't get pregnant anyway? If he realized it or not, it sent a message.  And it stung. Just like it her doubts has injured him. And also made her comprehend that she had hurt him more deeply with her insecurities than even he might know.  Or admit. 

When he finally emerged from the bathroom, wearing a robe now, she wondered how the hell he had soothed that pain.

Oh, Michael, what did I make you do? So much for him being stress free…

Had it all been too much too soon after his treatment?

“I’m gonna get some water. Want something? To eat, maybe? Since you’re bound and determined to talk tonight, I thought you might need some sustenance. I didn’t take it too easy on you. Even if I still don’t think I anger fucked you. Just loved you. Thoroughly.”

Ok,at least he was smiling now. A small smile. But it was there. And he seemed agreeable to talk things through.

And ain’t it shitty that you’re wondering what helped him get mellowed out. Fucking hell!

He left the room and she fought the urge for a full three minutes, watching the time blink by on the alarm clock. Then, uttering a curse, fears and suspicions propelled her out of bed and into the bathroom.

He just got out, Lisa. He would not take something already again.

Well, maybe not if I hadn’t pissed him off all afternoon.

It’s not like I’m checking up on him. I’m simply using the bathroom…

She stuck her tongue out at the doubting Thomas in the mirror and ran the water, washing her face.

Ok, here you are. What you’re gonna do? Trust him or invade his privacy.

It’s not about that. I worry about him.

Or was she worried about falling deeper and deeper into some new disaster?

Or, maybe you’re just looking for a reason to back out?

No, that wasn’t it. She wanted this. Wanted this new life with Michael. With the new Michael. It was simply so damn difficult to know what the rules were.

Come on. One quick peek. He could not have had time to hide the stuff if he was on meds again.

Lisa went back into the bedroom and found her bag, retrieving her tooth brush.  After her chompers were all sparkly clean and her breath minty fresh, her eyes were still drawn to the medication cabinet.

Fucking hell! If he was taking things again, she had a right to know.

Surrendering, she pulled the glass door open, then, as if burned by glowing coals, threw it shut again, hurrying back into the bedroom. Feeling like crying, she really, really hated having to doubt him. A sound startled her.

Michael stared at her from the door, carrying a tray with cheeses, fruits, and crackers as well as a pitcher with juice and two glasses. 

Feel like shit now, don’t you?

“Cleaning up?”

“Yeah, I probably should shower, but I just washed up a bit and brushed my teeth.”

He put the food down on the table in the sitting area of his bedroom.

“Seems redundant to brush your teeth when you knew I’m getting food.”

Well, maybe. But I also was trying to make sure you don’t need any chemical helpers to deal with my shit.

 That answer had to be content to live on the inside of her head. Maybe, if she acted all innocent he’d not go digging into her real motives.

Lisa sauntered over to where the food was. He was right. She suddenly did feel hungry.

“Want a robe?”

That’s right, it was getting a bit chilly in her birthday suit.  Lisa shot him a naughty look from beneath her curtain of hair. “Got a shirt?”

He motioned over to his closet and she picked one of the red shirts she always had teased him about.

“Oh, it’s ok for you to wear them, hum?”

She smiled up at him broadly. “Yessir. I look cute in them. You just dorky.”

“Well, I ain’t gonna complain. You do look sexy in them. Especially, without anything else.”

Lisa reached for some cheese and grapes, pulling her legs under herself as she snuggled into the cool leather of his couch. Michael poured a glass of juice and handed it to her, then poured one for himself.

“Did you find what you were looking for in there.” His head motioned toward the bathroom.

Shit.

She looked down and let her hair fall into her face again. Denial probably wasn’t going to have a long shelf life.

Michael sat next to her and lifted her head, forcing her to meet his eyes.

“I took Motrin, Lisa. My back hurt. They only other thing I take now is gabapentin for the pain and it also helps with any moodswings.”

“Michael…I…”

“No, I get it. I don’t love you right and I’m lying about not abusing meds.”

Staring at him, she was not sure if he was serious. God, was that how he saw her? And shit, was he right? Or was he possibly pulling her leg.

Suddenly, he burst out laughing. “Lisa, for heaven’s sake. Lighten up!”

Instinctively, she reached out to smack him, and he pulled her over to him by catching her wrist.

“Mike, you’re such an asshole!”  One punch was landed successfully into his shoulder.

“Hey, feisty lady. Stop it.” Still laughing, he pulled her close and kissed her. “Seriously, Lise. I am also allowed to take Trazodone if I can’t sleep. It’s not habit forming I am told.  And if the anxiety won’t go down they might try Buspirone.  I am still in outpatient care. With the docs they set up and who don’t seem to be too phased by me.”

Lisa snuggled against him for a minute, then looked up at him, still partly feeling like a piece of crap. Just a slightly smaller piece of crap now. 

“I’m sorry. I was worried. I was gonna go look. But I didn’t. I swear. I’m trying, Mike…”

“Okay, it’s okay, really. They told us it would take a while till those we love can trust us again. Sure, it hurts, but I’m dealing with it. What hurt more was what you said earlier. What you thought.”

His eyes serious now. And open. Vulnerable. Admitting what she already knew to be the truth. Finally.

Baby, I won’t hurt you. Trust me – and hear me out…

“Look, I don’t mean you don’t love me now. I know you do. I’m just scared. We – I- always took the easy way out. And yes, when mother said what she did, it did make me wonder.”

“Wonder? If I loved you? If it’s – what did you say- an illusion?”

“I believed it before, Michael. That you loved me. It was like this rollercoaster, crazy ass life. I loved you so much. I ripped my family apart. I shouldn’t have married Danny in the first place- and I should have been strong enough to be with you. He just seemed safer. And you- you were so…elusive.”

For lack of a better word. One minute he was courting her, taking her out, dazzling her. The next he was not to be reached for weeks. There were parts of his life she didn’t even find out about until after they were married. People he called family but who were strangers to her. People he expected her to love right away.

“Elusive? You could always get a hold of me. I was busy.”
“I could not get a hold of you for weeks. It was like you had ten parallel lives and you expected the people in each to just stay in their zones. That’s not how things work, Mike. Not when you get married.”

“Lisa- what good does it do us to go back over all this stuff? Don’t we have enough to deal with now? With our future?”

“What if we again have different ideas of what being together means? Lish just said to do everything opposite of how we did it before. I think she basically hit the nail on the head. We fucked up so badly.”

“Well, I happen to like some of the things how we did them before. Especially, when doing it…”

His gaze scorching her soul again. Gosh, he could make it hard to stay on track.

“Well, I think we got even better now. At least you did, oh great one.”

“That’s right, baby girl. And you better not forget that I got the moves.”

“And your modesty- we gotta keep that in place.”

Giggling, he shoved some grapes into her mouth. “Eat woman!”

Rolling her eyes, she complied.

Michael turned serious again.

“Look, Lisa. I don’t know how to make it clear to you. The past is that. I don’t even recognize the person I was back then. I was…convinced it was all good. I wanted you and I wanted my life how it always had been.  I thought you’d adjust. The thought that I needed to adjust didn’t really seem plausible.  But please, don’t discount that I always loved you.”

And yet he had hurt her. He had been emotionally absent.  He was all good for fun and games. And when the going got tough, Michael went to Disneyland.

You need to let that go, Lisa. Or hang on to it and have it drown you. And any chance of happiness you have now.

“So, if I was any other girl, you would have loved me just as much? You would have gotten in touch with me? Would have married me?”

“That’s not a fair question. If you were any other girl, you would not deal with who I am the way you did. I mean, I think it was hard enough- and you, of all people knew more about what my life entailed than probably anyone else. If you were any other girl, do you really think you’d get out of our marriage with nothing but your name? Really, Lisa?”

He had her there. It was easy to say, sure, I’d just love you for who you are. But who could really tell? Who she was, was part of why their relationship worked.

“I  don’t know…”
“And if I was not who I am? Has me being me never influenced any decisions you made?”

Yes, Michael, it scared the shit out of me to have kids with you. Children whom you might fight me for tooth and nail. When we broke up. Because at the time I made the choice, I was pretty sure we were fucked.

The truth hurt. Even when she only admitted it to herself for now.

“I love you. That’s all I know. That’s all I have ever known.”

“And I love you. I don’t think my ideas of relationships were all that realistic in the past, you know.”

Lisa had to laugh out loud at that one. “They weren’t? Really?”

His turn to push her back, then pull her head to him, kissing her.

“But, I lost so much. And it taught me. I can’t make up for the past if you won’t let me show you I have  changed. The way I view the world changed. What I think is most important changed.”

“Your mother said something similar: that I can only easy my mother’s fears if we make it work.”

“My Mom is smart- but I don’t think anything can ease your mother’s fears. And you know the really weird thing: today, for the first time, I got her. I don’t know what I would do if I felt like someone was threatening my kids.”
“Well, I hope you’d let your kids, if they are adults, make their choices.”

“Maybe, who knows. But if I have someone hurt them as I hurt you, I’d want to kill that person. And I know I hurt you. I know you feel I wasn’t there for you. I know you felt shut out. And I know you doubt if I loved you from the start.”

Hearing his voice express her fears unleashed the ugly monster from slippery shackles.

Vultures descended, the stench of decay rendering her dizzy, depriving her of her sense of orientation.  Once she had been sure he loved her. People told her he used her. She only laughed at them…until their reservations morphed into her own. Timing had been conspicuous. Her wish to rescue him when she had not been able to rescue her father was a ticking time bomb. Then- when she laid at her house alone at night, wondering why he had to spend yet another night at the studio, she told herself it was because he didn’t know how to be married. Janet had reminded her that his father was a shitty role model as a husband. She had tried to force his hand- had ignored his concerns about her wish to stay close to Danny.

And even if he had not loved her for herself at first, was she willing to accept that somewhere along the way he had started to feel that love she craved? When he called her before the trial: asking her if she loved him still, wasn’t that a sign that he indeed wanted her in her life? Needed her by his side?

Had the expressed indifference been nothing more than protection against being accused of again having been played by the greatest player alive?

“Lisa?” His voice, his eyes became her frame of reference, putting everything back into place, allowing an orientation in space and time.

This was now. This was not the past. It was up to Michael- and up to her. They both had fucked up left and right. It didn’t matter who did what first.

Fuck it, even if he initially wanted to score Elvis’ daughter as a wife, so what? It brought him to her. And despite all the pain, all the craziness, having almost lost him- first in her dreams, and then in reality, made her sure of one thing: she loved him. Forever. And she wanted him. To hell with everyone else who questioned her choices. Suddenly, everything was clear. Those doubting his love, could just shut the fuck up or get out of her life. All that mattered was right here, looking at her as if she was crazy.  And maybe she was.  She felt like laughing, because it was all so easy: 

 She had to only reach out and trust him. With blinding and freeing clarity she knew one thing. She trusted herself. For the first time in forever, and without reservation, she trusted her judgment. He loved her.

Their love might never be fully understood by outsiders.  And it didn’t matter one flipping bit. The blinders were off, she felt like laughing, feeling light as a sparkling bubble dancing on the rays of light provided by his presence. It was not necessary that others comprehended or condoned what she felt. It was her choice. And with every fiber of her heart she chose a future with Michael. 

 (to be continued) 

 

©2011 Erika B Michaels. All Rights Reserved. This story is a work of fiction. Any names, places, and other identifying features are used in a fictional manner, for entertainment purposes only, and are in no way representative of actual events. This work may not be reproduced, copied, transmitted, or stored without expressed written permission by Erika B Michaels. All photos and images, mentioned songs or song titles are copyright their creators. 

                                                                 

The Difference is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.