26
The world at his feet. Sparkling and surprisingly cool here high above the heat of the desert. The lights of the city far beneath him almost reminded him of the kaleidoscope of light decorating soft billows of snow during a sunny day. A chill grabbed him and ripped him from the vice of numbness. Of course, the dark of night had a habit of covering the sweltering heat of the day with a cooling thermal blanket. Nature prepared to grant a brand new awakening to all creatures. Everyone got a new start. Everyone deserved a break from heated tension. Almost everyone. Some creatures under this startlingly full moon were exempt.
Some things were beyond redemption.
Some things could not be forgiven.
Some words could not be atoned for.
“…you little, faithless, murdering whore.”
His hands clamped over his ears in vain. The voice- his voice- rang out over and over in the echo of his mind like a huge bell in an ancient tower.
Suddenly another voice manifested in the twisted ganglions of his brain, adding to the horror. One that at any other time was a soothing balm to his wounds. His mother’s voice competed with and finally trumped his erratic babbling. The formerly comforting tone succeeded in ripping open his skin, pouring acid down to his very soul. The truth was a powerful poison.
”You must be so frantic. Well, I went to see Lisa today. She is recovering nicely from her surgery.”
“You went to see her? Why?”
“Why? What an odd question. Because I love her- she’s family. And not only did she almost drown in her pool, she could have bled to death from that ruptured cyst.”
“The what?”
“Michael- are you feeling well? You sound like you just got up or something. I’m sure you know she had surgery after a ruptured cyst. She looked so down still. Poor kid is probably worried not having heard about the biopsy results yet. I almost didn’t recognize her: So small and pale in that bed of hers. That girl cannot afford to lose any more weight, I tell y’a. She barely smiled when I saw her… It seemed like something grave was on her mind…that poor child- she’s been through so much…”
His mother had talked on, but he had barely been able to listen through the drum line of his heartbeat. No, mother had to be mistaken. Lisa obviously had lied to her. What was she supposed to say? “Katherine, I killed your grandchild,’ might have been in slightly bad taste.
Still, the doubts remained.
The thought of contacting other sources stayed locked in his head for several days, held prisoner by the medication he took to maintain the blue curtain of artificial calm. The small voice warning him that he was relinquishing control again was silenced with justifications that he had been under too much stress much too soon after escaping the nightmare of the past two years. His system was worn out- the fabric of his endurance, once strong and indestructible, was now frail and thin. Anything, the slightest assault, a glance triggering certain thought or feelings, could inflict unbelievable torture. At least that was how the shrink he had seen had explained it. It kind of made sense. And hearing how Lisa had chosen to betray him was anything but a small injury.
It was an amputation without anesthesia.
Unless it was all a lie.
If only his thoughts were not jumbled. No, not jumbled. They were subdued. They reminded him of lightening bugs- a sparkle, then gone. The energy to follow any one idea or hunch had been zapped. His nervous system had been short-circuited and put into some kind of coma.
This was not new. This was a feeling he had hoped to never have again. Or was it the absence of feeling that set off alarm bells?
It had to stop. The lack of pain was nice- until it became a barrier to living.
What had the therapist said? Life sometimes means pain unless you were a reptile without a mammalian nervous system. That he overestimated the chance of disaster. That he had to re-convince himself that he was able to bear the anxiety. It even had worked for a while. Maybe it could work again.
Slowly, he cut back on the pills. He knew full well what would happen if he went cold turkey. Grace was a pain in the ass- always fussing, always reminding him to take the next dose. He took the pills she handed him, then flushed them down the toilet. That way, at least they were gone from his presence. She probably meant well, but he was done hiding. He missed his children. He missed his life. He could do this. Again.
For a couple of days he had been enshrouded in a storm so dark and torrential he did not even care. When the feelings returned he almost wished he would just do what had been the solution for most of the past year- hide in a small orange bottle.
One unexpected ally presented itself in the form of one of his attorneys bugging him that he had to appear for a deposition in London. His team had stalled and stalled- but now it seemed inevitable that he go.
London: Not the greatest place to avoid thinking of Lisa. So much of their history was tied to London. And wouldn’t you know it, his attorney had made reservations at the Carlton Tower Hotel again- the same place he and Lisa stayed at in 1997 when they were hot and heavy. God, that time had seemed like a new beginning. And of course they crashed and burned. Well, if he was totally honest, part of the problem was that he refused to commit to her again. His heart longed to be with her, screamed for her. His body did as well, but that was old news. Yet, his mind could not bring himself to trust her one more time. This was how paralyzed people must feel- their brain telling them to move a limb, and the limb not responding. And then, once he had finally realized that he indeed wanted to be married again, she had started screwing around with his mind. And numerous men. What a mess!
When the fog lifted enough for him make it out of bed, he started to reach out by computer. All the sources he contacted confirmed his mother’s story. How come there was not one leak of an abortion? Not even his buddies in the tabloid industry smelled a rat. Maybe there was no rat to smell… Could it be true?
Someone was lying.
But who?
Everyone had motivation.
Who could he afford to trust? The never ending dilemma of his life. Most people had to sort out who was trustworthy. He had to decide who was less likely to fuck him over.
"If you don't stop being so fucking gullible they will kill you. People are not your friends just because they agree with you or hang around you."
How right she had been. And what a price he had paid for not listening to her.
It was so hard to decipher which smiles were genuine and which were designed to distract him from the knife about to plunge into his heart. Or his back. Usually both.
Lisa had always been the one person who dared to be brutally honest. He had called it uncouth and manipulating- had wished for her to have more tact. But Lisa’s default setting was to tell it like it is. It seemed she only tended to lie when backed into a corner. Several examples filled his mind: When she went on birth control, after he refused to hear her about not wanting a child while they were divided. When she told him she was indifferent after fearing he would suck her into his drama again.
What about now? The woman he barely knew told one story. The woman he had known and loved for longer than he could remember had not denied the charges hurled at her. Was lack of denial a confirmation?
The thoughts raced through his tiring mind, bounding off the aching walls and corners of his awareness, ricocheting into each other at lightning speed.
His heart told him the truth, ripping the blindfold from his eyes, rendering him screaming and scorched from the light of the truth.
“…but you were too busy listening to a woman who has every reason to hate me. How fucking stupid and gullible are you? And don’t think I can’t hear that you are fucking stoned. Is that your new life? Back on the fucking shit you fought so hard to kick? What happened?”
What happened indeed? How had he gone from planning a life with Lisa to listening to something so atrocious? Based on what?
Trust. Misplaced trust.
How funny. Would he ever learn?
Finally, he kicked his efforts into high gear and invested some funds to let his investigators do some thorough digging. He did not directly request they do something illegal, but he made it clear what information he wanted and that nothing else would do.
That night, he finally had forced himself to leave the room again to have dinner with the children. Their worried glances did not escape him. The attempts to joke around did not suffice to lighten to mood. Paris cautiously had asked if he was better. How painful to see their reaction to his ‘illness.’ How horrible to have to lie to the people he loved the most. His assurance sounded strained to his own ears, and the glance exchanged by his two older children was not missed. Blanket simply seemed happy to be in his lap again. Thankfully, he was like a joyful puppy- not ruminating about having been left behind and only too thrilled the loved person had returned.
When Grace had scolded the children to leave him alone as it was time for his medicine, he sharply replied that he was with the only medicine he needed. He also asked her to take the evening off. Slamming some cabinet doors shut, she huffed from the room.
The children decided they wanted to watch Beauty and the Beast, which also was one of his favorites. His laptop was close by, and he decided to check his email right before the movie ended. The mob was getting ready to “Kill the Beast.”
Yes, his investigator had sent the report he had requested. Who said you could not obtain medical records if you asked the right questions and flashed the right amount of money? It was scary really, how nothing was as private as it should be.
Paris and Blanket had fallen asleep and Michael covered them with soft quilts, touching and caressing their cheeks lovingly.
“Daddy- I am so glad you are back. Don’t leave again.”
Prince’s big, dark eyes pierced his heart and released a tear. Silently, he hugged his son, holding on to the sweet child, as neither one wanted to end the embrace.
“I’ll stay here with them. It’ll be like a camp-out.” Prince fixed himself a cozy bed from blankets and pillows. As so many times before, Michael marveled at his son's maturity and insight that surpassed his chronological age.
“I’ll be back to check on you guys later. I just gotta get some things taken care of, ok?”
Prince nodded and snuggled into his little cot.
Michael took his laptop into the study. Sudden fear kept his hand frozen and prevented him from opening the message. What if it was true? What if Lisa had a horribly health crisis which was used to drive a wedge between them? Not only would that mean he had not been there for her, no, it also meant he had condemned her without evidence or without taking a minute to talk to her. In effect, he had chosen the word of practical stranger over the woman he loved.
Well, the truth was only a mouse click away.
The phone rang and made him jump. His heart rate sky-rocketed.
“Michael, you were supposed to arrive three days ago. What happened? I had hoped we’d have some time to prep for the deposition.”
He sighed, attempting to come up with a believable excuse to Larry, his attorney.
“Ah, my son was not feeling well, and I was hesitant to leave him.”
“Is he ok?”
The guilt about lying about the health of his children gave him a headache. Why did everything have to feel like such a chore?
“Absolutely. I will fly out as soon as possible. I still have two days, right?”
Two days to be slapped in the face by flashbacks of Lisa lying naked on his bed- greeting him with nothing but a naughty smile and a glass of champagne after a show.
Larry seemed exasperated, but remained civil, only strongly urging Michael not to postpone the flight again.
Michael hung up, the image of Lisa in his bed nailed to his retinas.
After finishing the show he had been irritated to find she had left for the hotel early. As usual, the adrenaline had him bouncing off the walls and he longed to hold her, kiss her. She had been there during quick changes, at one point laughing her ass off after the girl he had on stage for You Are Not Alone had been more than fresh.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing. Just to know that they can touch…but not like I can. And you were cracking up and blushing and everything at the same time. It was too funny.”
“I’ll show you funny later, trouble-maker.”
“Promise?”
As usual she gave him a semi-hard on and would have succeeded to get him all the way to burst out of his pants had not Karen interrupted to touch up his make-up. He rolled his eyes at Lisa and tried to cover up her handiwork before Karen noticed, sending her into more giggles.
He had expected to find her waiting for him- but was informed she had taken off as soon as the show was over.
And there she was, on his bed. Naked. Unless one counted the sparkling sapphire diamond necklace he had just presented her with after a shopping spree earlier today.
“Why didn’t you wait?”
“What are you talking about? I have been waiting.”
On second thought, her version of ‘waiting’ seemed much preferable at the moment.
She shifted, one leg propped up, almost granting him a view of her ass. His penis, semi-hard all the way over thinking about her, sprang into full action.
“Uhum. I can see that. What’cha up to?”
She raised an eyebrow and sat up, reaching over to pour him a glass of champagne which she held out to him. Her breasts tempted him and he longed to taste the hardened tips. Taking the glass, he remained standing, while Lisa sank back into the pillows she had propped up behind her. What a perfect temptress.
“Did you like the show?” he asked innocently while enjoying the show she was putting on for him at the very moment.
He labored to keep his tone neutral as his throat became dryer despite the bubbling cool drink.
“You know I always do. But with all that perfection. You still have a problem…”
“Oh yeah…?” The sip of the chilled, bubbly liquid did nothing to quench his thirst. And she was right, he did have a huge, hard, aching problem right now. The solution was right before him, though.
She squirmed and shifted, again tantalizing his senses. Her arousal was as obvious as his was painful.
“Yeah. Watching you gets me…in the mood for bed…”
Watching her right now had him in the mood for bed, walls, showers, floors…anything really. No holds barred. He had lots of time to make up for after all. Instead of pouncing he decided to let things sizzle a while. All part of the pay-off.
“For bed? It gets you tired? And how is that my problem? Seems to be something you are struggling with.”
Her loopy smile and her hooded eyes made it more than clear what she meant. But why not make her say it?
“Well, ok, Mike, let me lay it out for you.” Her leg dropped to the side and he about dropped his glass. “It gets me hot- and wet…and ready for you….”
More squirming that granted him a view of the very wetness she was referencing as well as made her breasts sway in the most delicious way, sending blue sparks from the emeralds that hit his groin in a painful manner.
“Hm, sounds like that is a problem indeed. I know what you mean, though. Performing is tiring. How do you know my show did not get me in the mood for bed- I mean sleeping- as well…”
The very last thought in his repertoire was sleep at that moment- even though his voice did sound raspy and deep as if he had just been climbing out of bed. When he had every intention to climb into bed.
“You don’t look tired…Or at least parts of you don’t.”
Her eyes found his very awake cock threatening to break through the athletic pants he had thrown on after the show. In response, it seemed to jump even more, begging to be released. She was a temptress and some kind of man-snake charmer. A woman most dangerous. Just like he always had known.
Lisa sat up ever so slowly, then got on all fours, crawling toward him on the bed like a smooth, sleek cat. When she reached him, she got up on her knees and looked up at him, her blue eyes competing in splendor and shine with the sapphires around her neck.
“Well, if you’re tired let me help you out of these clothes, Daddy. You look more than…uncomfortable.”
She reached for his shirt and helped him to take it off, taking care to tenderly touch his arms and chest before he could not help himself any longer and pulled her toward him for a wild and hungry kiss. His tongue pried her lips open and she was reciprocating the dueling dance. His hand found her shoulders before he let his fingers travel down her ribcage toward her slender waist, gripping her tightly. How he loved the sight of his long fingers on her tiny little waist. Especially when taking her from behind… Swallowing hard, he told himself to stay in the moment and not rush. This was too good.
Lisa broke away from his lips, and left a wet and fiery path down his neck, her tongue and teeth marking him. For a second he thought about stopping her to prevent any marks that would make lying to Karen necessary the next day…then all thoughts stopped as her hands found his pants and pulled them down in one swift motion.
Her laughter informed him she had found his little secret. In his rush, he had forgone underwear.
“Is our King of Pop going commando tonight? I hope that was all for my benefit?”
“All for you, girl. You know that.”
Michael stepped out and over his pants while Lisa’s hot grip found his steel, letting her fingers glide along his aching shaft, moving the silky skin along the iron core. For a second he enjoyed the feeling, then he pushed her back, evoking a squeal and a sultry laughter.
“Spread your legs, Princess. The champagne was nice, but want to drink something else right now…”
Her breath quickened and her breasts heaved as she slowly complied. She was gorgeous- and ready for him already. Well, he planned on getting her even reader.
Taking his glass with him, he crawled toward her. Approaching her honey pot, he heard her small whimper.
“God, I missed that. Don’t you ever let me get away...”
Michael poured some champagne on the center of Lisa’s heat, making her gasp as her hips shot off the comforter.
“You’re getting the bed wet…”
“No, you’re getting the bed wet..” He growled referring to her dripping juices, then he swiftly bent forward, grabbed her ass and angled her just right to enjoy his favorite treat.
After he brought her to a quick, loud release, he scooped her up, proving that she did not have to worry about the bed being wet- as he was quite happy to fuck her against the wall, making her scream his name. Right before he reached his thundering release in side, he swore to do just as she asked and to keep her with him forever. Then everything drowned in the heat of his climax and in their combined moans and sighs.
Michael swallowed hard, and forced himself away from the painful, yet exhilarating memories. How had they gone so wrong from that night in London? Sure, he had been married, but he could have made different choices. But every action had an equal and opposite reaction, and each one of his decisions had forced Lisa to react, alright.
What if he had been wrong? What would the result be this time? How had he been so blinded?
Will you finally open the damn email? Then, maybe you could stop stewing and know what’s what. There still is a small chance that Julia was right. But you gotta have the guts to face it either way.
Clicking the document open, he read the report, as tears started to complicate the task.
When he was done, all he could do was sit in frozen stupor. Then, the floodgates opened and he buried his head in his hands, sobbing.
Oh God. It was true.
Relief hit him. Then regret. Worry, fear. Was she ok?
What his mother had told him was true. Lisa had been brought to the hospital after having collapsed and fallen into her pool, no less. She had suffered from a uterine cyst of undetermined origin which had led to hemorrhaging. A miscarriage had been ruled out. The words ‘negative for pregnancy’ flashed in his mind, a cacophony of sound and light. Sirens driving him crazy- warnings issued way too late.
How scared she must have been. Alone, cold, horrified…
All the feelings cursing through him now. The immense guilt and regret restricted his chest, compressing his lungs and heart. He felt sick to his stomach. Feeling hot and cold at the same time, he could not contain the shivers racing through him.
Lisa had not betrayed him.
But what had he done?
This one was on him. He had let her down. The knife thrust into someone’s chest had been held by his hand.
He had to make this right. Now. He had to beg her forgiveness.
God. How could he ever expect her to forgive this? And even if by some miracle she did- how could she forget?
How does one nullify an accusation of murder?
“Not after what, Michael? Not after I lost our baby? Or did I abort that, too?”
Now her words made sense. Nothing but intense pain and anger.
He would have seen that, would have read her, had he been in his right mind. But no- he had faltered and had failed her and himself. And his children. The three with him now as well as the one angel in heaven, the baby that never had a chance.
Intense visceral pain rendered him dizzy. No, he could not think of that child and how he had dishonored his or her memory. Had accused its mother of killing its sibling.
Somehow he found himself in the bathroom, running cold water, trying to divert the rising panic attack. He reached out for the cabinet door, staring at the bottles in there.
With great effort, he threw the door closed again.
Fucking hell!
That’s how he got there, this had been the road before. No more hiding…
The mirror shattered, and he realized he had punched it. The blood on his hand seemed unconnected to the action he did not even recognize as his own. Staring at the cuts he noticed they were only surface wounds. Unlike the horror ravaging him from the inside. Unlike the gauges inflicted on Lisa.
Reaching for his phone, he swallowed the tears and dialed her number. After the machine kicked in twice, a voice answered.
“Lisa, thank God.. I ..you..”
“Michael? It’s Riley.”
Taking a deep breath, he attempted to sound normal. What a laughable concept? When was the last time he had felt remotely normal? Oh yeah, when he was with Lisa. The woman who grounded him whom he had driven away, probably for good this time.
“Riley, baby. I need to talk to your mother. It’s urgent.”
“Ah, I’m sorry…”
“Look, I know she won’t want to talk to me, but it’s essential. There was a huge misunderstanding. I was misinformed about something and, ah, I really need to talk to her…tell her.”
“Michael, I don’t know what went down, but she was pretty adamant about not wanting to ever talk to you again. Well, I also know she’s said that before…but something in her tone….it really scared me this time, Michael.”
She didn’t want to talk to him. She hated him. Had he finally succeeded in driving her away? No, Lisa loved him. She was angry, but she loved him. Her anger was justified, but he was sure her love had to be in place. Just like his was always there, beneath all the pain, the anger, the mistrust... Just because it was night did not mean the sun had ceased to exist. One simply had to wait for the earth to finish its rotation to be rewarded by the miracle of the golden sunrise. Or, if it was urgent, one could travel the earth to seek outs its mother star. That was how their love was: hot, life giving, potentially scorching, hidden at times, but always there- born from a secret combination of elements long before they were born. And destined to outlive them.
But stars also die...and swallow up everything around them...total annihilation...
No, it was highly unlikely. He would feel it if she had stopped loving him.
“Riley, please, I need to get in touch with her. Is she ok? Is she all mended again?”
“She’s out of the hospital and she is strong enough to kill me if she knew I was giving you this info. I swear I would get her for you, but she is not here. She left a couple of days ago. And I’m under strict instructions to not tell anyone where she is at. I’m sorry. I can’t go against her on this.”
Michael closed his eyes. No, of course not. How could he expect a daughter to go against her mother? Riley was a good kid. He loved her for her loyalty. She had always been unwavering in her love – for him as well as for her mother. And she was so protective of Lisa. Well, she had every right to be.
The call got him nowhere. The only positive outcome was that he left his number with Riley, imploring her to pass it on to Lisa. She said she'd try. Which was all he could hope for. He tried several other people next. No one seemed to know where she was. Tom- maybe Tom knew. Predictably, he didn’t get an answer. He left a message.
Resisting the urge to throw another phone, he was unable to sit still. Pacing the room like a caged animal did nothing to bring relief. Feelings of guilt and self hatred spurred him on and rode him like a hellbent rider, whipping him toward some unknown finish line. He had to get out of here! The walls threatened to close in on him, making breathing almost impossible. Driven by sheer desperation he had left the house, asked Karim, his most trusted security guy, to drive him around. And somehow he had ended up here- on top of this elegant, exclusive, high towering hotel. One of the tallest buildings in the world.
The platform was normally closed this time of the night. As usual, his name and a nice tip had bought an exception to the rule.
Michael assured Karim he would be perfectly safe by himself. Who would harm him, up there, all by himself?
Who indeed when your worst enemy is your damned paranoia and distrust.
Karim tried to object, but backed down, shaking his head.
"Well, if you' re not back down in 30 minute, I'll come to check. How 'bout that?"
The tired, appreciative smile never reached his eyes, and he was well aware Karim was worried. It was hard to find employers who both paid well and were considerate.
And it's exactly that kind of jaded worldview that's got you standing on top of a skyscraper in the middle of the night all alone and forsaken.
After the tumultuous thoughts all night long, Michael noticed an eery calm and peace spreading. The cool breeze and the altitude sheltered him from any sounds from below. It was too early for birds. Walking up to the too platform, he approached the railing. His gaze swept the sparkling carpet below once more, pondering how the light traffic resembled ants with some kind of luminescent coating. His attention glided upwards easily like a leaf being lifted by an invisible, playful wind, and with almost detached admiration he observed the glitter and sparkle from the buildings around him: monuments built by man in vain attempts to reach into the heavens with their technological splendor. Nothing compared to the tapestry stretching before him as he lifted his eyes even higher, away from the glare below to the gently glimmer spread like a billion of diamonds onto black silk.
How many times had he lain under these very same stars, his hands intertwined with Lisa’s, listening to the sound of her breathing as they enjoyed their bond. A bond so strong and eternal like the universe sheltering them in its grasp. Like the stars in the night- their connection was so obvious and impressive at times, while it also stayed hidden from view for years at a time, just like the stars above were hidden from plain view during the light of day.
“When I’m not there with you, all you have to do is look up to the stars and just know that our hearts and minds can meet gazing at the same image.”
This was the note he had written her, having sent her a telescope. Lisa had been upset, having been left behind for some obligation her mother had pressed on her, while he had an appearance on the other side of the planet.
Did she remember it now? Did she know that they were still guided by the same sentinels?
What if she did not? What if he was as alone as he felt at that very moment? High above everyone else, isolated…a fugitive from the noisy commotion of life.
How much easier would his life be without having to run and hide, without having to second-guess and distrust everyone he met on this journey? Suddenly, he became aware of the immense fatigue weighing him down. If he returned to the noise and the lights below, the craziness would once again set in and swallow him whole. He was so safe up here- and it was peaceful.
If it was this peaceful so close to the stars, how immensely more serene would existence be on another plane?
Who really missed him down below? Sure, the kids waited for him, but they were so young, and their lives were wide open. Was he being fair to them, keeping them on the run with him? If he was gone, if they were with someone else, his mother maybe, would they not finally have that normal life he always had craved but had no idea how to build?
And Lisa…
How long had she struggled to create an existence, only to be pulled back to him. For what? To have her high hopes crushed by a cunning lie and a drugged out accusation? Suddenly, his mind seemed as clear as the night sky above: the people he loved the most could not live a free existence as long as he weighed them down like an anchor of doom. His mother…all she ever did was worry. She had aged in the past years, and many nights he had wrestled with fears of her not surviving the trial. Sure, she would miss him, would be sad- but she’d knew they’d meet again, either on earth on in heaven. Where pain and agony did not even have names.
What the hell are you thinking? You won’t just keel over and die, Mike. You’re not that lucky…
His fingers gripped the railing.
No, that was true.
But he had a choice. Right here, right in this place, he finally had a viable choice. All he had to do was climb this silly iron contraption, separating him from real freedom. Life was a prison. Maybe in death he’d be free from this immense grief and daily agony.
Have you lost your mind? You cannot possibly be thinking… Not even you are that selfish.
The sound of sudden laughter startled him. Of course, no one around. His own voice sounded so foreign. It was funny, though. How many time had Lisa called him selfish? And he had been horrified. After everything he did for the children of the world, for the poor, for the impoverished and underprivileged…how dared she hurl those words at him?
What an idiot he had been. Of course she had not meant his humanitarian efforts. She had meant, Michael, the man, in relationship to her, the woman. He had not seen himself as withholding from her, had only continued to do what he was used to doing: dedicating himself to his art and his fans. While she waited, and cried…and ranted…and finally bucked and protested.
But no, right now he was not being selfish. Sure, flying off into oblivion would finally end the pain gnawing on him like rats on the decaying corpse that was sadly still alive, but it would also finally allow his loved ones to fly like white pigeons from the gilded cage into the splendor of life.
It would be so easy. The railing was nothing. Good thing some places on Earth were not overtaken by fears of lawsuits.
The pain suddenly returned and pierced the armor of serenity. A heavenly preview of what he was going to escape? Or a hellish temptation, inviting him to slide down to the pits of hades for that was where he was heading.
No, what about free will? Sure there was a command against killing – which one could argue included suicide. But after all, God had given everyone the power to decide. So, what if the torture became too unbearable?
Mike, man, you don’t have cancer. You fucked up and listened to a jealous woman and played into the hands of an old obsessed ‘friend’ who in misguided efforts to help you out drugged you back into scrambled eggs land. Your brain is still messed up- snap out of it, brother!
Was that it? Or was his desperation finally overcoming his love for everyone else. Love that had always guided him. Love that had blinded him. A selfish kind of love…just like he had sung about. Nothing more to lose. That was it- he had lost it all- no, had thrown it all away.
Right here, right now, with the stars above and the glitter below, the perfect escape route was laid out.
He lifted up over the railing and closed his eyes.
Suddenly, different images appeared. The crowd outside the court house. A woman in tears, screaming, releasing doves, one by one as each count was read. People crying, hugging, laughing, screaming. Back then, it had all seemed like a weird dream. He had been too overwhelmed, too empty to care.
Another image appeared. The crowd multiplied by hundred, crying, hugging- the intense sadness thick in the air.
That’s it- that’s what it would be like. With you gone. Don’t you think your death would make a difference? Don’t you think it would rip those who love you to shreds?
And what about God? You are not exempt from his laws- no matter how he has blessed you. You are bound by the same commands, the same restraints. You think you can’t take it? Well, tough. Because, obviously, He thinks you can.
You wanna do this? You wanna commit this sin? Condemn your children, your mother, and Lisa to a life of unresolved grief and anger about this ultimate act of selfishness? You go right ahead. Jump,- go ahead. But do not kid yourself into thinking that doing so will prove your strength, because it will only achieve to make your weakness oh so visible.
He must have pushed back from the iron bar. The feeling was akin to resurfacing after a long dive. His eyes opened and he gasped for air. Air filled his lungs and he felt like screaming.
A scream of pain and hope- protest and affirmation, his arms flung out to the side, his back arched up, release of pent up energy flung at the full moon, as tears streamed down his face.
The impact with another person took him by surprise. He turned with a start and stared into the startled face of Karim who had somehow appeared behind him.
“Sir, are you ok? What was going on up here? I stepped out of the elevator and heard you screaming…are you ok? Mike, say something.”
Disoriented, he continued to stare at Karim who held something in his hand.
The something emitted a glinting spark when the man held it up to his head.
A phone, of course. He had left his phone in the car earlier, not wanting to be disturbed.
“What? Yes, I found him. I’m not sure. Yes, I heard it, too. He seems ok- hasn’t said much yet, hold on.”
Michael blinked and awareness ripped through him.
Oh God. He almost had done it. He almost had lost his mind. What the hell had he been thinking? How in the world…? How far had he sunken- to consider, seriously consider, and coming dangerously close to taking his own life. Heaven help him…
Karim’s voice again.
“Mike, are you ok? If you don’t say something, I’m gonna call for an ambulance. I know you won’t like the attention, but tough- you look like you’re in shock. What the hell happened?”
“How are you gonna call the ambulance when you’re obviously on a call?”
Where had that come from? And why did it matter?
Karim mumbled an ‘ok’ into the phone and held the phone out to Michael.
Michael wiped his forehead and realized he had sweated through his clothes. When his hand reached out, his fingers trembled so badly, he had to use his other hand to steady himself.
Before he took the phone, he looked over at Karim with the question obvious on his face. Words still did not come easy.
“She insisted to talk to you once I told her where you were.”
She?
He snatched the phone.
“Lisa?” His voice sounded as if he had just run a marathon.
Dared he hope? No, it could not possibly be Lisa. Why would God reward his cowardice by sending him the one person he longed for right now?
“What the hell are you doing? I want you to go with Karim right now, do you hear me. Get your ass off that building. Now, Michael, I am dead serious.”
His heart took a leap. She sounded pissed as hell. But, hey, she was speaking to him. That was a surprise.
Yeah, you would have missed that surprise had you decorated the side walk below.
Willing the voice inside to shut up, he swallowed.
“Lisa, I tried to call you earlier. I have to talk to you…”
“You have to talk to me so you’re hanging out on like the tallest building in the whole city in the middle of the night? I won’t talk to you unless you follow Karim downstairs, don't test me- I mean it.”
Her bitchy, commanding tone was the most beautiful music he had heard in ages. A chorus of angels could not compete.
“How do you know his name?”
Karim took his elbow and Michael followed him toward the glass door.
“I asked him. Life is so simple at times, Michael. That’s what people do. You wanna know something- you ask. Get your ass in motion. Not another word till you are down in your car.”
What did she sound so panicked about? She could not possibly have any idea of the fight within him in those past minutes. Could she?
“You know, we’ll probably lose connection in the elevator.”
“I’ll take that chance. Get downstairs, Michael.”
Minutes later he was in the car. By some miracle, she was still on the phone, asking him to let her talk to Karim before she would say another word.
What the heck was all this about? Who made her the boss of his phone? Well, he was dead-tired suddenly, and not the least bit in the mood to fight her.
“Ok, he’s taking you home. He seems to really like you- heaven knows why.”
“What are you talking about- he works for me. Of course he likes me. People I pay always like me."
“Why did you call Riley earlier?”
The time for small-talk was obviously over.
His hand ran through his hair.
“Oh God, I don’t even know where to start.”
“'I’m sorry,' would be good. Not that that will get you out of the hot water- no, make that boiling kettle of oil- but I assume you called ‘cause you finally somehow got your head out of your ass. Either that or you ran out of drugs and were hallucinating.”
Her words were cold. Her tone gave him chills. But she was talking to him. Anything was better than silence.
“I know- oh God, I am so sorry, Lisa. I, I found out that you didn’t…I mean…that what I said…that it was a lie.”
“You found out that I did not have an abortion as that bitch told you? How wonderful.”
“I know you must be so upset. So unbelievably mad.”
“Mad? You don’t know shit- and I’m not getting into this over the phone. I had hoped to kick your ass in person and I still am very much looking forward to it. But it seems you are as unreliable as always…”
As expected she was upset. What was she talking about? Where was she?
“Lisa…oh God, you don’t know what I did..what I almost did… On top of everything else.”
The tears could not be helped and he sank into the seat. A sob rose from deep within his chest before he could suppress it.
Silence.
“Michael. I have a pretty damn good idea. You’re not well. We’ll talk about it later.”
“You must hate me. I don’t blame you. I hate myself.” His voice was devoid of any emotion- it was barely more than a whisper.
“Why don’t you let me decide how I feel about you? Stop feeling sorry for yourself. I am pissed as hell, I can tell you that. I am so angry you took that skank’s word- and without even asking me. And I am furious you put yourself in a situation to have Grace suck you dry again- and I hope to God I don’t come close to any literal meaning…”
Somehow her words made him smile. If she was jealous she must still care, right? And if she cared there was hope. He could deal with her anger and her disappointment- the one thing he could not deal with right now was not having her in his life. Her very voice was the lifeline to his own oxygen supply.
“Lisa… I needed you tonight. And you were there.”
Unbelievable. Unlikely. And yet true.
“You’re fucking lucky I am not a hateful bitch. Just an angry one for now. And don’t confuse my concern for you for anything else.”
“I’m not…Please…please…don’t hang up- I don’t care what you say. You can call me names and curse and bitch as much as you want, just don’t let go…”
“How kind of you to give me permission to bitch. Michael- promise me, promise- swear on your children's life and on the life of your mother that you will not do anything stupid tonight. I will stay on the phone with you. I…I’ve been where you are. I have travelled those paths straight into hell. And as much as I wanna punch you right now, I will not get off that phone until you tell me it’s ok.”
The car pulled up outside the residence. He walked inside, finding it difficult to put one leg infront of the other, yet he checked on the kids, while she stayed on the phone.
As promised, she stayed on the line for hours. At one point, he fell asleep, but when he woke up, the line was still connected, and when he called out her name, her very sleepy voice answered.
They talked about everything but the reason for his melt down- that had to be tackled in person. To his utter surprise Lisa announced she was in London, at the very hotel he had planned on staying. The hotel he should have been at three days ago.
When he woke up the second time, the line was dead. The battery had run out. Which was fine. Some things had to be handled in person. Driven by a new sense of urgency he bounded out if bed and burst into frantic action.
Several hours later he knocked on a door, after having made sure the children were comfortable in their suite.
Nervous and shaky he shifted his weight from one leg to the other while waiting for the door to open.
When it did, a pair of very surprised blue eyes greeted him.
They stared at each other. She looked smaller- but gorgeous.
And angry.
Leaning against the frame, Lisa took a deep breath, uttered, “Unbe-fucking-lievable,” and slammed the door back in his face.
Well, there was definitely room for improvement.
(to be continued)
©2011 Erika B Michaels. All Rights Reserved. This story is a work of fiction. Any names, places, and other identifying features are used in a fictional manner, for entertainment purposes only, and are in no way representative of actual events. This work may not be reproduced, copied, transmitted, or stored without expressed written permission by Erika B Michaels. All photos and images, mentioned songs or song titles are copyright their creators.
The Difference is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License
