Chapter 7
Lisa stared at the bubbles on her text messages. Maybe she should just delete it all. Then again, she wasn’t doing anything wrong... Not this time. Scanning it all, she hit ‘edit’...not being sure what to do. Delete or cancel...
What a surprise. She was suspended in inaction. Sighing, she re-read for the tenth time:
“I’m sorry I hung up on u.”
“Its Fine.”
“Don’t front. I can tell ur mad.”
“Go to bed. Dont worry. Sure hes waitin”
“Gosh- u just make me so mad. Why u gotta twist everything?”
“It’s late. Gotta try and get some sleep.”
“K.But I still shouldnt have hung up. I should be used to ur moods.”
“Sorry 4 calling you a coward..And I dont have moods.”
“Calling me what????”
“Oh shoot...digging the hole deeper. LOL..Lets go2 sleep, girl.”
“Will I see you tomorrow?”
......
“M- did u get my last text?”
“Sorry- checkin on the kids”
“Will you be round?”
“No, edgy.”
“Turd.”
“I love you more ;) ”
“U really r too much.”
“Does he check your phone?”
“Who?”
“Your man.”
“Why? I got no secrets.”
“Well- cool. Just didn’t want him to misread anything. Like I said I love you more. Or u saying Im 2 much. ;) ”
“it’s cool”
“great. Glad you got such honesty goin.”
“U should try it. So...2morrow?”
“Not sure. Got that fitting. Gotta sparkle n shine. If u cum see the show I’ll be the twinkling christmas tree beepopping round.”
“cUm???”
“Behave”
“LOL. K...Glad ur not mad”
“Never for long.”
“Great. Go to sleep, plz. I worry...”
“Don’t. I’m just about out. ZZZZZZ- See?”
“Convincing.”
“Right?”
“Alright- Night, then.”
“Hey- I still wanna hear ur music.”
“We all want stuff.”
“What you want, L?”
“For u to go2 bed- Night.”
“Always trying to get me to bed....sweet dreams. Tell Lucky I said HI”
“Turd!”
“Ohhhh- twice tonight! <3 “
“LOL!”
......
“Hey- L...no heart back? And I just learned how to do that from my kid. Impressed? Scary how behind I am w all this”
“<3”
“ :) “
She probably should hit the delete button. For her own sanity. And so nothing would get misunderstood. Best to just keep things clean and simple.
Instead, her fingers touched “cancel,” and she hooked the phone up to the charger. At least they didn’t part in anger. Frustrating as he was, she was constantly afraid now... Always panicked that if she didn’t make sure they ended each conversation on good terms she’d be woken with horrible news again one day and have another shitload of regrets to deal with. And she hadn’t even chipped away on the last one.
No, but you sure showed him just how you felt... With your pussy...just incase your words weren’t powerful enough.
Shit! She had to forget about that. Had to put it behind herself so she could move on. Forge ahead into the bright future. And why did she feel then as if she had a barrel of rocks tied to her back and was lugging it around in absolute darkness?
Working on the songs helped. But shoot...she was almost afraid what would happen when she’d release them onto the world. Butterflies escaping her soul....carrying locked and loaded missiles. Her own version of cupid arrows: dipped in poison. Feelings and words way too honest...too open. And yet, she was so done with locking it all up and being torn to pieces by daily detonations. Too much of an effort to cope with all the demons dancing all around her since that day. And Michael...he kept pushing, like he was on to something. Somehow he had smelled blood. Kept asking about them. She had used her usual snark to get him off her case. If only he knew just how much of the truth she had revealed to him. They were about him. Well...and about her struggles to leave that damn sect. Man...after all these years. People had told her and had warned her. Michael had pleaded with her in the past.
“Please, Lisa- leave them before it’s too late. They are dangerous. Don’t let them destroy you. Don’t do it for me...but think about it. Why you think your Dad hated them so much?”
Because her Daddy was smart. And had a moral compass. A belief system. Just like Michael. And so unlike her. It wasn’t totally her fault. Hard to grow beliefs on the cement foundation of insurmountable loss and loneliness. Craving belonging to something. And a sect of aliens would just do...
Of course she had not listened. Too superior in her fight to pry him out of the fangs of his vampires. Too blind to see the shadows around her for the evil bloodsuckers they were. Yeah...she had fucked up royally. Now, she noticed she had no friends. There had only been spies and traitors. With the occasional thief thrown in. Her hands were dirty and her soul stained. But she had finally done it. She had told them she was out. And- predictably, they had threatened. So- she made another pact with yet another devil. Scary how that was downright routine these days. She promised to go quietly and to not wash her dirty laundry publicly. Wonder if they counted a song or two as speaking out...
So...there were some songs not about him...
Lockwood was the only one in the family who knew. With every new song they recorded he seemed to get more and more quiet. Never accused her openly of still being tied to the permanent anchor of his heart. But still provoked her desire to justify the madness.
“Look. I gotta do this. It’s so we can move forward. You know that, right?”
“Right.” He was bent over his guitar, his face obstructed by a shadow.
Chords for Just a Dream filled the studio. She missed her cue and he stopped and rolled his eyes. Probably couldn’t wait for the torture to end... Why had she condemned him with her?
“You said you’d give me time to work this out.”
“Am I saying anything, Lisa?” This time his eyes looked up straight at her. Oh yeah..they spoke volumes.
“Thank you...I love you. You know that, right?”
“Right...Get your intro right, please? I don’t want to be here all night.”
God. She felt like shit! Of course, that conversation had been before... Before her mad-dash into total insanity.
I thought you weren’t gonna think about that?
How do you forget flying into the sun? Her memories of that day were so jumbled, so disconnected. One minute she felt warm and secure with him...the next she lied to her daughter and her friend. Well- truth be told, she had to stop lying to Sarah as soon as Riley was out of earshot.
“So, Lisa, you wild woman. Which of my stable hands did you just shag? Because you know and I know you didn’t tumble over some stuff. And even that blue eyed innocent child of yours probably has her doubts.”
Shoot- she had needed help- and she needed to get herself cleaned up. The evidence of her temporary brain amputation was evident between her legs. No fucking protection! What in the world! Amazingly, Sarah was more amused than judgmental - and she helped with no questions asked.
Which was more than could be said about her daughter as soon as they arrived back at the house.
“Mom...we gotta talk.”
“Riley- I’m exhausted, baby. We talk later, okay?”
“I ran into Michael while you ah...put yourself together.”
Lisa knew she had turned her back and closed her eyes. Oh shit, shit, shit....
“Oh yeah? That’s great.”
It was getting more and more difficult to keep her voice even. When really, she simply wanted to scream. Scream until no words or sounds were left.
“He looked only slightly less a mess than you did. Funny, hm?”
“You know him. Not always all that conventional.”
“Mom...” Riley walked to her front and took her hand. “Mommy. Look...I know you loved him so much. But I thought you loved Lockwood now. You seemed so ...happy...before...before...”
“Before what, Riley? Before Michael almost died? Before I went off the deep end? Before all that?” She felt tears burn her sinuses. Lisa started to massage her temples.
Riley looked worried. She appeared to want to say something, then changed her mind and simply hugged her. “Mom...I’m on your side. I just want you to be happy. I don’t want you crying anymore...” Her little girl’s voice sounded like she was close to tears as well.
“Oh baby...I don’t know if that’s gonna happen...” Lisa sighed and tried to hide the couple of tears that did steal their way to the surface.
Thankfully, Riley had backed off. But it was more than clear the jig was up. Great. Now her baby-girl knew that she was a...
What exactly?
Well, the most lenient definition she could possible arrive at was that she was an adulteress.
Funny, though, because having been with Michael had been the first thing in an eternity that had felt right. It was as natural as breathing. And as necessary. And no, she had zero clue how things would go in the future. So far, he had not pressed too hard about defining what was going on. They had fallen back into that weird “friend” twilight zone: talking every day, chatting, texting....
Everything was almost normal. That thought nearly made Lisa laugh. As if anything had ever been normal between them. Having your ex-husband run around with your panties in his pocket at a party given by your friend, a duchess, where you just happened to have been brought back to life by said ex-husband’s penis was not the norm. Not even for her.
And Michael...he had been so amazing. Understanding, flustered, sexy, demanding...cocky- and all of the above were tinged by pain. He hid it well, and yet, every now and then, when she caught a certain expression or he said certain things, she caught the reflection piercing her heart. It had been there when he talked about her family. And then it was there after they broke apart. And when she came downstairs and almost had a heart attack, seeing Michael talking to Lucky.
Of course, she had been slightly side-tracked by wanting to wring Phillips’ neck! What the hell was his game? All his odd innuendoes. And his little rat eyes, glittering with enjoyment. He knew she wanted to keep things quiet. Did he really want to lose her money? It seemed he was happy as a clam, sticking twigs into the hornets nest. What a prick! Not totally surprisingly, the King of Paranoia had caught a whiff of something brewing. Probably due to the large amounts of shit she was shoveling. If Michael knew she had interfered he’d be livid. He’d probably see it as a betrayal- and God- if he cut her out, she would not be able to make sure everything went well and he survived this circus.
And it seemed to be working. He looked okay. Had not complained anymore that he felt they were driving him too hard. Of course, getting an accurate assessment of his true state was nearly impossible as he hated her asking about him eating, drinking, or sleeping. Karen seemed to think everything was alright. But then again, according to all reports, the woman had not raised any flags before, either.
Maybe she should go and pop by rehearsal one time. Phillips had asked her before but she had declined. And since Michael had hinted she should come as well she might just get away with checking up on him. Just this one time.
The very thought of watching Michael rehears or perform made her hot and cold at the same time. So many memories...
No, it wasn’t about that, though. It was about his health - both physical and mental.
Yes, Lisa, you are a virtual saint. Because that’s your only, oh so noble, reason for keeping taps on him. For counting the hours, no, minutes, until you talk to him again. For having finagled an invite to see Karen tomorrow.
Another rat Michael seemed to have sniffed out! For a man who could be utterly obtuse at times, driving her to distraction with not catching on to the simplest concepts, he was always on the ball when she rather he remain in the dark. For his own good.
Shaking her head, Lisa ventured upstairs, taking a little detour to check on the twins. Quietly, she opened the door and tiptoed from one crib to the other. Both little girls were sleeping deeply: Harper sucking her thumb while Finley was snoring in that cute way only a baby can. One little hand was holding on to the blanket, while the other was holding on to the mane of a stuffed horse someone with a crazy sense of humor had sent the twins a couple of weeks ago.
“I hope they love horses as much as their Mom.”
God!
Yeah, so much for him not bringing up anything. While he never did with words, he also never let her forget. And at times, the tension between them was thick enough to cut. Until one or the other backed way off. Talked about the weather or something equally insane. Michael was a master at this game: knowing exactly how long to sustain the tension until he gave. The question was- what was his goal? Was it to play with her? Or...
Or what Lisa? Or does he want you? Does he want you back? Would it matter? You are married and all, right? You made a pact to stop focusing on him- to let him move on. To admit your love will last into all eternity but to let him go.
Maybe, after his last taste of the past his interest in her had waned anyway. In that way... Seriously, she had not lost all her baby weight and she wasn’t as firm in certain places as she had been in her thirties and before. Maybe he found someone else to help him fall asleep. Someone younger... Someone with less baggage.
And why did that thought hurt so fucking much? It was simply the nature of things. People don’t hang around. The Prince was tired waiting for Rapunzel to let her hair down and found himself a chick in a rambler. And with less tangles.
Okay...maybe a trip to see him rehearse was definitely in order. Check out the... No, not the competition. Just check out his interactions... To make sure he was not isolating himself. Or to make sure he was...
Saving her from further torturous thoughts, Harper made a little sound, and Lisa walked over and gently stroked the flushed cheek with her index finger.
An image flashed before her eyes: Michael looking at her daughter. Reaching out- touching her little hand. His eyes...With that conglomerate of wonder and agony forming a bullet that blew her heart to pieces. Would it ever not hurt? Would she ever not think of what could have been?
Freedom and friendship, Lisa. Repeat after me: You are all doing this in the name of freedom and friendship. You guys sucked when you were married, and you sucked when you tried to be lovers. You never were friends ...how ‘bout you stick with it now and see if you’re any good at that. Freedom and friendship....
Kissing both sweet cheeks and inhaling that baby smell deeply, Lisa silently made it out of the nursery. Sighing, she leaned against the closed door. Without realizing what she was doing, she was chewing on her nails.
Okay, Lisa. What are you gonna do now to avoid going to bed? Like you do every night... Got some more songs to work on? A clean kitchen to straighten up? Pillows to arrange in the family room?
Well...no, it was not like she was avoiding the bedroom. She had been up late to work on her music. Plus, Lucky had turned in hours ago. He had stopped waiting up for her.
Well, safe to go, then....
Her idiotic inner dialogues really had to stop! Maybe she should see a shrink again. Now that she actually was allowed to do what was good for her. But how in the fuck could she ever make anyone understand... How, when she had never been further from comprehension herself?
Well, before she would lay down, she should probably get some water. From the sink. In the kitchen. Downstairs.
A good hour later, after having been side-tracked by some lines she was working on, Lisa quietly attempted to get into her bed without causing her husband to wake up. Wasn’t it lovely how caring and considerate she was? Maybe, if she was real careful, he’d never know how late she had been. She’d be spared that expression in his eyes. Hurt...anger...barely concealed. The little comments about her avoiding them being alone.
Holding her breath, she gingerly lifted the covers and slid into the cool comfort. As she listened to Lockwood breathing, she forced herself to relax and calm her mind. Should be nice and easy, right? It was late and she was tired... She should be drifting off to sleep any minute now. Yeah, right! Instead, she kept running her plan to visit with Karen over and over. What if....? What if he didn’t go to his fitting as planned. Would he do that? Change plans just for her? Was she ready to face him? Was she prepared to stand knowing this was his temporary home and he was not there?
No! Karen had assured her Michael was out. As had he. So, all was good.
Except that you possibly are a liar and want to run into him. Oh so innocently.
Well, of course it would be innocent! Nothing wrong with seeing a friend. Or two, actually. It was kinda cool how her and Karen had finally grown up and had discovered they no longer wanted to send the other into space. Without oxygen. A small miracle, given their contentious past.
Including the fact that in another lifetime, Michael had taken Karen on a very public dinner with the sole purpose of pissing Lisa off. Making sure photographers were conveniently present. Paying her back for having been stabbed in the back by her own legal team. When they filed the divorce papers despite her telling them to hold off. She had begged him to try again. Had pleaded. The anger was put aside to reveal her pain and her loneliness. The miracle happened and he actually engaged. Finally she had his full attention. After that horrible fight when she had told him he should go ahead and file - that she was done. And he was livid, yelling at her that fine, he’d give her her damn freedom and get his in the process. They had both cried. And he promised to give it another shot. That night she had been so full of hope. Then the morning came: and with it the wrecking ball of finding out “she” had filed for divorce. Only....she hadn’t. Panicked, she tried to call. And was told he was not available. She tried over and over and over....for seven days. The his message came: pictures out on the town with Karen.
Water under the bridge! Let it go!
And she had! So, it would be fine. Why should she not hang out with a new friend? Not her fault Karen lived on the estate Michael was renting.
God!. Lisa stiffened! What if his children were home... Would she meet them? It had been so long. Would they remember her at all? No, not very likely...
Regret...pain... Her own constant companions when the subject of his family arose. Illusions made of discarded wishes. Knives fashioned of past anger and betrayal. Having been replaced. Having their dream rented out to the cheapest liar with the most available womb to rent. That damn little enabler with the offer he could not resist.
“How well she could bake that cake I wouldn’t bake.”
The line of her song made her smile. How odd it had been to discover how fresh all that was. Shit laid on ice obviously still stunk just as badly after the glacier melted. What would Michael say when he heard that particular song...
Irritated, she almost punched her pillow. Was there no way to not think of his name every five seconds? Maybe counting backward from infinity would work and distract her. Or a bullet to the brain.
At some point she must have drifted off into a restless, dark sleep.
When she woke, she felt a little caress on her arm. Someone kissing her shoulder...
“Wake up, Princess...you’re missing the perfect light for making love... It’s magical....”
Smiling into the voice in her head, she snuggled closer to the warm body behind her. Dream and reality were bleeding into each other like colors in an aquarelle painting. Her sleepy brain was not able to process boundaries. She only knew the heavenly, melodic voice pulled her back under her brand of anesthetic No, it was definitely not time to wake up. It was time to gaze into those chocolate brown eyes drifting through the veil of her almost forgotten dream.
Feeling the hard ridge greeting her made her moan. A hand ventured over the valley of her waist to her hips... The sensation did not seem to jive with her inner life at all.
“Hold my hand, feel the touch, of your body cling to mine. You and me, making love, all the way through another night...”
Again, her mind took a deep breath and dove beneath the surface.
“Hmmm....” Her own voice brought her back. Some internal alarm told her all was not as it seemed...
“Are you awake, sleepy head?”
The screeching needle meeting vinyl. The melting bubble as the film ripped.
Shocked, Lisa flipped herself on her back and stared up into the blue eyes of her husband. Her current husband. The beautiful acquarelle canvas was slashed with acid. Fucking shit! She was so damn messed up! Would this ever end?
“Hey...sorry if I startled you. I thought you were waking up.”
Lisa cleared her throat. “Oh...hey...no...I mean...I was kinda awake and kinda dreaming.”
Of another time...another husband...Fucking shit!
Lockwood smiled and his hand reached out and traced her chin, then diverted down her collar bone to her chest. Oh crap!
Yes, Lisa. That ridge...that was your husband...indicating that he wants some morning nooky.
“Hey...did you just hear the girls?” Lisa attempted to not make her tone too obvious.
Lockwood rolled over to nuzzle her neck as his hand found her breast through her t-shirt. Yeah- sleeping naked had been put on hold. Well, her sleeping naked anyway. Glancing over, she realized that her husband was dressed in his birthday suit. Where were his ridiculous Elmo pjs if you needed them?
“Nope...I don’t think they are up yet. But I am.” His tongue met her skin and she shivered. And not from pleasure. God, she was one sick woman.
“No, wait! I could have sworn I heard Harper. She gets up to early these days, I swear!”
Hiding under the umbrella of maternal concern, Lisa scooted to safety.
Lockwood sighed in a very exasperated manner and rolled back a bit, staying on his side, braced on his elbow. His hand still on her boob.
“No, Lisa, I really don’t think the girls are up. And we have both a nanny and Riley and Ben to take care of the kids should they indeed want some attention. They don’t need us. But I..I need you...”
His eyes told of both his frustration and his confusion. Man, he didn’t deserve this. Maybe she should give in?
Softening, she reached up and brought him down for a kiss. A little, small kiss. That felt...like kissing a cousin of something. Annoying, slightly embarrassing, and with an expiration date that began before the contact.
“Well- Ben just arrived and he’s still tired and....”
She had turned her head away when she felt a tongue approaching.
Lockwood finally was unable to ignore the cold shower she was directing his way.
“Lisa! Is there something you are trying to convey here? Like that I’m bugging the shit out of you and it’s not convenient for me to want to spend some time with my wife?”
Her lips tightened. Normally, a comment like that, no matter how softly delivered would get her to fire back and go into full bitch mode. How dare he talk to her like that. Like..like...
Like a husband who has been on forced celibacy since June.
More guilt.
They stared at each other for a long while. Finally, Lisa broke eye-contact. Sighing, she rolled her eyes and fluffed up a pillow with care, propping it behind her, then sitting up, leaning into it, her arms folded before her. Lockwood backed away and also sat back in the bed. Next to her. Not touching. Obviously trying hard to keep his cool.
“So, this is about me not being up bright and early, ready spread my legs for you? Is that really what this is?”
Attack was the best defense, after all.
Out of her peripheral vision, she saw him take a deep breath. “No, Lisa. That’s not it. But you know...I gotta wonder. We’re married. I get that. You tell me you love me. But...” He took another deep breath then paused.
When Lisa turned her head, she found him staring straight at her. “Are we ever gonna make love again?”
Shit! He went straight for the jugular there. No more sugar coating.
“I...I.. What a fucked up question is that? You know it’s been..crazy...with everything...and....”
Translation: No, I have no fucking intention of making love or having sex till I figure all this out. Could he not simply respect that?
Maybe, if you tell him you fucked someone else. Then he’d have all the facts...
“Lisa! Cut the crap. We haven’t been intimate since HE almost died. And I know what you went through. I understood. Or tried my best to. But shit- let’s get it out here: He didn’t die. And as bad as things are right now- I wonder what would have happened if he had? I mean- really! You said you had feelings to deal with you never dealt with before- and again, I understood.”
“I know you did...And I thanked you like a million times..”
“Which is wonderful. But how about we let our lives go back to normal. And to living our lives. That would be thanking me. Michael Jackson is alive, Lisa. I understand you don’t want to abandon him. And I accept you have to be friends with him. And heaven knows it’s one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Knowing what I know...”
He swallowed hard, and Lisa felt more and more like the worthless shit she was. Lockwood did know so much. Too much He had been her friend before they became lovers. He had hugged her, talked to her, held back her hair when she barfed her soul out after another night of drinking too much, crying over Michael. Making herself sick over him.
“I know... And I appreciate you giving me this time. And you understanding...”
‘Cause heaven knows she didn’t understand. Here was this perfectly wonderful man, trying his best to be supportive. And yet, all she could do was kick his teeth in. Because her heart was not in it... Shit, when was the last time her hear had been truly hers to give? Or had it always been resting in Michael’s hands? Destined to be his for all time.
“Lisa, I have to be honest. I’m running real low on understanding. And patience. So- what’s the verdict? Is this how it’s going to be?”
“This? This...what? What are you saying- just spit it out. We could always be honest with each other...and..”
“Yes, right? Funny, I know. Except, I think we are not being really honest this time. I have been holding things in big time. For your benefit. Because I’m really trying to be all grown up and crap. But, Lisa, this is painful. I feel like you’re mourning the loss of your husband. Except, he is your ex-husband. And he’s not dead. All this time, your real husband is right here.”
She was forced to look straight at him. And it stunned her to see his pain. And there was also anger. Directed at her..at this situation. Well deserved, too.
“Don’t you think I know you’re my husband? And that he’s alive?”
“At times I wonder...”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Putting up a defiant front was great. But it was an act he’s seen before. What did he know? Or what did he suspect?”
“It means, I’m tired of being frozen in time. That our marriage is frozen in time. We’re great at being friends. And we’re great as parents. But shit, that’s not all I want, Lisa. I listen to your songs and it rips my heart out. I thought you were over all that...a long time ago. But suddenly...” He swallowed hard. “Suddenly, I’m getting the sneaky suspicion I’m not good enough. That what we have isn’t good enough. And I fear it’s never gonna be....”
Tight fingers of his honesty reached out and closed her throat. Tears rose. Were they born from her knowledge that he was wrong? Or was it because deep down she knew he was oh, so right.
“No, Lucky...don’t say that....”
“Why not? You can’t make love to me anymore, Lisa... You can’t be intimate with me. What’s that telling me?”
Oh God... Was this it? Was he gonna give her some sort of ultimatum? And then what? A deep breath... She was in no shape to make any decisions. Had no idea what was really going on. She had a life, children, a family. He would always be in her heart. She’d never felt with anyone as she had with him.
I’ve never been that high....
Recent dreams had brought it all back in the most vivid of ways. And still...dreams were just that. Reality was they had never been able to build anything lasting. It’s like they were cursed to not be able to live together while also not being able to let go.
“Look...It’s been tough. You know a lot of crap came up that I never knew was there...and I’m trying to cope...trying to figure it out.”
“It’s been four months. Four long, cold months, Lisa! How long till you figure it out? And figure what out? What’s left for you to decipher? I thought you said you are friends. Well, fine. I’m cool with that. Sorta. If that’s what we’re talking about.”
His eyes told of his doubts. Her heart agreed.
“You think there’s more? I mean, shit, lay it out there.... If you got some accusations to make...”
Lockwood just stared at her. In that odd way she could’t decipher. Like when he had asked her if something had happened that day.... That day her world had blown up once again. Thanks to Sarah she had been able to clean up...but she was a fucking mess, still. And he sensed she was ...off. His rational mind probably told him she’d never do anything too stupid at a public gathering. Little did he know the true depths of her insanity when it came to Michael. And her total lack of control, common sense, or restraint.
“Lisa Marie: I would hope that if you had decided to end our marriage in one way or another you’d honor what we do have and let me know.”
Here’s your chance... Tell him you still... Tell him the words you cannot even think. Be brave for once. Tell him about your confusion. The battle between what you know is best for you and what your idiotic heart insists on.
Quietly she shook her head.
“Dammit, Lisa!” His suddenly raised voice startled her. “Can’t you fucking just say what you want? I’m not gonna stand by forever, you know! We got kids now. It’s not just us you’re dicking over anymore! Don’t you think you owe me...I don’t know...” He ran his hands through his hair. “Something? Some sort of timeline... Can I expect you to snap out of this, or should I fucking get a lawyer? SOMETHING, Lisa! Cause I gotta know if I gotta fight for you or what! I’m not fucking ready to just walk away. I told you I’d do that if that’s what you needed at one point. But now we got kids. And we got a life. And you’re being less than clear about where you see yourself in all that.”
Where did she see herself? God, if only she had a fucking clue!
At that very moment, the baby monitor did announce first one, then the other twin waking up.
Lockwood stared at her, and she was pretty sure he looked as confused and angry as she felt.
“We’re not done here, Lisa. I’m not the idiot everyone thinks me to be.”
“I don’t think that. I know I’ve been so fucked up...more fucked up than normal. But look- we had all those changes. The move, leaving the sect...”
“All things you said you needed, Lisa. And I agreed. But it seems you’re trying to running from something you just can’t get away from.”
“I don’t want you think I’m running from you.”
“That wouldn’t scare me half as much as watching you try and run from yourself.”
“Come with me today...” She didn’t know where the words came from or what her motivation was. Was she scared? Or was she brave and tried to show him there was nothing she ran from. Or no one.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“No, really- you said you’d be in London. Just meet me at Karen’s and I have my care picked up later. We go home together.”
“You want me to come with you...to his house...”
“Karen’s house. He won’t be there. I told you I’m not going there to see him.”
He looked at her as if he was trying to read her soul.
“I tell you something: We stick with the plan. Riley, Ben and the girls come with me and then you meet us.”
“Well, I thought about it and I think since Riley wants Ben to meet some friends you drive with them, and then I meet up with you later. We ride home together and Ri and Ben can hang out a bit if they aren’t ready to come back with us- but I wanna take the girls with me.”
“Both of them?”
“Yeah. We got Christine - she can help me.”
Shrugging, Lucky agreed, and Lisa breathed a sigh of relief that, for now, the topic he was pressing her on had been tabled.
+++++
“Are you sure you can’t stay for dinner, Lisa?”
Giggling, Lisa wiped chocolate frosting off Finley’s face, while Harper snuck yet another pastry from Karen. “Heck no- I think those two had enough sugar to keep them up all night. I’ll be lucky if they don’t barf on the way back to London. Or maybe if they do, they’ll be able to eat some real food later.”
“I almost feel guilty..but they look so cute stuffing their faces.”
“They get that from me. The stuffing their faces part, that is.”
“Well- you look amazing for someone who likes to stuff her face...”
“It’s called camouflaging.”
“Yeah...right. More like you are trying to piss everyone off- looking this good and having less than one year old twins.”
Lisa wiped her daughter’s face one more time and sighed. “You know, Christine, I think we need to clean them up with soap and water. Could you do that while I gather up the toys they distributed evenly throughout the yard.”
Christine expertly packed the girls in their stroller and took them inside while Karen helped her gather up all the blocks, dolls, and cars her daughters had decorated the lawn with.
“Thanks for coming by, Lisa. With all the work we’ve been doing it was so nice to have some down time. And some girl time. I’m drowning in testosterone here!”
“I guess things have been crazy getting down to crunch time.”
“Oh you better believe it.”
Was it Lisa’s imagination or was Karen being slightly vague?
Well, Miss Big Mouth, put on your big girl pants and just grab the bull by the horns. Ask...
The very thought for some reason made her feel queazy. Or was it something else...
Feeling as if she was being watched suddenly, Lisa glanced around, but did not detect anything - or anyone- out of the ordinary. Being paranoid had almost became a life-style. Of course, from the moment she had set foot onto the elegant property she had felt on pins and needles. It took her quite a while to calm down- finally feeling assured that Michael was not pop up from behind some bush. Guess he really had zero interest to interact with her.
Happy? Disappointed? Well...being totally driven insane by emotions she could not pinpoint was more like it... Maybe she should focus on simply try to get some info. Which was one of the reasons she had come by. And no, any other reasons did not include some driving need to know where exactly he lived. Only 45 minutes away from her. Oh Christ... Why did the thought make her knees feel like jelly?
Cause you are seriously starting to doubt that a 45 minute barrier is enough to keep that pull at bay. The thirst only one source could quench. Hunger only satisfied by the fruit of the forbidden tree. Original sin, Lisa-style...
Closing her eyes, she took a breath and tried to refocus.
“Karen...Is he ready? Is he okay- for real?”
Lisa touched Karen’s arm, and the other woman seemed to hesitate before she answered. “He’s fine. So much better... Well... I mean. He’s going to be great.” THe last words were accompanied by a weird fake smile.
“Better? Better than what? Than...before?”
Wasn’t it great how everyone was speaking code about Michael’s almost departure from this earth?
“Oh, Lisa...” Karen glanced behind herself. Great to see the cloud of paranoia had not settled on her alone.
“I shouldn’t be talking ‘bout this. He’d be angry. And they- they don’t want any of this to be getting out. Shit- I still have nightmares, though. He was so bad. Before... In June.” A sheen of tears settled over Karen’s eyes. She blinked and took and inhaled deeply. “He was...well, let’s just say he was not good. I’m so glad it’s a bit different now.” Karen cleared her throat.
“Only a bit?” Alarm bells went off. Phillips better not fuck with her or she’d ruin his motherfucking ass.
“Well- I mean...” Karen looked around again, then continued with picking up toys.
Lisa touched her arm. “What? What were you going to say?”
“Nothing really...Let’s just say he wasn’t good. Not at all. I don’t ever wanna see him like that again, Lisa Marie. I thought...we were losing him... And.. well...”
Her eyes welled up.
“We almost did...” Lisa completed her sentence.
“Yeah.”
“But....it’s better now?”
“He’s stressed still...but nothing like back then.” Karen shook her head as if to dislodge unwanted memories. How bad had Michael been before his crazy doctor almost killed him? And why had people let him get like that?
“Do you think he’s ready to do this? Or will he go back...to...you know...where he stops taking care of himself?”
“I think June really scared him, Lisa. He was horrified he almost lost the kids. They are his everything. His reason for living. He’s doing much better.”
“Is he eating?”
“He seems to be. He’s lost some weight again. But not like back then. Man, Lisa, Bush told me stuff before...about how thin he had become. And I knew it, too. He was so out of it. And cold...freezing. And...well...you know...I really don’t wanna think about it. And talking about it...is difficult... Plus...” Karen was looking toward the small building in the distance.
“Plus?”
“Nothing...I’m not sure... But I think I see lights on in the studio. Wonder if he got back early...Guess his ears were burning knowing you’d be here. I knew he wouldn’t be able to stay away.” Karen could not suppress a sly smile, but the blood suddenly thundering through Lisa’s veins kept her from wondering about that too much.
Immediately, Lisa felt as if she jumped off a cliff. Oh shit! Well- maybe Karen was wrong.
Or maybe, she’s right and that explains your odd feeling of being watched. Wouldn’t be the first time, now would it?
“You think he’s back? He told me he wouldn’t be back in time...”
“Did he, now? You know him...unpredictable. And nosy as hell. Probably wants to know what we are talking about while pretending he’s working. You should go say hi or he’ll pout around again. He’s been more than moody.”
“Ah...not sure that’s a good idea. We kinda got into it last night a bit. He’s being ...difficult on purpose.”
“Difficult, hum? About?”
“Nothing much...he’s just being the little shit he always is...”
Trying to find out about her marriage. As if he cared...
“Well, he was more than interested about you coming over. Almost makes me wonder...”
Lisa stopped and tried to read Karen who started to resemble a cat about to toy with her most favorite mouse.
“Wonder what...”
Karen shrugged and gave her a sly little grin. “Oh..you know. Wondering if the old flame is still there a bit. Seems you guys have been getting...chummy...”
“Chummy like how?” Lisa laughed nervously. “Oh heck no. We’re friends. I told you. And I’m married.” No, the old flame was only in her cheeks now as they felt on fire. Thankfully, she located another toy which was a great excuse to turn her head.
“Yeah...exept, in your case, he doesn’t seem to care all that much about marriage vows. I still remember when you married Cage. He was furious. Pretending to be all cool and calm about it, saying it wouldn’t last...but he forgets I know him. I know that look in his eyes...”
“Well, that was different. I’m...you know...” What was the right word again?
“Happy?”
Why had she not come up with that word? Seemed fairly obvious. Right?
“Yeah. Happy.” Lisa set her shoulders.
Oh, great job of convincing her, Lisa...and yourself....
“Well, you better go and say hi, or I’ll never hear the end of it. You know how he hates being left out. He’s such a baby. Speaking of- take the girls, I bet he’d be tickled pink...”
Lisa was not so sure that was the brightest idea. On the other hand, was she really prepared to enter a studio? She swallowed. Well, obviously, normally that was not too scary an idea. But this was an empty studio save for the magnet pulling every fiber of her body. A magnet with the most amazing voice- a voice she had never been able to resist. Also, there was not much making her drop her panties at record speed faster than seeing Michael working. So many memories...holding hands as he worked, sang, listened...kisses..touches...making out...and more... Private studios did have their amazing advantages. A smile accompanied a sudden recollection:
“Lisa- what you think?”
“Oh, you just recalled I was here? Nice of you!”
“I’ve been working! I kinda assumed me with headphones and messing with the controls was a dead giveaway? What’s your problem now?”
“Nothing... Have a nice day... Sorry to bother you with what’s really important.”
“Lise- for heaven’s sake. What’s your issue now?”
“Fuck you..”
A hand on her wrist, stopping her from leaving. His breath on her neck.
“Okay....I can use a break...Drop those tight ass jeans you’re been distracting me with...”
Lips on the soft part of her neck, causing her to shudder through her anger. Hands on her hips... Staying behind her...turning her... moving her toward the couch...
“No...don’t - I’m mad...You being all sexy won’t stop that..” Her body disagreed and melted into his already hard cock pressed against her ass.
“Oh, girl” His voice deep as his hand came around to undo her jeans... “I like it when you’re mad...Makes you even wilder...”
“Michael...” Resistance dissipating... What had she been mad about again?
Her head fell back against his shoulder and the kiss came hot and scorching as his hands found her dripping heat.
“I thought you’re working...” Her voice deep and breathless. Hands reaching behind- opening his fly, feeling him hard and heavy. Ready for her.
“I am...” As he slid her pants down and dipped her forward she heard his voice singing, kissing her between sounds...before the notes dissolved into sobs and moans...
Lisa suddenly felt dizzy, assaulted by the sudden, intense memory.
And there were also recollections of tears- when he used his music to communicate, telling her in his language how he felt. Emotions, both light and dark painted a canvas with such brilliance it filled her both with longing and terror.
Shit, no- she had to bring the twins. No, she was not using them as a parachute to keep from dropping into his lap like a suicidal paratrooper. All very innocent- that’s what friends do, right? They bring their children to visit when they say hi. Perfectly normal.
What is that line in your song Lisa? - I was never your friend to say hi to....
Well maybe this was a time for forgotten seeds of all those ‘nevers’ to bloom. Never too late, right?
To prove that very point, Lisa, carrying Harper, while Finley had wanted to walk with her cute little insecure steps holding her hand, made it over to the studio minutes later. Entering, she heard and felt his voice since he, as usual, had everything turned up to the max. How in the world did he have any hearing left? It had always been a conundrum how Michael spoke so softly and his hearing was so delicately tuned and yet he blasted music at volumes unbearable to even his sound engineers at times.
For a split second she thought she’d reconsider and probably shouldn’t expose her children to future ear drum damage when everything was shut down and Michael turned, staring at her through the glass door separating them. She could have sworn his gaze turned the hard barrier to a dizzying, liquid membrane. Pure energy. The penetrating, piercing flame shooting straight through her. Time stood still. His eyes held her immobile and unleashed all kinds of crazy reactions. He broke the spell first and smiled at her, motioning for her to come inside. Seemingly just noticing she had her hands full quite literally, he jumped up and got the door for her.
“Hey...Lisa Marie.” That soft voice...seeing him up close again... that slight smile... “Welcome. And look what pretty little ladies we have here.” Both girls gave him their undivided attention, putting on their little shy act, cuddling up close to her for a second.
“Hey...uhm...I hope we’re not interrupting. We’re about to head out and Karen said she thought you were back early. So..well...I thought I’d say hi. Hope I’m not bugging you.”
“Don’t be silly..” He stepped up,stopped for a second, as if he was not sure how to proceed, and then hugged her- and thus her daughter, who surprisingly reached out and patted his shoulder, making quick friends with the virtual stranger. The embrace started off slightly awkward, but something shifted.
Man...For a second Lisa forgot time and place. She inhaled deeply and closed her eyes, her head resting against his chest for the shortest, most wonderful moment. He kissed her head, and automatically, she looked up. So close...not close enough... Her heart racing. His scent drugging her. Michael’s eyes consumed her. His head dipped lower...and she raised her lips. Autopilot. Pure and simple. His eyes narrowed. He licked his lips and she felt the jolt. The vision that was Michael became blurry as he came closer still. Lisa felt her eyes close against her better judgment. God, how she longed for the touch of his lips...
Finley next to hear made a little protesting sound, feeling obviously left out, and Michael blinked. Then kissed her on the cheek sweetly.
Lisa swallowed. Her throat was dry. Weird, given she felt she just about had salivated, hoping for that kiss.
The wrong kind of kiss, Lisa... Friends kiss with their eyes open, remember?
“So- who is who...” His voice sounded slightly raspy and she cleared his throat.
The most difficult chore of the day was to back away slightly- out of his hug.
“They don’t look that much alike, do they?” Lisa managed a little smile.
Michael crouched down and smiled at Fin. “Hey, little one, you must be Finley.” Taking her little hand he shook it ceremoniously and Fin studied him, then smiled broadly.
With a strange look, Michael looked up at Lisa. “They both look like their gorgeous Mom.”
“Flattery won’t get you everywhere, you know...” Lisa joked, then regretted the words right away. Yeah, real smart. What places hadn’t flattery gotten him with her?
Michael just grinned up at her in a very cheeky way, but let her comment slide by. He probably also appreciated the inaccuracy of her statement.
“Hey, young lady, can I pick you up?” He held his arms out to her and Lisa was just about to inform him that Finley didn’t particularly care for strangers when her daughter, in return, let go of her hand and took a little step toward Michael.
“Hey- nice steps! And they are less than one, right?” He kissed Fin’s cheek and picked her up.
Amazing. Her daughter did not seem to mind at all- and just assessed the man holding he with her blue eyes.
“Yeah- they started being way more mobile a couple of weeks back.”
“Hey, Harper, remember me?” Michael grabbed Harper’s hand and she smiled at him, also not the least bit phased. It never failed. He was such a kid magnet.
“Did you get a chance to look ‘round a bit? Or did Karen have you tied to a chair, talking you to death?”
“No, she gave me a little tour.”
“And?”
“It’s great! I love it. Very calm.”
“Yeah- it is. I’m kinda worried they all will get bored stiff. But I need a place like that. And the kids like it too.”
“I can see, why.”
“If you have time, I can show you the house... Unless you gotta run?”
“Yeah..I mean, no. Maybe...you know, another time. I have to get going soon.”
Michael gave her an odd look. A mixture of relief and regret... She knew it only too well.
“So...you wanna come and sit for second?”
“I...we...I don’t wanna hold you up. Sounded like you were busy.”
“Just tinkering around. Come on....I show you. You know that one...”
Michael took off toward the control board and she followed him slowly.
“Hey- I thought I heard Lady In My Life...”
“Hm...really? Why would I work on that old thing?”
Yeah, she was wondering the same thing.
“Maybe I misheard. It was so loud it was hard to tell what it was.”
His head turned and he smiled at her with a cheeky grin. “Yeah...well...I gotta feel the music- you know that.”
“Probably cause you blew out your hearing a long time ago...”
“Say what?” That sly little smile was too much. He sat down and Finley immediately reached for the controls.
Making a face, Lisa punched him in his arm.
“Ouch! Lisa- you are a horrible example to your children here! Behave.”
“Am I not always?” Did she plan to have her voice sound like that? Dark...seductive... Maybe he wouldn’t notice.
One glance...and she knew he noticed alright. Guess his hearing was not gone, after all.
“Oh yeah...” The timbre of his voice caused her insides to tremble.
“What?” Lisa attempted to laugh off the memories of her not behaving in his presence. Which were oh so numerous. And glorious.
“What?” Lisa attempted to laugh off the memories of her not behaving in his presence. Which were oh so numerous. And glorious.
“Nothing!” He laughed and shook his head.
Looking at him from the side made her realized he looked tired. He also seemed to have gotten thinner since last time she saw him.
“So...how did your fitting go?”
“Great...” He reached over, and guided Finley's hand as she explored the possibility of being a baby sound tech.
Yeah, that sounded convincing. And did she just now notice the tired, gaunt look in his eyes?
“That good?”
Harper also wanted to join her sister and started to squirm in her lap.
“Here- I can take her, too. She can reach better if I hold her. And then I’m balanced. For once” A tired, but sweet smile, trying to hide whatever he did not say.
“I don’t want them to mess anything up..”
“No, it’s fine..I let mine mix things all the time. They actually come up with cool things.” He reached over and placed Harper on his free leg. “Okay..look. Now when you slide this up...” He started playback and the girls eyes got big as they made the connection between sounds changing and the levers sliding.
Lisa watched them for a while, totally lost in the sight of Michael and her two babies... That weird feeling again. Something taking her guts and twisting them like a wet towel...soaked in her tears of loss and regret.
“So...are you back early cause it went okay or cause it went horribly?”
Michael sighed, not taking his eyes off the board.. “I really don’t wanna talk about it, Lise.”
“Horribly, then.”
“Let it go...” His voice was more than tense now. As was the way he bit his lips.
“Hey...” Lisa reached over and touched his arm. “Remember? It’s me, here. I told you you can share with me when things get rough. You don’t have to keep it all in.”
Michael looked over at her with an inscrutable gaze. He did that thing where he raised his eyebrows and tightened his lips, showing he was both tense and annoyed.
“I’m good. I’m a big boy. I got myself into this and I can handle it.”
“Yeah..like you did...before.”
Before you let them almost kill you.
“Thanks for being such a friend Lisa and letting me forget I let everyone down.”
Obviously, he had a direct line to her thoughts. Or she wasn’t very subtle. Well, that had never been her strong point anyway. Sure was interesting to see how pissy he got, though. Despite his quiet tone- which could be utterly biting and acerbic. As it was now.
“I really don’t give a rat’s ass if you let everyone down or not. But I don’t want you to do that thing where you run yourself into the ground because something doesn’t sit right. Why don’t you just speak up?”
More lip biting. He also adjusted the volume and allowed the girls to produce some really annoying sounds that seemed to amuse them.
“Michael. It’s your show. Why don’t you tell them you want stuff done your way or they can kiss your ass?”
This time he did look over at her. The anger and desperation in his eyes stunned her and almost knocked her back.
“Because I don’t have a choice. I can’t have a say in shit-all. You should see the crap they want me to dance in... They totally took over MJ the robot, over and it will only be over when....” His jawline tightened and he averted his eyes again, obviously working to compose himself.
“When what? When they do kill you? When you let them do it? Let them totally control you?”
“Oh, well, you wouldn’t know about someone totally controlling you, would you Lisa Marie?”
Her mother...the church...Danny at times... Oh God, did she know... Which was exactly why he needed to listen to her. Because she did know what could happen if you let others take over your soul. When you feel used and alone. Desperate. Wanting to die. Stifled by the realization that not only did you not have room to fly, but that you could not even spread your wings. As they shriveled up and died.
“I do know. But I know the only way out is to rebel- to break loose.”
“Like when you made your quiet little deal with your friendly neighborhood sect?”
Why, oh, why had she told him about all that not too long ago? She really needed to be more careful.
“That’s to protect my kids.”
“Exactly...”
Wait? What? Was he doing all this to protect his children? From what?
“Michael..I...what..”
“Look, Lisa... I don’t wanna be rude, but it’s been a long day, and I’m exhausted. And it’s getting dark. You don’t wanna be out that late, I’m sure.”
Lisa sat up straight. “Are you kicking me out?”
“Just looking out for you. They are driving on the wrong side of the road here, you might have noticed.”
“Unless it’s the right side and we’re doing it wrong.”
He gave her a tired little smile. “Or that.”
“I thought you wanted me to listen to something.”
Michael studied her face for a moment. “Yeah, I did say that.” His features softened. “Listen- it’s done. Finally...I think...”
Before long, a song Lisa knew he had been tinkering with over the years, “Best of Joy” was filling the studio air like a brilliant display of diamond drops dancing in the sunlight. Harper and Finley also seemed to still as they leaned against Michael who hummed along, his eyes closed.
Held in the embrace of his voice and his words, Lisa wondered if this was the life she threw away- Michael holding children...spending time with her, sharing his passion. Oh what she wouldn’t give to not have the same old questions torture and bend her mind. Once, she thought she had the answer: he would never be the man she needed... But now, watching him holding her babies, she wondered. She had seen him with his children before- but suddenly the thought she caught a glimpse of the Michael she always needed him to be. Calmer and more ready to share. Anchored not in his art alone, but more so in his family.
Was this what she threw away with both hands in 2005?
And if it was...what if she suddenly discovered it’s what she wanted? No, needed? Was he her Best of Joy? Always there...a shadow waiting as she ran after some illusion, closing her eyes to what and who was right there before her?
“Well?”
Startled, Lisa blinked her tears away.
“It’s perfect.” Her voice sounded strained. The very word not enough to capture what she wanted to say.
“Yeah...it’s getting there.”
“Oh, I think it’s there already.”
The words raced around in her head. She knew it was about his fans. About music. Never letting him down- talking to him. And yet, as with so many other songs she wondered if on some level she had a tiny piece of influence. But no...impossible. She had let him down too many times. Had told him she didn’t need him...only too often.
When he was her very reason for taking each breath. More often than not.
“So- you’re next, you know...”
“Next...to what?” She was lost. Had she missed parts of the conversation?
“To let me hear your work. All your secrecy is really making me curious.”
“I don’t really let anyone hear it right now. Only Lockwood...”
Harper looked up. “Daddy?”
Michael blinked, his face slightly changing. “Oh, yeah. Of course. I’m sure you only share with people you love and trust. Not outsiders. Well, anyway. I am sure you gotta go. Here I walk you out... If you take one of the little ladies, I carry the other one.”
Lisa felt as if a precious glass bauble had slipped from her hands and shattered into a million pieces. She was such an idiot!
“Michael, no- that’s not what I... Never mind..Yeah...you’re right, time to get moving. Come to Mommy, Harper. Time to drive to see Daddy.”
How could she explain her music? Her words? That it was all about him? Telling the story of her obsession? Her darkest secrets? He’d see... One day. But she couldn’t get into it now. Lisa took one of her daughters while Fin seemed perfectly happy staying with her new friend. She did also cheer up and call for her Daddy, starting to rub her eyes.
“Hey...Lisa...”
Michael’s voice called her back as she reached the door. Something in his tone gave her pause.
“Yeah?”
“Ah...I was thinking... I mean. I hope I’m not coming between you and your husband. Cause... I mean...watching you, watching your babies...it made me think that what you got with him was real important. Stable. You know...what you always wanted. What you need. He seems to be...” Michael swallowed. “He seems to be good for you. And I don’t think it would be right if I messed that up somehow. I mean...if our friendship messed that up...”
Lisa stopped cold, all the blood draining from her, his words having sliced her veins open. Was he...was he saying what she thought he was?
“He’s cool with us being friends.”
Michael blinked at the word.
“Well- the thing is...I was thinking. I got no right to..uhm.. interfere. You know?”
“No, I don’t know. Are you talking about that day? Are you saying you’re sorry about...” She glanced at her girls. Shit, this was not something she should be discussing in front of them, but hell, he brought it up.
Michael looked down, studying the pattern of the floor. “No, I told you how I felt about...that. But- I was reading the Bible the other day and it hit me: maybe so much stuff is happening because I’ve been intruding. On your marriage. It ain’t right...”
What? Had he lost his mind?
“Us being friends isn’t right? Because you read the Bible?”
He closed his eyes and took another breath. “We’re not regular kinds of friends, Lisa. And you know that... I just think.. Maybe I gotta give you more space. Stop hanging on to something that can’t ever be. You made a choice and I got no right to constantly be messing with that.”
“Are you on something?” Where did her cocky, possessive Michael go? Was he letting her go? For real?
Lisa felt she was falling off a cliff- a cliff he had shoved her off. Panic raced through her. Fear. Absolute horror.
He snorted. “I wish. No- this is for real. I gotta let you go, Princess. You gotta be there for those babies. And for your husband. He seems nice. I mean..I don’t know him, but he seems to give you what I never could. You were fine...before I almost keeled over...you were good, right?”
No! She had never been fine! Never been good. Not really. The bandaid had been ripped off and took all her skin with it. Exposing her frantically beating heart. More code spelling out his name.
“Michael...what are you saying? You don’t want me in your life? Is that what you’re saying?”
“No...I want you...in it, I mean. Too much. But it’s wrong. And I gotta let you do what you think is right. So...if you still don’t wanna come and see the shows, I won’t be mad.”
“You don’t want me to see the shows?” Her eyes widened in disbelief.
“I didn’t say that. I just mean....”
No- this was not happening! She had to get the hell out of here. Before he said something that could not be repaired. He was tired. That’s all.
“Look, I gotta go. I’m sorry I kept you this long and...” And she was in no condition to be fired from his life. Not on those terms. Not because he suddenly felt guilty in an attack of morality. Oh no, he was not pushing her away like that. He probably did this to get her to stop asking questions about the shows... Well...she would not let him do this. He was not going to get rid of her.
“Oh, there you guys still are! I was wondering if you left without saying bye, Lisa! Oh, Michael- see? I told Lisa Marie you’d make quick friends with her girls.”
Karen came in and quickly noticed something was off. “Ah...you guys okay? Didn’t fight or anything, did you?” She looked from Michael to Lisa.
Lisa cleared her throat. “No- we’re fine. Here - I can take her.” She stepped over and retrieved her daughter, who protested with a little whining sound as Michael let her go.
“Lisa, don’t be mad...I ... We talk later, okay?”
“No, we’re quite done. You made yourself pretty clear. And I have a husband to get to. As you just pointed out.”
“Oh, Michael called, by the way. I mean- the other Michael. He said he was waiting.” Karen chimed in.
“Thanks Karen. Is Christine ready?”
“Yeah- I can take the girls out if you need some help. I really feel I busted in on something.”
“No- we’re done. I see you Michael. Or not. It’s been...real.”
Trying hard to fight down the those stupid tears, Lisa pushed the door open and headed out. How dared he dismiss her like that? Well, fine. He was not her riddle to solve any longer. She had given up living with a rubic’s cube and much preferred clear and simple patterns.
Lisa said her good-bye to Karen and thanked her for the day. In some sort of daze, she headed to her car, Christine helping out and taking one twin from her.
“Lisa Marie- don’t leave mad.” Michael’s voice surprised her and she almost hit her head on the door frame. What now? Did he come rushing after her to see what damage he caused? Ignoring him, she continued to double check the girls were buckled in right, even as she knew Christine who was sitting back there with them had it covered.
“I’m not mad. I realized you were totally right. I’ve been involving myself where I’m obviously not needed. Or wanted. Go see your kids. They need you, and they are everything you need.”
“Lisa...that’s not what I was saying...”
Michael was standing behind her, blocking her way.
“Do you mind? My husband is waiting as you so eloquently pointed out.”
“Lisa...”
She stepped around him and went to the driver’s side. Michael followed closely.
Her hand reached for the door handle. His hand stopped her when he reached for her fingers. “Lisa- come on. Don’t leave like that. All I’m saying is that you seem to have a good life. Two gorgeous babies and a good man. I don’t want to complicate things as you worry about what I’m doing. You got enough on your plate.” He glanced behind at her nanny, who was no doubt trying hard not to listen.
“Great. So- how about you grow up and take care of yourself and don’t let people push you ‘round.”
His eyes narrowed. “I don’t let anyone push me ‘round.”
“Wonderful.Can I get into my car now?”
Shrugging he stepped to the side slowly. “Please drive carefully, okay”
Lisa slammed her door shut and started the engine, refusing to look over at him again.
God, she hated this! Hated to not be folded into his arms as he hugged her good bye. Hated seeing some empty void in his eyes. Hated noticing how worn he looked. Hated... Well- like he pointed out, that was all no longer her business. He decided what they had done was wrong. Black and white. That was his life. You’re either in or out. And she was out.
As she drove off, she noticed he stood rooted in place. His hands in his pockets...looking alone and lost.
Oh, Michael, why don’t you let me in?
Because he was a one man show. Always had been. He didn’t want her? Fine! She’d survived him before and she’d do it again. And yet, her heart was breaking along the same old fault lines. Why did it hurt so damn much? Not like they had anything this time anyway. He had used her for sex. What else was new?
Unless...unless he, for some reason decided to push her away. But why? Why now? Didn’t he need a friend? He seemed so utterly lost and alone. Lisa replayed their encounter. Everything had seemed just fine- until she tried to dig about his fitting.
Well, he could fire her from his personal life as much as he liked- but she still had a business connection he was not aware of. And here he thought he was so smart.
Maybe it was time to become a bit more involved in her little investment. With a sly smile, Lisa decided to table all further thoughts and focus on the road ahead. The girls started to be fussy and Lisa fiddled around with the radio, trying to find songs that would not nurse her hatching headache.
“And now, in preparation for the concerts of the millenium- Let’s get into the mood with the King of Pop...” And before she could do anything she was captivated by his voice singing You Are Not Alone. A tear escaped and rolled down her cheek before she could wipe it away. As it fell, it detonated on the granite floor of her heart with the impact of a nuclear explosion.
(To be continued)
©2013 Erika B Michaels. All Rights Reserved. This story is a work of fiction. Any names, places, and other identifying features are used in a fictional manner, for entertainment purposes only, and are in no way representative of actual events. This work may not be reproduced, copied, transmitted, or stored without expressed written permission by Erika B Michaels. All photos and images, mentioned songs or song titles are copyright their creators. ABSOLUTELY no disrespect is intended to any persons portrayed in this work.
