24
(Author's note: Ok, I know I left everyone hanging last time, so I rushed to update. This is a heavy chapter- hang in there, things will get lighter again. But I didn't want you bored with all the happiness two chapters ago.. :) When you read this- keep in mind things aren't always as they seem. The feelings Michael is expressing on a certain topic are not necessarily my own- but are my artistic interpretation of what he would have felt in this situation. Hang in there- and thanks for reading!)
"How long are you going to stare at that picture?"
Did she really have to sneak in on him all the time? What ever happened to boundaries? Oh, that's right, she never had been able to observe them. Seemed to be a pattern with the women in his life.
"Grace, do you mind? How about you not sneak up on me and invade my privacy."
"I'm not. I'm doing my job, making sure you don't neglect yourself into a coma."
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but you're the kids’ nanny, not mine."
"Well, if you showed any evidence that you could take care of yourself I'd back of."
"I'm an adult. And bothering me is not in your job description. You act like a pesty wife. Which you are not. If I needed a wife, I'd get one."
"Except, you're stuck on insanity and keep casting the same misfit. How about you stop torturing yourself?"
How about you jump off a tall building.
The ugly and unkind thought brought to mind just how deep his anger ran. And how twisted and dark his brain had been programmed to be. Good job demons- they had not been able to defeat him, but the subversion had worked anyway. He was one of them.
Of course, he realized the main reason he was upset at Grace was that she was absolutely right. Somehow, he was stuck in some kind of cycle of self-injury and denial, and Lisa was his weapon and false hope. Only she was capable of inducing that uppermost, euphoric, blinding high followed, as usual, by a quick dip into the deepest circle of hell.
So, who's to blame, Mike? Is it really Lisa’s fault you never can reject that trip into heaven and the predictable descent to dance with Satan?
And yet, while being well aware he was the creator of his own misery he had spent the past hours staring at the image of her and Riff Raff in a tight embrace. And, no, this was not some grainy picture taken with a lens as big as a cannon... No, she did not even have the decency to hide her betrayal. According to Julia, this little tete-a-tete had taken place in the waiting room of Tom's office in L.A. Classy and nonchalant as always. Lisa didn’t sneak around. She believed in publicity, despite her claims to hate her fame. Why, though, dally in plain sight of Julia?
Julia. Another conundrum. What exactly were her motives? Despite her innocent and classy claims to be perfectly accepting of how everything that had gone down, he was not the idealistic, wide-eyes idiot of the past. Back then, he whole-heartedly had believed in the inherent good in people who told bold faced lies to his face, grinning, and jabbering about their love and devotion for him. Now, sadly, he expected betrayal and scams. Lisa being the obvious exception to that rule. She, once again, had snuck under the protective cloak. Why, oh why, had he not just stuck to his guns and kept her the hell away? He could have indulged in her body and still put her outside with the trash in the morning. Once again the thought that his brothers and his father got it right made his skin crawl. He was willing to bet a fortune they were not plagued by thoughts and doubts- those only come when you are willing to offer your heart in love and hope.
His first thought when Julia had sent the picture was that she was full of shit and probably wanted to get back at him for going after Lisa again. However, that thought was followed by a tsunami of flashbacks: Lisa having the room set for a special night with Lockwood. Lisa with the ‘fuck me’ face on Cage’s motorcycle. Lisa with John Oh-so-insignificant. Lisa draped over others he did not care to remember. And of course Danny- over and over Danny- the perpetual thorn in his side.
Lisa marrying Danny. Lisa swearing to him she would leave her marriage when she arrived at Neverland with baby Riley. How pitiful she had been: a crying, shaking mess. Taking her in, he had been certain she finally had come to her senses. Only to find her gone soon afterwards, back with Danny.
I can’t, Mike. He’s my husband. I got the baby. I gotta try. Don’t hate me, please.
Oh, how he had hated her, indeed! He had redefined his world for her. He had broken every rule he had set for himself, had changed every definition of honor and decency to be able to adjust living against every value he had been raised with. And yet, it never had been good enough. He was never enough. Still, he kept caving in, kept being taken in by blue, lying eyes, and a body he confused with the gate to heaven. Carnal pleasure disguised as a connection of souls. If only Lisa had a soul to connect with.
She kept returning. Every time he thought himself healed, she tore out the stitches and re-infected him. Total immunity to any defense mechanism.
The images kept coming: Lisa, promising to file for divorce, weeks before informing him she was pregnant with Danny's child. The fury whirling him around like a rag in a full spin cycle should have sufficed to swear her off forever. He had forced her to take a paternity test, and he'd never forget Danny's snide remark the day he had come to see him at the studio. The day after Lisa informed him Danny, indeed was the father.
"Hope that is enough for you to stay away, Jackson. You're just not important enough for her to leave me. We have a life and a family. You had a fling. She's wild. But she will always come back to me. Deal with it. Have some pride, man!"
Danny was not quite as snide when Lisa actually put actions behind her promises after they reconnected that night at Brett's house shortly following Benjamin’s birth. Sure, Brett had tricked him into attending. Yet, he still showed up even though he had found out Lisa would be there. So powerful was the addiction that he fooled himself into believing he had been cured from Lisa-induced malaria, lying to himself that he could see her as just a friend. Sure, he could help her professionally without becoming entangled again. Easy is pie! One thing he had overlooked: he had never been disentangled. Two days later, she showed up at his place in town.
When he had opened the door, there was no surprise to see her. She was leaning against the doorframe, her face hidden by her hair, as she seemingly studied the pattern of the floor. Slowly raising her head, her gaze met his and she shot him that crooked smile. In response, he stepped to the side, meeting her eyes, raising an eyebrow in question. Amazing how the whole interchanged happened through purely non-verbal communication, yet they perfectly understood.
Stepping in, Lisa reached for his hand and firebombs blasted through him at the contact, setting him on fire, incinerating any thoughts of being friends. Ashes of his resolve cascaded around him like sparkling confetti. Big Bang and End of the World all in one. The sound of the door slamming shut, accompanied the rattling of the gates imprisoning the last shards of sanity. She had pulled him toward the bedroom, but he dragged her toward him first, then pushed her hard against the wall, needing to prove that he was in charge and that this was happening as a matter of his choice. Delusions of control.
Before everything was buried under the sound of raging waves, he heard her breathe her oaths of leaving her marriage. Not that it mattered. Her fingers had been on his pants and within seconds he found relief for his pain in the liquefied molten heat of her body, held in the vice of her thighs, his kisses sucking up her moans of love like the earth soaking rain after a long drought. That time she had come though. The lone exception to the rule.
After that- more treachery as she left with Danny to make a point. Later, the string of losers was seemingly never-ending. Some actors made surprise re-appearances, others were re-casts in the role of barb to get under his skin. The news of her marriage to Cage did not even suffice to surprise him. When Lisa felt un-loved or ignored, she had had to reach out and fuck someone, proving to herself just how unloved she would be as a result. Then she could dive into the pool of self pity and guilt, fueled by rituals supplied the lunatics she was funneling money to.
Oh, he fully understood her motives. No, correction: usually, he understood her motives. This time, he was thrown. What the hell was going on? Things were coming together. There was a noticeable change in her. How wrong could he have been? She had seemed excited about their immediate plans. How accomplished an actress was she? Her voice really had been full of hope and love when he talked to her last. It was obvious, she missed him. What changed in a matter of hours? He was pretty sure it had little to do with Lockwood's wonderful charms. This was all about Lisa and her dysfunction.
The little girl lost in her search for protection and love was still very much under her tough exterior. However, he had stopped years ago to accept explanations for her behaviors as valid excuses. Her tendency to sabotage her progress and their happiness was tiresome and infuriating. Especially, after she had gone through all the trouble to allow himself to lower his guard. Maybe the thrill of the challenge had evaporated faster than the smog lifting over the city of demons. Toxic environment for toxic people. And she was obviously more poisonous than he had known. Was Lockwood the new windmill she wanted to conquer? Well, he'd be damned if he'd play Sancho to her Don Quixote.
Something was of off though. Maybe it was a dissonant tone in Julia's voice when she called him. Any time someone starts off with "I really hate to do this to you, but…" his stomach immediately dropped. First of all, he knew a boulder was about to be dropped on him, and second, he could be pretty sure the bearer of such news had an agenda. So far, Julia seemed to be nothing but wonderful and understanding. Still, had she not, in a little side note stated she'd be there for him should things with Lisa not work out? And now, suddenly, she sent evidence that Lisa was cheating? A little convenient, maybe…
"How come you happened to be there?"
"Me? You know I work for Tom. I had stopped by to drop some papers off."
A coincidence? It was possible. But was it likely? Why did people always assume he was an idiot?
"So, ok, maybe it was a friendly hug."
"Sure. Could be."
If she thought that was the case, she'd hardly have sent the picture. Her tone attested to her doubts.
"I'm still confused about why you took the picture”
"I don't know, Michael. Why are you grilling me? We are friends and I felt you should have all the information about someone who might be playing you. You can't fault me for looking out for you."
It sure was a good plan to guard against being played. Especially by someone who might have an agenda.
He almost laughed. Lisa would be so proud! Wasn't this something she always harped about in her rants about how he was too trusting?
"Michael, are you listening?"
Was Grace still in the room? Gosh, she was persistent! Why could she not buzz off and do her job?
"Are the children in bed?"
"They are fine."
“Which is not what I asked. Are they in bed?”
“Yes, Michael, I am sure they are.”
"What? Are you psychic now? You have been standing behind me for what seems like hours. How do you have any idea how they are? If you feel you cannot perform your duties as assigned, I suggest you don't bother unpacking and I can get you back to the States right away."
“You will be sorry you treat me like this. I have always been there for you. I scooped you up more than once. What has she ever done but hurt you? Fine, I go and you can wallow in your misery. I’m tired of your sickness already.”
“Then leave. No one is making you stay.”
Finally, she huffed out of the room. When he shrugged his shoulders he could feel the tension holding him tied in knots. No wonder, it felt as if he’d suffered from whiplash. One second he was angry, disappointed, sick to his stomach at feeling betrayed. The next moment, he questioned himself about going by Julia's word only. All he had was the picture. And he knew better than anyone that pictures could lie.
The most reasonable course of action was to talk things out with Lisa. However, for some reason, he had not been able to reach her. Why was she not taking is calls? At first he had reasoned she was busy.
She wasn't too busy hugging Lockwood.
Closing his eyes he discovered the image was burned onto his retina.
Maybe the reason she was not calling back was that she knew he could read the guilt in her voice. If indeed she had something to be guilty about. He felt like throwing something. This back and forth was driving him crazy!
Earlier, he had transferred the picture from his phone to the computer. He clicked the edit button one more time, enlarging it. Zooming in on Lisa's hand holding on to Lockwood's flimsy t-shirt, he noticed she wore a ring. He swallowed. How had he not noticed this before?
This was their ring.
The ring he had presented her with a million years ago in the Neveland library. The ring that lit up her eyes like a thousand chandeliers reflecting sparkling candlelight. The ring that made her yell out a string of yes-es. The ring that sent her flying into his arms, crying.
"Girl, if I'd known I'd make you cry, I wouldn't have given it to you."
She had punched him playfully, smiling through the tears that rendered her gorgeous eyes treasure chests full of sapphires and diamonds, outshining any man-made piece of jewelry.
"Oh yeah? You bonehead! It's not about the ring- you could give me the top of a soda can and I'd wear it. I'm crying 'cause it's finally gonna happen. Despite everything I'd put you through. Despite it all...you actually wanna marry me."
"I wanted to marry you for a while, in case you forgot. It’s just kinda hard to convince you. So I thought I'd better get you while I can. So, can you say yes one more time and hold still for a moment so I can put this on you?"
Her smile would have illuminated the dark side of the earth. She extended her hand to him, and he sank to his knee one more time. He placed the symbol of their never-ending connection on her hand and she swore she' d never take it off. The end of the fairy tale. A perfect fade-out to the perfect romantic movie. When actually, it had been the beginning of the perpetual nightmare.
So, why in all that was holy would she be in the arms of another man, wearing his ring? Once again, his eyes looked at her hand. Funny, looking at it now, it didn't seem as if she was clutching on to the guy in a passionate embrace. Her fingers were stiff, braced against Lockwood's chest. Was she pushing him away? He clicked the mouse again, zooming in more. Sure enough, she definitely seemed to be pushing against him.
If only he could see her face! Her head was turned away from the camera, slightly bent back. The next frame sure would be helpful. Would it show her getting closer, leaning into the dude, kissing him, or would it find her pulling away?
Was it really any use to drive himself batty over this? Only one thing would clear this up.
He pulled out his phone, trying again, trying to not pass out as his pulse quickened.
"Hey, there. Hope you know who you called. You got me- but I'm not sure I wanna talk to you. Do what comes next and I'll catch y'a later."
He really started to hate that damn voicemail.
"Lisa. Could you please call me back? I left a million messages. We need to talk. I'm trying hard to not jump to conclusions here, but you're making it difficult. Call me."
Frustration held him prisoner and he threw the phone into the couch behind him.
"Daddy?"
The little voice made him jump out of his chair. Great. Wonderful example to throw things.
“Paris, baby-girl. What’s going on? I thought you were in bed.”
Great job, Grace. Your ass is so out of here!
Michael turned to pick Paris up and take her over to the couch with him, when suddenly, his vision went dark and the strongest feeling of incredible panic gripped his whole being. Pure, scalding fear filled him like boiling iron. Automatically, he reached out and steadied himself on the desk.
“Daddy, are you ok?”
His daughter’s voice seemed to coming from outside a dark, cold tunnel. Trying to blink the darkess away, the experience of walls closing in on him threatened to bury him. His pulse raced and sweat started to drip from his pores.
Where are you? I need you!
What the hell? This was not Paris’s voice. Lisa?
The grip on his heart increased as the tunnel constricted around him. This was it. Was death going to come for him now? Was it all coming to an end like this- and was his child to bear witness to his demise?
A moment before passing out he forced his lungs to expand, allowing air to once again supply oxygen. A buzzing tingling sensation spread from his chest to his head, not unlike blood rushing back into a numb limb. No, this was not going to go down infront of Paris. He was not going to pass out. He was safe. It was ok. Maybe repeating the mantra would make it true.
Lisa. Something was wrong with Lisa.
Michael, man, get a grip. Lisa is fine. At the very worst she is shagging the scarecrow and you will kick her out of your life once and for all. At best, she gave the guy a nice good-bye hug and you need to talk to her about how you’d like her to stay away from the pack of losers she had been hanging out with.
And yet his nervous system was going absolutely nuts.
“Daddy, you’re scaring me. Do you need me to get Grace? Please, say something!”
The desperation in Paris’ voice was the fuel to the machinery that allowed him to calm down. Continued deep, abdominal breaths forced the tunnel to open and finally light filtered back into his world. He straightened, running his hands through his hair. He had absolutely no clue what had brought on the horrifying episode. Must have been the stress of the past couple of hours.
“Paris, baby. Can you get me a glass of water? Don’t say anything to Grace if you see her, though. She’ll just fuss, ok?”
Paris dashed out of the room and he used the moment to compose himself. He also retrieved his phone and placed one more call.
“Michael- so good to hear from you. Everything ok?”
“Tom, yeah, I hope so. Listen, I know Lisa came by today. Have you heard from her afterwards at all? When did she leave? I’ve been trying to call her and I’m getting worried.”
“Lisa? Yes, she was here and met with Bill. I hear there was a little fuss about this guy she’s been hanging out with- what’s his name…Lockhart or something- showing up. She was not pleased, Bill said. But no, I have not heard from her since.”
She was not pleased? Well, that was the best news he had in hours. Unless she only pretended to be not pleased when Tom’s employee found her.
Eventually, you have to decide if you trust her or not.
Yeah, no shit.
“Really? Ok. Well, if you do- could you please have her call me right away?”
“Hey, you know what? Julia might know.”
“Julia?”
“Yeah, Lisa asked me for Julia’s number. Something about wanting to thank her for a call Julia place to her.”
Well, this was getting odder and odder.
Michael thanked Tom and, before putting the phone down tried calling Riley.
Voicemail.
What in the world was wrong with answering your phone these days?
“Riley, it’s Michael. Please have your Mom call me. I gave her my new number earlier. I can’t seem to get in touch with her. Hope to see you soon. Love you!”
Paris came into the room and handed him his water before she sat down next to him, snuggling up into his arms.
“Daddy, are you sick again?”
Her voice cut him deeply. During the trial, there were days when he could not make it out of bed. The very thought of living had been burdensome and he had been trapped in darkness. Quite literally.
The kids had been told he was sick. How was he ever going to get over the guilt for what he had to put them through?
“No, baby. I think I just got dizzy from being jetlagged from the flight.”
Small arms tightened around him. He caressed her soft hair, holding her close. She still smelled like a little baby.
“That’s good, Daddy. I am dizzy, too. My ears are a bit better, though.”
“Oh, that’s good. Is that why you’re not sleeping?”
“Kinda.”
“Kinda? What does that mean?”
“Well, my stomach hurts, too. I don’t feel well.”
“Did you con’ the staff for sweets again?”
The blue eyes shone up at him innocently.
“No, Daddy.”
“Well, what can we do to make it better, baby-girl?”
”Can you sing to me?”
She was such a little angel. How wonderful to still live in a world where a hug and a song made everything ok.
He sang to her quietly and she relaxed against him.
Three songs later, Michael picked her up and carried her back to her bed. He tucked her in, and sat down next to her. Her eyes were closed and he brushed a strand of hair from her face. Another bang of guilt as he wondered if he had injured his children by depriving them of a mother. Or was it worse to have introduced Lisa into their lives when he had no idea if she could be trusted with their fragile hearts, let alone his own.
Michael leaned in and kissed her cheek, getting ready to leave the room. Suddenly, the small hand reached out and held his wrist.
“Daddy, is not telling something the same as lying?”
What a strange question.
“That depends. It can be. What makes you ask that?”
“Well, I know you told us we always should tell the truth and that lying was a sin. And that we always can tell you anything.”
Worry immediately settled. Had something happened? How preoccupied had he been with his own worries that he had neglected his children to a point where they felt unsure about filling him in on events?
“Baby, you can always tell me everything. And if I need to know something, you gotta fill me in.”
“Even if it might make you mad?”
“Especially if it might make me mad.”
Paris was silent for a moment and chewed on her bottom lip. Funny, - he recognized that gesture as his own. Patiently he gave her the time she needed.
“Well, earlier, when you were in the shower your phone rang. And I answered it.”
Why did he have a feeling where this was going? Oh Paris, what are you up to these days?
“Did I get a call?”
“Yes. Miss Lisa called. She…ah..she said she missed you. And to call her back.”
The small head was lowered in shame and she did not make eye-contact.
What in the world had happened to his little angel to make her deceptive like this? He obviously had made her feel very insecure. How sad that his daughter even for one second doubted that she was first in his life.
“Miss Lisa called? Why did you not tell me, sweetie? This is not like you at all.”
His voice stayed warm and tender, and it pained him to see the worry in her eyes. Relief mingled with his concern for his child. Lisa had called. That had to be a good sign...
“Are you disappointed in me, Daddy?”
Raising her head, tears swam in the gorgeous eyes.
No, baby, I am mad at myself for having backed you into a corner like that.
“Of course not. You could never disappoint me. I love you. But I am a bit surprised that you did not tell me. Miss Lisa is probably very worried by now, wondering why I have not called her back.”
Well, to be truthful, if she was all that worried she might have answered her phone. Unless something was wrong. Everything inside him screamed that something was very wrong indeed.
No, the only thing wrong was that she stepped out on him yet again. She had not been able to keep her promise and her legs shut for more than a day. What else did he need? This relationship was obviously not meant to be.
“I’m very sorry, Daddy. Please don’t be mad.”
He kissed her head.
“I’m not mad. But promise you won’t let it happen again, ok? When an adult asks to talk to me you gotta leave it up to me to decide if I want to take the call.”
“Grace said you were very tired and it was better to not get you upset.”
Grace. Of course. Why, oh, why had he brought her back?
“Well, since Miss Lisa called for me and not for Grace it was up to me to say if I wanted to talk to her.”
“I’m sorry, Daddy. Don’t be mad at Grace. She just wanted to make you happy.”
Yeah, Grace had an interesting interpretation of making him happy. One that was incongruent with his version.
“Well, let’s agree that you don’t keep things from me, ok, baby?”
“Ok, Daddy.”
She hugged him tightly and gave him a kiss.
“You like Miss Lisa a lot, don’t you Daddy?”
“Yes, I do, Paris.”
And he was punished for it with every breath he took.
“More than Miss Julia?”
“Miss Julia and I are friends, but Lisa and I we…ah..we are very special friends.”
“And Grace?”
Grace was a pain in the ass.
“Grace is your nanny for now, Paris. She works for me. That’s different.”
“She said she is like your wife.”
Oh, did she now?
“Well, she is not, baby. She was probably just joking.”
Or she was dead serious, trying to mess with the heads of his kids. Hiring her back obviously had been a bad mistake. Lisa certainly had thought so without having to say a word. Her tone had spoken volumes.
Was that what had set Lisa off? He was well aware of her distrust of Grace. It was so totally ridiculous. Whatever had happened between him and Grace was none of Lisa’s business. She had an overactive imagination. Sure, he knew Grace imagined herself in love with him, but that was really not his problem. He had never lied to her about returning those feelings. She had been there for him during his darkest hours. Had made sure he stayed alive, had made him get out of bed, had made sure he took his showers and did not end up a decomposed hermit. A couple of times, she had seen him crying and shaken by nightmares, and she had been a warm, comforting body to turn to.
When her demands turned to things he was unwilling to give he was forced to fire her. He had pointed out that the only relationship they shared was that of employer and employee- nothing more. At one point, he had considered her a friend. That was before she had threatened him to expose his private life one too many times. Not that she had anything to blackmail him with, beyond his desire to keep what little privacy he had rescued secret and protected.
Lisa did not trust Grace- and never had. So, maybe hearing that he had hired her back sent her off to take revenge on some imaginary transgression. Well, if so, the shot went off backwards yet again.
After Paris finally turned in, he remembered what Tom had told him and he decided to call Julia. How odd that Lisa had asked to talk to her.
It rang and rang and he was certain to have to deal with yet another voicemail.
“Hello?”
Thank goodness- she actually answered. He must have caught her at a bad time, she
sounded out of breath.
“Julia, it’s Michael.”
Pause.
“Oh, Michael. Hi. Ah, you caught me at a bad time.”
Ok, so what? Not like she had not spoiled most of the day with that damn picture.
“I’m sorry. I’ve been trying to track down Lisa-Marie. Tom told me that she had asked him for your phone number. I know it’s unlikely, but did she call you?”
Julia cleared her throat. “Lisa-Marie? Lisa-Marie Presley?”
Had she lost her mind? How many people with that name did she know?
“Yes, Lisa Presley. Did you talk to her? Did she call you?”
The impatience was no longer disguised.
“Ah, yes. Yes, she did call me.”
There were odd background noises, making it difficult to hear her. He heard what sounded like an ambulance in the background. He also could make out something that sounded like some kind of PA system announcement. Like in an airport. Or a hospital. Oh, shit- why was Julia at a hospital?
“What was that? Are you at a hospital or something?”
“Oh, what? Ah, yes, I guess I am.”
She guessed?
“Well, are you? Are you ok?”
“Oh, yes, thank you, I am fine. I am just peachy now.”
“Now? Why? What happened?”
“Oh, ah…nothing.”
This was like pulling teeth. She obviously was holding back about something.
“Ok…So, have you talked to Lisa today? Do you know where she is?”
“Ahm…yes, I talked to her earlier.”
“And?”
He felt like screaming. What was going on? Julia sounded so strange.
“Look, Michael. There was a…a situation. I am at a hospital indeed. I’m afraid I have some more bad news for you.”
The lead ball dropped into his stomach and his head felt fuzzy. What bad news? Something was wrong, he could feel it.
“Bad news about what?”
“Lisa-Marie. It’s none of my business, but I might as well tell you.”
“Tell me what? Will you just spit it out? Is she ok?”
He was aware he was yelling into the phone now, but he simply could not contain the panic raising all around him, threatening to drown him.
“Well, I am still waiting on word.”
Oh God, he had been right. Something had happened. Lisa had needed him. She must be hurt. Oh shit, how bad was this?
“Word?” His hands gripped the phone so hard he no longer felt his fingers.
“Yes, not like I’m family or anything, so they won’t tell me much. Lockwood is here with her mother. He told me he’d let me know.”
Lockwood? Priscilla? It made sense that the witch was there, but why in the world would Lockwood be anywhere nearby? And since when was he chummy with Julia?
“Is she hurt? Is she ok? How do you know she is in the hospital? Oh, Gosh, let me know where she’s at and I start making arrangements to fly back out.”
Everything inside screamed to get to Lisa. He had to get off this phone to make arrangements. He had to be with her. He had to see her, hold her, make sure she was ok.
The feeling had been right. Just like in ‘97 when he had that same odd vibe that something was wrong and next thing he knew, Janet called him that Lisa had suffered a total breakdown in Florida. It had been his fault, he had pushed her too far by cutting himself off from her. As soon as the divorce papers had arrived in his mailbox, he knew it had been a mistake and he tried to get in touch with Lisa.
She sent him word through Janet that she was done, that she needed space. God, he had missed her so much. His whole world was deprived of sun and life. The eclipse had swallowed him and the small dot of light that was her glided further and further away from him.
Then, suddenly, she changed her mind. The phone calls started, as did the desperate letters. But no, he had to be an asshole and make it a point to torture her for having ignored him before. What an insane dance at the end of the cliff- and Lisa had fallen off, her parachute barely catching her. Well, he was damned if he stayed away from her after he found out what had happened. Had heard how she had carved herself up, had tried to kill herself- and even though he had been on the other side of the country, he might as well have been guiding her hand to drive the marks into her skin. He might as well have been the one forcing her to take the pills and wash them down with booze.
This was similar. Tears started to choke him. How had it happened again? He had sworn to never again let anything bad befall her- and now here he was, hoping against all odds to not be destroyed by the news.
“No, Michael, don’t. You don’t wanna do that. That would be a mistake, believe me.”
“If she is sick, if she needs me, I need to be there for her. I don’t care about the stupid picture you sent. I don’t care if she hugged Lockwood. I know she loves me.”
“Well, if she loves you so much, maybe you can explain how she got herself into this situation, then? Unless it’s his…”
“What are you talking about? What situation? And unless it’s his- what?”
“Look, there is no nice way to say this. I don’t have details, but I think they said she lost a lot of blood.”
He saw stars and suddenly felt disoriented. No, it was impossible. He could not lose her. Not when he was so close.
“Blood? What the hell is going on? Julia,I swear, just spit it out!”
“As I heard it she is suffering complications from a procedure.”
“A procedure? What procedure?”
“I might be wrong, but the way I heard it is that she had an abortion, Michael. And there were complications. That’s all I know.”
Abortion? Had she just said Lisa had an abortion? Certainly, he must have misheard. He stumbled backwards and fell into a chair.
“That’s ridiculous. You must have misunerstood. It’s not possible.”
“I can only tell you what I heard. Lockwood said it was a relief, so I don’t really think it was his baby, Michael. I’m sorry, I am the bearer of such news, but I won’t lie to you, and I won’t have you fly halfway around the world for someone who does not deserve you. If this was your baby…”
“Shut up,shut up… just shut up, ok!”
His voice sounded strained and as if it was coming from a stranger. This could not be true. Julia had to be wrong. Lisa would never…
Heat and cold raced through him, rendering him disoriented and numb. No, she might have lied about taking birth control during their marriage, but this… She would not kill a baby. She would not just go and murder his child.
“Ok, look. I can hear you are upset. I’m really sorry, Michael. But you called me.”
“Julia, I’m going now. And heaven help you if you are lying to me.”
“Why would I lie to you, Michael? I didn’t even want to tell you anything. You made me. I will forget how you are talking to me, taking into consideration you must be in shock. I will talk to you later, ok?
“Julia- don’t go. Let me talk to Priscilla- even Lockwood….a nurse…anyone…. Julia?”
The line had gone dead. Fucking hell! With shaking fingers he dialed again and it immediately went to voicemail. When he threw his phone this time, there were no cushions to protect it. Ricochets of electronic parts flew through the air and crashed to the ground like his hopes for a future. Fragile and useless pieces of junk. Just like his dreams.
“Michael, for the millionth fucking time. I’m not gonna have your baby right now. The timing is not right. We are not right. We are both fucked up and it’s not fair to anyone!”
Voices of the ghosts of the past. Her words …ringing in his ears and appearing before his eyes.
Michael, I so thoroughly regret my decisions of the past. Not having babies together is my greatest regret. If I could just undo this one thing…believe me, I would. I would have one, two…nine babies with you. I love you with all my heart.
“You’re never gonna do this to me again, you son of a bitch. I will die before I ever again agree to carry your spawn. Kids are nothing but a means of self-gratification for you. You pretend to be a nurturer- well let me correct that vision for you. You are a user. It’s all about your ego and your fucked up vision. I am so fucking happy you got another kid. And again, you just went out and bought a baby. All I can say is I feel sorry for your kids- all three of them. Kids aren’t commodities. And I thank the universe or whatever force protects me that I never had to be put in the role of walking incubator for you.”
The hate still made his ears ring.
Still, Lisa loved kids. Visions of her playing with Ben and Riley ran like a movie through his mind. She had been so loving with his three lately. How could she callously kill a baby? It didn’t matter to him that legally, she had every right to make this choice. It was wrong in his eyes. Where was his choice?
What if the kid had been Lockwood’s? She had sworn to him she had not screwed him since before New York. But if she had been pregnant, how many other lies would she tell? No, it made no sense. Julia said Lockwood seemed happy. Was that what was going on today? Had she met with the bastard today to discuss her plan to slaughter an innocent angel?
Without even knowing what he was doing he poured a drink. He shot the liquid, unaware of the burning race irrigating his throat. It was nothing compared to the fire eviscerating him, pulling his guts from him, leaving him empty and bleeding on the floor. Bleeding, like Lisa, after she committed the ultimate sin.
Some kind of robotic force drove him to refill his glass several more times.
“Oh God, how could you, how could you? What a heartless monster have you become? Or were you always this evil? How blind was I to love someone as twisted as you? You fucking bitch, you thoughtless, evil….” The tears choked the words from his voicebox.
Falling to his knees, Michael sobbed helplessly.
“Michael, what’s happening? What are you doing?” Grace came rushing into his field of vision.
“Get the hell out! I don’t need you! I don’t need anyone.”
Something broke. His heart, his soul…his hoped and dreams, driving shards into whatever vulnerable part was left.
“Oh, shit, stop it- you broke the glass you lunatic. Your hand is bleeding.”
What was she talking about? Blinded by his tears, he stared at the blood on his hands. How poetic. That was it, wasn’t it? His hands were soiled by the innocent blood of his baby. The baby Lisa killed. And he had let it happen by being careless. In more ways than one.
Being half unconscious, he barely noticed Grace ran out of the room to return with peroxide and bandages. Why couldn’t she just leave him alone?
Exhausted, his mind finally went into neutral. There was nothing left.
“Michael, here, take these.”
No, not pills. He didn’t need them. He had too much to drink anyway.
“Stop being so stubborn. Here, they will calm you down. We need to get you to bed. I don’t know what went down, but you need to sleep.”
She held four pills in the palm of her hand. Nice – four Valium. That oughta do the trick.
“I’m only supposed to take two.”
Funny how his brain cared to count pills. Who gave a fuck if he took the whole bottle?
“It’s ok. You will sleep.”
She was right. He reached out and took them.
Grace helped him up and he leaned on her like a crutch. She walked him to his bedroom while he felt himself go pleasantly numb. The room lost its definition and it became difficult to remember what the hell he had been so upset about.
“My hand hurts…”
Grace sat him down on the bed.
“Yes, I know. Here, I got some pain meds ready for you, too. Tomorrow, we will call a doctor to look at those cuts. You might need some antibiotics. Tonight you just sleep ok? No one can hurt you, ok?
She handed him two more pills. So much for going chemical free. Fuck that shit- why bother? It had all been for nothing anyway. Gratefully, he took what looked to be two Vicodin.
The world retreated, leaving him afloat in sweet nothingness against a blue background. Blue like her eyes.
True blue. What a joke.
Drifting off, his last thought was the clear azure sky over Neverland that afternoon. Paradise lost, in so many ways.
“I will always be there for you from now on. Whatever we have to face, we’ll do it together.”
Why would the voice not go away? Was this his punishment for having dared to live again?
His last conscious thought was the image of slamming down the heavy door of the prison cell, sentencing himself to an existence without love and without treacherous hope.
(to be continued)
©2011 Erika B Michaels. All Rights Reserved. This story is a work of fiction. Any names, places, and other identifying features are used in a fictional manner, for entertainment purposes only, and are in no way representative of actual events. This work may not be reproduced, copied, transmitted, or stored without expressed written permission by Erika B Michaels. All photos and images, mentioned songs or song titles are copyright their creators.
The Difference is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License
