ETERNAL FLAME- ONE SHOT

ETERNAL FLAME

A short story

“C’mon- why are you doing this? What ch’a scared of?”

“I’m not scared of anything and I don’t have to explain my decisions to you.”

“You do if they involve me.”

“They only involve you on the periphery.”

“My, my, are we practicing our big words today?”

“You know what? You can just fuck off and forget it.”

Silence.

I’m biting my lip so hard I can taste blood. At the same time, I know she is probably chewing on her nails. Such a silly habit.

Two stubborn mules pulling against each other, their struggle only tightening the invisible knot binding them.  Where the hell was Alexander the Great and his sword?  Then again, maybe this was one Gordian Knot that could not be severed with brute force. God knows we had tried.

I should never have called her in the first place. All she ever does is raise my blood pressure to inhuman levels.

Like you don’t like that. You thrive off the adrenaline.

Maybe, but I don’t thrive on having my pounding head keep me awake another night. Not now, not when everything was careening toward the abyss at neck breaking speed.  God, if only I didn’t have to deal with all this now.

Sure, it was my own stupid fault. I shouldn’t have invited her. But it would be nice to see the kids. Heck, kids…they weren’t kids anymore, they were young adults now. Of course she would bring the twins as well.  She wouldn’t just leave them behind with him.

Her husband. The father of her babies.

And why did that thought still hurt more than being pierced by needles?

“You still there?”

There you go. I knew she’d break first.

“I’m waiting for you to hang up.”

“Well, why don’t you hang up first?”

“Lady’s first.”

Suddenly, her honey coated laughter filled the crackly airspace. Sweet, dark, tempting…

No, I’m just gonna ignore the fact that suddenly, the bubbling amusement is threatening to jettison out of my heart as well . Contagious. Addictive. How does she do it?

This was serious. She could not just go ahead and spoil my plans. Not that I had plans, but if I did they for sure would not involve him.

“I really don’t know what’s so funny, Lisa.”

“I’m sorry, you’re right. Nothing.”

She sounded like a kid trying hard to stay serious in church. Or class. The effort made her voice break and intersperse the usually husky hue with higher pitched facets.  It brought to mind her eyes: sparkling like a shady lake when attacked by dancing drops of sunlight skipping across the surface.

“No, really- what?”

It was infectious. The familiar, yet alien sound, and the image of those jewel tones shining at me softened me up.

God- old age made me a total wuss!

“It’s just so crazy that we can’t have a normal conversation for more than 5 minutes.”

“Yeah, I think our record is 4.59 ½.”

That sparkling tone again.

“I think you’re right, babe.”

Babe…

A term of endearment.

A sword dipped in poison grazing my heart.  One would think it would be too scarred to feel anything. Scarred by her. The current Mrs Lockwood. I needed to remember to call my bookie in Vegas to figure out what the odds were of this marriage making it past this year. When would she ever learn?

She said she was happy. Yeah, well, she should have checked her emotions chart and made sure she applied the matching expression to her face when she got married. She almost looked as happy as I did when I married Nurse Ratchet.

She had been so ecstatic that she felt the urge to dump her glorious news on me in Bahrain. From the tone in her voice I thought someone died. Well, I was kinda right.

“I’m only returning the favor you extended once when you called me in person so I would not read it in the paper.”

She was a downright saint. Saint Indifferencia – given that’s what she had gifted me with less than a year before she bound her feet and hobbles toward the altar, or whatever it was called in Japanese, and her happy future with Scarecrow. 

Why did she have to marry the guy? Just pull him out at Halloween and keep him in the closet the rest of the year. 

“Well, I hope all your dreams come true.”

“You sound so cold, Michael.”

“No, actually it is quite lovely and warm here.”

“You know what I mean.”

I got angry then. What the fuck was her problem? She just had kicked me into the balls and then to the curb. I had not heard from her in months. Now she expected what? A happy serenade?  The brainwashing the old witch subjected her to in that sect must finally have paid off. Maybe she misunderstood the message of the Wizard and lent her brain out the Scarecrow. Hey- maybe this was some subconscious effort to express that she really wanted to be with me. After all, I played a scarecrow once. Only, my costume came off after it was a wrap.

“What do you expect? I think your indifference rubbed off on me. It’s like a virus, seems like.”

“Michael…”

“You’re accomplished in saying that name. Good for you. And convenient, I guess. When you lie there under him, thinking how you wish you were with me, thinking how you wish I’d never gotten away, thinking of how you miss my hands on you… maybe it comforts you that you can whisper my name and have some stuffed pet next to you.”

“And maybe he helped me wipe away all the nasty associations that come with that name.”

“Hey- one of the associations obviously is my phone number.  How ‘bout you lose that. Hubby might be mad you calling your ex.  Men don’t like that. At least real’ men don’t.”

“What you do? Read a book on how to be a real man?”

“Baby-girl, I never remember you complainin’ before.”

“I really don’t know why the hell I called your arrogant ass. Stupid I guess.”

“Yeah- I guess.”

At that point I heard what sounded like a sniffle. Maybe she had caught a cold in Japan. Cause sure as shit she wasn’t crying on her happy day. Was she?

No, regret and sadness didn’t bring tears to my eyes. Must be the dust in this room. I gotta tell the maid to clean up better…

And damn- but she had once again pulled me into another senseless argument. Time to be the bigger person and end this.

"You know what? The kids and Grace are waiting. I gotta go.”

“Grace?”

Of course, I had known that the accidental insertion of Grace’s name might bring her gander up a slight bit. Or a huge bit.  Maybe I wasn’t as big a person as I hoped to be.

“Yeah, some of my friends have not deserted me.”

“Don’t tell me: and she is the only one who understands how misunderstood and lonely you are. How you never had a childhood and feel alone and deserted.”

“Have a nice life, Lisa. Try not to get bored too soon. And don’t call me.”

The easiest solution to that demand would have been to change my number. Which I did- eventually. But I also made sure she somehow found out. We are that sick: we pull away, then throw out the magic lasso just when the other might ride into the sunset.

Well, this time she had done a bit more than ridden out of the town that was my heart. She actually started a new life. She did the unimaginable. She had two beautiful daughters. Genetics were a funny thing. Thankfully the Presley genes seemed to reign supreme over both losers she had chosen to procreate with.

Jealousy and envy are so unbecoming, Mike!

Well, big whoop! I’ll just have Arnie take care of that little wrinkle.

Only it’s more like a canyon.

Shit, how many lines on my face spell her name? I am carved up and all the pieces reassembled reveal her. How different would my life be had we taken different paths? What if she had not taken that vacation with Danny? What if I had not just exited without a world and then reappeared when I was over it all? What if I had not ever gotten mixed up with Deb? What if she had not nagged me to death about meds I had to take to make it through some days? Or some nights? What the hell did she have to run so scared for? What if the tornado of evil had not swallowed me up, and what if she had not run away like Chicken Little fearing the sky would fall in? I even get that she was scared. But hell, I was scared, too. My life was on the line.

There was no doubt I would have died in jail.  One way or another. They would have had their way. Only – how much better was being free? Free to be a fugitive from my own terror. Too bad it always outran me.

Free of my heart. Because, helpful little Lisa ripped that from my chest when she declared herself void of feelings for me. Once my tears had dried and I could see a bit clearly through the acid rain of my agony and loneliness, I saw that she wanted to preserve what was left of her sanity. She had not been the only one drawing blood.  I had sunk my teeth into her white neck right through to the ruby essence of her heart many drugged instances. I drank from her freely and greedily. At times, this sustained her life, at others it depleted her of energy- and sanity.

So, while my rational thoughts empathized with her fears and her slash and burn attempt to save her own life, I was stunned to be faced by the hatred her words had evoked. After the sadness evaporated…  Lisa turned the spit and revealed the ugly passionate flip-side of love and I loathed her with a passion for a while.

Until my need to keep running from her and from myself threw me right in front of her in Ireland. The pot of gold at the end of my rainbow had blue, sparkling eyes, a husky voice, and a mouth to die for. And so I did it again- I jumped into that little death head first.  With the result of being paralyzed by crazy desire once again.  What the hell was wrong with me?

We had one of our “we are just friends and never will do this again” love making marathons then. Followed by a hot sequel in Vegas.  Why did she always happen to show up where I was?  Or was it the other way round? We had some warped GPS that kept as on track to each other.  Who knew that when you hit “go home” it would always mean to her?  Our systems needed a serious re-tooling.  Too bad we both had a nasty aversion to being fixed.

“Does he suspect you hooking up with me?”

“He doesn’t mind I have my own friends.”

The comment had made me laugh, given she was naked, lying across my chest, as I played with her hair. We were friends?

My queen of denial.

“So, he knows I’m here.”

“I don’t know. I guess he could have checked the papers and seen it.”

“You didn’t volunteer?”

Lazily, she looked up at me. Her makeup was leaving her eyes dark and mysterious.  Her hair was all over the place, and her lips were swollen. I’d done a thorough job, as always. Nothing wrong with loving your woman right. Even if she wasn’t my woman at all. No, correction: she was not my wife. She’d always be my woman.

“What do you keep going on about that for? Maybe he is just secure in our relationship and doesn’t mind me communicating with my ex-husband.”

Ok, that was funny.  If it was true the man was more of an idiot than he looked like. Which was pretty unimaginable. 

“I like when we…communicate, Lise.”  

My hand traveled down her back, fingers happily skipping from vertebrae to vertebrae, arriving at the valley before my hands grabbed her amazing ass and pulled her into my main communication hub.

“I think your microphone is coming back online.”

“Hey- why don’t you let me go in for another in-depth interview?”

She shifted and I felt her gyrating against me, hot and slippery once again. Her hair cascaded around me, depriving me of vision while providing the curtain to make us both disappear once again to that magical place where we could forget that only too soon we’d have to reenter the ice cold airspace of reality.  The pain of having to let her go had become so familiar that I was surprised to still have it swallow me whole at times. 

So, she went back to her universe and I started to plot my way out of the darkness. It was time. Time to take it all back. My name would once again be on everyone’s mind and lips. Those who thought they had won were about to learn a lesson in warfare. I had not been vanquished.  But it was very convenient that my enemies were convinced I was dead or barely alive, with only enough strength to lick my wounds.  Justice was overdue, and I would once again reclaim everything they had stolen from me.

When I heard she was pregnant I kept the mask in place perfectly.   Not one crack. Those were all on my heart.  It crumbled once again. The children and I were at my mother’s house when someone made a mention of a baby shower for Lisa.  The spreading, awkward silence was almost funny. Why did they all assume I was made of glass? Well, maybe I was- of the bullet proof kind, anyway. Everyone was staring at the blabber-mouth, then me- then all my sisters started to change the topic all at once. They were so funny.

My mother handed me a cup of tea.

“Is it true?”

She was the one brave enough to give it to me straight.

“Yes, dear. I guess Riley let it slip when she talked to Austin last week.  I didn’t know if you knew.”

“Nope.” I took a sip, wishing for some numbing agent to wipe out the spreading sting.

“Well, I guess you would have found out eventually.”

Yeah,- in an ideal world, my buddy Lisa would have filled me in.  Or maybe she was not that suicidal anymore.

“Well, great. I am happy for her.” I gulped down the steaming tea, waiting for the burns in my esophagus to override the dull ache in my chest.

When I saw the pictures of her gorgeous pregnant body I was not quite as happy.  What the fuck was wrong with her?  She knew I’d see them.  Or was that the point? Why did she want to hurt me again? Or was it that suddenly she did not think about my reaction anymore- all wrapped up in her glorious happiness?

Well, I’d show her.  I would be too wrapped up in my own plans soon. And we would see how easy it was for her to ignore me then. 

I did snap out of my pouting mode when I heard the twins were born.  How amazing to have such a miracle- twin baby girls.  I knew Lisa had battled infertility for a long time.  It shouldn’t matter that we lost our seeds of hope before they were allowed to take root.  The longest she had been pregnant was ten weeks- and losing that last baby had almost killed both of us. It certainly had contributed to killing our marriage.  When a couple should be the closest, we both opted to pull apart in a moronic quest to find healing. No wonder, we never did- half a heart could never mend. It needed to be reunited with the missing part in order for sutures to not rip right throw the tender tissue.  So, Lisa ran to her church, her mother, and to fun under the sun with Danny.  While I ran into my work- and into Deb and her renewed offer of my greatest dream. 

Losing Lisa, I gained my wonderful son and daughter. And also the understanding how power and money hungry people will stoop to any low to penetrate my fortress.  The leeches were still around. Only my strategy now has changed. I keep my enemies closer…

As I was filled with joy at the birth of the two angels, it also brought back a downpour of regrets and sadness.  Drops in the acid pool of misery: things that should have been. Things that could never be.  If only that desperate hope would finally take its last breath.  It was so much easier to see clearly in total darkness- sudden flickers of light obscured the vision.

Lisa sounded surprised when I called. Wisely, I had sent toys for the girls ahead.  And her favorite flowers.  I didn’t want to run the chance of her asking, Michael, who?  My children had a blast going shopping for “Miss Lisa’s” babies.  Prince and Paris still remembered her, of course.  Blanket’s memory  was more fuzzy and he stoically only wanted to know if he had to give up his room if new babies moved in. Funny, how he automatically seemed to think we were adding babies.  His big sister told him, he was being silly: this was “only one of Daddy’s friends.”

Yes, only one of my friends…

And so, my friend and I started talking again.  The awkwardness gave way to an eerie familiarity. Before we knew it, we were back to long phone calls, to laughing, joking, and …flirting.  As I charted my course back to the pinnacle of Mount Olympus, my dreams took flight once again. And with them, my fears.  Great light cannot exist without great darkness. The brightest, highest beam was capable of producing the scariest shadow monsters.  As soon as I started rehearsing again, whatever ability to sleep and relax I had mastered over the years deserted me cruelly. My body ached and throbbed, begging to get rest, while my brain was lit by an electric storm ignited by endorphins, adrenaline, and euphoria. And desperate fear: My flight into the sun could not ignite my wings.   This time, the plummet into absolute obscurity was a certainty.

Thanks to Lisa’s baby’s sleep schedule, I was not alone on some nights at least.  Once again, she patiently listened to my ranting. Once again I entrusted her with the truth.  Or as much of it as I could afford.

“I thought you had gotten better at this sleeping thing.”

“The one thing I can’t lick. And I had been. Of course, there is one sure fire remedy, and all you’d have to contribute is to get that amazing bootee over here.”

“Dream, on, buster. Fess up- how many caffeinated drinks have you had?  You sound more than wired.”

My foot kicked the Red Bull can to the other side of the room where it collided with its twin. 

“None.”

“None plus how many…”

“OK, freaky savant.  Some.  I’m worn out in the morning- I need something to keep me awake. I have to follow a schedule, you know. Time is money.”

“Have you called that nurse you worked with before?”

I started giggling. “You serious?”

“Not that one, dumb ass.”

Well, it seemed we indeed were back to being familiar 
again.

“Yeah, I called the other one. She is setting up a schedule to get me off the Ruby Slipper Juice and onto health smoothies.”

“Ruby Slipper Juice?”

Her throaty laughter was not helping calming down anything.  

“Shut up. Everything has such boring names. My gift to the world is to rename stuff.”

“You are too generous.”

“How ‘bout you join the movement and come over in an act of generosity?”

“And help you sleep?”

“Something like that.”

“Oh, Mikey, you know very well sleeping is not what we’d be doing.”

Great- now Mike Junior was all the way at attention. Thanks, Lisa. You’re a gem.

“Seriously, you’re not doing any stupid shit, are you?”

I closed my eyes. She was good.  Too good. Maybe I really needed to stay away from her. Her concern was born from conventional thought.  Conventional wisdom wasn’t gonna cut it for me this time.  Great risk would bear great rewards.

“Like…?”

“I don’t know, Mike. You’ve done some scary ass shit in the past when you insisted you had to sleep.”

Had not. I was just smarter and had more resources at my disposal; and more imagination.  But of course, Lisa had a problem with anything she considered risky to my health.  Well, not sleeping was fucking risky to my health.  Sleep deprivation was used as torture for a reason. It worked.

Everything depended on me being on top of my game. The pressure was building and I could not afford to crack. Not when I was so close to being free again. 

“I’m looking around for things to help. Don’t worry your pretty little self wrinkly, little lady.”

“Ok, speaking of…I heard you went to see the bulldog.”

I swear that woman employed an army of spies. Bulldog was her pet name for my dermatologist.

“Just getting ready to look pretty for you.”

Let’s see if my sparkling charm could distract her.

“What’s he giving you?”

That was a no. She was like a bloodhound with a scent.

For sure, I didn’t want to talk about that crap again. She’d go off like a rocket. But I needed it to keep the pain at bay. And I’d cut back later…I’d done it before, and I could do it again.

“I’m sorry, do you have your Michaels confused again? I don’t recall us being married. This is sounding like a rerun of an ancient nag-marathon.”

“You know what- you’re right. Your self-destruction is your business. – Hold on, Harper just spat up.”

Yeah, kids made such convenient excuses.  She backed off- and I forged ahead with my plans. 

Lisa had agreed to come to the shows in London.  And much to my surprise, she cut short my agony of trying to figure out how to invite her.

“Hey, Ben and Riley really wanna see you in London.”

“Oh, really. That’s wonderful. I had hoped they would.”

“Yeah, I didn’t think you’d mind. And , ah, you know, I’m gonna be there around at the same time, looking at some places I might rent or buy.”

Now, that was a news flash. And a funny coincidence. As I was renting an estate as well.

“Yeah?  You still thinking about leaving everything in La-La land and moving to England?”

“It’s getting too fucked up here. I don’t think I’d ever admit it, but you were right all along. This city will eat us all alive.”

“So, cool. You will come with them, then- I’ll have you guys set up for backstage and all that.  You know the drill…”

She laughed. “Do I ever.”

Oh God- that tone in her voice. I didn’t even have to close my eyes to see her eyes flashing at me.  Thousands of people, a sea of lighters, and one set of eyes I could hone into, warming me and guiding me from backstage.  Me running backstage to get some water. And a taste of her. Her body wrapping itself around me, kissing me… Her hands, finding me hard and ready in those damn gold pants. That was our history. 

I couldn’t even answer and only swallowed hard.

“You ready to pick up where we left off?”

I could do cocky really well when actually I was scared shitless inside.  What if she didn’t?  What if we were really only friends this time?

“Mr. Jackson, I am a married woman, I have you know.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I had you confused with this fun, crazy chick I was married to once…”

My tone was light. My head felt dizzy and I couldn’t feel my hand holding on for dear life to my phone. 

“Well, married and crazy could mean Debbie, but fun kinda rules her out. So, I have no idea, Mr. Jackson, whom you are referring to.”

We’d see how long she’d be playing at that. We both knew. I could tell from that timbre in her voice. You couldn’t put us in the same room and expect that chemical reaction to take its course. If she wanted to play at being ignorant and innocent, for now, I’d give her that. She’d see soon enough.

Unless she really changed this time. And you, man, have changed, too. Look at all the weight you’ve lost again. She never liked you skinny.  You really think you still got it? Maybe you’re just fooling yourself.

Those damn insecurities were another gift from the insomnia. I couldn’t afford them. I was bad enough when worry about the future of the children and their inheritance kept me at the verge of nausea.  This was one big gamble that had to pay off. And it would. I would do those friggin’ 50 shows, and I would go down in history for sure. No one had ever had a come-back like this. For once, the legacy of lies would be erased and I’d once again be known as the world’s greatest entertainer.  Unmatched.

Instead of the world’s most famous pedophile and freak…

The thought sent my heart-rate spiking.  No, it would be OK. As long as I could sleep.  I’d make it to London, and I’d make it to see Lisa.  She’d remember what she was missing.  And that her pale, wimpy caricature of a husband would no longer do. Finally, she would have to face what she had lost – what she had thrown away with both hands. And maybe, just maybe, I’d offer her another chance. 

Since sleep was out, daydreams of her had to do.  I was so busy that I was saved from drowning in cold showers. Gosh, I needed her so badly.  I could already feel her unique scent imbuing me with its magic. I was so close to drowning in the icy glacier of her eyes, warmed by the eternal flame of almost toxic heat.  I saw pictures- her body had changed.  And change was good. I love it when she was fuller- more feminine, more curvy… I couldn’t wait to explore her once again. And make no mistake- explore I would.  We might pretend to have all those defenses- but really, we knew they were useless. We were kryptonite to our respective superheroes.

Then, today, when I called her, needing to hear her voice to soothe my physical and mental agony, she dumped her latest bullshit on me: Lockwood would accompany her.

At first it was funny.

Seriously? She needed her hubby to keep her on the straight and narrow? This was ridiculous.

Then anger took over.

Which brought me full circle back to sitting at the edge of my tub, tempted to throw the phone, only contained by my iron grip on my lifeline as everything seemed to once again be blown to bits.

“You’re just gonna have to give in this time, Michael. I’m bringing Lockwood.”

“You shouldn’t leave the twins alone. It might be difficult to find a babysitter.”

“My mother will keep them.”

“Are you nuts? She eats her young alive. I’m sure she won’t stop at her children’s young…”

“She really has come far, you need to stop hating on her. It’s bad for your health.”

No, high blood pressure was bad for my health.

“What- is she almost human now? Humanoid, maybe?”

“You might as well cut it out.  You’re not gonna distract me. Lockwood is coming and I expect you to be civil and have a backstage pass ready.”

“You know, I expect a lot of things. Like northern lights down here in LA. It would be so pretty. Not that anyone would notice it over the city lights. Well, I would- but it just ain’t gonna happen.”

“Fuck northern lights. Either you promise to be nice or I’m staying home.”

“Does he know you fucked me?”

“You’re not gonna shock me with your foul mouth, you know. You forget I know you.”

“Yeah? Then you know not to bring that joke around. Imma make it clear to him that…”

“That what? That you and I have a history? I think he knows that.”

“How up on our history is he?”

“You’re such an asshole. My point is that you need to see us together. You need to get it that I am married and that I moved on.”

“And you need to face the fact that you’re scared shitless.”

“Of you?”

“No, of yourself. Of your feelings for me.”

“Oh, get over yourself.”

“It’s you who can’t get over me. Not with any of the losers you fuck, not with any of the cretins you marry, and not even now that you have babies. You can’t get me out of your head, out of your heart, or out of your body. There.”

“I think you got us confused. You tried to erase me by having children. We were married and you…. No, wait, you know what. You’re not gonna bait me into this. We are done with this shit.”

“Yeah, we’re so done you screwed me every single time we met up over the last years. We’re so done you’ve been flirting with me for months now. How dumb you think I am?”

“Don’t make me answer that. I was not flirting with you. I’m trying to be there for you. I know I let you down before…as a friend, and I can tell you’re spiraling down again.”

“Fuck your sanctimonious concern. I’m spiraling all the way up, baby.”

Maybe my laughter sounded just a tad bit psychotic. She was quiet.

“I worry ‘bout you, Mike.”

“Well, worry about yourself. I’m fine.”

“You sound tired and wired at the same time. I’m afraid what all this is doing to you.”

I should tell her it’s doing nothing. That I am right on target to knock this all the way out of the ballpark. Suddenly, I felt like all my strength had been zapped, though.

That burning in the back of my throat meant nothing.  And the tears were born from that deep spring of anger she tapped into every now and then. Nothing more.

“I got it handled. What I don’t want to deal with is your rubbing your so called marriage into my face. Want me to have my lady there?”

Not that I had one, but it shouldn’t be too difficult to find someone to fit the bill. It never was hard work to find someone to temporarily soothe my biological urges. And it’s not like I used them. They’d get theirs.  She better not fuck around with me, or for once I might actually play by her rules. Which meant striking back with similar weapons- only with access to a better arsenal.  I wouldn’t pick someone from the shallow end of the gene pool.

“You do what you want. I know better than to try to reason with you when you’re like this. And I’m not gonna spoil this for Riley and Ben. So, you just do what you have to do. I can’t stop you, Michael. I never could. I never meant enough for you to put the brakes on any of your brain-dead schemes.”

That hurt. When would she ever see? I did it so we could be free? There was a reason for every single decision I ever made.  I didn’t jump into things like she did. I planned.  With great care and foresight.

“No, you never meant enough. I only love you more than you will ever know. That’s not enough for you, I know.”

“I wish you could see that all I ever wanted was to have you find your peace. I’m so scared, Michael. I see you deteriorating.  I can’t sleep ‘cause I worry.  I l…- I care so much…you have no clue.”

“If that’s true, don’t bring him, Lisa. I beg you.”

The pounding now had spread from my head to the rest of my body. My stomach was churning. How could I be sick? I had not even eaten yet. I noticed I was sweating, and red hot flames shot through my body chased by arctic chills. I scanned the bathroom. Yeah, there they were.  Help was just around the corner- if I could open the container despite the shaking in my hands. This was all too much- I would never be able to get any rest as long as my anxiety took me on this horrific ride. 

Squeezing the phone into the crook of my neck I started to mess with the top. Who ever came up with these stupid bottle caps?  Had it occurred to anyone that one needed anti-anxiety medication when one was anxious- which would make opening the damn thing almost impossible.  How many was I allowed to take? Well, in the state I was in, one extra wouldn’t hurt.

“Michael… I don’t know. Promise to take care of you, ok?”

I was.  I didn’t need her. I was just fine and dandy.

“Hold on, ok…” I put the phone down and ran the water to be able to down the pills.  Some strung out, sweaty guy with red spots on his face and glossy eyes stared back at me from the mirror. Fucking hell! 

Thanks, Lisa, for getting me this upset.

The cool water felt abrasive on my parched throat. The small, insignificant pills became obstacles in my constricting esophagus. When they finally hit my stomach I could almost feel the impact.

Incoming!

Now, do your job and deliver serenity up the raging river of my bloodstream into my racing mind.

Coughing, I reached for the phone again. I was on the floor now, resting my head against the cool tile of the wall.  Taking that deep breath, waiting for the oxygen and the pills to finally let me relax enough to finish this conversation.

“Michael, what did you take? I heard the water running.”

“I washed my hands.”

“Michael?”

“Ok, aspirin.”

“I don’t know why the fuck I bother.”

“I don’t know either. When did you get your medical degree again?”

“Someone has to take care of you. “

“Well, it ain’t gotta be you. You take care of Goldy Locks. I have a real doctor with me now.”

A comforting warmth was spreading, my muscles started to get that buttery feeling. Ok. Cool.  Everything would be ok.  The edge was off.

“Doing what?”

“Doctoring.”

“Very funny.”

“Well, he does have a funny accent. And I gotta go soon, ‘cause he’ll be here any minute.”

“Now? It’s like 1 am.”

“He was a bad boy, so he has to do nightshifts now.”

I giggled.

“That aspiring you took has you talking funny.”

“Not as funny as he does.”

“So, what’s he doing?”

“Helping me sleep.”

“With what?”

She sounded highly suspicious now.  How had we gotten from her need to have hubby on a leash with her to my medical care?

“What all good boys sleep with. Milk.”

“If you say so.”

Why did she never believe me when I was speaking the truth? Time to go back to the root of the problem.

“So, Lisa- again. Leave him at home or don’t bother coming.”

“That’s it? You’re giving me an ultimatum?”

“No, I’m telling you how it is.”

“Fuck you, Michael.”

“Well, you won’t get to if you have Lockwood with you. And that’s a promise.”

There was a funny sound in the line.

“Lisa?”

Fucking hell! No way! She wouldn’t…?

“Lisa Marie? Don’t tell me you fucking hung up on me!”

Well, no, she couldn’t possibly tell me.

The line was dead.

The crashing of the phone against the shower door masked my angry outcry pretty well.  Fine, I didn’t need her. I’d deal with her ass later.   And she’d call back anyway- she always did.

________________________________________

Several weeks later, I still had not heard a peep from her.  After I had my staff get a new phone, I left several messages. I think I ran the gambit from apologetic, to funny and witty, to angry, to pleading, to telling her to go to hell. Wash, rinse, repeat…  All I got in return was silence.  And possibly another stomach ulcer. I’d make sure to send her the medical bill. I decided to stop contacting her.  She’d always reacted so well to being ignored.

On the other hand, the show was finally coming together. Tonight’s rehearsal had been amazing. The old feeling was back- the goosebumps when I looked through the curtain of the stage lights and saw the  dancers laughing, clapping, singing, crying.

Yeah, baby. There it was. The old magic was back.  The doubts and fears that had fueled the hard work were bearing fruit. We were a bit behind schedule, but nothing major. Time to take this show on the road. Literally.

As soon as my back hit the back of the car, a fog of fatigue swallowed me.  Every muscle burned and throbbed.  The bass line was still thumping along in my head.  Vision became blurry as the streetlights became ribbons of florescent silk and my eyelids closed, weighed down comfortably.  Good, maybe I could sleep again. I’d done pretty well the past couple of nights. The streets were empty and we made really good time.  The doc was notified to be at hand when I got home.  Despite the tiredness weighing down my limbs I feared the high from having taken flight might keep me from sleeping.  The closer we came to the house, the worse the apprehension became. 

My wonderful friends were outside the house, waiting for me. God bless them- to stand out there at almost 1 am. No matter how tired I was, I needed their love – and I needed to let them know that I valued their time.

“We don’t have to stop, you know?”

My staff never quite got it. What were a few minutes…

“No, but we do.”

And we did.

Entering the house, I went to check on the kids. They were fast asleep.  My little angles were safe and protected in their dream world. I looked around their rooms- they had started to pack for London. It was so great to see them this excited – they were looking forward to the great adventure about to begin. Perceiving all this through their eyes was worth every drop of tear and sweat. 

Before hitting the shower, I asked if I had any messages. No, of course not.  I checked the cell. Nada. That little bitch! How long was she going to play this game?  Oh, she was gonna pay for this- and I would use my own brand of revenge on her.  The thought got me even more wired. I stripped my pants and noticed my nerves were not the only things at attention. Great- maybe if I jerked off I’d get sleep. Or maybe, if Lisa wasn’t so goddamn stubborn I would have this problem in the first place. Or these problems: insomnia and a huge hard on.

I surrendered to the warmth of the water raining down on me, bracing against the shower wall, not moving for several minutes, my mind powerless to stop the cacophony of images, sounds, and thoughts thundering through my head. When the kaleidoscope became too overwhelming I forced my eyes open and reached for the soap. 

What I would not give to have her standing here with me.  She’d know how to soothe me. She was the only person who could not only calm my body but my whole being. Her hands had the magical ability to reach beneath my skin. Her mere presence was the shelter from the storm and I could hide in her, replenish, and emerge stronger.   I never fully understood what exactly she did to allow me to shed my old, crackled skin and let me grow a new armor to face the world.  All I knew was that the process of growing a new shield didn’t completely work without her. 

My hands surrounded my erection automatically, as my mind conjured images of Lisa’s eyes, daring me to take her on that incredible journey.  Her laughter, her mouth- that pout… Her lips kissing me, licking me, healing me in all the right ways.  My moan echoed between tiles, glass, and silver droplets of water, as I surrendered to the feeling. 

If I concentrated, if I blocked everything out, my mind could keep her there with me, suspended in the warm dew long enough to grant temporary relief.

A noise startled me and dropped my ass back to earth.

Fucking hell! Could a man not even jerk off in peace and quiet? Maybe the doc had arrived. Great… I didn’t want him to think I was this happy to see him.

A glance down assured me that the problem had taken care of itself. The moment had passed and the blood once again had redistributed. Ok, if that form of relief wasn’t available the doc better give me something else to provide me with some rest.  After all, I had bought his integrity for a steep price. Not as steep as he had planned, but still- it wasn’t peanuts.  Thankfully, his usefulness would expire soon.  Maybe, once I got into the rhythm of things I could once again return to a regulate sleep schedule.  And he’d have to find another gravy train to ride. 

I left the bathroom to go over to my regular bedroom to find some pj’s.  A strangely familiar scent distracted me. This was weird.  The mind was a powerful thing.  Maybe I should check into that, though. I heard olfactory hallucinations could mean bad things.  What was it again they indicated?  A brain tumor or… I better ask the doc later. 

The knock on the door almost gave me a heart attack! What was going on? They knew to leave me alone.  Everyone was supposed the leave the house after I got home and all was clear.  What a freaky night!

I ignored it and shifted through some papers, going over the contract for the shows one more time.  Finally, when I was just about certain the house would be empty of staff, I left the bedroom and headed over to where I hoped to find some sleep tonight.

I reached for the door handle.

“Michael…”

Holy shit!  I had almost jumped out of my skin.  My nerves were really shot.

I turned around to face my chief of security.

“Before you go in… I tried… But… And I came to your door but I thought you were already…”

What was with all the stammering? I was really too tired for all this.

“What- just spit it out.”  And why was he up here anyway?  He knew the rules.  I didn’t like staff up on the second floor. 

Another sound made both of us jump.  Breaking glass. What the hell?

Obviously, the doc had arrived and was making a mess inside. Could this guy do anything right? At times I really questioned the wisdom of hiring him.  Maybe I needed to make readjustments to my plan.

Maybe…

Before my mind could plot further, the door was rudely jerked open, knocking my hand off the doorknob.

What the hell?

The shock made me step back and almost knock down the man behind me. No wonder he had been stammering.  How in the world did she get here? Not just into my house, but into that room?

Instead of meeting the dark eyes of my doctor, I met a set of furious blue eyes.

You know those strange moments when God seemed to push the pause button on the divine comedy – or tragedy- that was our human existence? Well, this was one of them…

Forcing my mouth to close, I slowly turned and glared at my chief of security, who obviously knew he was about to collect unemployment.

“Boss… I’m sorry…I…”

Well, at least I knew I wouldn’t die from a brain tumor due to smelling things that weren’t there. It was not all that uncommon the smell the perfume of the person you knew the best when she was actually in your house.  Hell, in your bedroom.  Right now, the danger of dying from an aneurism was much more dire.

For me anyway.  Faheem, my security chief, was much more likely to be turning to stone.  Or salt.

“Yeah,- I think I got what you wanted to tell me. A little late, don’t you think? How ‘bout you call it a night and we talk about this tomorrow?”

“You sure, boss?”

He looked over at Lisa who was shooting daggers at me. What was her problem? Not like I broke into her house!

“Yeah, Michael, are you sure you’re ready to face me without any security around?”

If I had not been pissed this would be really funny. Even with all my weight loss, I could still handle her midget little self.  Even when she was all blustered up like a fighting cock.

“I don’t know. But maybe you need him. I don’t deal well with intruders.”

“You…” She took a step closer- sticking her finger out at me. Had she lost her mind?

Ok, time to get rid of the audience. 

“Don’t you point at me, Lisa. – Good night, for now, Faheem. We’ll talk about it tomorrow.”

“What about the doc?”

“Yeah, Michael, what about the doc? I see you got the room all ready…what the hell …”

“Shut up, woman!” I hissed at her, grabbing her arm. 
She struggled against me, trying hard to maintain some form of composure.

“When he gets here, have him wait in the study till I get him. Thank you, Good night… Oh- don’t leave all the way. The lady will need a ride home.”

“No, leave- the lady’s got a car- thank you very much.”

As the poor man turned, glancing behind him one more time, leaving us with a concerned look, my fingers tightened around her arm and I attempted to pull her toward my bedroom so we could talk. Before I kicked her out on her ass.  If I had any sense at all, I should just make her leave now.

But as usual around Lisa, my sense-meter was on empty.

She feigned compliance for about two seconds, then jerked her arm away from me, darting toward the “other” bedroom door. Fucking hell! She had absolutely no business to be sniffing around my house. What was her problem?

“Lisa- don’t you dare go back in there!”

She was already at the door and was back inside before I even reached the threshold.  Her back was toward me.  Her hand ran through her hair. She stood there frozen, shaking her head lightly.

My chest was heaving. My heart about to explode. It was not all from the race I just lost. My hand reached out and I steadied myself against the door frame.

“I thought you were in England.”

Her sarcastic laughter startled me. “You thought… oh God…you’re too much…”

She turned toward me.

Nice spin.  I almost said it out loud, but the expression on her face stopped me cold.  Her skin was pale.  Her eyes huge and dark.  There was a storm brewing and it wasn’t gonna be pretty.

“What is this, Michael?”

Our eyes locked. I didn’t like what I saw.  Anger, sadness, worry…accusation…fear…

My shoulders straightened. This was my house. She was not going to just come in here and act all superior.  She had no idea, no concept, what was going on.  And certainly no right to interrogate me. She had deserted me. Again. If she wanted answers, she was more likely to get them from an eight ball than from me.

“It’s a room.”

She laughed again. The sound never broke through to her eyes.

“A room…” Her head lowered and she shook it in frustration.

When she looked back up, there was a new energy reflected in the azure haze I could not quite name.

“A room, Michael? Really?  That’s all you gotta say?”  The pitch of her voice got higher.

I met her gaze stubbornly and raised an eyebrow.

“That’s all you gotta know.”  My voice managed to stay calm. I don’t know how, as the rest of me was in overload zone.

“This…’’ She made a sweeping hand gesture, “This is a little bit more than a room, isn’t it? It’s a fucking treatment room. What the hell is all this shit…? Have you finally lost it?”

“What it is, is my business. You got no right to be even in my house. How ‘bout you leave before I call the cops.”

Again, she shook her head, her hand raking through her hair. As she walked around, she absentmindedly pulled a ponytail holder from her wrist and tied her hair back. For a crazy second I thought how I liked that she wore it longer again. It suited her. The color was a bit lighter again, with dark highlights. Or were they darklights… She wore jeans and a casual shirt. With her back to me, I was left to inspect her new curves.  Nice…

What the hell was wrong with me to be totally taken in by her appearance without worrying about what the hell she was doing here? I should be furious. But for some reason that emotion was being monopolized her.

“I tried to call you, Lisa.” It would be difficult to miss the accusation in my voice.

Maybe she could drop the concerned act if we could make this all about her ignoring my calls.

“Uhum, I know…” Her hands touched the items in the boxes. God- suddenly it hit me how embarrassing this was.  How was I going to explain the goddamn condom catheters to her? A science experiment I was helping the kids with? 

“What is going on, Michael? What are these?”

She took another step, finding another box… “And these…” She held up the vial and read the label.

If her aliens really existed maybe they could make an entrance now and take her the hell away. Or me.  I was literally petrified as my secrets were being laid bare.

“That’s what the fuck you were talking about, right? That was the milk?  You know, I thought it sounded familiar. So, I asked around. Got in contact with some old friends.  Remembered shit you did in the past. I knew you were up to something. But shit- holy shit…. You were taking things to a totally different level this time, weren’t you?”

“I have no clue what you’re talking about. I have some physical problems, as you know. And I can’t just traipse into an ER every time I need medical attention. I’d be there all the time. And I’d cause a commotion, keeping others from getting help.”

“You’re a saint…”

And she was a bitch.

“So, I just hired a doctor. Not that it’s any of your business.”

“A real doctor? You are telling me that a real doctor is administering this shit in your house? Are you fucking nuts?  He needs to lose his license for this. It’s dangerous.”

Nothing I had not heard before. These people were so closed minded.  It was all ok. I had it covered.

“No, I am careful.”

“You’re insane- that’s what you are.”

“Lisa- I need to sleep. You have no idea- I am exerting so much energy. You know this.  You’ve been with me when I’m getting ready to perform. You know what it takes. You’ve done it yourself.  You know how difficult it is to come off the adrenaline after shows.  I will die if I don’t get rest.”

“You could very well die with this...” She slammed the vial down.  I finally noticed she had broken another one earlier. That would explain the breaking glass sound from before.

“And this…” She was yelling now. She stepped over to the IV stand and pushed it over.

“Lisa…stop it…”

I started for her, reaching for her arm before she could make more noise.  As I grabbed one arm, she extended the other and knocked the box with sealed needles to the floor, scattering everything around.

“And this fucking shit….”

Struggling to contain her before she woke up the kids and turned the room into a medical waste zone, I angled for her other wrist, and we struggled, both breathing hard.

“Let me the fuck go, Michael…let go of me…” Her voice was hushed again, preserving her energy to break free from my grasp.
“Hold the fuck still- you gonna get hurt, -stop it, Lisa.”

She was fighting in earnest now. For a second, she stilled and leaned into me, making me lose my balance, then pulled her arms back hard.  The sudden motion made me lose it and we both stumbled to the floor. I tried to prevent me from falling on her and twisted my body,  hitting my head on the footboard of the bed. 

“Fucking hell!”

We landed; me, against the bed, Lisa, thanks to my efforts to break the fall for her, across my lap. Stunned, we both stilled, my hands still locked around her wrists.  Her upper body was against mine, I felt her heart racing, her chest heaving…

At first I thought the small sounds were just from her trying to catch her breath. Relinquishing her wrist, I touched her chin and lifted her face. Tears streaked her cheeks, as she stubbornly turned her head away from me once more.

“Are you hurt?”

“No, fuckhead. I’m fine. Let me go.” She sniffled, her eyes flashing at me through a waterfall of tears. 

“Lisa…” The helpless feeling seeing her like this tightened my throat and threatened to choke me.

“I’m fine, really. I’m so frigging furious at you right now. How dare you do this? How dare you?” She cried harder. What the heck was she crying about? How dared I to do what? She was the one who broke into my house.  And now ransacked my room.

How dare I do what? Take care of myself when no one else would? When she wouldn’t anymore?

“Lisa- it’s ok…really...” I carefully reached out and touched her hair. Stupid instinct to comfort her. Nothing else…

“You know what… I should just leave.  Everything in me is screaming to leave you to your fate.”

“Then why don’t you? Why did you come here tonight?”

“I came because I got several calls from people who love you and worry about you. Kenny, Frank,…your mother… They all started to freak me out. I got that feeling…”

My mother? I know Frank and Kenny had been worried.  They had a stake in this drama.  But my mother? My heart constricted at the thought I had caused her to worry.

“I really don’t know why they worry. I’m fine.”

Lisa pulled her arm from my now light hold and I allowed it.  I thought she’d get up. Get the hell out of here and leave me alone. To my fate- as she has put it. Instead she turned, her hands gently framing my face, giving me no choice but to stay tethered to her gaze.

“No, you’re not fine. You’re thin. You look worn out. You got that look in your eyes- that haunted, hunted look, again… “

I saw her swallow.  Her eyes turned softer now, her armor thinned, granting me a view to her fears…

“Mike, you got a treatment room here with enough supplies to keep two or three small clinics in business.  You somehow found a shitbag of a doctor who is doing crap he shouldn’t be- not in someone’s house. Not without staff…”

I opened my mouth to explain it to her again. Maybe if I spoke slower she’d get the point.

Her hand came to lightly rest on my lips. Weirdly enough, out of instinct, or out of habit, I kissed her palm and she blinked.

“Shht- let me have my say.  I know you can’t sleep. And I know you feel all alone.”
“I am all alone. Ain’t I?”

She cocked her head, her eyes narrowed and she slowly shook her head.

“You’re never alone. Don’t you know that?”

Was this the same woman who weeks earlier had tried to ram her husband down my throat? This was truly an odd night.

“You made it very clear. You are married and you have your dream family.”

Her eyes, for the first time, left mine.

“Not all that glitters is gold, Mike.”

“But not all that wander are lost.”

In a different life, we both had loved that Tolkien 
poem.  Of course she had inverted the line, but it still immediately sprang into my head.

“No, but you are. And here is the catch. I can’t lose you. I can’t let you get eaten up by the same machine that killed my Dad.” Tears once again turned her eyes into colored diamonds.

Is that what was going on? She thought I was going down the same road as her Dad? Well, maybe I was.  I told her a long time ago I thought maybe our fates were strangely connected.  Maybe that’s what all this was about.

I looked around, taking in the chaos in the room. The toppled IV stand, the wrapped IV ports and needles strewn about…the broken bottle of anesthetic…

The orange bottles in the other bathroom would complete the mosaic…

It was all laid out.  The way was paved. Maybe the ending was predestined. Maybe I was racing toward it to just get it all over with.

Except…

What about my kids? What about my fans? What about-

The thought was too petrifying to finish.

Clearing my throat, I had to know. “That feeling you had…what was that about?”

“Hell if I know. I had it for a while. At first, I thought it was about feeling down about us fighting. About knowing – or thinking to know that I’d have to keep my distance from you once again. I felt like you were pulling me down again. I needed to breathe. To think. That’s why I didn’t call you back. Only, when I thought I cut the anchor, it pulled me down even deeper. I felt like suffocating.  Then the nightmares started.  A weird mixture of trying to rescue my Dad- only it was you. I ran down to…to…that bathroom…” Her voice became weighed down by a grief that was always only a heartbeat away for her.

She took a deep breath and swallowed, trying to contain her tears. My heart ached to watch her struggle.  My hand found hers, our fingers intertwining… Hers so warm, mine so cold.  How good it felt to touch her again like this. The most innocent contact. The deepest meaning…

“I screamed his name.  I tried to open the door, and it was stuck.  And when I did- I screamed his name. Only…only it was you lying there…” Her voice broke.

“Oh Lisa…”

“Yeah, I woke up- not realizing I had called out your name.  Lockwood was not amused.”

I laughed.  “Could have been worse, I guess…”

She smiled through her tears. “Well,…to tell the truth…”

How did she do it? How did she take me on this journey from anger to sadness to laughter?

“Oooh- no, don’t tell me…”

“Ok, I won’t…. Anyway…”

She turned serious again. “I couldn’t shake that feeling. You needed me. You were hurt. Something was wrong. And then, when Kenny called, I thought he was just over reacting. Till I talked to your Mom.  So- I had a huge fight with Lockwood and I flew back.”

“Did he come with you?”  There was no way I would have let her back into my personal space without a guard dog. Thank goodness other men were more careless.

“No- he said he’d have some stuff to sort out. About…about us…”

“Because you flew back to check on a friend?”

“Because I couldn’t guarantee him you wouldn’t be more…”

Hope spread its poisonous gas- disguised as the sweetest scent.  Was this my punishment?

I shook my head and noticed the throbbing pain for the first time. I reached up and my fingers came away with some blood.

“Michael!” Lisa noticed it as well, and immediately went to inspect my head.

“I guess I bumped my head when you tackled me.”

“Let me see… Shit, you got a pretty good bump- and a small cut.”

“Come on…” She rose, pulling me up with her.  “Let me clean it up. Where is the bathroom?”

Getting up, my legs felt like jelly and the dizziness kept the room spinning around me. It had all been just too much.  The thrill of the rehearsal, the surprise to find Lisa, the fight…the conversation.  Almost too much to take in. I grabbed a bottle of Gatorade stashed in the corner of the room before leaving. 

She supported me as I walked her to the bathroom.  Sitting down on the tub, she looked around, taking in the bottles of meds on the tub, but not saying another word. She found the peroxide and some antibiotic salve and started to clean up the cut.  I never had seen her as my nurse. Not for real anyway.  That was one scenario we stayed away from for obvious reasons. But I kinda liked the reality of her taking care of me like that.

“Where is the doc now?”

Shit- he probably still was in the study.

“Downstairs, probably- why? Is it bad?”

I flinched as she dabbed around the cut with a cotton ball.

“No, I think you will live.”

“Why’d you ask then?”

“Send him away, Michael.”

“Lisa- I still need to sleep- and...I might be dehydrated.”

“Send him away and I stay here with you.  If you still feel faint in the morning, I’ll take you to the hospital myself.”

I tried to decipher her expression. She gave me nothing. As a matter of fact, she evaded me and kept busy with my head.

“Lisa…”

She decided to play hardball and applied more peroxide. “Ouch!” She was so fired as my nurse!

I grabbed her hand.

Finally she looked at me again.

Automatically, my thumb started to circle the tender skin on the inside of her wrist, feeling the silky texture, feeling the increase in her pulse rate. No thought…just pure instinct taking over, pushing my overtaxed rational mind out of the driver seat…

“What?”

“You’ll stay?”

Somehow my voice had dropped an octave.  She blinked and bit her lip.

“That’s what I said.”

What did that mean? She would stay for tonight? Then leave me twisting in agony again? And the real crazy thing was even if that was it- I was teetering at the verge of thinking that was not a bad plan.

Touching her like this, having her standing so close, inhaling her, feeling her warmth… it all beat the hell out of my doctor and his needles. Electric currents started to shoot down my fingers and into my arm- then spreading like a fiery spider net across my chest and down to my groin.

I stared at her, willing her to feel the energy. Needing her to be on the same page with me. Attempting to root her in place, making an escape impossible. 

“For tonight?”

“For as long as you need me to fight this…” She motioned across to the orange bottles and the other room. “This madness…”

“What about your husband?” My hand now ran up both her arms, her goosebumps attesting to the transference of electric tension. 

“Call him off, Michael…” Her voice was a husky whisper.  When my gaze fell to her chest, I knew by her tightened nipples, she was not thinking of her husband.

Madness.  She was right.  It was.  Lunacy in its purest form.  If I jumped again, I could be pulverized. If I made her leave, I would die. Suddenly I understood that this night was a turning point- hopefully sent to me my divine intervention.  Free will. A great gift. Should I stay the course and put my trust in a hired stranger, or should I once again trust the mercurial creature before me, known to slip from my desperate grasp and disappear?

I reached for the phone.  The  doc sounded surprised- then not totally unhappy that I gave him the night off. From what I had seen he had a busy social life anyway.  Maybe he’d soon have more time to attend to his high-strung girlfriend.

Lisa’s eyes never left me as I made the call.  As I hung up, she matter of factly returned to finishing the application of Neosporin.

“There- all better.”

“Aren’t you gonna kiss it?”

I grabbed her arms again, pulling her closer into the V of my legs.  Her knee brushed my growing erection, making it more pronounced. My body seemed to remember it’s arousal from earlier and was only too happy to react to her presence.  Every cell in my body was programmed to her aura. 

Lisa bent forward and lightly kissed my head. My hands had roamed up her arms and were now on her shoulders.

“Better?”

“It hurts here, too, I think…” I pointed to a spot on my forehead and her hot lips made contact with the lightest touch, setting the spot on fire.

“And here…” I pointed to my cheek, and she kissed it, then for good measure, ventured to the other side. 

“How ‘bout there?” Her fingers brushed my jaw.

Another trail of fire set. Little firestarter.

“Uhum…”

“And there…” This time, her finger made contact with my lips, and I placed a soft kiss on it, before she leaned down and kissed me so softly I could have mistaken her lips for the wings of butterflies. 
Chaos theory was proven true- the softest motion of a butterfly, causing a hurricane inside me. And an electric storm…

My hands wandered from her shoulders down her back- ever so slowly before settling on her waist.   
Then, while we almost chastely kept up our little pecks, I started the journey up her ribcage, pushing the shirt up as I approached her chest. Lisa’s lips traveled down to my jaw and then my neck, this time, letting her tongue trace my racing pulse.  I grabbed her shirt and pulled it over hear head, revealing a thin, silky black bra, shrouding her gorgeous breasts, barely holding them in. Motherhood really became her.  My throat was dry- this time not from dehydration. She was so beautiful.

For a second we stared at each other.  Captured by her eyes, my hands continued their journey, cupping her breasts, rubbing the distending nipples through the material with my thumbs. Her moan drew my eyes to her mouth, and I needed to kiss her more than I needed to take my next breath.

Time for tenderness had passed. I captured her lips in a hungry open kiss, and she aggressively met my tongue.  No longer satisfied to feel her skin through the silky barrier, I reached behind her and opened the clasp of her bra.

Somehow it felt like the first time. When our eyes met, I read insecurity in hers. 

“Oh, God, you are so beautiful… More than ever…”

“Michael…”

Again, I pulled her head toward me, our tongues dancing, rubbing, circling… My hand delighting in the touch of her swollen breast, finding her nipples, teasing and pinching until her moans caused her to break the kiss.

Pulling her up I continued to kiss every hot spot I could find. I pushed her against the door toward my bedroom, kissing and biting her neck, hungrily licking her skin, needing to feed off her to prove that she was really here. 

Her hands roamed under my shirt now, and I felt as if a million volts raced from her fingers over my skin, causing me to shiver and moan against her. 

She pulled my shirt off and I froze. Would she still want me? Old insecurities snuck back into the space between us. Lisa kissed down my neck, my clavicle, down my sternum, and toward my nipples.  The result was a painful reaction in my lower region.  Guess she didn’t have a problem with my weight loss.  I reached behind her and opened the door. We made it to the wall on the inside of the bedroom, this time she pushed me against it, my back colliding with the cold wall, as her hands snuck under the elastic of my pajamas, reaching behind, grabbing my ass.

“We need to make sure we feed you more, baby. I can’t have you lose that marvelous ass.”

“I’ll do whatever you want- as long as you keep yours.”  Grabbing onto her round globes, I pulled her into me, gyrating against her, showing her the source of my agony. Thank goodness I had been smart enough to put on pjs. I would be seriously hurt in jeans by now.  Which was not to mean those  garments didn’t have to come off- and soon. 

Lisa read my mind and her hands now traveled to the front of my physique- finding my huge hard-on.  Her fingers closed around my staff, and her eyes flew up to meet mine.

“Well, I never have to worry about your cock getting smaller, do I Daddy?”

“Not while you’re around…”

When she grabbed it with the pressure I needed and let the soft skin glide along the iron core, I sighed against her mouth once again. How was it possible that every time we hooked up it felt so much more incredible than the hottest, most spectacular memories we already had?

I walked her toward the bed.  The back of her legs hit the mattress and she sat down.  Getting a familiar naughty glint in her eyes, she pulled my pants down and I stepped out of them.  I was about to join her on the bed, when she shook her head.

Oh God, she was going to kill me. And I preferred this kind of death to anything she tried to save me from.

She licked her lips and seeing her tongue against the ruby, moist skin almost made me cum. My penis jumped in her hand, and she guided it to her lips, forcing me to close my eyes. It was too much. I needed a second to compose myself as her held me at the base, angling me up, licking up the hard shaft with a raspy motion, lingering at the top. She licked the precum she had forced out before dipping into the small opening, driving me insane.  Just when I thought I could not take it, she backed off, and returned to the base- licking up the other side. Oh God!

I thought I had enough of a grip to open my eyes again, only to drown in the storm raging in the blue depths.  Her lips engulfed me this time, and my hands came to rest on her head, holding her in place, while my hips met her in rhythmic thrusts.

So good… Too good….

“Lise….baby….gosh….back off….” I pulled her back by the shoulders and she surrendered her grasp, falling back against the bed.

“You don’t mind if I take these off, do y’a?” Her hands came to the top of her jeans.

I shook my head. “Go ahead. Wouldn’t want my company to be uncomfortable.”

“Yeah,  you’re such a great host.”

“Take ‘em off, Lise. Stop talking.”

That pout.  That naughty smile… The sparkle in her eyes.  How exactly had I made it through all those lonely nights without her?

In a teasing motion she slowly undid the button, then slid the zipper down link by link.  Subconsciously, I reached for myself.  

“That’s right, Daddy. Keep that thing nice and hard for me…”

“Oh, you’re gonna get it nice and hard alright… If you ever get those pants off…”

She lifted her hips and wiggled out of her jeans. All while staying down. How did women do that? She kicked them off and spread her legs, cutting my musings short.  Holy shit!

She was soaking wet. The outline of her swollen sex was clear under the thin scrap of silk.  Her hands ran down her belly toward the waistband.

I stroked myself faster and harder.

“Seems you’re a little wet, baby…” My voice was a raspy whisper.

She raised an eyebrow. “No, your vision must be going. I’m very wet. And it’s all for you baby.  Her fingers traveled down to her crotch, then down her tights. Gosh- she was driving me absolutely mad.

Not able to stand it any longer, I kneeled down before her on the bed. I grabbed her wrists and pinned them to the side of her body. No more teasing. I was taking over. She squealed and wiggles while bending her knees, her feet planted on the bed now, her legs spread wide for me. Holding her still, I slid to the floor again, then brought my face closer to the black silk.  I could smell her spicy arousal and it drove me insane. At the last moment, when I knew she could already feel my breath on her sex, I bent me head and kissed her quivering thighs instead.  She moaned and tried to wiggle her ass toward my mouth. Oh no, lady- you played long enough. My turn to show you exactly what you were playing at.

I kissed her other thigh, tracing the goosebumps, licking and biting the soft skin, hearing her sigh and moan, calling out my name.

“What ‘cha want, baby girl?”

“Take it off, Mike…please…”

“Why would I do that?” I spoke so close to her cunt, I knew she’d feel the heat.  I was a dragon about to set my lady on fire.

“When I can eat you just fine like this?” My mouth finally made contact with her- through the thin, soaked material, placing an open mouth kiss against her opening, letting my tongue trace the pouting lips, enjoying her small screams and gasps.  The tip of my tongue found her clit- and the taste of her arousal filtered through the black silky barrier as I used it to torture the sensitive nubbin. 

“Oh fuck…Michael…holy shit…”

Time to up the ante…  My teeth found the growing bundle of nerves and at the same time, my tongue circled the pouring opening once again.

I could feel her hands tightening, fisting the sheets beneath her, and surrendered my hold on her, knowing she’d stay anchored in place as she started to fly apart. Her spasm started, and I used my fingers to finally push the panties to the side, entering her with two fingers as she screamed my name, her walls going into spasms, as I drank her fluids, quenching my thirst while she rode out the waves of her climax.  I matched my administrations to her movements, prolonging her feverish movements and sounds, then backing them off, sliding my body along hers, pulling her close.  Her eyes opened and scorched me with their intensity. 

“I need you. I need you so much, Lisa.”

“You got me- make love to me, Michael… I’m right here, baby.”

She didn’t have to tell me twice.  Her legs opened and I grabbed her ass, pulling her up for me, as she held me captive with her legs.  She reached for me and placed me at her opening. 

“Ready?”

 She better be, as I was not sure how long I could hold back before all the control strings would snap.

“More than ready. Give it to me… Make me yours… I love you…”

Shit- that was it. Any plans of going slow went out the window. Lust, desire, pain, hope, love- dangerous fuel. I surged into her heat and all rational thought ceased.  She was the beginning and the end. If loving her would prove to by my destruction so be it. Right now,  all I felt was that every thrust, every moan, every breath I forced into my lungs hurled me closer to salvation.

Rising on my knees, I pulled her even closer. My hands found hers and our fingers interlocked as I held her arms above her head, driving into her, branding her as mine, claiming her all over again. Our eyes spoke the ancient promise, vowing to never let go.  I felt her coming apart, the blazing desire painting her body a gorgeous hue of pink, her swollen walls gripping me tightly. 

When I felt the wave threatening to take me under, I took one more breath, forcing my body to release all tension, allowing myself to become pure feeling.  The explosion took my breath away, I shuddered against her, releasing into her body as she forced every drop of my essence from me.  Finally, drained, weak, sweating, I fell against her, whispering my love for her over and over.

Lisa wrapped her arms around me, holding me close.  I don’t know why, but suddenly, I felt like a newborn baby.  Helpless and vulnerable.  I didn’t even notice I was crying until I felt her whispering the words I never thought I’d hear again.

“Shhht…it’s ok. I’m here.  You’ll make it.  You’re not alone anymore.  We got this…”

And then the miracle happened.  I fell asleep.

We made love several more times that night. Every time I woke up, I reached for her. She was my lifeline. And each time I almost passed out into a deep, dreamless state of replenishment.

When I woke up, one glance to the clock sent me reeling. Shit! It was after 2 pm! And I was alone.

Had it all been a horrible dream? I still smelled her on my skin- but maybe it was a brain tumor after all…

Lisa entered the room with a tray.

“Hey…”

“Hey, you. I thought I had dreamt it all.”

“Well, you will wish you had.”

“Say what?”

“I called Kenny and you’re off today.  And then we gotta talk.”

“About you leaving?”

I knew it- this was another bootie call and she’d be out of here. Well, she better be prepared for a fight this time.

“Leaving? No, I told you.  I’m staying. But we gotta clean up this mess. It’ll take a while.”

“I don’t have a while. Do you know how much money I stand to lose if I delay the schedule?”

“Do you know that you have a very rich friend who doesn’t give a flying fuck how much it will cost as long as we get you straightened out?”

“Oh, we’re back to being friends?” I winked at her.

“Eat your eggs.” She took a bite of toast.

“Lisa?”

“Eggs! And orange juice.”

Pushy broad.  I took a bite of the eggs and drank my juice.  There. Maybe I’d get an answer now.

“What’s wrong with us being friends?”

Nothing. Everything.

“It’s a fucking lie.”

“Watch your mouth, Michael. That cursing has to stop.”

I almost choked. Who was this woman?

“And we gotta talk about that chef of yours.”

“Why?”

“She’s cute.”

“So?”

“Hm…” Lisa took another bite of toast. 

“I bet she was a bit surprised to see you.”

“You might say that. I told her I was a house guest.”

“Are you?”

“Kinda.”

“Shoot- what about the kids?”

“Oh, we got re-acquainted. They want to meet the twins…”

“Lisa- shoot there is so much to deal  with…”

She put down her fork.

“Do you want to? Deal with it? Stop running?”

“I’m not the one running.”

“Ok, if I start to deal with the mess of my marriage will you deal with the stuff you use to avoid the pain?”

“Deal with your marriage…what does that mean?”

If she’d say reconcile with Blond Beauty I would throw up my eggs.

“I love you Michael. I don’t know why, but I feel like I came so close to losing you. For good.”

“Lisa- I’m right here.”

“And I intend to see you stay right here. With me.”

“With you? Please tell me that does not mean we will move Lockwood in.”

She laughed. “No, it doesn’t. But you might have to start changing diapers again.”

“He uses diapers?”

Lisa threw the napkin at me this time.

God- was she saying what I thought she was?

“Lisa- are you leaving him?”

“I never was close enough to leave. We have the twins- but he knows…he knows, Michael…”

“That you love me.”

For some reason I didn’t think it needed to be phrased as a question.

“Yeah, egomaniac. That I love you.”

“Convenient. Given I love you, too.”

“So, if I help you cover the expenses, do you promise to get off whatever stuff you’re been on. We find you a real doctor and some ugly nurses to fuss over you…”

“You make it sound so… tempting.”

“Michael?”

Did she really have to ask? Didn’t she know?  I could do this.  Suddenly the weight of the world was lifted. It all made sense again.  I did it before- with her by my side. And I’d do it again.

After I took a shower, we went downstairs.  I grabbed the paper off the table.  Oh, no!

Farah Fawcett’s picture smiled at me from the front page.  How horribly sad.  Today, June 25, 2009, heaven had gained another gorgeous angel, and her earthly suffering was finally over.

Suddenly, I felt as if an angel was walking over my grave.  I shuddered. Then- Lisa’s laughter distracted me and my eyes fell into the family room, where Lisa made friends with Blanket, sitting on the floor, completing a puzzle with him. Maybe taking today off was a great idea after all.

Maybe today would be the beginning of a new start. A ray of light fell through the window, warming me, chasing the coldness I just experienced away.  

“Hey, Daddy. Miss Lisa said she also loves to watch Lord of the Rings. She even knows the poem I like.” Paris came running and hugged me tightly. My eyes found Lisa again. She smiled, the warmth illuminating her entire being.

There it was.  That was the fire I had missed.  The eternal flame, woken once again from the ashes. And suddenly I knew: I would work for the rest of my life to make sure it would never be extinguished again.

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.

J.R.R Tolkien “Lord of the Rings”

THE END

©2011 Erika B Michaels. All Rights Reserved. This story is a work of fiction. Any names, places, and other identifying features are used in a fictional manner, for entertainment purposes only, and are in no way representative of actual events. This work may not be reproduced, copied, transmitted, or stored without expressed written permission by Erika B Michaels. All photos and images, mentioned songs or song titles are copyright their creators. ABSOLUTELY no disrespect is intended to any persons portrayed in this work.