Afterlife- Chapter 17

17 

England, January 2010

“This isn’t going to work, is it?”  Lisa was well aware her voice had startled him, but she had to give him props, as he tried to stay still.  Not look quite as caught. And yet, she knew him so very well.

If you could know the nature of mercury…

No, she needed to stop shortchanging herself. She did.  Maybe not always with her head. But her heart had a deeper understanding altogether.

So, she knew Michael well enough to understand he was trying. He really was.  And well enough to know he was failing despite his best effort.  Because, it was his head trying. While his heart struggled to keep his love for her on life support. Or so it seemed, anyway. 

“What?” Michael slowly turned, his body trying to hide the object that had just seconds before been in his hand.  His face was composed. The beautiful, frozen mask.  "What's not working?" 

What indeed. What was this shit?  A truce? A new start? A long goodbye? A slow death with cancerous growth excavating what was left of their hearts?

This past month and a half had been… Again, she couldn't decide how to name the continuous exploration of the purgatory she had been sent to.  Like a child to her room.  And still…after it was clear that Philipps had gotten to Michael at least partly with his lies, he had surprised her and had not frozen her out.   No, he said he hated it, but he knew she wanted to help.  Catching a glimpse of him studying her too many times, his face lost in thought, she often doubted his understanding.  But Michael was not totally changed. He still hated conflict.  He hated continuous back and forth unless he chose to enter the ring first. And so they tried to move on.  As the trap full of unsaid words hung over them, waiting to crush them at any moment.

 After that night they hadn't talked about things too much. Michael wanted to move on. Or so he said.  Christmas came and went and was a nightmare with her trying to be cheerful, tearing herself into pieces running between what felt like her three families. Four if one counted her mother.  Who for some reason had been oddly quiet and non-argumentative.  So one would think things were just peachy.  Like hell! Lisa had been in some constant state of repenting that was starting to piss her off. And still...it had only been a very short time in the grand scheme of things. Or, to be more exact, forty two days and ten hours. The count on minutes was getting fuzzy. And her knees were starting to get sore from all the groveling before his altar of righteous indignation. 

“You were checking my phone.”  She sat down and kicked off her riding boots. Her toes were frozen despite the thick socks. Bright idea to take the horse out just when the temperature dipped below freezing. But hey, no snow yet. And she loved how the shock of the icy cold air cleared all the cobwebs from her tired brain.

Michael, still wrapped in his bubble coat and no doubt ten layers, of clothing gave her that look. The one that immediately made her feel guilty. As if she had no right to be engaging  in some frivolous activity. Because a traitor like her deserved no fun. No reprieve... Unless he somehow doubted her get-up…didn’t believe she had been out for a ride at all.  Thought…what exactly? She was out fucking Father Frost? Or conspiring with him to keep Michael wrapped in eternal winter, given she knew he hated the cold. Fuck! She was getting so tired always having to wonder what his examining eyes were trying to pry loose that time! It felt as if she had donated herself to science for the greater good of humanity, but now was getting weary of being dissected alive. 

“So, now you think I’m spying on you?” His raised eyebrow and tone conveyed that she was being ridiculous. That her brain had not read all the nonverbal signals correctly. Fat chance! 

“No. I don’t think you’re spying.”  The exasperated sigh did not escape either of them.  She knew he wasn’t spying. That would be too complicated.  The truth was much simpler.  He did not trust her.  Despite his best effort.  Despite his professions to understand.  When push came to shove, he had to take a little peek to see whom she had been communicating with. Or conspiring, as he no doubt framed it. 

He said he needed time.  What he really needed was…

Lisa swallowed. The truth burned and choked her. Oh, old familiar poison! 

For a moment she called on herself to be brave and at least finish the thought.  For once.  Usually she didn’t even make it that far: 

What he really needs is the same bitter medicine you thought was in order years before. He needs to move on without you.

The very ghost of an idea caused her to tremble and feel nauseous.  Pain of what that medicine would mean stopped her heart and took her breath. How addicted are you if the thought of your drug being gone causes instant withdrawal? 

His eyes narrowed. “What? Was this a test?  You left the phone out to see what would happen?”

Yes, Michael. It’s all just a test.  A test I keep failing.  

A test with rules that changed by the minute.  Rules only he knew.  Because he came up with them faster than she could begin to disappoint him. He anticipated the next disaster and retrieved into the bunker before she even thought about releasing the atomic missiles. 

“Yeah, I leave it out just for you to come in and snoop. And I planned to be out riding and then to come in just when you show up.  For real? How was I supposed to know you’re coming by?  I thought you were busy all week?” After all, following his Christmas break, rehearsals were back on.  The show must go on.  

“Did you hope I was busy all week?  Didn't your partner fax my schedule over?”

Lisa took a deep breath. Patience… It would get her nowhere to let him goad her into a stupid argument she’d regret later.  

“Please don’t do that. You wanted me to stay in this.  I told you I’d pull out if that’s what you needed. But you suddenly wanted me to stay in with him.  This was your choice, Michael, not mine!”

“Like I'd want our big, fancy investor to pull out before can tread water and give Phillips the satisfaction of failing? Plus...You can’t really call stuff a choice if it’s shit that happens after you find out other people made choices for you. It’s making the best out of a messed up situation. It was a business decision. I get business.”  

He didn't get shit! That look again. The accusation: You took control. You entered into a deal with the man I despise. You were deceptive.

“What you don’t get is you still don’t understand it was never about business for me. The investment didn’t matter.  You mattered! Your fucking life mattered! Having them not kill you mattered.”

So much for patience.

“No, they didn’t kill me.”

Your actions did.  

She heard the unspoken chorus loud and clearly.

“But I did? What I did was so fucking horrible?  Would you not do the same for me?  Would you not move heaven and hell if you knew someone was out to bury me and there was something you could do?….Or at least… Wouldn’t you have done that at some point?”  

When you still loved me?  When you looked at me as if you never wanted to stop looking?  When I was your forever?  You know, about an hour after you decided you hated me?

“I would’t try and make decisions over your head. I would respect you more than that.”

“Funny, how it was a different story altogether when we had a similar discussion about my Dad’s songs.”

Michael shook his head and ran his hand through his hair.  “No, it was not similar. That was about business.  And I had not been deceiving you.”

“You omitted the truth.”

“Well, you got even then, didn’t y’a?  Finally. Bravo to you, Lisa!”  Michael clapped.

Lisa’s fingers itched with the need to slap the living daylights out of him. 

In the old days, she would have been screaming at him by now.  But no, these were not the old days.  This was so much worse. 

Lisa simply held his gaze.  She hoped he read everything she would not say in that silent exchange. His certainly spoke volumes.  There was still that intense pain, stealing her breath.  She also read of his effort to make it work, to overcome the demons eating him alive.  A valiant battle.  One he was losing.  It broke her heart because here he was.  He was all she had ever wanted. And in an effort to save him she had condemned him to hell again. 

Michael folded first.  Lisa felt him take the deep breath more than she saw it happen.  The effort to breathe. The effort to trust. The effort to love.  He gave it his best.  And the horrible truth was that it was not enough.  Nothing she could blame him for.  Still, the reality that he seemed to have lost hope so completely weighed her down more and more every day. 

And there was another reality seeping in more and more:

They weren’t going to make it.  

The question was, who would be strong enough to name the unspoken first?

For now, they both retreated to their neutral corners.

Michael cleared his throat.  Obviously, he felt just a tad bit silly about his little outburst as well. “Anyway.  We were done with rehearsals early.  So…. And the kids, they were still busy with their lessons…so I…you know…”

Yes, she knew.  He couldn’t stay away.  And it killed him to be close. Man, did she ever understand that particular conundrum. 

She noticed the faint chime of his phone as a text came in.  He went to check and immediately a smile played around his lips.  That kind that used to be reserved only for her.

Michael looked up at her and put the phone away.  Lisa was not going to give into temptation and ask.

“Have you eaten?”  Lisa turned, no longer being able to look at him trying to hide his eyes.

“I guess… I mean…yeah…earlier.”   

She nodded.  Should she ask more?  Should she trust he was taking care of himself?  He looked thinner again.  She hadn’t seen him in three days, and he seemed to have lost weight.  They had spoken…on the phone like polite strangers. Was it appropriate to worry?   If she showed worry, would he take it as her overstepping again?  And what if she didn’t? Would he think she didn’t care?

The tightrope beneath her stumbling feet swayed dangerously.  The long way down rendered her dizzy.  The light before her grew dimmer and dimmer, making whatever her next step was to be a leap of faith into the abyss.  If she held him too tightly she might crush him.  If she didn’t hold tight enough he could fall from her grasp. Damn if she did, damn if she didn’t. Her guiding motto for the past weeks. 

What had he said that night?  She needed to let him breathe.  She needed to trust him…trust him with his life.  Trust him with being an adult.  A free person- not some half dead prisoner.  An escaped slave. Some survivor with his body alive and all his limbs amputated. 

Those were some of the demands he had made. That night… After.  After her world had exploded. After Michael had laid out Lockwood and then stormed out of her house without another world, After she had chased him down, following some irrational hunch and he unleashed all that energy at her.  The bottled up genie had been set free.  With tears streaming down his face, he had accused her of controlling him.  Of exploiting him.  Betraying him. He had been beyond hurt.  And, by the time she had found him, he also had been three sheets into the wind drunk.  Or something.  

Alcohol certainly was part of his altered state.  For a moment she hoped he hadn’t been driving like that, then she noticed a bottle of wine by the tree.  Guess he had stopped by the wine cellar first.  

His voice had been cracking as he stoned her with the irrational, jagged verbal boulders born from insecurity and pain.  It was not the time to defend her actions.  That would come later.  For now, she had to take it.  Her punishment for going behind his back was to be there for him as he screamed his anguish into the night.  She owed him that much.  She always had known he would not take this lightly.  It was a price she thought she had been ready to pay.  

Yes, the words were hurtful. He told her she disgusted him. Had called her a money hungry whore who used her body to rob him of his power.  Beguiling him like Delilah had Samson, cutting off his control like the warrior’s locks.  He called her a temptress sent by Satan to deliver him to his enemies… And he went on like that for what seemed like hours until he barely had any voice left and he stumbled against the tree, crying, sobbing, broken. Yes, the words had been missiles.  And still what had ripped her apart from the inside out were not his words.  It was what she saw in his eyes. Despite the darkness. Or maybe it was because of it. The lack of light illuminated his broken soul.  She thought her love would be able to mend him.  As she stood there, the target for his agony, she questioned if enough love existed in the world to accomplish that feat. For the first time she realized what had been done to him.  His outburst started with the anger at her, but it contained the world of hurt and abuse this man had endured by the world he could never fully understand. He had been light and love.  And somehow he had been sent into a world full of hatred and envy.  What an unfair fight. And yet, he was still fighting.

Crying herself, she had finally been crushed by the weight of the day. Had sunken to the ground, sitting against the same tree, waiting for him to calm down.  Standing by to make sure he was okay.  His welfare had absolute priority over her own emotional state of emergency. She was upset and had been turned inside out. But Michael…Michael was destroyed on a whole different level.  Or maybe he simply allowed her to see the full extend of his wounds that never had healed.  Only been wrapped in tissue paper.  

After his voice failed him, the sounds of his tears and sobs hurt even worse. He also was on the ground. Both knocked out.  Both hanging on by a thread. They sat there in the darkness for what felt like hours.  Eventually Lisa noticed that all she heard were the sounds of the night around them.  Part of her mind was amazed no animals had decided to check them out yet. She knew full well that the area was full of mountain lions.

“How did you find me?”

His voice scared her more than any mountain lion would have managed.  It was…calm. Flat. Empty.

“I’m not sure.  I just drove.  Something told me you’d be here.”  At first she had panicked when she could not spot his car after he lost her in traffic, driving even more erratic than was the norm for him. Not knowing what else to do, she headed up the freeway, telling herself she had to turn back. And knowing she was too far gone. She had checked in with Katherine to make sure his kids were okay, and had shared her hunch.  

“Well, I know he had gotten two  guest cottages ready, because the kids wanted to go up there and he finally had given in.  So, it’s possible.even though I hope he didn’t dive all that way. Not as upset as he was… “

Lisa was pretty sure the only reason he did drive all that way was exactly because he wasn't thinking straight. 

Katherine had called ahead to make sure Lisa would be able to drive onto the Ranch. If he was even there. Because if she was wrong, she not only had absolutely no clue where he could be, but she also was stuck in bum-fucked nowhere.  Even though it was comforting to know she could sleep in a guest cottage at least. As if she would be able to sleep not knowing where his crazy ass was, though!

Why….why would he go there, you fucking lunatic?  He professed to hate the place.  

But it all made some sort of cosmic sense.  Neverland used to be his refuge and his sanctuary. And he felt it had been soiled and destroyed. As if the land itself had betrayed him. Logically, he was told that Sneddon would never leave him be if he stayed, so he left.  But emotionally, it was about so much more.  He could not stay, even if Sneddon suddenly had rolled out the welcome mat in the county. And so, she, the woman whom he saw as his sanctuary and had betrayed him in his eyes, found him in the most unlikely place on earth. His paradise lost.  Their paradise lost…

His next words, whispered in a choked voice confirmed her suspicion. “Just another thing I lost…Another thing I thought was certain. Till they took it…they take everything…why can’t they just let me be?  Why?”

She started to say he had not lost it yet.  If ‘it” indeed meant Neverland.   Actually, she knew he was starting to climb out from under the financial control of others thanks to the renewed interest in his music, his work, and of course the shows. And that if things stayed as they were,  he would get it all back.  But those were rational words.  And this was not a rational night.

More silence.

“You know what tree this is?”

Tasting a tear she did not notice had escaped, she smiled.  Yes, she knew.  Lisa nodded.  Knowing he could not see her.  And yet knowing he could feel it just fine.

The tree he had pulled her against and had kissed her.  Their first kiss.  His passion had surprised her and stolen her breath. Because her heart was already his. 

“Do you ever think back there?  To this …this other place?”

“This other time, you mean?”

“No...not just another time.  I think of us back then and it’s like it was all happening to people on this other planet.”

Again, there was nothing to add.  A planet where despite her being married to someone else and he about to face a horrible ordeal, things seemed simple.  The world might have been complicated. But they had each other.  And love. And hope.  Above all, that. 

“I know why you did it, you know…”

The tears started to flow again. Just when she thought he couldn’t surprise her anymore. He understood?  Then…what were they doing here? 

“Michael…I….you gotta believe….”

I was so scared to lose you.  I wanted to protect you. I would have done everything to keep you safe. 

For some reason the words never saw the light of day. Not now. Not while they seemed so absolutely hollow.  

“He set you up, didn’t he? That dirty, inhumane…that monster…”

That was a pretty kind description of Phillips, actually. That fucking son of a bitch sure had set her up.  God, and she had been such a fucking idiot to fall for it. And when she finally figured it out, it had been too late.  Why had she not see this coming? Had she been flying too high?  Only watched out for shit Deb was throwing their way?  Had been distracted by Lockwood and his tantrum? Michael had told her! He told her that man was a scumbag.  That man had slapped him! Had abused him! How in the fuck had Lisa thought he wasn’t going to try and fuck her over if he had treated Michael like that?

She nodded again. Wiping her tears.  The latest crop was born from anger. At herself. At Phillips.  At the whole fucking situation.  

“I done told you…”

“I know…. But I thought…I wanted…I hoped…”

“It was you, wasn’t it?  Why they gave me more time. Why the tour was shortened.  Why he backed off bitching ‘bout the money and time a wasting? It wasn’t cause he suddenly respected me more.  It was cause my woman threw money at him.  Yeah, he probably laughed his ass off ‘bout that one… Respect, indeed. And now everyone knows...I went from being a predator to a laughing stock. Talk about a trade-off. Maybe I should be grateful...” Michael scoffed.  

Oh yeah- there was hurt pride there, alright.  And foolish pride would have killed him had she not taken matters into her own hands! Maybe if Michael would reign that inner macho-man in at times he would see that there was nothing wrong with a woman stepping up to help the man she loved.  As a matter of fact, women mostly saved their men’s asses.  Only, the so called stronger members of the human race barely ever noticed. 

“Michael, who cares what people think? What this excuse for a human being thinks?  He would never understand someone doing something from love. I wanted them to give you space…so you could…breathe…”

“You didn’t think I could do it.” Finally, his voice had some tone again.  The whispered statement like that of a child let down by overbearing parents who didn't let him ride the bike without training wheels. 

With a barely contained sob, he continued, “ You knew I’d fail.  Hell, I don’t blame you.  There were days I was rehearsing, days before…before…the accident…. When I knew I would fail.  I’d fail and they all see.  Everyone would see…” 

This was so damn frustrating! She wanted to scream as he obviously still didn't get it. “No, I didn’t think you’d fail.  But I knew what they were driving you to do was not possible. And I knew you’d be freaking out. They almost killed you.  I wasn’t gonna let them hurt you again.”

The sudden sarcastic, almost hysterical laughter slicing through the night made her skin crawl.

“Yeah, that worked well.”

“I know you think I hurt you this time…I get that. I know you’re angry.  You got every right.”

“That’s nice, Lisa Marie.  Nice you granting me that right.”  

Good. Guess she could stop worrying about his broken spirit. When bastard- mode kicked in, he was alive and well, indeed. 

“I don’t think we should talk about it more tonight.”  She was starting to feel clammy and cold. Nerves were finally failing and she felt the inner trembling take hold on the outside as well.  She wrapped her arms around herself, willing her body to warm up. Damn! Why had she not brought a jacket? 

Silence.  That could mean anything.  Maybe he agreed. Maybe he just simply chose to ignore her.

“Why did you come after me?”  His voice was closer, which startled her.  She had not noticed he had gotten up and was standing above her, leaning against the tree, looking down. 

“Cause I wanted to sit under a god-damn tree in the middle of the night being bait for pumas and being verbally abused by you.”

“What the fuck? I’m abusing you? And….Don’t curse like that out here.”

Her turn to break down laughing.  

“Oh, I’m sorry.  I forgot it was only your right to curse. And to act like an escaped mental patient. To kick down the studio door…to attack people.”

She still was in absolute shock over what had happened when Michael came flying through that studio door earlier.  She had seem him mad before…but never in such physical way.  His slight frame seemed huge. And he was so damn fast! Lockwood never saw him coming. And as mad as she had been at her soon to be ex the previous day, he had come by to apologize.  Seemed he had seen the light after sobering up. And hopefully after having obtained a dose of antibiotics.  He also had seen the paper, of course. And filled her in that he had been contacted by Miss Deb Rowe, the vicious cow! So yeah- he was back to being the friend she had known for all those years.  She was a mess and Lockwood was just trying to help. And then…then Michael had literally taken him down like a missile.  Had she not been so stunned,  the cartoonish nature of the event would have made her crack up.  

“I didn’t attack people.I attacked…him. He had no fucking right.  Putting his hands on you after all the shit he just done pulled. People need to stop fucking with me. With my head. My business. My wife…I mean… He was touching you!  And…I mean….Lisa hell! First I’m told you’re getting rich of my ass, and are trying to run my life. Then…the papers…Deb and her threats…everything was a lie…Ben said you weren’t by yourself…I just snapped.”

“Yeah- you’re the only victim here.  Not like I was hung out to dry. Publicly. By your deranged ex, no doubt. They’re driving us apart and you’re letting them. You’re letting them do what you always said I’m doing… And then you think…what did you think? That I was getting all touchy-feely with him…while I knew you were out hurting?”

The very thought managed to infuse her with some fight again.  Yes, Michael was hurting. But that did not give him the universal right to doubt her so completely. 

Michael did not answer.  The sudden fury lit a fire under her ass, causing her to jump up despite being barely able to feel her legs. Damn, she was getting too old to be having powwows in the middle of the night under trees. 

“For a second you believed the paper, didn’t you? Didn’t you, Michael?  That I wanna go back to Lockwood.  You go on and on about betrayal, and yet you believed it. You thought I was involved in some scheme to …to what exactly? Get rich of your tour? How does that even fucking make sense?  I don’t need your god damn money!”

More silence.  An owl screeched somewhere close by.

“Michael, did you hear me?” 

“Did you know that when you hear an owl it means someone is dying?”  His eyes searched the night sky.

Yeah, if he kept up his shit, the stupid owl might just be right on the money.  

“The only thing dying is your common sense. What the fuck?  I asked you to wait and talk to me!   If you knew Phillips has been setting me up, why couldn’t you at least do that? No, you gotta do things your fucking way!  Well….” She got closer and poked a finger into his chest, “Let me tell you something buster! Your way don’t make a lick of sense! You burst into the house, you attack Lockwood- who -thank you very much- had come by to apologize, and then you run off, driving like a drunk stuntman.  You drive out to here? To Neverland? And what? You go raid the cellar and decide to have a liquid picnic? Lucky you're so damn scrawny or some critter would have eaten you and I’d find your steaming carcass…”  

Michael made a face and captured her wrist.  “Steaming carcass?  Gross! And don’t you be poking me, Missy. Not after all the other shit you done did…”

Lisa almost had to laugh at his choice of horrible grammar. Mr Sophisticated and Educated was running on empty  seemed like. Her gaze fell at his hand.  She noticed there was barely dry blood on his knuckles.  Oh Jesus! What had he done to his beautiful hands?

He drove the two hours from LA… Oh Michael… She inspected the other hand that also looked raw and swollen. Seemed Michael had started his punching lesson with Lockwood and then probably lost it some more out here…

Catching her thoughts, he tried to take his hand away. “It’s nothing…I bet he looks worse…Good thing I couldn’t mess up too much there.”

Well, yeah…he sort of did.  Michael did not just lay one punch.  Lisa, and Ben, who also had come running, had to pull him off Lockwood.  Last she saw Lockwood his eye was starting to swell shut and there was a nasty gash on his lip.  God, what a fucking mess today was! Now that one was probably all bent out of whack again making all his talk about peace and easy separation iffy. Well, she couldn't worry about that now. One crisis at a time. 

“Let me look at that…Are you sure it’s not broken?”

“I opened the bottle just fine…so I doubt it.”

“Was that before or after you punched the tree?”

“That tree had it coming…it looked at me funny…”

“You’re hilarious. Let’s get this taken care of…”

Michael had agreed to let Lisa take him to the guest cottage to clean up his hands.  That was after he insisted they stop to get another bottle of wine. For the pain.  Lisa told him to get one for her.

Michael was sitting on the edge of one of the tubs in the guest cottage as Lisa tried to pick splinters out of his mess of a hand. 

“Ouch! Woman! Haven’t you done enough? You gotta torture me now?”

“Please…no one had you punching a fucking tree.”

“Told you you should have married a real boy.”

Lisa looked up, trying hard not to laugh.  Man…after everything today had been…how could he still joke. Well, probably the amount of more wine didn’t hurt.  Actually, from the weird way his pupils looked and from the way his speech was slightly off, she suspected not much should hurt right now. But hey- tonight he had earned all the escapes he could get.  He’d been through the ringer. Probably even much more than she could comprehend. Even though the injury she was currently treating was totally his own fault.

“Of course, if  he had real wood maybe you would have stayed put… OUCH!”

Oh, had she hurt him?  So sorry!

“Hold still, will y’a? Or you’ll be wearing two gloves from now on the stop scaring women and children with those zombie hands.”

“Pinocchio…get it?  Hey…he does kind of look like some versions of him. And he lied…he probably worked with Deb, I bet you.  I bet they’re in it together..trying to make me hurt…”

“Yes, everyone is out to get you.”  Never mind, she had been hurt just a tad bit here, too.

Lisa poured some rubbing alcohol over his hand.

“Ouch! Watch it!” He attempted to pull his hand back but she tightened her grip. He was such a baby!

“You better be glad those first aid kits are still full.”

“Guess they didn’t raid those. - I mean hey, maybe I used bandaids to restrain my victims and used antibiotic ointment to…”

“Stop it. You’re not funny.” What was it with him?  Did Neverland bring all this back out? Maybe he was right to stay the hell away.

He scoffed. “Yeah. Not funny…damn skippy!”

“Fuck, Michael. You might need stitches on this one.  What the hell?”

“Didn’t hurt…you know. Not like…like when I heard him saying those things to you. When I started to understand he wasn’t lying… Cause you know, I didn’t believe it at first… I did have faith…I did. Thats why…it broke my heart…I trusted you…” his voice trailed off.

Lisa swallowed hard.  Gosh, she glanced over at her glass of wine.  She couldn't do this this close to sober. 

“Michael, he was lying. Nothing went down the way he made it out.  And he trapped me. He set both of us up, don’t you see? They’re trying to divide us. They know you’re easier to control when you’re a mess.”  Shit! She had not meant to say that. 

“Well, maybe, just maybe you gave him the ammunition he needed. If you had told me. If you had just not gone behind my back.”

“Fucking hell! I did ask you way back! I asked you if you needed help. And you and your stubborn, idiotic pride blew me off. You were drowning, Mike! I tried to throw you a life vest and you refused to reach for it! You and your damn pride!”

“Well, maybe, Miss Savior, maybe that’s all I got left! Maybe they took everything else. And you weren't there before, were you? Not when I needed you then! They took you. You chose him because…” Michael bit his lip.

What was he saying? Or trying with the last bit of his brain not to say.

“I chose him because I needed to stop dying.  Loving you was killing me! And you- you made it clear you were moving on! That’s why I chose him. I chose peace - and I chose sanity. What the fuck else are you talking about?”

“Well, maybe, maybe I had to wonder, you know?  Maybe you believed it…the lies…”

His words took all wind out of her sails.

“Michael….” She was stunned. After everything they had been through in the past, had he really thought she believed all those horrific lies?  That she would have allowed him around her children if she thought he could do…that?  “Michael, no… I never….”

Michael looked up from his curtain of hair.  His eyes were an open wound swimming in tears. “You never wondered…. if I did touch them?  If I did those things…molested them? If I hurt those children in the most horrible way…if I forced them to…to….” His voice was choked by his tears as he turned his head, squeezed his eyes shut. Tears still pouring down his face.

Oh God! Had he really doubted her to that extent?  Then again, why not? Everyone, but a select few had left.  Joe Blow American was having a field day reading and watching all about the Pervert portrayed by the media.  Late-night shows did not have to search far for an easy joke.  Everyone betrayed him.  And worst of all: children had betrayed him.  There was no safety.  He was found not-guilty, but his safety had never been restored with his passport.  He was a fugitive.  Running from his home, his country, his family, and from his audience.  

And when he returned, it was not out of his free will. He was forced. It was that or total ruin. He had told her about the threats. That he would lose everything. Maybe even the children. How does a man forced into such a small corner learn to trust? And when he does, and it’s ripped from him, how does he stem the gushing flow of blood?

Lisa touched his face and he flinched.  It broke her heart. 

“Michael, look at me…”

His eyes shut tighter.  She noticed the tightness in his jaw. Saw him swallowing hard.  His chest still heaving.

Lisa put down the ointment and framed his face with both hands, sinking to her knees before his slumped down form.

“Michael…” she whispered and he finally blinked, a tear escaping.  His lips tightened as he looked at her.

“Never…you hear me. If you don’t believe anything, believe this; I never, ever thought you were capable of doing anything like they described to any child.  I mean, dude… I had you around my children.  I wanted to have our own babies.  I watched you put Ben and Ri to Bed, watched you rock them, watched you roll around with them, tickling them… You really think I’d have done all that had I even had one iota of doubt?  I know you wouldn’t hurt a child. Not like that… I was angry cause you were being a stubborn idiot. You kept trusting the wrong people, and you gave people ammunition. I could have slapped you for even allowing yourself anywhere near those fucked up Arvizos- or anyone like them because I knew, I knew full damn well someone was gonna swoop in.  And you- you were all - ‘No Lisa You’re paranoid. It’s all puppy dogs and rainbows and all children are good.’ and shit like that.  I was angry at you…so furious.  But no. I never, not at my worst, did I believe you would abuse or molest a child. Please…you gotta see that…”

Michael stared into space.  She was not sure if he had heard her.  She was not sure he was even looking at her or at some horrible ghosts always surrounding him. There was something so lost and broken in his expression. Then he blinked and cleared his throat.  The trance was broken. Or he chose to soldier on.

“I’m sorry I called you…you know….” He could not look her in the eyes. Oh good. He remembered.

“A whore? A slut?  A traitor?”

“I know you’re not a whore.”

Well, she was not sure is she should thank him or slap the shit out of him.

“But I disgust you.”

For now, she’d let it slide that he was not so sorry about the slut and traitor parts. 

“I’m…um…I was…I’m upset…I was totally blindsided.”

No shit, Sherlock! And he hid it so very well.

It stung that he could not at the very least correct his statement of disgust. Why could he not see she was absolutely the same person he could not get enough of that morning?  Biting her tongue, she continued to focus on his hands.  There was at least something she could do.  

“I love you…don’t you get that? I never loved any other woman like I love you.  I thought I loved others. But not like that. I tried over the years to get over you. To not think about you. Talk about you…dream about you… But it never quite worked.  It was so weird, as if I was all out of defenses against you.  And then a miracle happened. And now we had this second chance and…I let myself trust you again…and now …now this.”

Lisa applied salve to the cuts and tried to bandage him up as best as she could.  At least he said he loved her. Didn’t use past tense.  

“There…that’s the best I can do. I’m no nurse, you know.” She blew an errand strand of hair from her face and put down the tube of antibiotic cream.

Michael looked up and the hint of a smile crossed his eyes. “Thank God for small favors. One nurse in my life is enough.”

Getting up, Lisa stretched,.and then leaned over to pour herself a glass of wine. Fuck it! She drank from the bottle instead.  Liquid courage.  She needed all she could get.  Good thing he for some reason seemed to have kept the wine cellar stocked. 

“Am I?”

Michael rose from the edge of the tub and inspected his hands. Ignoring her question.  Great.  Was this it? Was he going to tell her thanks, but no thanks?

“Michael, am I still in your life?”

“Lisa Marie…”

Oh no. He used her full name. So not a good sign.

“Fine!” She put the top on the rubbing alcohol and tossed it back into the cabinet, slamming the door.

“What the f…?”

“You know what? I’m done. I’m tired. I’m worn out. I had a shitty day, too, believe it or not. Preceded by yesterday, which also was hell. I got blindsided. My name was plastered all over the tabloids once again for my kids to read. You about tried to kill the father of my twins, and my son had to pull you off him. Then I had to drive two hours across California only to stand there and let you assault me with words.  Then I get to clean your hands up only to be tossed aside…You can’t even tell me if we’re over or not? Well, you know what?…”

“Neverland is not across the state from Los Angeles,” Michael interrupted her.

That’s it? That’s all she got? A fucking lesson in geography?  “Fuck you, Michael!” 

She pushed by him, headed to the door. Maybe he couldn’t say the words. But his actions were super clear.  

As soon as she reached for the door handle, it was ripped from her grasp as he threw the door shut again, trapping her between his body and the heavy door.  Yanking her around by her arm to face him- none too gently. 

“What the hell are you doing?” The room spun from the sudden movement. Or maybe it was caused by those eyes…so close…

She closed her eyes in frustration. Or in protection. Who knew anymore… “I’m leaving! I’ve had it. I think I stood strong pretty long. I can’t do it. No more.  So let me the fuck out!”

She reached for the handle again and Michael grabbed her hand. “You just gulped down that wine, girl - you can’t drive.”

The hypocrisy of the oh so calm statement almost made her laugh out loud. 

“Oh, I had wine? What did you have, Jackson? How many little helpers did you inhale tonight?”

His eyebrow rose in that cocky way. “Well, I’m not the one wanting to drive.”

“Fine! Your Mom said two cottages were ready. I’m gonna go sleep in the other one.”

“Like Hell.” 

“What the fuck is your deal? You tell me I disgust you and all those other lovely things…. I have no clue what your next move is when you sober up, but I’m supposed to stand by and wait for you to kick me out?”

Michael leaned in.

“You really think I’m gon’ kick you out?”

She thought…she thought…Shit, she didn’t know what to think.  Other than that he needed to back off because she was too raw to…be this close.  She was still reeling from all the emotions, all the words, all the things her brain was still filtering in bit by bit. And it was difficult as all getup to filter anything with him this close.

How did she want him still?  How did all her senses go into a crazy buzzing zone despite everything he had said to her? Those horrible words… Yes, she knew where they came from. That didn’t mean they weren’t like lashes on naked skin. Any normal person would have told him to take a flying leap as no one has the right to talk like that. Any normal person would have fled the scene, once knowing he was safe and sound. But no, not her.  Nothing new though. She was nowhere close to normal. 

Lisa closed her eyes and turned her head. 

Maybe, if she tried to block him out. Tried to block out the pain in his eyes.  The heat of his body.  He had no right to be such a fucking mess and still be everything she ever wanted to lose herself in. 

“Lisa…” he breathed against her skin.  His voice a caress.  So close… Moving in on her like a spider on the fly stuck in the net. 

“Don’t…”  She didn’t know if the words were loud enough to be audible.  The fight to hold back new tears was almost lost.  She could take his acerbic anger.  His outrage.  But at this point she could not take his tenderness. 

“I wish I could walk away, you know. Let you walk away. I wish I could hate you…hate you for what you did to me. Or be like what you once said to me…be indifferent to you. I wish I could think that I can kick you out of my life and it’s all gonna go away and be done with.  I really, really wish that…”

His head was bent. His mouth so close to her ear, the poison of his confession starting to drip to the roots of her very being.  Oh God, she knew how he felt! He needed to stop. She couldn’t hear that. Not now…He had to stop. But this was Michael. He never stopped. Until he said so.

This time was no different.

When she felt him inhale, all the little hair on her neck stood at attention, ready to play the tune to make her soul sing.  Damn him!  

“But I tried that.  It doesn’t work.  It never works. It’s so hard to be with you at times.  You do things…you drive me crazy…. But then being without you… It’s harder than hard.  Too hard…”

As tears escaped her tightly screwed shut eyes, as the truth of his words both soothed and ripped her asunder, as all the different emotions mixed and mingled, as all that turmoil rendered her dizzy, she still felt it.  The other hard part.   Dammit! Really?  Were human brains really that basic?

Really, this was not news.  Adrenaline was off to the races.  Hormones didn’t care what caused the thrill.  Good or bad…no judgment in being keyed up to the hilt. And their fights had always been beyond passionate, sparking other neighboring circuits.  

It would be so easy.  Just to get lost for a moment. To heal each other and to help the other survive this unreal night. Nothing wrong with that, right? Only morning would come.  And then what?  Would she hate herself? Or worse? Would he hate her even more?  Accuse her of using her body? When really, right now she was squarely on the defensive side. Being assaulted by his words, his voice, the feel of his wired little body, the feel of his hard cock telling her that at least that part of him was not disgusted.  But no doubt, he’d find a way to turn all this on her. Blame her.  See himself as the lovely victim once more. 

“Michael… You gotta let me go.  We…” she swallowed hard.  Calling on her last reserves, she turned her head, willing herself to be strong enough to look at him.  Steeling herself to guard her eyes- convey how serious she was.

God, Lisa, you’re such a fucking little liar. You’re serious alright. Serious about wanting him fuck you so hard you won’t remember all the other pain.

“We can’t do this… You…we…we got so much to work out. You don’t wanna do this, believe me.”

God….he was so close, nothing was in focus.  Nothing but the dark abyss of that black hole sucking her in.  His eyes held her.  Then they lowered and stared at her mouth. Open, panting. forcing her lungs to take in the air that had been replaced with the essence of their passion. 

“Oh girl, I don’t wanna do this?”

Lisa licked her lips that tingled, aching for the caress of his mouth lingering so close. And yet not close enough. 

Her throat too dry to answer, she moved her head side to side.

Somehow, it had been unavoidable.  Somehow, she was not surprised when the next thing she knew he stole her breath, his mouth claiming hers so hard she could not tell if her groan was caused by pain or pleasure.  They had been on that part of the rollercoaster where you’re pulled up…slowly…anticipation rising…apprehension mixing with fear as you glanced down. You know the apex is near. You see the drop off.  You want time to stop almost as badly as you want the release to be forced on you. And then the cart stops. You hear the sound of your heart as you hold your breath. Fearing the rapid decent- and yet not being able to wait another second. Till it came. And took your breath. Tilted your stomach. Caused you to scream and cry.  Maybe this time you’ll die.  Or you take flight.  But either way- you’ll never feel more alive. 

Their tongues danced against each other as they inhaled the other’s breath.  Moans filled the air. Hands caressed and demanded, tenderly exploring skin, while ripping unnecessary clothing out of the way.  When Lisa felt his hot lips against her aching nipples, she screamed and was answered by his moans against her.  Gripping his hair, she pulled his head back to her, kissing and biting his neck, losing her mind at rapid speed.  Michael opened her pants while she pushed down his jeans- reaching for him, while kicking her shoes off. His hot mouth was everywhere, licking her neck, biting her ear, sucking hard on her nipples.  He kneed down and kissed her stomach, then pulled down her jeans.  Holding on to his shoulders their eyes clashed. Lisa recognized the drunken, cloudy delirium of his gaze as it reflected her own altered state. The cool air around her reminded her she was naked.  She was also on fire.  Her body buzzing, screaming, calling for him.  And Michael answered.  Groaning, he licked almost roughly at her slit, causing her to scream again when his teeth grazed her hypersensitive engorged clit. 

“Lise…you drive me crazy…you’re all I want.  This…this is all that matters…You gotta stay here.  I gotta have you here…forever….”  

Several more caresses with his tongue and lips and she pulled him up as he kicked off his jeans all the way.  Trembling hands found him hard and full.  She already felt liquid at the tip, and her hands closed around him greedily as her mouth watered.  Pushing against him, her own madness had taken over as she pressed him against the door, kissing his mouth while fondling, caressing, sliding the velvet skin over his iron steel. Michael groaned and she swallowed the sound. Sinking down, she kissed and nipped a hot path, delighting in his sounds and the way his skin changed under her touches.  

His hand took over stroking his dick, while her own hands squeezed his balls, licking his scrotum.  Her eyes opened and she found him looking down at her, biting his lips, his eyes burning her.  

Lisa reached for him and her tongue traced that fluttering vein on the underside of his rock hard cock.  

“Fuck…no…I can’t …it’s too much…”

Michael roughly pulled her up, and she did not have a second to be disappointed to not get to taste him before he picked her up and her legs automatically wrapped themselves around his narrow hips.  

“Damn…I need you…need this…please….please…I need you so bad it burns…” His fingers caressed her swollen pussy, dipping in, using her escaping arousal to coat her. Lisa shivered against him.

“Do it….now…oh God….”  Reaching between them she could barely contain herself. He was so hard…so huge…

Michael bore up and impaled her as his eyes shut tightly and his flushed face distorted with the agony of pleasure.  “Oh fuck…you’re so damn hot…so wet…so tight…fuck….”

Lisa took a deep breath as he body tightening around him, trying to adjust to his size, his passion, his pain. “Move…please move…” Lisa was driven by the urgency and agony of him entering her body. As always he took her breath physically..but tonight…tonight something else was in the mix.  Desperation, fear… 

Lisa held on tight when he finally moved against her.  His escalating grinding, demanding, stabbing rhythm driving her mad as he body responded and her inner muscles pulled him in tight. Every time he pulled back she feared losing him, one hand gripping his ass before she groaned as he hit her sweet spot and her clit upon crashing into her once again. He was her ocean and she was his shore.  It was that simple and that complicated.  Within seconds Lisa felt the sweet taste of the impending climax.  Michael held her ass in his huge hands, spreading her, keeping her open and filled at the same time, moving her, and angling her against him as his movements drove her higher and higher.  

“Look at me…Look at me when you cum, Lise….” Answering the growl, her eyes flew open as she felt the sweet edge of her almost painful climax a nanosecond before reaching the tipping point and being pulled into the vortex of light and sensation. A hurricane of all her particles swirling around her- to be centered only by the focal point of his mesmerizing gaze.

Somehow they ended up on the bed moments later.  Michael on top of her, her legs once again around him like a vice as he spread her body and touched her soul.  His hands had grabbed hers, arms above her head, their fingers intertwining as he drove into her with desperation.  His moans sounded like sobs, and she was not sure if she wasn’t crying herself.   Their movements, sounds, caresses all processed the pain and turmoil of the past hours.  Their lovemaking conveyed their story of pain, love, passion, fear, and uncertainty even as their bodies were united and moving toward that point they both longed for and feared.  That climax…the flight into the sun, the gravity defying descent.  

When it came, it was beyond intense.  There were no words…only bare nerves and sensations beyond what was bearable.  His body filled her and spilled life into her heat even as his tears fell like liquid diamonds, mixing with hers.  Shivering they held on to each other as if they were they only survivors in a massive, cataclysmic global event.  Michael had sank against her, his face buried in the hollow of her neck. His body heavy, his penis still jerking inside her sensitive flesh.  

Lisa took a breath and it sounded as if her chest was wracked by a giant sob.  “Don’t move…I can’t let you go…I can’t ever let you go…it’s too much…” Michael whispered against her so softly she was at fist not sure he was speaking at all.

“You don’t have to…I’m right here…”  

“I love you Lisa. Heaven help me…it hurts so much.”

“I love you more…” And it hurt more..so much more.

They had fallen asleep, and Lisa woke up with a start. Rattled to the core by something she could not name at first.  Her heart was pounding as she tried to orient herself.   Fear grabbed her and she felt as if something was holding her down for a moment, almost making her push against the warm flesh surrounding her before she realized it was Michael, holding her from behind, his leg and arm draped over her possessively.  He was here.  

She struggled to take in a full breath.

It was okay. He was here. Still. 

The worst had happened, and yet he was here.  Asleep- passed out against her.  Her nightmare from so long ago had not come true.  He had not left.  It would all work out.  The fear was unfounded.  It would be okay. There was hope.  Willing her muscles to relax, she forced the fear back into its dark cave.  It was okay.  It would be okay. They would make it…there was hope.

Or so it had seemed at least.  The morning had found them making love again- without words.  A sensual, drowsy, slow dance this time that had started with her awareness of Michael kissing her shoulders, caressing her breasts, and slipping between her still wet folds from behind before she had been fully awake. Then she was on top, drowning in his eyes, their hands again locked while they continued to hide away from all the pain in the real world.  But it was not to last, of course. When they finally got up, the feel of the day was surreal.  He was quiet.  Not remote…just pensive.  He didn’t want to talk about “it all.”  Lisa asked what he needed her to do, and he told her he needed her to trust and respect that he could handle his life. So simple. And so complicated. 

She had asked where they were headed…and not just meaning the location.  “Home,” was the simply, albeit nondescript answer.  

And so, somehow the decision had been made that their relationship would continue.  What fools they had been to start off into this new land without a clear map! 

Looking back, what had seemed like a new beginning, turned out to be the slow, almost imperceptive beginning of the long, terminal illness permeating their relationship.  A cancer hidden away, symptoms being disregarded.  His eruption at Neverland was replaced by a new remoteness.  It was hard to put into words what was off.  His actions were beyond reproach most of the time- but it felt as if he somehow lost his soul.  Or did his best to hide it away from her. As if he was some robot going through the motions.  Even making love became different.  He held part of himself back.  Many times, he found excuses why they could not be intimate.  Or, when he initiated, she’d catch a glance of something…something guarded as he seemed to watch her. When she initiated, it felt as if she was some dirty whore…using her whiles to corrupt him- and often she ended what she had started, running off to cry in some dark, hidden corner. 

When she questioned it openly, he called her paranoid. Maybe it was not his intent to be aloof, for lack of a better word… Possibly, it was an inmate defense mechanism  that kicked in after his whole system had come under attack. When they had made love that night at Neverland, Lisa felt as if she was staring into the black lava of the erupting volcano.  Maybe his gaping wound had been too much.  Maybe he found ways to shut it all down.

On the surface, he certainly was trying.  Trying to move their relationship forward.  He stopped complaining about the press and was quite open about being seen with her in public.  Much more open than she wanted him to be, actually.  If anything he was all smiles while holding her hand and waving to fans.  Only to let go of the contact as soon as their asses hit the car or other shelter.  He reached out to Lockwood and apologized for the physical attack.  In the form of a letter, but hey- it was all very mature.  He verbalized that he wanted them to be in a relationship. Whatever that meant.    He made an effort, that was for damn sure.  But she could tell…could feel it was just that- an effort. It was as if his brain knew he loved her and wanted her in his life.  But his heart was too shell-shocked to get with the program and had decided to go into hibernation.   

Michael flew back to England for his shows and Lisa followed a week later, after her and Lockwood started divorce proceedings. Christmas was spent together- at Michael’s after the twins had opened their presents with their father on Skype at Lisa’s house.  Once at Michael’s, the boys seemed happy to have everyone there- despite Paris being less than thrilled.  Riley and Ben also flew in, and they separately- then together questioned Lisa about the odd atmosphere.  Part of her was elated- YES! She had not just imagined it all! And yet, she assured her two oldest that things were honky dory and her and Michael were working it out.

“Then why do you look as if you are constantly on guard? Or constantly constipated? I think you two need to cut the crap and figure out what’s really happening here. Cause it’s spooky.  Like it’s some sort of Stepford version of you two.”

Yeah, Riley was right on the money. And still, Lisa laughed it all off.  Ben watched her with a very worried expression, but didn’t say much- and she knew neither one of her children bought her act. She had always been a lousy actress. 

Katherine flew in the day after Christmas.  They pretended to be one big happy family.  And yet, her former mother in law also seemed to sense something was off.

“Lisa Marie….Are you alright? You’re very pale and quiet.  And Michael…he’s become so…remote again. He pretends he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I don’t like to see you guys like this.  Like all the air has gone out of you.  Both of you. Are things okay?”

Of course she had assured Katherine that things were fine.  A little white lie for the greater good, right? These had to be some sort of growing pains. 

Lockwood had been living up to his promise and had been more than reasonable about the girls, and while he mainly stayed in the States, he flew in quite frequently.  Lisa had expected Michael to make a fuss about the fact Lockwood stayed in her house, but surprisingly he had only shrugged. “Guess it makes sense. Not like he can afford to rent a place on his meager little allowance, I guess.”

“Okay, I’m glad you understand…this time.”  Lisa had answered, hinting at Michael’s constant anger at  Danny’s presence in the past. Maybe the difference was that back then, he really cared.  

“Hey- guess no reason to get bent out of shape till  you run back to him after your business investment fails. Guess I better keep the rehearsals up and eat healthy.”  

“What the fuck?”  Lisa simply stared at him.

Michael rolled his eyes and laughed somewhat forced, “Lighten up, Lisa Marie. I’m just kidding.”

Yeah, he was always “just kidding.” Non stop comments.  Non stop jokes. Non stop little jibes.  Like when they drove somewhere and her Dad’s song “Devil in Disguise” came on the radio and Michael started singing after the turned the volume up.  

“Anything you wanna say to me, Michael?” 

“What? No- but that would make a great ring-tone, don’t you think?”

“I’ve just about had it with this shit! Cut it out!”

“What?” he laughed. “I’m kidding, Lisa Marie, Jeeze! Where’s your sense of humor.”

Oh yeah, it was all a fucking laugh a minute! 

To top it off, she had started to feel physically horrible. Nothing seemed right, she had problems sleeping, was fatigued to the point of being dizzy, experienced vertigo, and couldn’t eat right to the point of losing weight.  All the stress, no doubt.  Riley and Ben kept urging her to make a medical appointment, but for some reason she kept putting it off. The fear of the verdict, maybe.  Of being told that she had to learn to manage all her turmoil and that everything was in stuck solidly in her head but took a toll on her body.  And no reprieve anywhere in sight.  Life had become a nonstop tour de force:  Obligations concerning her father’s estate, a planned exhibit at Graceland, divorce proceedings, and meetings with lawyers.  Even her music had become bothersome. Work on her album was simply not happening.  Usually, when she did muster the focus to work on her music, she just burst into tears after some bars and had to leave the studio.  The twins were her only time out.  Well, and Ben and Riley, of course, but they acted as if they were walking on eggshells lately, so they didn’t count.  The babies were the only true oblivious parts of her life.  They didn’t notice their mother’s nervous checking of her phone.  Her slamming her laptop shut with a sigh.  Her hidden tears. And dammit, Lisa felt guilty.

This was not all new.  This was strangely familiar. 

Basically, Lisa once again had existed waiting for Michael…who often did not call for a day or two.  And what was really horrible was that while she was in that holding pattern , she dreaded his calls even while longing for them with all her might. And still she feared him.  Dreaded his appearances, dreaded how he looked at her.  But dreaded missing him even more. 

“Are you two fighting again?” Karen had asked her when she met her for drinks in London one night.

Lisa pushed her drink away. The thought of the martini made her nauseous. Great. Now he even spoiled boozing for her! “No, it’s so much worse…we’re not fighting… We’re starting to be some odd version of polite strangers.  Why, is he saying anything?”

“No.  He’s oddly quiet. He stopped joking around.  Stopped hanging out.  Well, most of the time. Except when the new girl is around. You know, the one he had flown in to annoy Phillips? Everyone has been noticing it.  He’s off.  I mean- don’t get me wrong. I don’t think he’s sick like he was before.  But something is off.  And I thought he’d be thrilled to death now that I hear you and Lockwood are almost divorced.”

Karen’s comment hit a sore spot.  Not the divorce, oh no.  The one about hims bouncing back when his new little assistant was present. Oh yeah…the new girl. Tonya ..Tasha…whatever her name was. The chick had worked for Phillips and Michael thought it was a brilliant idea to hire her, making her work for him, basking in her adoration. It was enough to make her throw up.  And yet, she had been biting her tongue.  He sang the girl’s praises and she just smiled through gritted teeth.  No, she was not jealous. Not in a traditional way, anyway.  But it hurt to see him smile at the woman.  Laugh at her jokes.  Grin openly at her texts.  But no, she wasn’t about to give him the satisfaction to be openly jealous.  

“I don’t even know if he cares that the divorce is moving forward or if it caused him to lose interest in us in some odd way.  Plus…he’s still upset at me…I think he’s trying not to be. He’s trying to move past it.  But I’m starting to think he won’t be able to.  It’s like..like he can’t trust me. With all the spiders around him, I’m the enemy once again. Go figure.”

Karen reached for her hand. “No Lisa…you’re not the enemy. He does love you, no doubt about it. But….Well, you know him. He’s old fashioned.  He got his panties in a bunch that you tried to help him. And worse- everyone knows. You know the tabloids had a field day thanks to that other woman he can’t seem to reign in. Well…at least it seems he blocked her custody shit for now, right?”

Yeah, he had buried Deb with enough legal shit to keep her lawyers busy for the next ten years.  If she could afford to pay them that long.  

“Yeah… She’s the least of my problems now. Other than she leaked all the shit.  But that’s done with.  But what do you hear in the background?  Do you hear anyone talking about it? I mean, is that it? Are there people making fun of him? Did he overhear something or is it really just him not being able to cope that a woman stepped in and gave him some space?”  

“Nothing rumbling from what I’ve heard.  Or noticed.  People are just glad to have a job and that things are going well. No one cares much beyond that. If they even remember.  But you know him. It’s in his head.  And that makes it real.  But does he talk about it…. No…He only once asked if I knew that you …” Karen seemed to hesitate. 

“I what? What did he say?”

“Well, he asked if word was out him ..how did he put it…about  him being kept by his woman. I told him that was such an odd way to phrase it. Told him to get with the 21st century. You know me, I’m not shy.” 

Lisa giggled. She could just imagine how well Michael took to that! Another woman disobeying the man.  At times it was scary how much of Joe, the one person on Earth he did not want to be like, had influenced his mind.  “It’s a fucked up way of putting it.  He acts like I tried to somehow usurp him.  Dammit….I did the only thing I could think of to help him.”

“And he sees it as control no doubt.  Don’t forget he is a product of his upbringing.  Women didn’t step in and save. They stood by silently and took things.  Anyway- I thought you told me before you guys worked it out?”

“Sort of…I thought.  I even asked him if he needed us to be apart till we figured it all out, but he seemed to want to move forward ….with…whatever “this” is…”  Lisa made a sweeping hand gesture. 

A relationship without a heart.  A relationship on life-support. 

And so it all came down to this afternoon.  With Michael paying he a surprise visit, checking her phone, pretending he had no clue what she was talking about when she pointed out this was not going to work. 

The truth reached out from the red mist leaking from her broke heart.  Lisa felt as if dark, cold fingers closed around her throat. She needed to take the bull by the horns. Now. No more wasting time and energy.  

“Michael…we need to talk.”

He looked up. “We are talking. I just told you I ate earlier. That’s talking, right?”

“I’m not talking about about your diet plan. And you know it.”

“Why are you so mad? You’re always pissed. Was I supposed to call before I came over? I thought you’d like a little surprise.”

“If only it wouldn’t feel like a pre-arranged conjugal visit I’d be even happier. Oh wait- no doubt no sex is involved, right?”

“Sex? Is that was all this is about? What?  You’re not getting enough for your taste? Well, I’m sorry I can’t be pleasing you on your schedule. I got shows to do.  Got investors to please. You know…”  

“I know this isn’t working.  This whole…bullshit.  It’s not working for me, Michael.” Tears started to rise, and she fought hard to swallow them.  They hit her stomach with the force of ten tons of TNT. A wave of nausea hit and forced her to steady herself. 

“What?  What do you want from me, woman? I told you I ain’t checking your phone. I told you I was a good boy and ate. I rehearsed. I bring in the money. What the fuck isn’t working for you?  Is your trained monkey not acting to your expectations?”

There it was again. Jibe after jibe. 

“Why do you do that? Why do you make it seem as if I own you? Control you? You say you fucking understand and yet you keep punishing me. How long exactly do you think I’m gonna just take it laying down?”

He raised his hands in a defensive gesture. “I don’t expect anything, Lisa Marie.  I certainly did not drive out here to fight with you.  And I have no clue what you’re talking ‘bout. I’m sorry I just came by without calling. Maybe you were expecting someone else….”

“Yes, the fuck I was expecting someone else. Something else. I was exception the man I love. You- not this weird fucking version of robot you. I want you back! I want the man who screamed at me back at Neverland!  The man who got drunk and cursed me out. The man who loved me… The real you…” A sob took the rest of the tirade. Dammit…she had tried so hard to keep it together. 

Michael stared at her.  Something moved in his eyes.  

“Lisa….Lisa Marie… I am that man. I do..I care… I really am trying.  That man…at Neverland. That man was in so much pain…it was so…so horrible. I…’

His phone rang and they both jumped.  Dammit! When he finally let some of those defense down! Lisa wanted to scream.

Michael raised his phone to check for the caller, biting his lip.  “Um…I…I gotta take this…”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Lisa stared at him incredulously. Now?  He had to take a damn call now? Okay…chill…maybe it was about the kids. 

Michael turned away from her. “Yes?  Yeah.  Oh, sure.  Oh- I totally forgot.  Yes…of course. Tell them I’ll meet them…” he checked his watch, “In like two hours.  I can get to London in that time no problem.  ….. No… I’m sure… Okay. Thanks for reminding me.”

Yeah, this was so not about the kids, obviously. That little bastard! 

“Let me guess. Tasha.”  The super personal assistant.  His new little hanger on.  His little project.  Healing the world, one little hussy at a time.

“Don’t… Don’t use that tone.  She called to remind me ‘bout something I gotta do. I…I forgot a meeting with the Cirque people, that's all. I gotta run. I’m real sorry Lisa Marie.”

He turned back to face her. Whatever little opening she seemed to sense earlier was gone again.  Shutters and defenses in place securely. 

“You’re sorry?” Her tone could have cut through glass.  Oh, he was about to be sorry that was for damn sure! 

“Yeah. I gotta leave.”

“You gotta leave? I am telling you this relationship as it is isn’t working and you gotta go and meet with the Cirque people? I’m pretty damn sure they’d wait on you- given they can’t do you show without you.”

“It would be rude to let them wait. They flew in for me as i could not get to the meeting in Montreal last month.”

“And it would be rude to leave me, don’t you think? I’m telling you- we’re on borrowed time. This is dying. We…we’re dying…”  The tears rose again from the pit of despair as her voice cracked.

There was a hint of fear in his eyes, then it was gone. “Don’t be so dramatic.  We’re fine. I told you...I simply forgot a meeting. Why you gotta overreact like that?”

“And I’m telling you… I can tell you’re holding back, dammit.  Been holding back since you ...since you exploded that day you found out. You don’t call. You stay away. We don’t make love- you’re daughter hates me still and my kids are noticing you’re trying to get away. Which hurts them and kills me. We gotta sort this out. Now!” Suddenly, she realized how weary she was of dragging it out.  Of waiting for something that might never happen.  He might never get over his wounds.  Her standing by and watching him either ignore them or lick them raw was not an option anymore.

“Look, Lisa Marie. We will get to this…later.  I…I gotta go.” 

He headed out of the room and Lisa was hot on his heels. She was sick and tired of giving him space.

“Michael, there is no later. I’ve had it. I’ve reached my limit.  I’m done. If you can’t stay and talk about this….about us…if we can’t straighten this out…” the rest of the sentence hung like a Damokles sword above them. 

Michael stilled and raised an eyebrow.  His mouth twisted in some strange half grin. “Are you giving me an ultimatum? If we can't straighten what out? What are you saying? If I don't miss a business meeting you are out? Is that it? Are you trying to force my hand again?”

"Yes, that's me. Always forcing you into things.” He was either not getting it or chose to be obtuse. Neither a workable option. 

"I'm not having this conversation, Lisa Marie." He turned away from her. Oh yeah, she caught that last look. He was getting it.  And he was ignoring the threat. Pretending it was not there.  Unwilling to face what picking that scab might reveal.

"Of course not. You're not having anything that could upset you. No emotions. No conversations.”

"Not immature, idiotic ones. Look, I call you later. I'm sure you will have had a chance to calm down and be reasonable." Oh God! She hated him when he talked to her as if she was a willful three year old! 

"I'm done being calm! And I'm don't being reasonable!" She yelled at him this time, tears starting to flow. This was like some horrible flashback.

"No shit" he growled and headed across the foyer toward the door.

Lisa’s hands balled into fists.  She should let him go. Should wait till things were calmer.  But hell...this idiotic calm they had been bubble wrapped in lately was the very thing that she hated more than being upset. And still… forcing always backfired. 

Turn Lisa.  Turn and let him walk out.  You will talk later. Maybe he’s right. Maybe it’s for the best. 

That very small remnant of her rational brain told her she was not in any state to make good decisions. She felt oddly hormonal and off kilter. Nothing good ever came from that sort of feeling. 

Lisa willed her breath to slow down.  She shook from the effort to will her feet to move to safety.   The tightness in her chin gave her a headache.  One step.  There!  One more… She felt as if she was moving through tar.  This was so damn hard!  Why should she fight this hard to appease him?  Fuck it! Fuck him! She needed to handle this her way. His way had been skinning her alive, leaving nothing by exposed nerves and constant pain. She stopped.  Her nails dug into the soft skin of her palms.  She turned, suddenly feeling as if she was in some odd domestic duel, getting ready to face her destiny.

"Yeah, you run. Run like a pussy. Run away and hide! You can't handle staying ...you never could."

The fired words stunned her.What the hell was wrong with her? Part of her felt as if she was on some observation deck, watching this crazy version of herself slip back into the past. 

Michael froze by the door. His head dropped.  She saw him inhale deeply. His form looked tired.  Shoulders slouched over, weighed down by whatever it was he was carrying around.  She was not the only one worn out, obviously. 

”What I can't handle is you trying to goad me into ...into what? For what, Lisa?" Ever so slowly, he turned and stared at her, leaning against the door.  

"Maybe I'm trying to get you to act like a real man.”  

"Are you fucking kidding me? You done lost your ever-loving mind, woman? “ The frozen mask was starting to slip. With that came elation- and fear. The eruption could bring anything from a fertile future to total destruction. Too late to turn back now. 

"Forget it. You run off to your little assistant. I'm sure she can delight you as she worships you like the pretend deity you like to play. High up above us faulty humans.  Cold and remote and beautiful. But I'm done. I need a real life human being.  I done spent about time on my knees repenting and pleading.  It hurts to watch us slowly die. I can't stand by and watch you slip away. Watch us slip away." She was crying openly now. 

"And getting me angry, calling me a pussy will remedy that, Lisa Marie? That and some bullshit about me being a real man?”

“No…probably nothing will. You’re right.  We’re too far gone.  So you do what’s left to do: Go.” She turned.  Suddenly felt like running.  And never stopping.  There had to be a way to outrun what she suddenly felt with full force.

“Lisa…I really don’t…don’t wanna leave like this… But…”

But he had to go.  And he probably knew as well as she did that this was not just about going to some meeting.  She felt her body being taken over by deep sobs.  Wrapping her arms around herself, she tried to make it to the staircase.

"Go. Goodbye, Michael..." 

Being distracted by the effort to not lose it right there before him, she never heard him move.  She had made it to the second step when she felt his arm around her, stopping her progress, holding her to him from behind, bending over her, making it almost impossible to breathe. 

His voice was muffled. By her hair as he held her close and whispered into her ear. By emotions she had not seen or heard in over a month. By tears coating his tone.  "Lise... girl, I don't wanna leave..I really don't. What I wanna do is take you up there and show you that I feel this same crazy love for you I always have.  To open up and to let it all hang out. But...but it scares me…petrifies me. You got no idea…It would be so easy...and also would be the hardest thing to do. That pain, Lisa... I felt it all come back that night. It...it's just too much..." His voice broke and she thought she felt a tear falling onto her shoulder.  Her own we're streaming down her face as she started to cry hard.  

"I...I somehow was able to separate it all out in the past...but I can't... I can't anymore.... I feel one thing and everything comes at me.  I tried, can’t you tell? But every time I feel as if I’m being faced with all the demons from hell.  If I open up, it seems to be right there...drowning me, sweeping me away.  And..that can't happen. Not again.  I can’t do it. Not for you…not for anyone.  And it’s not that I don’t want to…I just literally cannot.  But I love you…I will always, always love you.  I’m broken…there’s something missing- and I know it’s not up to you to fix it.  I don’t know if it can be fixed.  Maybe I just need time. But I really don’t know.  I’m so angry at you still. And then…then sometimes I realized it’s really not about being angry at you at all. It’s much more.  It’s choices I made…choices I can’t change… And I know it’s about the  future. My head knows that.  And still- I’m so damn scared. Scared to live…scared to hope. And you…you deserve so much more.  I’m so afraid you’re gonna leave.  I felt you leaving for a while now… And I’m also so afraid you’ll stay and see me for what I am…what they’ve made me…”

Oh God….his words ripped her apart.  How could they feel so much of the same and still not be able to get their shit together?  Maybe if he did what he said…maybe if he stopped all this and just took her.  Upstairs being optional.  Just simply taking her away from all this pain would work.  

Until…until it all started again.  

“I love you….I love you so damn much….” Lisa sobbed, her voice as raw as she felt.  

Michael turned her head, and her body followed.  “I love you so much more.  Forever….it will always, forever be you in my heart, Lisa. My girl…my beautiful girl…”  He broke- and reached for her, pulling her into him with the full force of his despair. 

The kiss …the seal to their fate.  She clung to him desperately, needing to feel his warmth, his touch, his breath. She tasted tears.  Tasted his heart. And loss.  Love. Regret.  But above everything else she tasted the good-bye.  It was what she knew had to happen.  Almost from the moment he came into the house she had felt there was no workable solution.  And still…still she was not able to breathe through the destruction of her heart and soul.  Her world was being ripped apart- partly by her own hand, partly by his, partly by the forever intervening forces of the outside world.  

With great efforts he broke away and Lisa was not able to open he eyes to the darkness she knew she’d find before her.  

Again, the sounds of her heart breaking and tears falling prevented the actual perception of his movement.  

At the very last moment her body revolted and jerked her back into consciousness. 

“Michael, don’t go…don’t…”

The slamming door felt like a gunshot. Dropping her to the ground.  

She had no idea how long she sat there on the stairs.  The sun must have set as it was dark.  She knew she was crying at first, then finally only rocking back and forth, her arms wrapped around herself.  There were sounds, but they did not resemble human pain.  More like the keening of a dying animal.  

“Mom…Mom…what in the world? Are you okay?”  Sudden light and noise startled her and she shielded he eyes against the intrusion.  Riley.  Riley and Ben came back home from their outing with the twins.  

She had to get her shit together.  Couldn’t scare the kids… 

“Mom…what happened?”  Ben crossed the foyer and took the three stairs to get to her in once move.”

Lisa blinked.  She attempted to get up and immediately was overtaken by the force of the whole house moving around her.  “I’m…I’m…” She tried to assure them she was fine.  The wave hit.  Turning, not to want to freak the kids out anymore, she raced up the stairs and barley made it to the first bathroom where she very unceremoniously lost the lunch she had not even eaten.  

August 6, 2012 - New York City 

“I watch you in the morning, but you would never know…”  Lisa tried to settle into her song Heartless, telling herself to focus as this song, together with Weary and Just a Dream always required her to go into that special place anyway.  That trance.  She had fought hard to process all her emotions in her music- and when she sang the songs on stage, she allowed herself a moment to go “there.”  Which normally she did not .  She was a hard core drill sergeant when it came to not allowing her to dwell on…him. Easy as breathing under water! 

Somehow she felt on edge, though, throughout the whole show.  Not just during the songs so intrinsically connected to him.   Something was off. Lisa had felt it for a while now. As if some force was reaching inside and forcing her heart to flutter in panic.  There was a sense of some presence watching her, and it totally unnerved her.  And all that stone sober.  Well, minus the shot of vodka she just took on stage. 

Today was the end of the tour, so it was probably nothing more than the mixed feelings. She hated endings and transitions.  On one hand she could not wait to get more rest, spend more quality time with the family- and yet was so sad to leave her fans behind.  During the last year, her tour had been such a wonderful opportunity to be out there again, meeting people, doing her thing.  Taking the kids had been a challenge, but it also had been so worth it.  Not that everyone agreed all the time, and paternal feelings had to be soothed and managed.  But hey, she was getting pretty good at that juggle act.  Despite the drama kings in her life. Men!

Right on cue, Lockwood looked over at her as if he knew she had been thinking about him.  He looked a bit worried. It seemed as if he sensed something was causing her to be more rattled.  He raised an eyebrow and she gave him a little signal that all was well.  He nodded.  She so appreciated his friendship and support. Who would have thought their relationship was going to work out so perfectly fine?  That her ex could be her musical director and they’d have a great working and co-parenting relationship?  Hey, she could even call him her friend again.  He had let go.  Had moved on.  He actually had beaten her in that department.  Well, she was trying…

“Don’t you think it’s time you moved on yourself, Lisa?”  He had teased her after their show last night, having his new bride to be sitting with them, doing shots.  

Oh, hell no! She was moving on, alright, but not with a man, thank you very much.  She had done the totally unanticipated thing and stayed single.  Well…divorced.  But no dating.  No guys. No sexual band-aids.  Just being a mom.  Figuring things out.  Figuring herself out.  Staying away from drama. Well, as much as possible.  

“Okay guys.  Hold on to your horses. As you know, I’m all alone in this one. And when that plane crashes, it usually does so badly.” Lisa joked, announcing “Sticks and Stones,” the last song before the encores.  “Before we go, I want to thank all of you for sticking ‘round for this tour. I know it took me a while to get new stuff out there. Actually, by the time I brought it to you it was almost old already…but…” she gave a little side-eye, “as you know, I’ve been sort of a bit busy…”  Her audience laughed and cheered.

“We love you, Lisa!” came at her from many directions and could almost physically feel the truth of the sentiments.  

“I love you, too!” Smiling, she returned the feeling- and she meant it whole-heartedly.  Touring had been such a great idea to reconnect with herself.  And her family. Her music. Her sense of self.  

It also was a great way to run away…

For the tenth time tonight, she looked off stage and Riley gave her the thumbs-up.  Finally!!!  Relief cursed through her and she felt a tad bit better.  They must have been running late- that was all.  She had been waiting for the girls to arrive with her mother.  Lisa had been quite anxious about it all day. She hated when they were not with her.  Not that she didn’t know they were being taken care of, her mother spending time with the twins. And still…  The whole family was about to take off to Graceland for the anniversary of her father’s death.  A day that transformed her life.  Again. 

Something in the audience caught her eye.  Or someone.  She squinted. No…no way.  Damn, she hated when her imagination got the best of her.  

The lights made it impossible to see clearly, so she focused on her audience. “Anyway…this will be the last one.  Thanks again for being so wonderful and amazing.  And remember, there always is that little chance we might come back out! Thanks for making this last night of the tour such a highlight- thank you New York!” 

She launched into the tricky acapella intro to Sticks and Stones and despite all her nerves tonight she nailed it.  Again she felt something she could not quite place…. This was just bizarre.  

Two more songs and her audience had come up, many dancing right at the stage as she tried to work out her odd feelings on the drums again, then walked down the stage, shaking hands, enjoying the close contacts, feeling honored, and elated.  Then it was over! One more bow…

Exchanging high fives with the band, she was about to go backstage when she turned one more time and this time was sure she was either losing her mind, or …. No, really…she must be losing her mind.

“Lise- seen a ghost?”  Her friend Alecia, bouncing her daughter Willow in her arm, called out to her, forcing her to re-focus.  Thankfully, the past two year had seen a new closeness to her old friends and Willow and her daughters seemed inseparable now.  Since Lish was also in town, she had decided to attend Lisa’s last show as well as the little get-together that was to follow.

“Yeah, something…someone.”

“Oh shit.. That look. That tone… The plot thickens. Did you see him? I mean, it wouldn’t be too strange…right?”

“No…I mean, yes, it would be. I told you.  We keep our distance. It’s safer that way.”

The concepts of moth and fire still applied.  There wasn’t enough time in the universe to ever change that.  

“Yeah, I really don’t see how that’s possible, but okay.”  Lish made a face and kissed Willow. “Miss Lisa is so silly sometimes, isn’t she, Wilz?”

“We made it possible.”  Well, at least she didn’t have to pretend the conviction was real.  Alecia knew better.  Had been though something so similar.  With a very different outcome, of course, being that her and Carey were more solid than ever.  

Alecia smiled and rolled her eyes.  “Sure…uhum.  Okay. Whatever. Hey! Who are those gorgeous princesses coming my way! Oh my Gosh- you guys have gotten so big!!!”  

“Mommy!!!!” The girls came running to her and she went to her knees, opening her arms to her whole world. God- it had only been two days.  But she hated when she did not have all of her babies under the same roof.

After Lisa kissed and hugged her girls till they protested, she picked one little princess up and went over to hug her mother, while Alecia and Willow said their hellos.

“Hey, Mom. Thanks for meeting up to get them.”  She kissed her mother’s cheek.

“Well, sure.  I was surprised Michael was okay they all went…”  Her mother was referring to Lockwood, obviously. 

“It was just for this afternoon. Plus, he gets it.  He’s never been anything but wonderful to Riley and Ben, so he understands.”

“Well, I’m glad someone does.”

Who would have ever thought her mother was disapproving of her current stance on things?  The world must really have spun out of control and was now upside down. 

“Mom…did everything…go okay?”

“Yes…no blood was shed.”

“Very funny, Mom.”

“No, it’s not. But whatever. As long as things work for you.” That stern look of disapproval again.  Too funny! 

Well, plus, things did work. Sort of….  Not well, but she made them work.  Funny what could be done with the right motivation. 

“Well… I’ll be damned….” Alecia’s voice caught her attention.  Lisa turned, trying to figure out what caused her friend’s outburst.  Before she could get a chance to ask, Lish stormed off.  Okay…well, she knew where the celebration was afterwards.  Still, odd…

“Hey, are you guys all packed for Graceland?” Lisa addressed her two older kids.  Everyone had arrived this week to meet up at her last show, as the plan was to fly down to Graceland for the anniversary.  And … The kids assured her everything was fine and they discussed the itinerary and plans for the next couple of days. This got complicated at times due to the security arrangements now that…

“Look who I found, trying to escape… Well, good thing I know my way around back alleys and security guards.”  Smiling, Lisa turned. She half expected to see Carey being dragged in by his astute little wife.  Maybe he could not make it without his two ladies after all.  

The sight greeting her, froze her smile.  Lisa’s mind stalled, stuttered, and then stopped.  As did her heart. As if neither could comprehend the vision before them.  There was a man alright.  Dark haired and slender… but it was not Carey. Not at all. 

Her brain tried to say his name, and maybe her voice had followed suit.  Her physical reaction came swiftly and almost felled her.  Her heart dropped.  She could literally feel all blood drain her face.  Her hands and feet tingled.  Panic.  That same feeling as before. On stage.  No wonder! 

Everyone turned and the previously noisy backstage area fell eerily silent.

Silent, except for the little girl in her arms who turned into the squirming wiggle worm she was born to be, reaching her little almost two year old arms out to the man she had just spent the last couple of days with, her huge eyes beaming with joy.

“Daddy!!!!!” she squealed, almost deafening Lisa.  Which was fine, cause right now her world centered on the man before her.  

“Hey, baby girl…” he smiled softly, then looked up at Lisa…the smile turning timid and uncertain, “Hey…Lise…I’m sorry…I don’t mean to be interrupting.”

As their daughter scrambled into his arms, one hand securely staying connected to her own hand, connecting her parents, Lisa wondered for the millionth time how in the world she had ever thought this was going to work. 

(to be continued) 

©2014 Erika B Michaels. All Rights Reserved. This story is a work of fiction. Any names, places, and other identifying features are used in a fictional manner, for entertainment purposes only, and are in no way representative of actual events. This work may not be reproduced, copied, transmitted, or stored without expressed written permission by Erika B Michaels. All photos and images, mentioned songs or song titles are copyright their creators. ABSOLUTELY no disrespect is intended to any persons portrayed in this work.