Fateful Encounters 40-42

40

The tower of block fell over on the hardwood floor for the tenth time, but the loud clanking barely registered.  When an object came flying into his lap, Michael finally managed to refocus.  His thoughts had been whirling around finding solutions for his current predicament. Price laughed heartily when his Dad made a face. 

“Block?  ‘Gain?” He giggled, pointing at the colorful squares before him.

“I won’t build it again, if you throw them at me, little man!”

“Dada! ‘Gain!” 

Michael had to smile at his son’s bossiness.  

“Say, please.  Then we will do it one more time before you go to take a nap.”

“No nap.”  The little forehead became furrowed and the heart shaped lips pressed together resolutely.  There was no doubt this little guy was used to getting his way. 

“Yes, you have to take a nap.  And if you’re good, Daddy will sing for you, ok?”

Nodding, Prince’s face lit up and he enthusiastically started to rebuild his tower.

Michael watched his son and wondered about different traits he thought he detected in him.  He was sure he saw Janet’s feistiness, saw his own mouth, his mother’s eyes.   What would his soon to be born daughter look like?  And how about the new baby…if Prince was bossy, surely any child of Lisa’s would be a little tyrant.  The smile on his face intensified.

As always, thinking about the new baby caused his pulse to race.  How odd, not much more than two years earlier, he had been desperate for children.  His dreams seemed to slip away and move further and further into the realm on implausibility.  Now, he would be father of two within weeks, and then add a third baby in no time at all.  It all seemed so surreal.

Since returning from the hospital last night, he had not been able to sleep or eat.  Janet had insisted on staying over at Neverland, after having driven him back from LA.   Speaking of bossy…  She had insisted he ate a small snack and was currently in the kitchen rummaging through the fridge.  The noises coming from that end of the house were almost as loud as Prince’s blocks hitting the hardwood.  Why did Janet think she needed to feed him anyway?  He did not need food.  He needed a solution of how to get out of this marriage as soon as possible.  The contract he had with Debbie stated they would have two children and that the divorce would happen after two and a half years unless initiated by either one of them earlier after the birth of the second child.  Had the second invitro been unsuccessful, he would have had an earlier out-clause.  How would Debbie react when he asked her for a divorce as soon as possible?  A shudder raced through him: he had a pretty good idea how she would react.  Not well. 

Then, there was the issue of his mother.  She had been more than vocal about him not having children out of wedlock.  What would she say when she found out he and Lisa would be parents? Not that he wondered about his mother’s sentiments regarding Lisa.  He knew full well, his mother adored her former daughter in law and had always remained very friendly with her.  However, he was aware of the fact that mother had turned a blind eye to the exact details of his friendship with Lisa.  When they all had visited South Africa, mother had remarked that she thought it was so nice how he and his ex-wife got along.  Yeah, they had gotten along really, really well- especially when left alone in their suite.  Joseph had winked at him and made some barely concealed rude comments, causing Michael to blush furiously and Katherine to tersely comment that Joseph should not draw conclusions from his own behavior to others.  The guilt at disappointing his mother’s high opinion of him never stopped eating away at his self-esteem. 

However, he planned to make things right.  The baby was a blessing.  It was as if all his doubts regarding his future with Lisa had been erased.  This child was a sign from the universe to finally make things right and be with the woman he had wanted all along in the first place.  When some nagging questions about the conception of the little miracle rose, he pushed them aside for now, not wanting his insecurities and jaded suspicions to ruin the basis of a new start with Lisa.

“Here, you better get your skinny butt over here and eat before I have you hooked up to an I.V.”

Janet always knew how to entice him to do her bidding.

“I will eat after I put little man down.”

“Bull.  You will eat now.  Don’t make me force feed you.  I will take the baby up to his room.”

“He’s not a baby, Dunk. He will be a big brother soon.”

She rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, if you keep it up he will have a basketball team to boss around.  The Nation of Michael Jackson. Eat!”

Damn! She was a master in the art of skillful and gently persuasion. And, did she have to exaggerate like that?  It was not like he had planned to have another child so soon.  It was not like he had plans to populate a small country or anything.

After Janet took Prince upstairs, he grabbed his sandwich and took it into the study with him, fearing the wrath of his sister should he ignore her culinary efforts.  He glanced over at the phone.  Lisa still had not called.  Surely she was home by now.  What was keeping her?  Unless they kept her longer.  Maybe he should call her.  But what if she didn’t answer his call?  That would drive him even more crazy.  He suspected he would jump into his car and head over to her house and make a jack-ass of himself again.  The promise to give her some space was golden.  She had his word.  On the other hand, he also had promised to be her shadow.  Maybe she expected him to drive over there, to be there for her, despite her claims of needing time to herself.  What if it was another test? And what if he failed her?

Relationships seemed to be filled with booby- traps.  Especially with someone who liked to play silly games all the time. He never knew whether to take her at her word by following what she expressed in the content of her speech, or to do the exact opposite, since obviously, he was supposed to discern that she had intended something completely different.   For example, she had told him that her filing for divorce had been a call for him to come after her.  Since when did “I want a divorce” translate to “please be there for me?”  Was he supposed to respect her wishes, or was he supposed to prove his devotion by forcing her to admit she had been wrong.  Women!  Why could they not just say what they mean?  What was wrong with words? Why did they have to send the emotional equivalent of smoke signals and expect that men had the decoder ring?

“Ok, he dozed off.  I sang to him for a second and he really loved that.  He is so cute.  I think he favors me, by the way.  Mike- you have not eaten! Seriously- stop staring at the phone and eat. She’s not ‘gonna want you if you’re a stick!”

“I was not staring at the phone. And she will always want me.”  Smiling slyly, he grabbed his sandwich and forced himself to take a huge bite, chewing demonstratively while making a face at his sister.  “See? Happy?”

“Don’t talk with your mouth open.”

He mumbled something under his breath before taking another bite.  Hm, who knew Dunk actually could fix really good snacks? 

“I am not a bully.  You should be glad someone is keeping your ass straight.  You will need all your strength soon, when your little harem will start fighting over you.”

The cough was not soothed by his loving sister’s efforts to pound on his back.  Finally, she gave up, and handed him a glass of water instead.  When he recovered his ability to breathe, he glared at her accusingly.

“First you force me to eat, then you try to kill me with.  What’s your problem?”

She laughed brightly.

“Me?  I don’t have a problem.  I don’t have two Baby Mommas getting ready to scratch their eyes out. Damn, Mike, good thing you did well in the business: you will need every cent for child support and alimony.”

“I will have these two with me- and Debbie is all set for what she will get.  Lisa and I will be together- no need for child support or alimony. Thanks for the vote of confidence, though, Dunk.”  He glared at his baby sister.

“Hey- I am just being realistic.  Did Lisa say she’d marry your sorry butt again?  ‘Cause last thing I saw was her kicking you out of her room.”

“She didn’t kick me out. I left.”

“Semantics.”

Since she was obviously in a mood to fight, Michael turned to leave the room, then changed his mind and came back to take his lunch with him.  Why waste it just because Janet was being a pain?  He walked upstairs to his bedroom suite, turning on the tv after falling into this couch.  Too bad little sisters were historically bad at taking hints that someone needed privacy. She sauntered into his quarters as if she had an invite.  Obviously, his silence and attendance to the tv, was a cue for her to torture him some more.

“So, what happened?  Forgot to use ‘the glove?’ Hey, and all you had to do was use one- just like you like to.”  She laughed hysterically at her own lame joke.

He grabbed the remote and demonstratively pointed it at the tv, turning up the volume.

Janet dropped herself next to him, taking a bite of his sandwich.

“Hey!”

“What?  I made it.”

“So, go make another one.  You made it for me.”

“Don’t be stingy.  You are normally so generous.  Especially when it comes to…”

Throwing the remote to the other end of the couch, he lounged for her, removing his lunch away from her greedy fingers and putting it down on the coffee table.

“Don’t you dare and say it.”

She laughed again. “Your love, Mike, I was going to say, your love.  You are such a loving man. Always spreading the l.o.v.e.” She cackled some more. 

At this moment, he seriously questioned his judgment of having asked to come over. 

“If that singing thing doesn’t work out anymore, Dunk, you should call Comedy Central.  Seriously.  I needed your help and support and all you do is make fun of me.”

“Ok, I am sorry.”  She tried to stop laughing and wiped her tears away.  Her voice was choked up and every time she started a new sentence, she broke out in laughter again. Finally, Michael grabbed a couch pillow and pressed it on her face, causing her to squeal, fighting him off by arming herself with an arsenal of pillows.  Before long, the sitting area was destroyed and the siblings both lay on the floor, gasping for air.

“Oh, my God.  I can’t breathe! I can’t remember last time I laughed like that.  Holy shite!”  Michael wiped tears from his eyes.

“Yeah, you are becoming a stick in the mud, Mike.  Aren’t you glad I helped you out?”

He sat up and reached his hand out to help her up.  He felt much better after his pillow fight with Janet that had distracted him from any thoughts about his current predicament.

“I know you don’t think I will clean up your mess, Mike.  You threw the first pillow- you pick up.”

He grabbed the nearest soft missile and tossed it at her head.  Laughing, she agreed to help out after all.

“So seriously, what are your plans? How do you feel about all of this?”  Janet sat back on the couch, pulling up her legs, hugging a pillow.

“I don’t know.  I’m happy, surprised, stunned…keep pinching myself.  Don’t you dare!” He reached out and grabbed her hand just in time, thwarting her efforts to help out with making sure he was awake.

“So, even if you get out of the thing with Debbie, what will you do about Lisa?  I know how your mind works, and I know you will want to do ‘the honorable thing.’ But Mike, don’t let mother’s expectations corner you again.  That did not seem to have worked out so greatly during your current marriage.”

His hand came to rest over his eyes for a moment. 

“No, it’s not like that.  It’s not like with Debbie.  I want to do right by Lisa.  I mean, maybe it’s time I got over my hang-ups with her.”

Janet’s calm eyes were sympathetic and calm, she always knew when he needed her serene comfort.

“Mike, I won’t insult you by asking if you love her.  I know you do.  And I know she loves you.  But you guys were head over heels the first time around, too, and look what happened.  You two had totally opposite expectation about how a marriage should be.  And you both are stubborn, spoiled mules. If you just ‘want to do right by her’ I think it will all go to hell again.”

His eyebrows rose.  So much for sororal support.  Of course, the nagging voice inside his own head applauded her frank statement as she was able to capture the truth perfectly.

“Mules?  Thanks a lot.  We both are difficult yes…or at least we were.  We are complicated individuals.  I think we both have learned from the past, though.  We have grown.”

“Yeah…except, did you not just throw her out of your apartment less than a month ago when you suspected she was playing games with Danny again.”

“Why do I ever tell you anything?  You’re not supposed to use what I tell you against me.”

“You know I adore her.  I also like how she dug in with you and so far has refused to kick you to the curb.  But- I also know her history.  She has tried to get what she wants through…lets say, shady means before.  Normally, I like that about her- she’s a go-getter.  But- I am worried about you.  I don’t want her to hurt you again.  She tends to pull away when she feels insecure- what if she does this again?  What if she tries to force your hand again, setting off another crazy chain reaction like with the divorce thing?”

Michael could only bury his head in his hands.  Bulls-eye! Janet had just given words to his previously nebulous secret doubts and fears.

“I don’t know, Dunk.  I don’t have the answers.  What a mess! All this time, I wanted her to have our baby.  And now, she suddenly is pregnant. “

“Do you question the timing?”

“The timing; what do you mean?”

“Well, do you wonder, why now?”

He shook his head, but less in an effort to negate her question than to express his own insecurity.

“I don’t know.  I really don’t.  I mean, I asked her just recently about…you know…protection.  And she said we were good.”

“Well, brother dear, you do know it takes the birds AND the bees to make that baby, right?”

“I know, I know.  So, how can I really second guess her motives when I’m not so sure about my own.  Like you said, I could have taken matters into my own hand.” He saw her eyebrow rise mockingly and intercepted her next comment, “No more glove jokes.”

Janet’s hand covered her mouth. “Darn- so tempting, too!”

“So, I don’t know.  She did not look like she was too sure about what will happen.  It sounded like she really was not all that thrilled to have me around her.  But who knows? Maybe that’s a good thing.  I mean, in the past, when we were married, she wanted to be glued to me day and night.”

“Do you question how she feels about you now?”

The question took him by surprise.  As did the quick answer that bypassed his brain altogether and derived from deep inside his gut and his heart.

“No, she loves me. I just don’t know how that will translate into how we will do this parenting thing.”

“Well, at last you have a couple of months to figure it out.  Will you tell Mother?”

“No, and Dunk, please also don’t breathe a word for now.  I am freaked out that Debbie will find out and go crazy.  I mean, this confirms that I have been…going behind her back…with Lisa.”

“Yeah, in case her catching you on the stairs left room for doubt.”

“Well, the baby is proof.  She doesn’t need to have proof. I am so scared she will take Prince and the new baby and just take off.”

“Michael, she has no interest in those kids. Her interest, from what you told me, is in having you as her friend.”

That darn ‘friend’ word again.  Here lately it seemed to have all kinds of sub-contexts.

“I don’t want to piss her off.  I don’t like to think about that, but I do know that no matter what, I did marry her and I’m not supposed to have other women on the side.  Gosh..how that even sounds…,” he raked a hand through his hair in frustration, “…sounds like…”

“Joseph?  Is that what has you freaking out?” Janet turned to her brother and regarded his slumped over form.

“Mike, you are nothing like Joseph.  Nothing.  You can’t compare this to what was going on with our parents.”

Michael looked up and realized he probably never had loved his sister more than in this moment. This was one of his worst nightmares.  It seemed that all his life had been devoted to not be compared in any way to his father.  Too vivid was the memory of his mother’s pain on the occasions she had let down her iron control and he had heard her cry in her room.  When his father had expected his half-sister to be accepted into the family as if it was the most natural thing in the world, Michael had thought he would die to be the offspring of this philandering, unscrupulous, cold-hearted man.  One of his major goals in life had become to be as different from Joseph as humanly possible.  He had aimed to erase any trace that this selfish, self-serving person was part of his genetic make-up.  Janet knew all of this- she knew his fear and his loathing.  Surely, if she was this convinced he was different she was not wrong.  How come he felt so low, then? 

“Janet, I am married.  I just found out I got another woman pregnant.  How am I different?”

With every breath in his body, every longing in his soul, he needed her to erase his doubts and strengthen the crumbling image of his honor.

“Michael- you kept telling me that you and Debbie had an arrangement.  You married her to satisfy mother.  Well, that was idiotic, but it’s done- so maybe one of the good things coming out of this will be that you stop living to please her.  Sure, you won’t win any sainthood contests with your choice, but you did not exactly run around sowing your wild oats among all the women throwing their panties at you.   In a perfect world, should you not have been running around with your ex?  Sure.  But I get it.  You and Lisa, you guys have unfinished business.  You two behaved like a couple of spoiled two year olds and threw away your marriage too soon…”

“She threw it away… I…”

“Oh, cut the crap.  We are being honest here, right?  You knew what she was up to.  You have always seen through her crazy games.  Now, I am supposed to believe you did not know she was trying to make you come running after her?  And what?  You tried to punish her by holding steady?  You hoped she would just see the error of her ways and come back?  You did know who you married, right?”

All he could do was shake his head.  Janet was right.  He had known what was behind her actions.  He has been sick and tired of her heavy-handed bull.  The whole thing had become a “who will blink first- contest” between too blind people. 

“So, maybe, brother dear, the universe is smiling on you and giving you a second chance.  The question is, what will you do with it?  I don’t think the measure of a man is the amount of his past mistakes, but how he is able to learn from them.”

He looked at her, smiling.  What was she today: his oracle?  When did little Dunk become so smart?  All he could do was to pull her close and kiss her cheek.

Janet left a little while later, yelling at him from her car to make sure to eat dinner.  As soon as the door closed behind him, he stared at his cellphone.  Three times he started to dial her number, and three times he chickened out.  On the fourth try he got her voicemail.  Great, so much for working up the guts to contact her.  Tempted to just hang up, he managed to squeak out that he wanted her to call him and that he was worried.  He added an apology for breaking his promise to back off a bit, just in case she got pissed.

Michael sought refuge in the only place that would let him escape his racing thoughts and pounding heart beat- his dance studio.  He loaded one of his workout mixes and soon was lost in the pounding bass line filling the space around him as well as his mind and his body with soothing vibrations that carried him off into another reality.  Losing all sense of time and space, he was able to transport himself to the place where all human thought ceased to exist.  He was one with the forces of the universe, not subject to the stifling regulations choking the vital air from him.

Suddenly, a sensation filtered into his net of perception.  Not being able to name what he perceived, since it was so outside his human sensory organs, he nonetheless noticed a change around him.  Something had been added, something was different.  The energy in the room had changed in some way.  Recognition set in and he smiled.  When he opened his eyes, he was not the least bit surprised to find her standing there. 

41

The day had been a nightmare.  Finally, the discharge papers had been signed and Lisa was in the car on her way home.  Home.  What an odd world.  Normally, the word implied safety, comfort, peace.  Too bad, her whole universe had been tilted on its axes and those concepts had become elusive.  After finally getting her blood pressure to cooperate, they had given her a light sedative last night.  She had succumbed to a deep, dreamless, and what now seemed restless sleep.  Waking up, her hand immediately found her stomach.  Soon there would be a noticeable swell.  She still remembered the sensation of first little butterfly wings, then the tickling of a caterpillar, and finally animated kicks and punches filling her during her previous pregnancies.  Movements, attesting to the life growing inside her would soon join the changes in her body.  A new life; a new source of the most incredible love and the most gripping pain.  There was no human emotion comparable to that a parent experiences for his or her offspring.  No responsibility weighed heavier, no joy was more uplifting. 

Funny enough, her mother seemed to have forgotten that parenthood entailed love and support.  While Priscilla had stopped her angry tirades after Doctor Lockhard had asked her to please stop stressing her daughter or be asked to leave, she still continued to make it more than clear that she once gain wondered if her daughter was suffering from terminal lunacy. 

Terminal. Yes, her love for Michael was terminal.  She had been kidding herself when she had thought she was able to shut off her feelings and keep their relationship casual.  Casual was not her thing, after all.  All or nothing was more her style.  Love without compromise: go after what or who you want and don’t let go until you feel like it.  It all had worked out really well- until Michael. 

Getting him to be committed to her the first time around had been easy as pie.  Actually, she had been surprised that he had soon become the driving force for her to leave her marriage to be with him.  Maybe, she should have let things go slower- but slow and deliberate were not words that existed for her or Michael.  She had been so sure that she had wanted to be his wife.  What she had not counted on where her feelings of guilt about having hung Danny out to dry.  Of course, her mother had been sheering those fires, incessantly reminding her that she had ripped her family apart.  And so it the course to destruction had been charted with termites destroying the palace from both the inside and the outside.

“Have you told Danny?” Priscilla finally broke her icy silence from the other side of the car.

“Not that I owe him an explanation, but yeah, I have.  Funny, enough, it seemed he already knew.”

“Maybe Michael told him.  I am sure he could not keep his mouth shut about finally having reached his ultimate goal.”

“You’re so full of shit.   I know you told him.  You had no right.”

“I am your mother.  I have every right.”

“To what?  And when does your license to fuck up everything expire?  I mean, don’t you have to trade your broom in soon?  Or better yet?  How about you focus on your life?  Or do you only live if you can fuck with me?”

“Lisa-Marie! How dare you?  All I have ever done was for your benefit.”

Lisa turned her back on her mother and chose to stare out the window before this senseless conversation continued.  There was no solution.  Her mother would not stop to meddle.  It was up to her to stop throwing fuel into the engine of their senseless tug of war. 

Arriving at the house, she half expected to be greeted by Riley and Ben, then remembered that she had agreed with Danny that he would take them for the next couple of days.  Part of her instantly regretted that decision as she dreaded the silence that would provide fertile grounds to her ruminations.  Well, she could always ask the maternal noise machine to stay with her.  Surely, Priscilla had not run out of lectures about the dangers of being the vessel to Michael’s child. 

“Mother?”

“Do you want me to stay?  I mean, the kids are gone, I don’t want you to be lonely.”

“Actually, I was about to tell you to not bother coming in.  I want to be alone.”

“Last time you wanted to be left alone you almost killed yourself by drinking and …other stuff.” 

How kind of her mother to not name the “other things” she had engaged in to erase her pain.  Wasn’t it strange how the avoidant language immediately gave rise to visions of blood dripping from her skin? 

“Thanks for caring.  Well, don’t worry.  I’m fine.  I have the baby to worry about.  And I’m not…in that place anymore.”

“I know you don’t believe me, but I do love you.  I am just so horribly angry with you right now for the choices you are making in your life again.  But my disappointment comes from a place of deep love, Lisa, you have to know that.”

“Yeah, whatever.  I see you later.”

Priscilla moved in to hug and kiss her and Lisa, going stiff, turned her head away. 

After putting up the few things Danny had brought to the hospital for her, she wandered into the study, pulling out several photo albums.  Studying pictures of Riley and Ben as babies, she found herself imagining what the new baby would look like.  Hard to imagine a blend of herself and Michael.  Whatever he or she would end up looking like, this child would be a force to be reckoned with.  Its character traits would probably call for the creation of a new term for willful and headstrong. 

Lisa’s gaze fell on the phone.  Should she call him?  Would he expect her to?  And what if he didn’t’ feel like talking to her?  Why hadn’t he tried to call her already?  Promising to give her space had never stopped him before.  Was he using her request as an excuse to distance himself? And what if he did?  What if he chose to feeze her out, being miffed that she didn’t want him to stay at the hospital?  Well, if he expected her to beg for her to be around him this time, he had another thing coming. 

Angry at herself, Lisa, closed the album.  Was she already falling into the old patterns again?  What in the world was wrong with her? Why was it so difficult to pick up the damn phone and just give him a call?  It should not really matter who made the move as long as the result was increased closeness.  Too bad that way of thinking was so foreign to her.  Relationships had always been about who makes what gambit at which point to advance to the next space on the imaginary board.  The prize was to be the one with the upper hand.  Only with Michael, pursuit of that ridiculous, false notion had cost her everything.

Finally, after picking the receiver up five time, and slamming it back down followed by one almost successful effort of dialing half the phone number she decided to go for a drive. 

Two hours later she pulled up to the main house of Michael’s ranch.  This time, the guard had just waved her through, not putting her through the ridiculous security check Michael had set for her the other day.  She wondered if she had been promoted to persona grata once more.  Or maybe the security guard just thought she was ok since she had just been here two days ago. 

She sat in her car for about ten minutes before finding the courage to get out.   What in the world was wrong with her?  She had been here so many times before, what was different now?

The ringing of the phone made her jump.

“Where you at?”

“Hey, Jan.  Guess.”

“Well, I would hope you are not sitting on your butt, moping.”

She laughed. “I am sitting on my butt.”

“But not moping?”

“I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”

“You should go and see my brother.  He doesn’t know what he’s doing, either. You guys are a perfect match.”

“Yeah, like oil and water.”

“Add vinegar and you have great dressing.”

“Just don’t light a match.”

“You guys make your own fireworks.”

She laughed again.  Bless Janet and her weird sense of humor.

“Have you seen him?”

“Yeah, I babysat him.  I just changed his diaper and then left him to grow up.”

“You are so bad! How is he?”

“Shell-shocked.  But happy.  I did congratulate you earlier, right?  I am so unbelievably thrilled about the news.”

“Thanks, Jan. It’s a surprise. But a good one, I guess.”

“You guess?”

“Well, the baby is great news.  The circumstances could be a bit better.”

“Oh well.  You two thrive on controversy.  Hey, so, where are you?”

“About to walk into the lion’s den.”

“You’re at your mother’s?”

“Ha, ha.  I didn’t say the dragon’s lair.  No, I’m sitting outside Mike’s place.”

“Oh, perfect.  Well, I will let you go, then.  Get off your ass and go inside.  What are you waiting for? “

“Divine intervention?”

“Hey, I don’t want to rub it in, but I think that little bundle of joy you are carrying is all the divine intervention you might get in a while.”

“Please tell me your sister in law is not around.”

“I think she left this morning.  But maybe you two should pick another spot than the stair to celebrate the new addition to the family- just in case.”

“Oh, my God! Does he tell you everything? That’s just sick.”

“No, just the good stuff.”

Janet always knew how to make her smile.  They promised to catch up and ended the call.  Lisa took a deep breath and exited her car.  Slowly, she approached the house.  Really, she had not intended to come out here.  Her car had been directed out of the city by a will of its own. 

When she was not able to find him in the house, she instinctively knew which way to go.  The soundproof walls prevented her from hearing proof of her hunch, but all she needed to do was to follow the pull of another force.  If Michael’s emotions were even in part similar to her levels of fear, confusion, joy, and apprehension, he would have the urge and drive to express himself in his usual way.

The door was locked, and an electronic keypad was the only decoration outside the door frame.  Lisa entered her birthday, causing a green line and a buzz to grant her access to his inner sanctum.  The knowledge that he had not changed the combination caused a thrilling sensation to permeate her being.   A cautionary thought appeared: maybe he was simply a slave to his habits. She chided herself for reading too much into a simple laps in security.

Knowing what she would find inside, still did not prevent her knees from going weak at the sight of Michael moving to the sounds that reverberated inside her stomach. 

Baby- meet your Daddy’s music up close and personal.  

 

Michael did not seem of this world.  How many times had she seen him dance?  Would the wonder at this force of nature, this life form that seemed too perfect to be merely human, ever not stun her?  Watching him dance when he was this lost in himself was akin to watching a storm forming out of nothing, blooming in an otherworldly display of color, shapes, and sounds, before discharging the pent up energy with breathtaking crescendos of heat and light. 

His features were marked by deep concentration and meditation, small beads of sweat, precious like diamonds glittering on his skin.  His eyes were closed, his body moving seemingly unconcerned with the laws of gravity.  An inner light seemed to spread through and around him pulling you closer, keeping you spell bound and tied to his life form.  Suddenly, a smile spread across his lips and he startled her when he stopped before her, looking straight at her.  She felt as if his eyes did not stop at her physical form, but instead bore into every corner of her soul. 

He reached out and touched her cheek.

“I thought you wanted space.”

His voice was a caress.  She responded with a crooked smile.

“Space is overrated.”

All her hesitation erased, she went into his arms, seeking the warmth of his body.  He immediately pulled her close and just held her.  His embrace sustained her, strengthened and sheltered her from her own confusion.  His heartbeat seemed to become one with hers; the only barrier the insignificant barrier of their clothes and bodies.   Lisa felt herself holding on to him like a lifeboat in the storm of her ever changing inner torrent.

“Lise.  Careful, I’m sweaty.”  His arms kept her close.

She had not even noticed.  At this moment concepts such as soaking wet did not apply any longer. 

“I don’t give a fuck.”

He giggled.

Lisa’s face was pressed into his chest, and he she felt him move barely perceptively to kiss her head, as his hands slowly and caressed her back.

“What’s wrong, girl?  You’re shaking.  What’s got you so messed up?”

It was her turn to give a short, humorless laugh.  What indeed?  Should she put on her tough girl act and use the ever-ready sarcasm, or was it time for something different?

She looked up at him, her eyes swimming in tears, making sparkles seem to appear around him.

“Lise? You got me freaking out here.  What’s wrong?  Are you sick? Did something happen?”

Yes, something had happened.  Like never before, it hit her with lightening force that she needed to make the changes it took to keep him, to keep them.  The old way would not work anymore.  If she didn’t take a risk now, she would stay protected from pain, but would also possibly deprive herself of the highs that came with him.  If you go on the rollercoaster, you have to put up with the free-falls and the fear that accompany the rush.

She reached up and pulled his mouth closer to get that one hit she needed to go on.  His lips met hers, opening up to her, letting her tongue seek him out, engaging her gently. 

He pulled away, breathing hard.

“Lisa, if you don’t answer me this minute, I will take you back to the hospital. You are worrying me.”

“Mike?”

“Yes?”

“Michael, I love you so very much.  And…”

“And…?  And, what?  What’s wrong?”

“And, I am scared shitless.”  She was not aware she was crying until she tasted her own tear.

“I am so fucking scared.  I don’t think I have ever felt like this before.  I am so scared…Please don’t let me go…just don’t leave me alone…”

Sobbing she sank deeper into him as he pulled her even closer, holding her helplessly, waiting for the storm to pass.

42

Lisa had appeared before him like the answer to a prayer.  In his dance, human thought and wishes, as always, had been left behind as he expressed himself in a purely emotional, universal language.   To move after all cognitive processes stopped had always been a way to ask and to receive as he seemed to be able to somehow partake into some the mysteries of universal forces.  Then, to open his eyes and see the answer to everything he had not even known he had asked for presented to him in one, beautiful, yet slightly messed up, shaking package, had stunned him.  The question if she was real was answered once he had his arms around her.

She clung to him, crying, after just having asked him to not leave her.  This woman continued to be a walking contradiction.  He had no intention of leaving her- never had.  If anything, she had been the one pushing him away in a million different ways.  Well, no more.  Their lives would be connected from now until eternity.  He pulled her even closer, kissing her head and gently massaging her back.

“Lise, can you tell me what has you freaked out like this? Is there anything I can do?”

At first, he thought she was crying harder, but then he noticed she was laughing.  It was hard to keep up with her.

“What has me freaking out?  I am pregnant with my ex-husband’s child.  The very same ex-husband who is about to have baby number two with his surrogate, stalker nurse.  But no, other than that I have nothing freaking me out.”

Well, she must be feeling better, given the fact her sarcasm has returned with full force.  He grabbed her by the shoulders and backed her away, scanning her face, trying to find answers to the mystery she was to him in her face.  He realized the laughter had never reached her eyes.   She looked confused and shell-shocked and all the sarcasm in her voice could not cover those emotions.

“Lise, drop it.  I’m scared, too, you know.  I know this is a mess, but for some reason I can’t be too upset about it.  Maybe this is the wake-up call we need to get our act together  All I want right now, is to divorce Debbie and marry you, but…”

“You don’t have to worry about giving me reasons why that is not possible.  I never said I wanted to marry you. I just said I was scared…not desperate.”

Michael looked at her, and realized she had a small smile on her lips.  Cheeky, little woman.  She could be so exasperating, and yet he was absolutely crazy about her.  The hard armor around his heart was splitting more from yet another crack.

“No, you are never desperate, princess.  You are fierce.”

The smile broadened as did the sense of accomplishment rushing through him.   Lisa lowered her gaze, her hair partially obstructing her face now.

“I’m sorry I came here without calling.  I know you hate surprises and you hate even more when someone interrupts your private time.  I also know I’m sending you mixed messages.  I’m such a mess, Mike.  I am asking you to stay away one minute, then freak out when I don’t hear from you.”

“I called you, Lisa.  Didn’t you get my message? I was so worried you would be mad if I called, but I could not stand the wait any longer.  You tend to get really pushy when you’re mad, you know?”

His hand found her chin and he raised it again, forcing her to reestablish eye-contact.  She blinked and one remaining tear slid down her cheek.  He reached out and caught it, wishing with all his hear this would be the last tear of sadness she ever had to shed.

“I’m not pushy.  Ever.”

He raised his eyes in pretend-shock, making her giggle.  Ok, good, she was coming around.

“Ok, seriously, though.  I didn’t check my phone after almost having called you from home.  I don’t know.  I was scared you would call.  And then I was freaking out about you not calling.  Janet caught me on the phone while I was sitting outside.  That was the first time I picked the phone up since leaving home.”

“Oh, my dear sister.  She was here, earlier.  Forcing me to eat.”

“Well, good.  I’m glad she is taking care of you.”

“I don’t need her to do that.  I can take care of myself.”

“Ok, whatever you say.”

“No, Lise.  I mean, I was glad she was here.  But I didn’t need her. I just need you.  And I need you to be honest and tell me how you feel.”

“I told you I was scared.”

“That’s all? You’re scared?”  Scared of what? Scared of having his baby? Scared of being forever tied to him?

“No, that’s not all. I’m also weirdly happy.  And I’m worried that you might think…” Her voice trailed off and she averted her gaze.

“What?”  He had a sneaky suspicion he knew where she was headed with that.  And he was thrilled to hear she was happy, too.

“Nothing.”

It was amazing to see her skirting around the point like that.  This was so unlike Lisa.  Normally, she bulldozed over any soft green, emotional grass in her pigheaded effort to speak the truth. Or what she saw as the truth.  He both admired and abhorred her need to give it to people straight.  Well, that was how she has been in the past, of course.  Here lately, he often felt like having to wander around a minefield at night, trying to figure out what she was up to. 

He stared at her for a moment while she gazed out the large glass window, the sunlight painting golden highlights on her.  The magical light struck a chord in his memory. An idea came to mind and he reached for her hand.

“Come on, let’s go.”

Her attention had returned to him and she gave him a quizzing look.

“Where are we going?”

“Out.  Come with me.  Don’t you trust me?”

“Now, who’s pushy?”

Despite her half-hearted protests she followed him into the gold cart he had waiting outside, after Michael had first called upstairs to tell the nanny he would be out for a bit.  He drove off and tried to be more reserved in his usual slightly reckless driving skills, making sure his baby and Lisa would survive the short ride.  Parking the cart in the middle of a grassy knoll on the grounds, he grabbed her hand again after helping her exit, pulling her along. 

Arriving at his destination, he stopped and looked at her.  An amused smile played around her lips and she looked upwards, following the shady branches of the huge oak, reaching up into the blue spring sky.  Leaves had begun to grow, their color a bright green, indicating the new growth, the new beginning of an ancient cycle.

“Back to the roots, hum? To where it all began…”

“Well, it did not begin here.  It began way further back.  But this is where you first attacked me and forced me to kiss you.”

Her laughter was as refreshing as the breeze surrounding them. “Yeah, I had to tackle you to the ground and twist your arm.”

“Well, you had my back up against a wall…or a very large tree trunk.”

“Funny, I remember it differently. Seems it was me who was between a trunk and a hard place.” The evil glint finally was back in her eyes as her eyes dropped to his crotch.  How he had missed to see her playful like this.   

He backed her up against the huge tree again, his arms coming up on either side of her shoulders as she reached out and pulled him closer to her by his belt. 

“Hm…I must have forgotten some details.  Why don’t you help an old man here? Refresh my memory.” His hips made contact with hers and she reached up, the fingers of one hand getting tangled in his hair, pulling him closer. 

“You need a refresher course, Mr. Jackson?  Isn’t that what got us into our current predicament?”

He leaned in and breathed against her as he placed an almost innocent kiss on those tempting lips. 

“Hm, did it?  I might be wrong, but I don’t think kissing causes babies.” 

She laughed again and he captured her mouth with his one more time.  This time, he lingered a bit longer, slightly deepening the kiss.  He noticed her melting into his body which he helpfully had aligned closely with hers while he still kept his arms braced on either side of her. 

“No?  Are you sure?”  This time she was the aggressor, her kiss capturing first his top, then his bottom lip in little bites.  She was driving him crazy already.  He pulled away slightly, not letting her engage fully, knowing Lisa liked to be teased.  One hand left the ancient tree bark to instead find a home in her soft hair.

“Well, if it does, I guess we are ok, anyway.  Given that we seem to have a little one here with us now. Perfect birth control.”

 Michael slanted his mouth over her, positioning himself for a deep kiss, finally not being able to resist the urge to taste her one minute longer.  He had brought her out here to remind her of their journey, to bring her back to a time when their history was young and full of hope and trust.  This was the spot they had exchanged their first kiss in what seemed like another lifetime ago.  He had been going crazy with passion, love, and sexual tension back then, and a friendly visit from his pal had somehow turned into them just about ripping each other’s clothes off.  He had been mesmerized by her silken touch, the taste of her, the feeling of her tongue engaged with his.  All logical thought had been banned as all blood was redirected to a totally different part of his anatomy.  And nothing had ever been the same since. 

She continued to have that effect on him.  Through all the pain, all the confusions, all the despair, and all the vows of never letting her get to him again, she had always been able to transport him to another planet with just one look, one touch, one kiss.  Just like now, when he touched her, kissed her, chances of serious conversations dwindled.  Maybe their strong sexual pull was a kind of safeguard installed by the universe to keep them coming back to each other.  A strong reminder to not just throw what they had into the bowls of hell when faced by whatever demons they each fought to conquer. 

Michael became unable to think further as he simply was lost in the moment.  The kiss had turned from sweet and lingering to scorching hot, their tongues engaged in caressing teasing, their breaths coming more and more labored.  Michael wisely managed to keep his hands on the tree, knowing full well, Lisa would be without any clothes in no time the moment he put them on her.  She also was more restrained than normal, one hand caressing his hair, while the other did get slightly naughty and clutched his butt to her.  Finally, noticing he might need to take a breath, he broke away.  Both kept their eyes closed, their foreheads leaning against each other.

After several minutes, Michael reached out and sat down, pulling Lisa into his lap, as he leaned against the tree.  She responded by putting her arms around his torso and her head came to rest on his chest. At times, she really reminded him of a cuddly cat.  Of course, one never knew when the claws would come out.

“So, did you bring me here to remind me how crazy you have made me since that first kiss?” Her voice was a sexy, low rasp, and he shifted under her, trying to keep things under control. 

“I think it’s questionable who is making whom crazy, lady.  And sit still, please.”

“Baby,” She gifted him with a wide-eyed, innocent look, “You seem to have a car jack in your pants, and it keeps pushing me up.  So, as soon as you stop poking me with that thing, I will sit still.”

He blushed and laughed. “No, your adorable little ass needs to stop gyrating, then my pants will fit better again…you know the drill. Plus, I don’t know if I ever want to stop poking you.”

“You are so bad, Michael! And yeah, I know the ‘drill.” She sat up a bit straighter and started to kiss his neck.

“You’re not helping, Lise! I brought you here to talk. In a minute I won’t have enough blood in that head to talk in any coherent way.”

She continued her little kisses and occasional nips, her tongue further stimulating him.  The cool breeze contributed by making the wet trails tingle on his incandescent skin.  “Hm, we are talking, Michael.”

Unable to help himself, he leaned down and shut her up once more by plundering her mouth, enjoying her little moans and throaty sounds.  After several more heavenly, yet torturous moments, Lisa broke contact and snuggled against him again.  Kissing her head, he willed his body to calm down while still savoring the warmth of her tiny frame against him.

“So, seriously, though.  What were you afraid of?  Were you worried I would…would question how you got pregnant?”

Her body stiffened slightly, and he felt her heart beat increase. Bingo.

“I know you know, how.” She shot him one more naughty, playful look, before turning more serious. “But yeah, I don’t want you to think I am using this baby to snare you. I mean, just a little while ago you accused me of playing games with Danny.”

“Well, it’s cause you drive me crazy.  I become a total jealous idiot when I think I’m not the one you really love.  Like you need a baby to hook me.  I mean, seriously, it’s not like I can stand being away from you too long, seems like.”  Michael tried to keep his tone light.

“So, you never, not for one second wondered if I did not get knocked up on purpose?  Come on!” Lisa cocked her head and gazed up at him.

Michael was not able to keep eye-contact and instead looked up into the crown of the oak.  Could he risk sharing his misgivings without disarming the unsecured hand grenade Lisa tended to transform into at times? Possibly, his next words would set off another fight, and he was reluctant to disturb the peace of the moment. His nervous system had enough turmoil these past days.  However, she was pretty perceptive, and it sounded like she had already cued in to his questions regarding her possible motives. 

It was not his intention to accuse her of playing games.  Still, he needed to find out if that’s what has been going on, if only for his own peace of mind.  Knowing her well and usually being able to read her face which served as an instant display for her emotions, he was pretty sure he would know if she lied or not.  So, should he do what he hated and ask her straight out, possibly risking conflict and turmoil, or should he gloss things over and let his doubts grow and fester? He took a breath and jumped into the unknown waters, risking death and paralysis… or freedom.

“Ok, it had occurred to me that after all the stress we had about the issue of you having my baby in the past, that your current pregnancy possibly was some kind of safety net to keep me around.  You have not exactly been subtle about not wanting to be ‘the other woman’ anymore.  Not that you had ever been that, Lisa.  It has only always been you for me.  When I think Mrs. Jackson, it’s your image that’s in my head.”

He held his breath.  Ok, so he had given her a straight answer.  And then had glossed it over a bit, trying to take the sting out.  He glanced down at her.  She was perfectly still, and her head was against his chest again, robbing her of a cue to her emotions.  Well, she was still in his lap.  So, that was good, right?

Come on, Lisa, say something.

Maybe he should watch what he asked for.  Normally, Lisa and quiet were contradictions in terms.  He was used to her explosive shouting, even as he dreaded it.  Right now, the eerie silence felt very odd.

Finally, she cleared her throat.  “Ok… that must have been hard.”

“Say, what?”  At least she stayed calm, and as far as he could tell, her voice did not reveal anger.  Or indignant hurt.  She seemed surprised…and hesitant.  Was he not the only one swimming into unknown depths? 

“I expected you to skirt around or justify your doubts more.  But no, you gave it to me straight.  Thank you so much for that.  Michael, I don’t know if you realize it, but we have not really been all that straight and open with each other for years.  I mean, I think other than being naked half of the time we’re together, we’ve been keeping ourselves pretty cloaked.” 

Cloaked.  He had to acknowledge that the term indeed was fitting.  For himself, he had years ago decided in some mixture of conscious and subconscious resolve that he could only deal with Lisa if he kept the anger as well as the love in some secret hiding place.  He had been unwilling to not have her in his life and he had surrendered to his physical addiction to her.  However, there was absolutely no need to grant her access to his deep feelings.  Where once they were united in a way where they openly shared their thoughts and feelings, he had determined that sharing his body and part of his time was enough. 

Not being able to find words to reply or convey an adequate response, he just let his hand glide over her back, making sure she stayed close to him, close to his heart.

“And I’m not saying it’s all you, Mike.  I have kept myself emotionally closed off from you, too.  It hurt so much, when we fucked it all up.  It also hurt to not be with you, and then it started to tear me apart to be some kind of part time fling.”

“Lisa, I never saw you as that. I swear to God.”  He pulled back slightly so she could look at him, and he was amazed by the openness he saw in her eyes.  It felt like looking into a clear lake in just the right light when you realize you can see every boundary, every form of life, every sparkling reflection.

“Michael, I know you didn’t think in those terms when we were together.  But that’s how I felt.  And, you made it pretty clear without words that our relationship was different from before. I was less than your wife and more than your girlfriend.  When the kids were around, I felt closest to how we were in the past.  The rest of the time, or when we were not together, I felt like I was in some kind of undefined nowhere land.”

Undefined, yes.  He thought that while he loved her, it was not always inconvenient to be married to someone else.  That way, he could keep her where he needed her to be, and did not have to let her in any closer than he felt save.  While that protection served the purpose of keeping her at bay, it now occurred to him that it also had been unfair to both of them.  In an old habit, he felt some defensiveness rising, so he took a deep breath and swallowed it back down.

“Lise, I don’t know what to say.  Other than that you’re right.  So…what does all that mean as far as the baby?”

“I can tell you I did not purposely neglect to take birth control to get pregnant or to trap you.  I swear to you on everything we once had, Michael.  But…”

She took a deep breath and it occurred to him that he had not considered what he would do if she confessed to him that indeed she had been playing him.  He had wanted her to be honest, but now he started to wonder how in the heck he would deal with that honesty. 

“But, I can’t tell you that some part of me did not take the risk willingly. I kept telling myself that changes are that I would not get pregnant now.  I mean, I didn’t when we tried before.  I stopped taking the pill due to the clotting disorder, even though I knew there was a chance of becoming pregnant.  I mean unprotected sex, and large amounts of it, can result in pregnancy.  Part of my totally knew this, I’m sure.  Plus…I also realized you stopped using condoms.”

He sure had.  Thinking back, he did not know why he had made the change.  He did use them for a while after they got back together, and she had never commented on it.  On some level, he had meant to signal that he neither trusted her to be faithful, nor did he wish to share children with her any longer.  Then, something, at some point had changed.  And again, neither of them had brought it up. 

“You know, strangely enough, I get what you’re saying.  Janet just today reminded me that it takes, how did she put it, ‘the bees and the flowers’ to make babies. So, it’s not like you are the only one taking risks.”

Lisa responded by laughing and he kissed her nose.

“It is still so horrific to me that you guys talk about such things.”

“Spoken by the woman who felt she had to share a very intimate gift with my sister.”

“Hey, she is also my friend.  I had to show someone! Who was I gonna tell? Mother?”

It was his turn to break out in a burst of laughter.

“Heavens, no! So anyway…I know what causes babies, and yet, I relied on your very vague statement about birth control.  And that night, well…let’s just say our baby making chances went way up.”

“We sure both pushed the envelope. And I’m pretty sure, that’s when it happened, by the way.”

And here he thought he only gave her a glass dildo.  But no, she had a very special birthday present to show for after all.  He smiled proudly and did the math.  Their baby would be born in November.  The next Thanksgiving he would have two more blessings to be grateful for.

“Ok, so we both played birth control roulette.  And here we are. But you said you were also happy, right?”

Lisa raised her eyes to him and he saw her eye color had changed to a deeper blue again as a sheen of tears appeared.  She reached up and pulled him down to her, kissing him softly for several moments.  Finally, she leaned back a bit, holding eye contact.

“Yes, I am, Michael.  I am happy, scared, thrilled, excited, and totally amazed to share this baby with you.”

His throat seemed to constrict and once again he swallowed. “Lise, I know the situation is a bit…ah, complicated, but I promise we will work things out.  I have to protect Prince and the baby about to be born, but I promise you, I will make this right.  I want us to have a definition again.  I want you to feel like you can leave that nowhere land and move on with me, with us.”

“I want that, too, Mike.  You have no idea, how much.”

Their lips were drawn to each other again. 

When he finally broke apart, he smiled down at her. “Hey, my legs are asleep.  I think you gained weight already.”

Lisa playfully slapped him.  Before they knew it, they lightheartedly rolled around on the soft ground, with Michael ending up once again on the bottom, pulling her on top of him.  His hand fisted in her hair, his tongue found entrance into her mouth again, caressing Lisa’s tongue, circling it, stroking it, as his hands roamed over her back, then cupped her butt and pulled her into his once again growing erection. Lisa moaned into him as she arched up slightly.

“So, about the fact that we don’t have to worry about birth control now…wanna take advantage of that fact?” He kissed her neck as he breathed the question into her ear, biting her ear lobe while he was in the neighborhood. 

She giggled.  “Here?”

He raised his head and bit his lip, considering the answer.

“Well, actually, I think it’s getting dark and I would love to have you in a bed for a change again.  How about it?  Wanna do something really weird and make love in my bed?”

She rolled her eyes.  “Getting boring on me already, Michael?”

“I show you boring!” He gently got up, pulling her up with him, running toward the golf cart.  As they drove back to the house, Lisa snuggled up next to him, kissing his neck, letting her hand roam in mischievous, torturous circles from his strong thigh to his raging hard on that refused to subside.  Lisa found his zipper and pulled it down. He caught her hand, swerving on the wide path.  Good thing there was no traffic on the ranch today.

“Will you stop it?” I won’t’ make it back if you keep it up!”

“I am just trying to help.  It looked tight.  You know, I could just lean down and …”

“Don’t you dare!”

“Yeah, the way you drive, you will cause me to bite it off.  Good point.”

Michael cringed, made a face, and they both laughed.  Not absolutely sure if he was not a little bit disappointed to not have her lips on him, she distracted him by continuing to kiss his neck while her little hot hand did make its way into his jeans, rubbing and teasing him mercilessly.  She was such an evil woman!

Michael almost missed a turn as he drove back with considerably less caution than on the way out.  He needed her and he needed her soon.  Maybe the soft ground by the tree would have been perfect after all.  No, there was something extra thrilling about knowing he would make love to the mother of his child in his bed tonight.  Barely having brought the cart to a halt, he jumped out, and helped Lisa off the seat, scooping her up, and carrying her squealing and laughing, upstairs to his bed. 

(to be continued)

 

©2012 Erika B Michaels. All Rights Reserved. This story is a work of fiction. Any names, places, and other identifying features are used in a fictional manner, for entertainment purposes only, and are in no way representative of actual events. This work may not be reproduced, copied, transmitted, or stored without expressed written permission by Erika B Michaels. All photos and images, mentioned songs or song titles are copyright their creators. ABSOLUTELY no disrespect is intended to any persons portrayed in this work.