To Have and To Hold- Chapter 20

20

(Author's note: The end is almost here. I originally planned to end this in one chapter, but it got so long, I broke it up into two.  Here is part one.  Thank you for the ridiculous long time it took to update this and thanks for all your wonderful words. The good news is, the last chapter is almost written, so I plan to update later tonight, or tomorrow- and that will bring To Have and To Hold to an end.  Thanks again- and please excuse any typos as I was hurrying to post this today. Thank you- Erika )

Lisa's words cut short his inner turmoil with the violence and finality of a canon fired into a rebellious crowd.  Michael's mouth dropped open, and the words he could neither conceive nor form remained suspended somewhere in the diffuse light between his brain, his voice box, and his tongue. The only logical thing to do was to close the useless organ, regroup, and try again.

Finally, some odd sound squeezed by and could possibly have been misinterpreted as a "wha..." sound, having lost the "t" but hopefully still passing as some distant relative of a question.

In a helpless, partially paralyzed state he stared into the blue eyes locked to him. Sadly, Lisa didn't seem equipped to be of much help, as the expression meeting him was a mind boggling mixture of uncertainty and… surprise.

Surprise? Why would she be taken so aback? Unless he was hearing things, he was pretty sure those wondrous words had been spoken by his little unannounced visitor.

We're pregnant.

The letters took on some odd life of their own, evolving, stringing together into incandescent words, entering his mind, racing through his system, and unleashing the most intense gut reaction. Still, the meaning bypassed all logical thoughts before he was blown over and apart by the emotional twin of a blinding sandstorm. Hope, joy, love...they sliced through the layers of his skin, embedding themselves in glittering fragments into his tattered soul, making him whole, bonding shreds together.

Then, almost instantaneously, the usual side product: fear.

No kernel of hope shall exist without immeasurable terror. The golden rule of his existence anyway. You earn something and someone will try to steal it or, worse, yet, make it disgusting and cheap by running it over with envy and hatred. Nothing ever came for free.  People would forever hand him supposed gifts, then present him with the bill to be signed in blood.

Like the latest betrayal of his supposed friend.  A woman he had given his name to.  His trust…Had her carry the most precious of treasures and was prepared to hand his greatest love again for nine months.  It was still too painful to think about it.

Another great judgment call, Michael.  You did it again. You have perfected the art of trusting words wrapped in flimsy sincerity and fake love. You banked on the heart of gold that suddenly changed color to coppery green, leaving nasty stains on your soul. The gilded beacon of womanhood had been revealed to be nothing else but another cheap whore.

At a time when he needed a true pal, after this senseless loss of his dear friend who was assassinated by greed and in humane lust for sensation, he had learned once more that the real joke had been on him.

Too bad he was too bled out to laugh.  It had all been too much.  The news of Princess Diana’s horrific death.  The mental images of her being hunted…feeling her fear, her panic…her final flight to escape the vultures.  What were her last seconds like?  Was she in pain?  Was she weeping for her boys?  His heart ached and threatened to burst.  She had been a true light to the world, a beacon; hope that humanity and purity existed and could persevere. Then, that light had been snuffed out, just like that.  And before he could wrap his heart or his mind around the loss, the rug had been totally pulled from under him, leaving him adrift in a world of pain and confusion.  Loss heaping upon loss, he was left to grieve for a child that never truly had materialized from the seed of his dreams.  Into all that darkness, into the blinding waterfall of tears, Lisa had thrown a torch, when she suddenly had busted back into his life. Quite literally. First, he could not reach her when he had decided he had calmed down enough to form rational thoughts and comprehensible words once again.  Then, there she was. Out of the blue. With noise and demands- and never had an intruder looked more miraculous to him. 

Of course, it had scared the shit out of him when he realized she was sick again.  Seeing her in such a state left him feeling as if he had been punched in the gut.  He had lost enough.  Oh God…was it possible he could lose her? -No! Not Lisa.  She had to be alright! What was wrong? Why?  A relapse?  A new attack by those crazy ass witch doctors?  Gosh, could he not leave her alone for more than a few days without her getting poisoned by those lunatics again? What had she gotten herself into now?

I'm pregnant, Michael. We’re pregnant.

Instant medicine. 

Okay...seemed like she did not get herself into trouble all by herself, then.

The smile broke through the stunned state trapping him in place and broke the shell around his heart.

We're pregnant.

If he'd heard her correctly, then he was at least half responsibly.

Lisa's eyes narrowed.

"From that shit eating grin I guess that means you heard me. I'm sorry...that wasn't supposed to come out like that."

"What? How...Are you sure? Please tell me you're not... I mean..."

Her eyes darkened.

"Well, I'm sorry, I can't tell you I'm not. I am. And I wouldn't tell you if I wasn't. Especially after what you just told me. How fucking cruel do you think I am?"

What? Why did she look as if she was getting ready to cry? The storm clouds in her eyes took his breath away.

"Lisa..I....wow..."

"Michael, seriously? After I just came all this way like a stupid, hopelessly naive...ass, you say I should tell you I'm not pregnant?"

What? Had she lost her mind? Oh..crap...he and his tendency to assume people could simply take his clumsy verbal fragments and piece it together from reading his mind was about to get him into hot water again.  How come the words for the songs came so easily, yet his own emotional landscape could not be conveyed effortlessly.

Michael stepped closer and grabbed her arms, laughing suddenly.

"No! No, no no!  Don’t be silly! What I was trying to say was please tell me you're not kidding. But then, of course, why would you after what I just told you. Holy shit, oh Gosh...you, we,..I...a baby?”

Before he knew himself what had happened, he grabbed her, and kissed that pouting mouth before his own would get him into any more trouble. Lisa squealed, then attempted to twist away from him for one second, before he simply lifted her up, twirling around with her in lopsided circles as he kissed her until her silly protest noises were swallowed up by a softening response.

Running out of air, he stopped the carousel ride and surrendered her lips, while still kissing her face, then pulling her close into him, feeling her heart beating against him. The heart nurturing his baby, their baby. 

Their baby.

Tears bubbled free and choked him.  A sob escaped as he clutched her to him; lost in so many emotions he was uncertain he'd ever find his way to the surface of this crashing ocean.  Thankfully, here she was: his anchor and his guiding star. His greatest opponent when holding up the mirror he often wanted to ignore, and his strongest ally when fending off vampires trying to suck him dry.  The person he had betrayed in the worst way, and who had injured him in her retaliations like no other living being.

The tears would not stop and he hid his head in her shoulder, inhaling the calming scent of her hair and her skin, recalling the olfactory treat had once signaled he was home. Lisa held him close, pressing herself to him in the tightest embrace.

"It's ok..I gotcha.  I'm sorry for dumping this on you like this. But you had me so worried, going on all maniac like. And I knew the timing sucked before, but shit, I didn't know how much off it really was. And I didn't tell you to try to replace what you thought you had with her...Really...just to see you in this pain...I’m so fucking sorry, Michael.”

She was sorry?

Tears still streaming down his face, he backed up slightly, kissing her once more, noticing the salty tears she was crying. Oh that's right: Lisa was a little sap, and she never could stand seeing someone else crying. Well, not counting when she was spitting mad at him in the past, accusing him of using his tears as a weapon. 

“No, don’t you dare be sorry. Don’t you ever be sorry. Are you…are you sure… Really, really sure? I mean…how…when…” His voice drifted off. His hands were still gesturing.

“Well, yeah, I’m sure, or I would not have told you. And when? Well, my guess you holding me captive in London shackled to your golden magic thingy had something to do with it. And how…well, you know you have that way of letting the Force take me away…over and over…”

Lisa smiled up at him with a mischievous smile, still framed in her tears. God, yes, of course, it must have been London.  Gosh- they didn’t really use condoms in anything resembling consistency. But Lisa had said she was on the pill. How… 

Are you sure, man, she hadn’t planned for something other than birth control?

No!  He was not going to head down that road. He fought the small, nasty thought down- flipped it over until it submitted to his better judgment.  God, it was such a testament to the kind of people he had been around. They had made him paranoid.  They kept him shackled to his fears.  Here he was: always worried someone was out to cheat him, or try to hurt him. Because they were.  Shit! This was not how he had chosen to live his life.  It was not what was really in his heart.  It had always been his goal to share the love contained in him thought his art. But no- for some reason, after elevating him to incredible heights, pulling him down, and fucking him over become some kind of National sport. And he expected it. Could barely accept that not everyone had some sinister angle.  Lisa… She deserved so much better. After everything that had gone down, after everything he had started, he needed to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Lisa cocked her head, her eyes narrowing again.  His girl knew him so very well. Which was not always a good thing.  It was also scary as shit!  Especially when she read what was going on and got ready to go off like the firecracker she was.

“No- don’t even say it. I didn’t get knocked up on purpose, Michael. I knew you just had a baby. I knew we were not…not..solid.  You know what I think about bringing a baby into the world when the parents don’t have their shit together.”

“No, Lisa, I didn’t mean to … I wasn’t gonna say that. I’m just floored.”
“Well, I was, too. You better believe it.  I thought I had some stubborn virus. Turns out I did have something growing in me, and it will most likely be stubborn as hell, but it ain’t no virus. And before you ask: yes, I was on the pill. But I had forgotten I also was on antibiotics for this stupid impacted tooth.  And I totally blew off that antibiotics and birth control don’t  mix. I’m sorry…”

He stared at her. “Stop that! Don’t be sorry. Don’t you ever say you’re sorry.  Not for this. You don’t even…you can’t begin to know… I thought I would die, Lisa. It hurt so fucking much. Princess Diana was killed. Slaughtered.  And then, I find out that fucking, lying bitch went behind my back…she lied…she…” Breathless again, he had no clue how to convey just how betrayed he had felt.

Lisa stared up at him and then raised her hand, cradling his face with one hand, pushing a strand of hair out of his face.

“So…you’re not sorry?”

He stared at her, even as he turned his face to kiss the soft palm of her hand.

Sorry?

“That we made a baby?”

“Well, it’s not like it was planned…I mean…You didn’t plan a kid with…”  She lowered her gaze. He could feel her pain.  Had he done this? How did she not know what for him was so self-evident now?

“With you?  Are you frigging kidding me? Lisa…I always wanted babies with you. That’s what started this whole mess.”

Well, that and a million fights, two stubborn mules, and a seemingly  brilliant plan that seriously careened out of control. It had all seemed so simple.  He had been such an idiot! Solutions are never simple.  Not really good ones.

“Well…yeah…back then. A long time ago.  Things changed, though. And I…I don’t want you to think…” Lisa kept mumbling into the curtain of her hair.

Michael touched her chin and tipped her face back up to where he could see her eyes. His jaw tightened when he braced against the pain he found there…the doubt…the insecurity.  All this time, he had been so wrapped into his own disappointment and fear, his own plans and calculations, that looking at her had been like looking through a window caked in the soap scum of a forlorn soul trying to wash away all its layers of accumulated oily coating. Well, it was time for a cleansing rinse.

“Lisa Marie…I don’t think you’re trying to trick me or trap me.”

First, there was surprise.  Seemed he hit the bull’s eye. Then, Lisa smiled her little insecure smile, “Oh, you’re a mind reader now?”  She turned serious again, “Or is this something you have thought. That I tried to trap you and get me a single gloved Baby Daddy?”

“Well, I am quite a catch.”

Her worried gaze melted into a sarcastic smile.

“Yeah, especially all unshaven and shit. As catchy as a brillo pad.”

“Hey...” He pulled her close and kissed her as noisily. Lisa squealed again.

“Your whiskers really hurt- you are taking layers of skin of now, man!!”

“Oh yeah…Let’s see how good I am in taking layers of clothing off next.”  He picked her up and Lisa wrapped her legs around him in an almost automatic way.  Her protests must have run their course for now.  Or she was just as deliciously tuned to him as he was to her.  Without having to think what was happening, his body reacted and despite all the emotional turmoil that had torn him to bits, his cock came online, realizing its homing beacon was close.

“Now, what? What ch’a gonna do? Daddy…” She purred the last word and he laughed.  Oh, suddenly, that term meant so much more than just her pet name for him.

“Imma gonna welcome my Baby Momma appropriately… Hey y’a baby girl. Welcome to Paris. Our city, remember?  Ours…like something else.”  His smile relaxed his face and he felt an amazing calm suffuse his heart.

“Michael...” Lisa weakly protested as he walked over to the couch, placing her on the back, approaching her tempting, glistening lips. God, he had missed her so badly.  Had told himself that he didn’t need her while his body and his heart ached for her.  The darkness of death, loss, and betrayal had held him in their grasp, but here was proof that God never abandoned him.  Here was life and love. His past and his future. How had he been so horribly blind? 

Yes, he needed a family and he needed children. But the concept was only half right without the true ingredients.  You can’t cook a scrumptious meal and forgo the most important ingredients, thinking the outcome will be the same.  He had his son.  And he was the only thing right and true that resulted from the disastrous plan to fake having a family.  All he had was a scheming liar at his side at faked photo opps.  It was empty- it was a prop.  How did he ever think the warmth of an imaginary, illusion of a flame could warm him for any amount of time?

Would he ever learn? This was not the first time he had fallen to a relationship that only existed in his head.  Another dream that made him wake up screaming from the agony of night terrors.

But no, he pushed that ancient ghost of his past back into the prison from which it had escaped.  A place where his soon to be ex-wife was about to reside.  A dungeon in his mind, reserved for all the things he did not want to waste time on any longer.  The thoughts and memories condemned to eternal obliteration.  There was no room in his head or his heart for old regrets and people who had dared to injure and betray him.

Right now, all that counted was the present and the future. 

A future.  What a concept! Only about an hour ago, his future had seemed an ashen wasteland of incinerated dreams and lost friends.  Debbie’s betrayal made him realize that this so called marriage had to end. And without it, without the trust binding him to his former friends, what chance of a life did he have? You can’t live on the barren ground of your petrified dreams. He needed hope, he needed the seeds of love and life…and he suddenly had realized that the sum of his choices had robbed him of the possibility of that fertile ground.  Instinctively, he had reached out for Lisa.  When he could not contact her, he had wondered if she had finally cut all ties.  She had warned him.  He had been deaf to her words and warnings.  She had seen the ugly truth while he preferred to dance around the volcano mollified in his silly rose colored glasses.  She had made a choice to cut the pain short.

Could he blame her?  He had expected her to blindly follow his mad dash off the cliff? He had hurt her so badly.  What had he done?  He had paraded her around like some fallen woman.  Had he really not considered how that would make her feel?  When the shoe had been on the other foot, he had been horrified that someone would find out that he was her guy on the side. He hated knowing Lisa was still married- and had very much seen to it that  their outings remained hidden from all judgment.  But no- he had put her front and center. Had told himself it was his way to show her he was not ashamed of her.  Or, was it really, some secret punishment he had not been aware of?  He shuddered and hoped he was not that sick and she had never seen it that way.  Well, she had put up with it…maybe for her very own reasons.  Lisa also was a master of self-loathing.  Was he the tool for her castigation?

Well, it had not stopped with making her the Madame Pompadour to his Luis XV.  His next brilliant move had been to ask her to accept his son.  Had she run?  No, she had considered it. To top it off, he had basically demanded she add another child created from his own need to be loved.  How ludicrous it all seemed now.  And how crazy she had not slapped the shit out of him and ran.  No, she said she’d stand by him and give them time.  Till the barrel finally was too full.  Until he once again exposed her to the evil poison his so called wife loved to spew.  When she finally could not take anymore, he had been miffed and hurt.  His own pain so strong, it had gotten into the way of reason and love- and of his usual empathy for the feeling of others.  The feelings of the person he professed to love.  The person he did love. 

Once he had wanted nothing more than to protect her. Who the hell could have known he was never willing or able to protect her from his own stupid conviction of how life should be? 

He gazed down into her cloudy eyes as all those thoughts flashed through him with lightning speed.  To hear his name on her lips again was like healing nectar bringing him back to life.  He was drawn by her eyes, her lips, the sweet scent of her skin reaching out and touching his senses.  Gosh, he felt so helpless! How could he ever convey everything he wanted to say?  Everything he had just realized?

“Lise…I missed you…” His lips touched hers and he felt her shiver. “So much.”  Another chaste contact and he observed her eyes closing.  The little pulsing in her neck became faster.  Maybe showing her would work. 

“I missed you more. Oh God, did I miss you!”

His mouth diverted for a second, kissing her eyes, kissing her satin cheeks, the tip of her nose, her forehead which so often was showing that little crease indicating she was made at him, but was now relaxed.

“Don’t you leave me again, girl. Don’t you ever leave me again.”

Her eyes opened with obvious effort.  There was something there. Fear…She was scared.  She didn’t trust him.  Not fully…he could tell. His doing. The end result of his actions. He spotted her love floating in those azure pools, but there was also apprehension.

He swallowed hard.

This was how deep his madness had run: he had trusted those exploring his dream and cut out the person who had so desperately tried to make him see.  Sure, her silly move to file for divorce was childish and he didn’t deal well with blackmail. But shit…Lisa of all people had deserved the benefit of the doubt.  She had deserved him fighting the good fight.  The fight to save their marriage and honor their vows and their love.  All his accusations of her not loving him enough or trusting him enough, the sad truth hit him square into his heart: it was he who had not trusted her enough.  She had wanted to wait to have another baby- and instead of giving her the courtesy to allow her to grieve in her own way, he had tried to push and bully.  Instead of asking what he could do to alleviate her doubts, he had blackmailed her with the ultimate insult: Debbie will do it.

Of course she had told him to go ahead. What sane person could assume the lengths to which his obsession would compel him to go?  Instead of grieving their loss together, he had become a slave to his delusion.  And here was the fallout.  The woman gazing up at him clearly loved him, but would she ever look at him as she once had? With trust, with a safe understanding that her heart was secure in his hand, that he would not crush her dreams.  It had been there one.  In every touch, every kiss, every smile. 

How come all this understanding suddenly flooded every neuron in his brain?  Well, better late than never.  If it would take until his final breath, he would work to regain her trust.  He would fight like hell to once again see that unguarded smile, to hear her carefree laughter.  But, knowing him, it wouldn’t take that long. He loved a challenge, and while he understood the road would be rocky and the terrain steep, he was sure he was the man for the job.

Lisa’s man. If she only let him be in that role again. This time for good.

“Mike…I’m here, ain’t I?”

Well, that was a start.

He placed a chaste kiss on those tempting, pink lips.  God, this was heaven. A taste of the sweetest treat. Just another taste. A little nibble on her bottom lip… Her eyes closed again,and she exhaled. 

“Promise you won’t leave me. That you’ll stay. With me…forever…”

“Forever, Mike?”  She regarded him from beneath hooded, heavy eyes, and he could tell she also was not immune to the physical proximity. 

“And a day…”  Both hands holding her sweet face, he held her still, as his lips took the prize, kissing her over and over.  The kisses remained sweet for a second, before he allowed the contact to linger just a tad bit, asking, begging…convincing and swaying. 

Open up for me, baby girl. Let go of those defenses.  I won’t hurt you.  Never again…

Her lips parted and her sweet breath inflated his soul and made him feel light and sparkly. His tongue became engaged in the contact, as he gently licked her lips between little kisses and nips with his teeth.  Lisa made a small groaning sound.  Her legs closed more, pulling him into her body more.  He felt her soft body reacting to the hard on which was very much encouraged by the feel of her body.  God, she felt so amazingly good!

Deepening the kiss, he allowed his tongue to sweep into her mouth as she opened up to him like a flower.  Her tongue greeted his, and they reconnected in the dance, tasting and caressing, giving and taking.

Lisa’s arms closed behind his neck, one hand holding on to his shirt, the other playing with his hair, her grasp tightening.

The kiss went on and on: giving and taking, exploring and challenging, reviving and promising.  Michael kissed a path down Lisa’s neck and she moaned in that deep, sexy way he adored.

“Baby girl…Gosh, you taste like heave. I love you…I need you…You are what always brings me back to life.  You are my life.”

Lisa’s hand was busy kneading the tight muscles of his back, then she explored further south, grabbing his ass and pulling him into her.  She held on to his pants and pulled out his shirt, while he found the sexy little hollow of her throat, licking it and kissing the butterfly beat of her pulse. In the meantime, his hands automatically slid to her waist, holding her, then gliding up over her torso to her breasts.  He needed her so very badly.  Maybe this was going all too quickly- but she was his medicine and he had been without a refill for too long. 

“Mike…wait…we…we gotta…”

Stop?  Talk? Make love?  His vote was for option three.

Yeah, Michael, I’m sure you getting straight back into her panties will do wonders to assure her things are different.

Shit!  His eyes flew open and he hesitated.  Lisa seemed to have sensed the change in him. Her body shifted slightly.

When her eyelids fluttered half open, he was intoxicated by the fire in her eyes.  Oh yeah…she might not be sure, but her body was pretty convinced how it wanted things to go. That one thing had always been sure as gold between them. 

“What? You don’t wanna…you know…?”

“Well….I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wanna jump right back to getting you naked…but…” Her voice was deep and laced with her passion.

“But you wanna talk, right?”

Lisa leaned forward and pulled him back down into a scorching kiss.  Her tongue sought entrance and of course he obliged the lady. 

“Yeah, talk…” Lisa panted against him as she broke away, smiling up at him slyly.

“I like how you ah…talk…with your tongue.  You’re so skilled.  In talking… Talk some more…”

“You ain’t seen nothing yet, baby.” Lisa laughed, then suddenly turned serious.  Her hand came to rest on his face and she studied him as if she had just seen him for the first time. “You look thinner.  You look so sad.  I’m so sorry that fucking bitch put you through this.  But Mike…what does all this mean? I mean, God you know I love being kissed like that, but what now?”

He knew what she was asking.  They had come to this point before- but then always hit a wall.

“Now we make love?” He winked at her, then burst into laughter at her surprise and her little eye-roll.  Of course he was joking...well, kinda joking, anyway.  He knew there was work to do. Work he could not accomplish with his penis alone.

“Michael! That’s what got us into trouble in the first place.”
He kissed her forehead.  “No it didn’t. It made a baby.  The most amazing thing ever. He or she won’t be trouble till he wants a car.  Or she wants to go on a date. That’s out, by the way. Man…Lisa…our baby…”  How he loved saying those words.  They filled his soul and lifted him into unknown stratospheres of pure light.

A smile he thought he’d never see again broke free and the sun rose in the room. 

“Yeah…pretty wild, hm?”

“Lisa…how do you feel about this?  Are you ok with this? With carrying our baby?”

Suddenly, putting that question out there, he realized how scared he was. She had not said anything about how she felt about any of this.  He knew she loved children, but she had not always been open to the idea of having a baby. In the past, she had cited fears that he would take a baby and get full custody.   What if she didn’t really want this? With him?  She wasn’t ready when they had been a family.  Now- they were some unnamed entity without a current clear definition.

“How do I feel about this?  Don’t you know?”

That would be a no at the current time. He hoped she was as happy as he was. But he had no way of knowing for sure.  Not after all those doubts of the past if he wasn't good enough for her to procreate with.  Of course, that was in the past, also. But what about now?  Was she happy? Upset?  Panicked? Everything he could think of and then some more? 

 

“I know that what you said changed everything for me in the blink of an eye.  Everything.  But you… I mean, you’ve been pretty mad at me lately. Not that I don’t know you had every reason to be. But gosh…  How are you?  I’m blown away.”

“I guess it was a surprise…”

He laughed again, “Just a little bit. How ‘bout you? When you found out? Oh baby, I’m so sorry I wasn’t there.”

“Yeah, it was pretty wild. I went to the doctor’s to hear about my virus that wasn’t. She said I was pregnant.  I was so frigging’ confused- and I was wondering why now.  I also didn’t believe it. Bought a home pee test.  And sure enough.  There it was.  Guess I trust plus signs more than medical degrees.  So…I was blown.  I drove up to the hills, and I swear somehow I felt my Dad there.  Then, I felt that crazy warmth inside, and I knew it didn’t matter how fucked up the timing was.  Hell, how fucked up we are.  Nothing mattered. I had this little life inside.  I have our little baby.  It was…” Her eyes were huge and reminded him of glacier lakes…only they were warmed by some internal fire.  A single tear escaped, and he watched its path over her soft cheek in fascination. “It was a miracle.”

Michael captured Lisa’s chin and tilted her face back up to him.  She breathed heavily, attempting to catch her breath and her composure. “Hey…it is. Our miracle. Marry me, Lisa.”

What? Had he just thrown that question out like that?  He was shocked at his slip. And even more shocked when he realized he was dead serious.

Lisa blinked and stared at him.  Another tear rolled down the little valley of her cheek.

“I can’t.”

All blood drained from him and he got that dizzy, tingly feeling on top of his head. She could not?  Had he lost her?  Was she going to bring up being friends who raise a child together?  Oh hell no!

He took a deep breath.

“Lisa. Look. I know I hurt you. I hurt you something bad. I’m a jerk.  I don’t deserve you,and I don’t deserve this second chance. Or third chance…I lost count.  But damn, Imma gonna take it and hold it, and never let you go again.  So don’t you even go and think Imma gon’ let you go..or let our baby go, ‘cause it aint’ happenin’.  You might as well forget about that.”

He hoped his cocky stubborn stance was convincing, because inside he was scared pretty much shitless.

Yes, no doubt Lisa would want their baby. But would she want him?  He was no fool: he had his ideas of what his family should look like, but he also was well aware that Lisa had the option to raise a child on her own.  But no- he was not going to give into that. He was not made to be some absentee father.  And he was not made to be without her.  He had tried and failed miserably.

“Mike, pipe down, dude!  I didn’t say I don’t wanna marry you.  I can’t because you’re married, remember.  Plus, I think we need to step slowly for once.  This is our baby, but that doesn’t mean we…I mean…that we…”

Michael picked Lisa up in one swoop and watched the surprise on her face as she called out his name in protest. He bent down and kissed her thoroughly once more, then broke away panting. “Woman! Don’t you even think about it. We will be together, and we will be married. I know I have a legal contract to get out…It was never a marriage. You called it: it was a game we put on. But you and me…we’re for real, girl.”

“Well, if we’re for real, then things can wait.  I don’t want to force your hand. And I also don’t want you to push me into something I’m not ready for.”

“You said you only asked for the divorce to make me step up and show you how important this marriage was to me. Well, I’m stepping up. Nothing is more important than you and this baby- and our other kids.”

“Not rushing in again and fucking up again, is more important. Shit, six months ago, we weren’t even talking.  And now …this…  And while you’re mentioning the other kids: I don’t want to confuse Ben and Riley. Give them hope and then it all goes down the crapper.  I won’t put them through the happiness of having you in their lives only to have them up nights at a time, waiting for you, crying, pretending to be strong so I don’t get more upset. That was hell, Michael.”

God, his heart twisted inside his chest- her words wringing it out like a wet rag.  He never wanted to hurt those sweet babies again.  But it wouldn’t happen this time.  It was totally different.

“Lisa…I promise…”

She raised two fingers to his lips very gently. 

“You can’t promise.  We made all kinds of promises before, remember? And they weren’t worth anything when the shit hit the fan.  Plus, there is another child to consider now. I haven’t even met your son.  And we don’t want to confuse him.”

Prince?  How would he be confused?  He would love to have someone else to fuss over him.  But she was right: she had not even met him. And that needed to change. Now.  Michael was sick and tired of things playing out and him being left as much in control as a leaf being blown about in a storm. This crap was about to end.

All this talk was getting them nowhere. 

Michael grabbed Lisa’s hand.  “Let’s go.”

She looked at him totally confused as he started to march toward his goal. 

“Michael! Where are we going? We’re not done talking…What…Michael!”

He stopped and she collided with him, giving him a chance to bring her closer into him. 

“Woman!”  He grabbed her head with both hands and kissed her, his lips colliding with hers, his tongue taking advantage of her protests, giving him easy access.  Lisa made a little sound. He had heard it before. It was that little sexy mix of groan and purr she emitted when part of her was mad and part was turned on.  He smiled against her, still coaxing her to fully participate in his kiss.  Finally, she melted against him, all soft and pliant, her little sounds definite moans of surrender now, her tongue dancing and gliding against his. 

Where was he going again?  Maybe he should just pick her up and carry her to his bedroom first.  It had been so long.  He needed to touch her more, feel her around him, breathe her, and drink her in.  Oh yeah, he was ready for that intoxicating feeling only she could provide.

“Done being obstinate?”

He breathed against her open mouth as he they broke apart to catch their breaths.  Lisa looked as drugged as he felt- he adored when her lips were all swollen and red, and her eyes even more smoky and mysterious than normal. And if he was not mistaken, he felt her nipples pressed against him. 

“Well, I might keep it up if you throw in a spanking.” 

He kissed her once more for good measure. “Keep it up and I can oblige.”

A sudden clearing of someone’s throat startled them both.  Oh, perfect! Seems he was just saved a trip. 

“I’m sorry to interrupt, sir, but Prince woke up and was fussy. And I recalled you wanted to feed him lunch yourself.”

He really liked this new British nanny. She was so …correct. A bit on the homely side, but at least Lisa would approve of her.  Hey, and how smart was his son?  Seemed Baby Michael had known all by himself it was time to meet his future Mommy.

Michael glanced at Lisa was took a small step back and stared at the baby. A million emotions reflected on her face, but none long enough for him to get a straight read.

“Lisa: meet Michael Junior.” 

Prince started to giggle and coo, his little arms stretched out, wiggling like mad to be picked up by his Daddy.  Michael obliged and took the precious cargo, kissing the sweet, soft head, inhaling the wonderful baby scent.  He never took his eyes off Lisa who had started to bite her bottom lip. Her eyes rested on the baby.  Then she looked at him and he read all the confusion again.  But he also saw something else. 

The tension was thick enough to cut. 

Michael felt his throat close up.  What if this was too much too soon?  Then again, there was no good time and Lisa had to meet his son.  The brother of their baby.

Okay, stupid. This is it. This is what you have been waiting for.  You gotta let her have a moment. 

Clearing his throat, he decided to address his son first.

“Hey, sweet baby Michael.  Meet Lisa Marie. She’s a very special lady, and Daddy loves her very much.”  Michael took a step toward Lisa, who at the same time also took a step. This time, in the right direction. Prince had grabbed his cheeks and Michael leaned in to kiss him, causing his son to make a face pull back with a protesting sound. Oh- he had forgotten all about his stubble.

Lisa swallowed and color entered her cheeks again. Her eyes were soft and she looked as if she was about to cry. “Oh Michael…he is gorgeous…,” she whispered, then turned her attention to his son.

“Hey, baby boy. I guess you don’t like your Brillo Pad Daddy, either, hm?  Hi, little man…”  Lisa addressed his son with a soothing voice- but she did not fall into the idiotic sing song that Debbie always used.  Prince, for the first time, realized someone else was in the room, and he turned toward the soft voice, his eyes big and serious. Once again, it struck Michael how his son seemed to have the eyes of a very old soul.

Lisa reached out and touched the baby’s hand, and Prince grabbed her finger and said, “Ba…”- followed by a squeal and several blown spit bubbles.

“See? He likes you- and he wants you to be his friend.  I speak baby, you know.”

Lisa laughed and held her hands out to Prince who continued to hold on to her finger, making more babble sounds.  Wow.  A minute ago, she had seemed to fight the urge to run out of the room, now she appeared to be willing to hold the little charmer.  Well…  Michael was slightly worried as his son had recently become slightly more suspicious of strangers, and he did not want to scare Lisa away should the baby start to scream his head off. As he was known to do.

Lisa looked up at Michael almost hesitantly.  “Can I hold him, Michael?  He is…he is amazing…”

“Sure…if he screams don’t take it personal. He has developed his stranger anxiety stage pretty early. He is very advanced, you know.”

Lisa looked up at him with a cute smile. “Yeah, I bet he is.  Let’s see how it goes. He seems ok with me so far.  I take my chance.  How about you go and shave so your son doesn’t file child abuse charges, and I get to know this cute little man a bit better.”

She wanted him to leave? 

“Are you sure? I mean…you didn’t …you know…”

Lisa gently took the baby from his grasp and Prince started to focus on her hair immediately, tugging on a strand he could reach.  He seemed very interested in their visitor- and not the least bit anxious.  This had to be a sign.

“Well, I’m sure now.  He is amazing and he seems to like me so far.  I have been around kids before, you know, so chill. And, I can use the practice.”  She made eye-contact with him once again. 

Michael stared at her.  This looked so right to him.  Lisa holding his son- and also carrying a baby that would bind them all as a family.  The butterflies in his belly danced to a song being freed in his heart. The image was a reminder of what he had lost and what they were about to gain. 

++++++

Hours later, he once again watched Lisa and Prince. This time, she was rocking the tired little man to sleep, singing to him softly, her eyes closed.  The baby must have finally conked out, his little arm resting against Lisa’s chest, the other hand still fisted in her hair.  The gently notes drifted through the room and he stopped, gazing at the peaceful image.    How many times had he watched her sing to Riley and Ben?  How many times had he cried over never being able to see her singing to their baby after the miscarriage? Now it was reality.  And soon he would see her cradling their very own child.  A dream come true.  It was unreal how different this day was than the horrific hours of the past weeks. 

Michael approached Lisa and her eyes fluttered open. 

“Is he asleep?” she whispered, her own eyes dark and sleepy.

“Yep. Drooling on your shirt, too.”

“Divine justice- I recall Ben messing up more than one of your shirts.”

Michael smiled. He stepped closer, his finger tracing his son’s soft, warm cheek. The baby smiled in his sleep, but did not otherwise stir.

He bent down and kissed the peach fuzz, his heart fluttering like crazy.  There was an added element to his joy tonight. One that he never dared to hope for anymore.  Shifting slightly, he kissed Lisa as well, allowing his kiss to linger for just a little bit.

“Mike…I gotta pee.”

He had to try not to giggle too hard before he removed his son’s little fist from her hair and put the baby in his crib. Lisa stretched and rose.  She moved over to the crib, and her hand slid into his as they both stared at the sleeping little boy.

“You know what?  I was scared shitless when I saw him for the first time today.  Everything came rushing in- everything we lost, and everything we had gone through. I thought I would resent him because of who his mother is. But you know what?  I never even thought of that when I saw him.  All I could think about was how gorgeous he was- and how I adored that light in your eyes when you held him…”

Michael squeezed her hand, tears making his vision fuzzy.  How long he had waited for those very words. 

Lisa returned the squeeze and they stood in silence, listening to the symphony of his son’s little snores bathed in the stars projected all around them from the nursery nightlight.

“I love you, Lisa.” His whisper was barely audible.

“I love you, too, Michael.- And I totally gotta go pee now.”

Michael laughed and picked her up, kissing her to ensure she was not going to squeal again and wake the baby.  Depositing her in front of the bathroom of his bedroom suite, he allowed her some privacy.

“So…what do you have planned for the rest of the night?” Lisa called from inside.

“Aren’t you tired?” He smiled at his reflection in the mirror, sitting down on the edge of the bed, taking his shirt off.

“Well…yeah…it’s hard work traveling and being pregnant at the same time.”

She flushed and he heard the water running.

Michael thought for a moment.  Yeah, she really needed to rest.  As much as his body was starting to plot for something else.  He was well conditioned after all. Being in the very same room with Lisa as always brought a reaction. 

“Well, you can sleep after I have my way with you.”

Lisa appeared at the door, smiling at him. “Are you frigging serious?”
“Well, it was you who almost jumped me earlier.  I could barely get you off my little innocent body.”

“There is nothing little or innocent about you, Mister Jackson.”  Her eyes sparkled as she let her eyes run all over him.

“Come here you…”  He patted the bed spread next to him and she approached ever so slowly.

Lisa sat down next to him and he reached for her hand.

“So, now, that you got me here. What are we gonna do?  Sit here, holding hands?”

She turned her head and smiled at him. Really smiled- with a glow starting in her eyes and taking her lips along for the ride.  How beautiful she was…

His hand ran over her cheek and he touched her chin, bringing her closer to him.

“What did you think we were gonna do, Miss Presley?” His voice was a dark whisper as he approached her further.

Michael focused on her now parted, moist lips, still only holding her hand, his other on her chin, tipping her up to him.  The sweet anticipation of kissing her took him on an adrenaline ride, her sweet breath providing the fuel.

Just before his lips touched hers, she yawned heartily.

Her eyes flew open and they stared at each other for a minute, then broke out into freeing laughter.  God- it felt so good… as if all emotions were suddenly freed, bubbling to the surface, as they fed off each other, laughing till they both had tears streaming down their faces. They had fallen back onto the bed, facing each other, still giggling. 

When had they been together like this?  When nothing else mattered but being with each other- totally alive in the moment.  When they existed only in that instant, with a bond so strong, they did not need to worry about what the other thought or held back as everything was laid on the table.  A life time ago?  Feeling this closeness, Michael knew that his memories had been real and not merely wishful thinking.  This is what they had and what all the drama had made him forget. 

“Gosh, I’m sorry, Mike. Talk about me killing the mood.”

“You know what?  Let me hold you tonight.  Let me just listen to you breathing.”

“For real?”  Lisa looked at him suspiciously.

“For real.” 

“You don’t want me?”  That insecure glint again. Would it ever go away?

“Girl. You know better. But you need some rest. I want you awake and fully participating in what I plan to lay on you.”

“You sure?” Lisa yawned again and he kissed her, making sure to not get too wrapped up, as his body right now as calling him all kinds of names for not saying hello with that sexual healing it needed.

“Yep.”

To prove his point, he pulled the cover back, even as Lisa continued to eye him suspiciously. She had put on pajama pants earlier as had he- so they both were ready for bed.  She needed this: she needed to know that he wanted more than her body. 

Lisa turned and snuggled against him as he pulled the cover up and over them.

“Lisa! Stop with the butt wiggling…”

“Did you take a club to bed with you?”

“Lisa!” He giggled.

“Okay…going to sleep.  Can’t keep the old man awake.”

“You keep it up and I show you old man..”

Lisa laughed and stirred against him again. This was going to be a long night. Seemed he was the one keeping it up.

“I love you, you know that?” His arm draped over her and his hand came to rest on her belly.  He still could barely believe it.  Pretty soon he would witness her stomach get round and full- with his child.

“I love you, too.” 

"Well, I love you more."

"Always gotta have the last word, don't ch'a?"

"Yep."

Michael smiled into the darkness and hold her to him tightly.  Lisa sighed contently, and soon he felt her relaxing and heard her breathing get deeper.

“Lisa…”

“Hm?”

“We can do this. We can make it work, you know. You just gotta trust me one more time. I make it right.  This time I ain’t gonna let you down.  I won’t let our family down.”

Her hand came to rest over his. 

No answer.

“Lisa?”
“Hm..?”

“Tell me we can make this work.”

“If I tell you will you let me sleep?”

“Maybe…” He smiled against her hair, kissing her head.  God, she felt so small in his embrace. So fragile.  So perfectly fitted against him.

“Okay…we can make this work. Under some conditions.”

“And here I thought you’d be too tired to negotiate.”

“Dream on. So- one…we do this on my time table.”

He frowned. Okay..he could agree to this. Within reason.  After all, he did have to get rid of Deb first. 

“Okay…what else?”

“And second: you gotta promise to show me tomorrow morning just how happy you are I came to visit. At least twice. Possibly three times.”

Michael grinned into the darkness. Alrighty then! He liked that condition.

“Deal?” She turned and looked at him, her eyes an amazing mixture of playfulness and love.

“You drive a hard bargain, Presley. But okay…I see what I can do. But it might be more like four or five times. It’s been a while, you know and I’m achin’ for y’a, baby girl.”

Lisa smiled and winked at him in that way that drove him crazy. He kissed her thoroughly before she turned again, snuggling against him more.  He pulled her closer, their hands still intertwined against her belly. 

Lisa relaxed again and he listened to the sound of her breaths getting deeper and more regular.  Counting the rhythm, he suddenly felt drifting off. What was that?  Sleep?  God, how long had it been?  He really had not expected this- but hey, he was also not about to fight against the sudden feeling of peace as he stayed connected to his past, his present, and his future.

(To be continued)

©2012 Erika B Michaels. All Rights Reserved. This story is a work of fiction. Any names, places, and other identifying features are used in a fictional manner, for entertainment purposes only, and are in no way representative of actual events. This work may not be reproduced, copied, transmitted, or stored without expressed written permission by Erika B Michaels. All photos and images, mentioned songs or song titles are copyright their creators. ABSOLUTELY no disrespect is intended to any persons portrayed in this work.