To Have and To Hold- NEW- chapter 11

11

Authors Note: Thanks for all the amazing feedback on the last chapter! I am rushing to post this as I did not post last week (SORRY!)- So, please excuse any typos I missed. I will correct as I read back over it.

Florida, May 1997

The waves of noises, voices, and shades of light swept over her and threatened to make her seasick again.  Why could things not simply remain dark and calm?  Without feeling? Without pesky people inhabiting her tomb?

“Lisa Marie can you hear me?”

No, I am dead. Leave me the fuck alone.

If there was one question she was truly getting sick of it was that one. Luck was obviously not on her side, or she would have lost her hearing…at least it would help her to not having to answer.

Summoning all her strength she nodded her head.

“Ok, good. Was that a nod?  Can you open your eyes?”

What was next? Questions about her ability to fly?  Why could she not simply lay here and fade away?  To nothing.  Because that was what she was.  No, she was less than nothing.  Because as long as you wasted space with your presence you are simply an abomination of nature.

She had been aware of having drifted in and out.  Of something.  She was not too sure what had happened.  Drunk? Stoned? Oh, that’s right…she had been sick.  Which was really funny- since when did she have to be in a hospital to be confirmed as one sick puppy. 

Shit, for someone hating to be under medical care, she sure had been in hospitals a lot here lately.

What you’re waiting for, Lisa? Salvation?  Or euthanasia?

If only! Why was it ok for suffering animals to be put out of their misery, but she had to keep on struggling.  Without air.  Without sunlight.  Without him.

Because, Lisa, you selfish bitch, you have two children to take care of.

So what?  They’d be better off without her. What a joke of a mother she was.  No surprise- she learned from the best…or the worst. She finally had done it. She had committed the ultimate sin and had neglected her babies.  Sure, she had suffered from some horrible illess: Addiction to the devil.  Her religion was Michael- and he had elected to excommunicate her from his saving grace.  Oh, she had repented ever since her oh so bright idea to dump the shit about Danny in his lap. It had seemed so smart. 

Hurt him once and free them both.  Brilliant plan.  Too bad it had killed her as soon as she saw the expression in his eyes- the betrayal, the disgust, the hurt.  Sure, her logical mind was well aware that she had every right to fuck every Tom, Dick, and Harry crossing her path.  She had been a free woman after that stroke of his pen.  He had chosen the Debster’s fertile womb over her.  So, what if she, in her pain had reached for some level of comfort? To be held by arms not choking her to death.  To feel desirable, to feel like a woman worth something – not like the disposable cum-catcher Michael had relinquished her to. The only problem was that she very much still belonged to Michael. 

As soon as Danny had collapsed on top of her, she knew it was a horrible mistake.  Hell, she didn’t even climax…instead, she had broken into tears, having Danny hold her, rock her, soothing her hysterics.

Poor guy.  If anyone ever had been used and abused by her it was him.  Yes, their marriage had been a train wreck, but it was her who could simply not love him the way he needed or deserved to be loved.  They never stood a chance.  She had done it- she had fallen in love so completely, not even the guilt over ripping her family apart could have stopped her madness. So, now he was her friend. The one holding her.  The one attempting to calm her.   Well, he had done a lot of that lately.  He and mother had been so very helpful.  In their own ineffective way, of course. Everyone had tried to exorcise her demon.  Sadly, there was no amount of herbs, cleansing tonics, and fasting ceremonies that seemed to be capable of getting him out of her mind, her body, and least of all, her heart.  She exercised until she almost fainted- hoping to be too weak, too exhausted, too drained to think about him, dream about him…long for him to forgive her.  But you could wish for the gulp of air while submerged by water as long as you wanted- it just wasn’t gonna happen.  And Michael’s forgiveness was about as likely as a rainforest springing to bloom in the Sahara.

His mind was made up and he had shaken her from the etch-a-scetch of his life.  Then had simply redrawn the idyllic picture. 

The question was how did he do it?

How had he gone from ‘I love you’ to complete and utter silence so effortless? 

How come he could love Debbie?  So quickly?  So easily… What about her?  Was she that ugly, that unlovable?  Of course- she was worse than yesterday’s trash in his eyes, and really, she could not blame him.  Still, had he fallen in love with the nurse now- or at least in lust?  How else was it possible that he…that he had…slept with that troll?  When he had sworn there was nothing between them like that?  Why had he done it?  After he had just held her, Lisa, in his arms.  After he swore he loved only her.  What? He wanted to have one more taste only to discover that she was nothing? Less than nothing.  Only an open wound- festering and bleeding, but never healing.  Well, she could have told him that.

“Lisa…your blood pressure is spiking again.  Come on, look at me…”

“What’s wrong with her?  You said she should have come out of it by now.”

Oh, goody. Mother was here.  Now, there was a reason to stay asleep. Forever.  Since Prince Charming wasn’t going to make an appearance she might as well stay in her glass coffin.

“It’s perfectly normal. She simply had a little adverse reaction to the anesthesia.  But she is stabilizing.”

That was funny.  Not every day someone called her stable.  Or stabilizing.  Getting oh so close. Typical: That was her- always within reach of heaven.  Until she kicked the stool lose from under herself, as the laughing, gaping mouth of hell swallowed her whole.  The queen of self-manipulation.  Welcome home.

“What happened?  Why does the flue have me on my ass like this?”

Was that her voice?  Shit, she sounded like she has smoked five packs of cigarettes.  When really, she had been so sick, she had not been smoking in days. Before…before…what had happened again?  Oh yeah, she had somehow passed out.

And no, this time it had not been her fault.  The last time, yeah… She had totally lost it then.  The pain, the anger, the desperation- it had all overtaken her.  She had smashed the bottle of vodka and had used the shards to decorate her arm.  Fuck that pen she had used before- these decorations would be much more permanent.  Finally, the world would take one look at her and know what she was: an ugly, unlovable abomination- an aberration of nature.  The rich little girl who was too fucked up to hold on to a man who wanted nothing more than to have a family with her. 

“Lisa Marie, you didn’t have the flue.  You had bronchitis and a severe liver infection. Your gallbladder had also been compromised and we had to remove it. But you will be fine- we finally got your fever under control and your blood work is improving.”

“You removed my gallbladder?  Am I not a bit too young for that?”

“Lisa, your system was severely compromised.  Your mother told me you had been undergoing some alternative ah…treatments…and it seems those have weakened you.  You were undernourished and dehydrated.”

His tone finally was the reason for Lisa to open her eyes.  Yep- she was right.  He was shooting accusatory glimpse at her mother.  That was funny! Mom actually looked- was that flustered?  She must have skipped her weekly Botox treatment to manage that one.

“Doctor, Lisa had been following highly proven cleansing procedures to help her through a taxing time.”

“I don’t want to sound like an insensitive jerk, Miss Presley, but your daughter almost died from those highly proven procedures.  Had you not brought her in finally- after how many days of high fever- we would have lost her.”

“Well, doc- I guess you’re a doctor, right- I am an adult, and I just simply didn’t think I was all that sick. I thought I had the flue. This one is not on my mother.  It’s all on me.”

“Well, Miss Presey- and yes, I am your doctor here. Doctor Jackson- nice to meet you.  As I was about to say: that’s why we have family and friends.  To get us help when we become too sick to fend for ourselves. And you should have been brought in five days earlier- at the very least.”

Lisa giggled and instantly regretted it.  A sharp pain ripped through her and she flinched.

“Ouch- fuck! Sorry- Really? Your name is Doctor Jackson? What’s your first name?”

“Lisa, really, I don’t see how any of this is funny….” Mother stepped next to her and fluffed her pillow a bit. 
“Oh, shit, Mom- I guess you wouldn’t.”

It was damn hilarious.  How many times had she and Mike played doctor and patient?  Well, this guy was certainly not an eye-sore, but he could not hold a candle to her doctor. And his treatments had been less painful, too.  Now if only she could figure out how to recover  from being infected by him?

“Lisa, get serious. It’s not that unusual a name.” Her mother gifted her with that famous, exasperated look, asking her to please be an adult.   “ -So, Doctor. When can we expect her to be released from here?”

If she wanted her to be an adult, why did she have to treat her like the perpetual little kid? Had it ever occurred to Mommy Dearest that she should lead by example and grant her the great privilege to be an adult?

“Hopefully by the end of the week. We went in laproscopically, and as long as everything keeps progressing as nicely as it has been, I see no reason to not release you, Miss Presley.  If you promise to keep away from some of your rituals….or procedures, or whatever you call them.”

Oh, I will be good as gold as long as I stay away from my main poison.  And I repelled that pest for good.  Even if part of me screams that salvation lies in his eyes.

“I promise to be good, Doctor. Scout’s honor.”

“Doctor- are you prejudiced against us being Scientologists?”

Lisa snorted at her mother’s indignant remark.

Why, oh, why could she not laugh out loud?  This was the funniest thing that has happened in the last year at least.  Mother sounded so…discriminated against.  Next thing she would threaten a civil law-suit. 

“No, Ma’am.  I am prejudiced against young women being brought into my care at death’s door for no apparent reason other than being denied prudent medical care. By the way- have you decided how to deal with the ongoing deliveries?  And now that Miss Presley is awake, I think we can deliver her messages the nurses have been holding, correct?”

Lisa looked from her mother to the sexy young doc- and tried to figure out what the hell she was missing.  Mother looked as if she was sucking on lemons.

“Well, I don’t want to upset my daughter with any of that…business.  I thought I had given very clear instructions…”

“Well, no disrespect Ma’am, but your instructions are null and void now that Miss Presley can make her own decisions again.”

Lisa wanted to hug the man! What were the chances he would come and move in with her as her personal physician? 

“Thank you, Doctor Jackson! I think my mother has significant issues with allowing me to make my own decisions. I’m glad I’m not the only one noticing that. What is she trying to do now? Run your hospital?”

The doctor smiled at her and she fell a little bit in love with him.  Just kidding, obviously- but he was a keeper.  Too bad her heart was too taken and too damaged or she’d go after him.  Then again- why mess up the poor, nice man?  After all, she poisoned everyone she came in contact with.  Just look how she had turned Michael into a bitter, hateful, vindictive…bastard.  She really could not think of another word.  Not for one moment did she not think he had sent Debbie after her.  Little did it matter if them fucking was the truth or a wretched lie…there was no way in hell little Nursey would have run her mouth about something like this without Michael knowing.  Debbie would have been too scared Lisa might call Mike to check.  And he normally hated to have his business out there- unless he was sending a message.  Which, in that case, he had been.

And it was received as the poisonous dart it was.  It just about killed her.  And that shocked her into realizing the scope of her madness. Begging him for forgiveness had been bad enough, cutting herself up until she was too dizzy and weak to care if she bled out or not, was pure insanity.  Her punishment had to be life.  As all truly wretched creatures- she had to trudge along the path on this earth.  Plus, one glance into the worried eyes of Ben and Riley had sufficed to set her straight.  There was no way out.  Not for her- she had to do better for her kids.  She had to try.  Michael could bed his wife or not- more power to him.  She hoped the bitch gave him the clap.  And a soft dick- for eternity.

“Well, she is not trying to run it, per se.  We are simply trying to figure out what to do with the flowers.”

Lisa looked around. What flowers?  The room looked sterile and cold.  It could have used some flowers- unless her mother had been worried it would make it look like a funeral home.

“Why don’t we talk about that later. Doctor, thank you so much for all your help. Can I talk to you outside before you resume your very busy schedule?”

Mother grabbed his harm and pushed the man toward the door.  Doctor Jackson obviously had not read the rule book as written by Priscilla Presley which demanded the world to revolve around her command, and he gently removed her hand from his coat. 

“Mother? Why am I getting the suspicion you are trying to hide something from me? Doc, correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure I am not supposed to be upset, right?”

“Mommy!” With a squeal that would normally shatter her eardrums but today was akin to the most precious song of an angel, Riley burst into the room. “Daddy just told us you’re awake. And Mommy- you won’t believe all the flowers you’ve been getting. And stuffed animals, too…”

“Riley- your Mom needs to rest- come on.”

“I think the best medicine for Miss Presley is to see her children. But only for about fifteen minutes for now. We don’t want to wear you out.  Plus, if you would like it, we can bring some of the flowers in- but we probably won’t be able to accommodate them all. Please let the nurses know what you would like to do.  You could donate them, or we can come up with other solutions. But I think it would be nice for you to have some of them around you.  I will check back in a little while- and send the nurse in to make sure you stay stable. Good to see you back among the living, Miss Presley.”

Lisa smiled at him and thanked him, while she continued to squeeze her little girl’s hand.  Right there- in Riley’s big eyes, in her smile, in the touch of her small hand- that was were salvation lay.  She had fucked up royally- but she somehow had done alright by her kids.  And she needed to fight like hell to live for them.  Never again could she simply surrender to that dark, scary place, pulling her down. 

Priscilla followed the doctor out and moments later, Danny, carrying Ben entered the room.

“Hey- you have no clue how good it is to see some color back in your cheeks. You scared us all to death, Lisa.”  He placed Ben gently next to Lisa, and her baby hugged her as if he never wanted to let go.

“Mommy- you’re all better again?  I don’t like it when you’re sick.  It’s scary and Riley can’t read me the story like you do!” 

Lisa swallowed down her tears and brushed his blond, wild curls out of his forehead. 

“Sorry, Benji.  I think I’m done being sick for a while now.  I know I was sick a lot lately, but the nice doctor told me I’m good as new.”

“Well, good- Daddy said we can go back to see Mickey again soon- when you’re all better. And Mommy- maybe Michael can come, too, right?”

Danny exchanged a glance with her, and his lips tightened, indicating how mad any mention of Michael still rendered him.  Hey, not her fault the kids still missed Michael- and for them, Disney would probably always be tied to Michael.  And they weren’t the only ones.  She hated going there now- hated to be reminded of him every step of the way.

“Big guy- how ‘bout we go to Seaworld instead, hm?  You said last night you wanted to visit Shamu.  We do that when Mommy feels better, ‘kay?”

“Can we all go together, Mommy?  You and me, and Ben, and Daddy? Like a family?”

Riley reached for Lisa’s hand at the same time as she touched her father’s arm.  The gesture brought Lisa to tears.  That’s all her babies wanted: a family.  And she fucked it up- again.

“We are a family, Riley. Right, Lisa?” Danny reached for her hand and she knew she should say something sweet and reassuring.  Sure, they were a family- their modern version of that concept anyway.  But she hoped the kids would not construct some kind of fantasy from their deep desire to have a family again. The family she had blown to bits…for what?  For a man who never loved her the way she needed to be loved. A man who tried to force her into something she had not been ready for.  A man who made a baby with another woman.  And, as Debbie had informed her in that run in in February, Prince was not the first and not the last installment of their efforts.  It had been bad enough to suspect- but to know, to be told that Debbie had been pregnant one time before… that had simply killed her all over again.  What in the world had he been thinking? 

So, basically, she had robbed her kids of their family for a dream that had blown up in her face, then she had destroyed them again when Michael, whom they adored and worshipped, had left.  And finally- in all her fucking self-pity and tunnel vision, she almost had killed herself.  A fitting climax!

Great job, Lisa.  You win mother of the century! You even managed to beat out your own mom.  What an accomplishment!

Gently, Lisa withdrew her hand from Danny’s grasp. 

“Well, we are Mommy and Daddy- and you know we love to take you guys on trips. So, as soon as I feel better, I promise we’ll figure out what adventure we’ll be going on.”

“Mommy- you gonna be happy now?  Did the doctor operate your boo-boo out of you? You not gonna cry no more, right?” Ben put his chubby hand on her cheek to assure himself.

“Ben- Mommy was just sick. Of course, she is better now! Right, Mommy?”

Lisa teared up again, and attempted to sit up more, hugging both her babies, not caring about the little bit of pain.  She needed to have her head examined for putting herself at risk like this.  And all for nothing. For castles in the sky.  Time to be back on earth with both feet.

The door opened and a nurse came in.

“Ok, Miss Presley- the fifteen minutes are up. You need your rest.  You guys can see your Mom again later for a bit.  And, Doctor Jackson said we should bring in some of your flowers, is that ok?”

Danny looked at the nurse, and now looked about as happy as her mother had earlier. What in the world was up with those frigging flowers?

“Does Miss Presley know you are bringing them in?”

“Well, Danny, this Miss Presley does- and that is all that counts, right? And will someone please fill me in on what the f… flipping drama is with those flowers?” 

“Lisa- we are simply trying to keep things calm.  No one wants you…upset.. .again.”

“Danny! You’re making less sense than Mother- why the heck would flowers upset me?”

She watched three vases being carried in: one with her favorite peach colored roses, followed by an insane bouquet of white roses, one, possibly even larger of red roses, and then – as soon as the next couple of vases were brought in she understood without having to look at any card or ask any more questions. 

That was why they all were freaking out!

Her hand flew to her mouth and her heart skipped several beats, making a machine go off, and Danny look at her with that expression she was so familiar with. 

“Fuck, here we go…” He was obviously upset enough to forget the kids were in the room.

“ Aren’t these amazing? I don’t think I ever have seen such amazing bouquets with sunflowers, Miss Presley. There are more where these came from, Ma’am.  Is it ok if we put them down in here? And what would you have us do with the other three rooms full?” Also, we have a box full of messages we have been taking – your mother wanted them thrown out, but Doc Jackson had us save them for you.”

Lisa simply managed to stare without understanding at  the sea of flowers before her.  What the hell was going on here?  Why was he torturing her?  How…how did he know?  Why did he fucking care? 

And why did part of her open like a blossom graced by the light of the morning after an endless night?

Her first instinct was to scream at the nurses to take the fucking flowers out of the room- to put them anywhere but near her.  This could not be…they could not be from Michael.  It made no sense at all.  Then again- who else would send her sunflowers?  Why would anyone be so cruel?

Tears burned in her eyes and obscured her vision.

Danny motioned for one of the nurses to come over and take her blood pressure, just as Priscilla stuck her head into the door.

“What happened?”
“What do you think? They brought the flowers in- Mom- could you take the kids out? Hey, guys, Mommy needs some more rest, ok?” Danny handed Ben over to her mother.  The glance they exchanged said it all: Here we go…Lisa is back to being stuck on insane. Poor little lunatic!

“But Daddy- they are so pretty!  Mommy- those must be from Michael, right? His happy flowers! See Mommy- he wants you to get better, too.”

Unless this was his latest assassination attempt. Surely, she would be the first person to die from an ambush delivered by flowers.  If only she could share her daughter’s enthusiasm.  Oh, to be an innocent child again, seeing only the good in everything.

“Riley- please go with your grandmother like Daddy said.  I see you guys later, ok? I love you!” Her voice sounded artificial, but she had to give herself credit: it conveyed more life than she currently felt.  Hard to feel anything when wrapped in numbing ice once again.  Her body knew how to prepare itself for impending shock- it simply chose to go sub-zero.  

“You know, what Danny? Why don’t you take them?  They look tired.  I will talk to Lisa and see what she wants me to do with…these.” Mother motioned over the blooms before her as if they were all flesh-eating monsters.  Well, she was pretty close, actually.

“Hello? Can you all stop talking above my head? I’m right here.  But yes, Riley and Ben, why don’t you go and get some dinner with Dad- and I see you later.  Danny- thank you for bringing them. I would like to see them first thing tomorrow, again, ok? And please,” Lisa looked up at the nurse still taking her blood pressure, “Could you please make sure whatever other flowers there are – especially if they are from Mister Jackson, please have them donated to other patients, or to anyone in the community.  I think I got quite enough…here…enough to last.  And please, if you would like to take some- go ahead.”

The kids hugged and kissed her, wished her sweet dreams and happily skipped out of the room with Danny, who had kissed her on the head and told her to stay sane.  Easier said than done.

“What about the stuffed animals?” The nurse asked after noting Lisa’s vitals on her chart.

What the hell was happening here? Had he gone insane?  He went from ignoring her to smothering her in blossoms and plush toy pets?

“Donate them to the local orphanage and the children’s’ wing here in the hospital. I’m sure they will be thrilled.”

“Who will be thrilled?  And man! It’s so good to see you, Lisa!  Man! You got enough flowers here? Thank God I was running late and didn’t have time to get any. Let me guess- my brother struck, right?”

Janet rushed into the room like a breath of fresh air.  Lisa didn’t have enough time to notice how flustered the nurses became before her friend hugged her, kissing her cheek.  At times she forgot that the people she loved the most were those megastars throwing regular folks on their asses.  To her, Janet was simply the most welcome sight possible right now.

“Janet- oh God- I am so glad to see you!”

“Not as glad as I am. I was worried to death. Hi, Priscilla- how are you today? Thanks for finally letting me know that my girl here was ok.”

Was there an edge to Janet’s velvet voice?  God, she was so much like her brother. Sweet and gentle- and with a razor sharp edge that could tear people to shreds.

“Janet…” Priscilla nodded in Janet’s direction curtly.  “Well, I will let you two talk.  Probably not much use telling you Lisa needs her rest and you should come back later.  Please do not wear Lisa out too much. She just came around. And I would like to talk to you before you leave. Thank you.” Priscilla blew her daughter a kiss, then without another word left the room.  The ice queen in action.

Janet made a face, then rolled her eyes.  “Man- your mom is some kind of scary! I bet she wants me to call off Mike and his flower invasion.  If I’m right I know they had to rent out five more rooms to keep his floods contained. He gets so gushy.  What did he say- or write?”

“Not sure.  I seem to have missed all the excitement. But Janet- man, what the hell is going on?  What’s with the presents?  What is he up to now? Why…? How….”  Lisa could only gesture to convey her confusion.

“I had to tell him, Lisa.  He…he had already started to ask all kinds of questions a while back.  You know how he gets, once he sniffs blood he won’t let go… I thought for sure he was going to call you after we talked.  Even I told him to give you space.  But you know, he never listens.  I guess he decided to back off after he talked to your mother. But now...”

“Woa! He talked to my mother?  When did that happen?”

Janet looked as if she had said too much, but then, after biting her lip in a way that reminded Lisa too much of the similar gesture she was oh so used to, she volunteered the info. “Well, I might as well tell you. I told him some stuff, and he became very…concerned.”

What kind of “stuff” had Janet told him?  How much did she know?  Well, she had told her some things, and if one added that to the damn tabloid stories the gaps could easily be filled in.  While Lisa hated when the rags lied, it was even worse when they hit the bulls-eye.

“How very sweet of him.  He is also concerned about pollution and extinct animals. Glad I now seem to fit into a similar category.”  It was impossible to contain the acerbic sarcasm. How dared he be concerned?  It was his fault that Debbie had cut her heart out- and now he was worried? What the fuck!

“Lisa, I get why you are so cynical. And even if you don’t believe it: Mike loves you.  He always has and it looks like he always will.”

“Well, maybe I should be glad he doesn’t hate me?. Heaven knows if he did, what would he do to me, then?”

“Look, I don’t wanna be drawn into all that again. You know I think he was a major shit for doing what he did with that woman.  But I saw his face, Lisa.  He worries and he cares.  A lot. More than he wants admit, and more than he probably wants to feel.  When he called me from Paris after I told him you were in the hospital, he was almost hysterical.”

“Oh please!  I think you’re putting it on a bit thickly for you brother. I know you love him, Janet, but really?  If anything he is trying to assuage some nagging his conscience might give him. You know – the parts he could not shut up totally with his idiotic, sanctimonious rationalizations. He hates to feel badly about himself.  And so Michael buys himself peace of mind- with flowers and toys.  I am surprised I don’t have boxes of diamonds stacking up in the hall.”

“Oh, is that what those were?”Janet winked at her and Lisa actually had to laugh.

“Don’t even joke, Jan!”

“Lisa- seriously. He wants to see you.”

“He wants to what?” She had to make sure she heard correctly.

Oh God no! She wanted him nowhere near her.  Right now, she feared him worse than death.  The scariest thing was how her heart already jumped for joy, calling for him…needing his touch, his smile… No, no, no! He better stay the hell away from her!  She needed her strength back before she could even think about facing him. 

“He tried to fly out the other day but had two things he could not postpone.”

“What? Did he have to get ready for the weekly bedding of the wife? I am sure that was scheduled in his calendar.”

Janet’s horrified expression was utterly entertaining.

“Really?  Lisa, he keeps talking about how this is all for business.  So…I think you are way out of line here.  But anyway- he couldn’t fly in right away.”

Lisa bit her lip and decided against filling Janet in on the news Debbie so sweetly had shared with her. Why traumatize Janet with such toxic images?

“And please, if you care about me at all you will contact him right now and tell him to heal the world and conserve plane fuel by staying  wherever he is now. Please Janet, I mean it. I cannot survive seeing him…not now…not yet.  It would…it would just…”

Kill me.  Pull out my entrails and watch vultures eat them.

She swallowed hard and averted her gaze from her friend.  Blinking away a tear, she felt Janet’s hand on hers.

“Lisa…I’m so sorry. I thought you might want to see him, but I don’t want him to hurt you.  Are you sure?  Are you certain you can’t see if he can make up for some of the pain he caused you? “

“Unless he can erase the past two years, there isn’t anything he can possibly do to make up for the pain.  The only thing he might possibly give me is freedom from him.  The luxury to rebuild my life.”

“Are you sure that’s what you really want? It seems that not too long ago you wanted to make it all up to him.”

They both probably thought about the letter Lisa had told Janet about.  The total surrender and humiliation- offering him children, begging for his forgiveness.  Hopefully, he had thrown it away as soon as Katherine gave it to him.

“I was drunk.”

“In vino veritas.”

“Whatever.  I changed my mind when your lovely, diplomatic sister in law all but gave me a tape of their activities…”

“What, playing chess?”

Lisa made a face and Janet stuck her finger down her throat, causing Lisa to laugh- then cringe in pain again.

“Oh, Lise- don’t I’m sorry. I don’t wanna hurt you- take it easy girl.”

“I’m okay. I love it when you make me laugh- and I’m sure this stupid thing will heal soon. Can you believe they fucking took my gallbladder out? Fuck!”

“Yeah, that sucks.  But I am so glad to see some spunk back in you.  I missed that.  I was so worried.  And he was, too.”

Lisa turned serious and grabbed Janet’s hand. “Look, I love you.  And I appreciate you.  But I can’t go there. I can’t think that he is concerned and that he cares.  As much as it hurts to think that he hates me- it’s what I need to think to make me go on.  If I suspect he still cares…I can’t break away.  You asked what I want?  I want him. I want him so badly.  I want us to be together like we were. I wanna be in his arms- and I want him to make me strong and invincible.  I want him to look at me like I’m the most amazing thing that has ever happened to him.  I want…”

Her voice broke and she lowered her gaze for a second, wiping away her tears.  God- this hurt so badly.  She almost longed for the stinging sensation form the incision as it was much preferable to that dull, gutting agony.  Taking a deep breath, she looked back up at Janet, who’s eyes seemed to swallow her with their sincerity and compassion.

“I want what’s in the past, Jan.  I just can’t have what I want. And I know I can’t go back.  For one crazy, idiotic moment in time I almost thought we could somehow forge ahead and pretend everything we both had said and did didn’t matter.  But it does.  Deb matters. And my choices matter.  Our crazy tendency to lash out at each other matters.  I got kids- and so does he now.  We can’t keep doing that.  We gotta break out of the hellish cycle we’re stuck in. So, no matter how sad he feels right now, how much he thinks he…hell, I don’t know what he thinks.  But it doesn’t matter anymore.  As much as I want him and as much as I love him, I gotta teach myself to not care. I gotta get from here to indifference.  It’s the only way to somehow have a life.”

“And you think you can do that, Lise?  Look how hard you tried those past months.”

“No, I felt sorry for myself and I wallowed in my pain.  I gotta stop that shit- it almost killed me, and then what will become of my kids?  So, this illness, maybe was what I needed.  They told me I almost died.  And I wanted nothing more just months ago.  But not now.  My love for him is killing me- and I can’t do that to my kids.”

“Lisa- I don’t know… What if he is sorry? If he can somehow make it up to you- and you to him?”

“It doesn’t matter.  He’s married.  So, what is him being sorry gonna do?  Plus, believe me- last time I checked he didn’t do sorry.  He only does justification and blaming others- he is the victim- and the rest of the world is out to get him.”

“Look, you might be right with much of that, but I’m telling you- I never heard him like that…well, maybe one other time when Mother was ill. He loves you, Lisa.”

“He loves the idea of me.  He can’t stand the reality of me for longer than it takes for us to get naked and sweaty.”

“TMI- thank you.”

“Well, you get my drift.”

“I guess…”

Lisa stared at the flowers, lost in thought.

“Janet- is he on his way? Tell me the truth, please.” the question was a timid whisper.

“I really don’t know, Lisa.  I can’t get in touch with him.  He had some function in Romania or something and then I couldn’t get him.  I don’t think he has any concerts for the next couple of days- so he might be back in Paris with the baby.”

Lisa felt dizzy and weak. 

God, if you exist, please, please let him not come here.  I can’t do this yet.  I need to get stronger.  I know I’m a weak loser, but I gotta be tougher.  If I see him now, I will crumble. I have zero immunity to him, and if he smiles at me just one time, I am not sure what I will do. 

Janet stayed a bit longer, after she promised she would enlist Katherine to try and stop Michael from contacting her.  Maybe it would work.  He might listen to his mother.  It was worth a try.

Lisa started to become highly anxious and worried as the evening progressed without being able to pinpoint what was driving her nuts. Finally, she was given a light sedative as her blood pressure kept going through the roof.  Doctor Jackson informed her that she would stay longer if she could not find ways to relax.  The sedatives finally kicked in and wrapped her in cotton candy- making all her concerns float away like balloons released from their anchors, soaring into the sun.

The next thing Lisa knew, she startled awake.  Sitting up, she felt nauseous and disoriented.  Where was she?  She had dreamed of Michael, of holding hands with him, walking over the green meadows of Neverland.  They had driven out to the hills, getting ready to have a picnic- and he pulled her into his arms, kissing her, holding her to him, as the surrounding breeze blessed them with its cleansing touch.  Lisa stared around herself, trying to make sense of the faint light and the sounds of a machine.  Oh God- this was a hospital, right?  She had lost a baby…their baby.

Michael, where was he?  She looked over to her side.

Sure enough, there was a chair- but no Michael.

Why did he leave?  He knew how destroyed she was- why was he not here…

Lisa started to cry…silently at first, then sobs swept her away into a sea of despair.  Her heart rate felt out of control…what was she so horribly afraid of? He’d be right back. He probably just…

Oh shit! It was a lie- her fucking mind had tricked her.  He wasn’t here- and she was not in this room because she had lost their baby.  Lisa attempted to force herself to breathe deeply, but she felt herself be gripped by frantic hyperventilation. 

He was gone.  She had lost their baby and he had gone and made another one. 

You’re nothing but a baby machine to him, Lisa…

You’re nothing but some hot ass he likes to fuck, Lisa…

You’re nothing but a whore, Lisa…

The hellish trio of her mother, Debbie, and Michael formed a braid of burning ropes, descending onto her flesh, lashing at her, tearing her flesh from her body, her heart. 

Reaching out to something, anything, to rescue her, she finally rang the nurse’s call button, and two lovely ladies rushed in, pushing some magic medicine, making it all ok, releasing her again from her shackles, allowing her to escape.

Some distant noise startled her and she once again felt insecure, alone, attacked.  Lisa shook her head and she thought she heard her own voice repeating “no, no, no….” in some sort of chant.

Her imagination must have been in overdrive as she suddenly felt as if someone held her hand, and hushed her gently…

“Shht…baby- It’s ok.  You sleep… It’s all gonna be ok… Nothing’s gonna hurt you…I’m here now.”

Funny how certain sounds and words living in her memory were at times all she needed to find rest… He wasn’t here. But maybe she could delude herself for a little while longer that he was comforting her.

What could it hurt if it helped her to make it through the night.  As long as she reminded herself it wasn’t real.

Next she opened her eyes, she felt one hundred percent better. Almost refreshed.  By some miracle she must have slept after all.  Those last medications must have done the trick.

Lisa tried to roll over, but her hand was stuck somehow.  Looking to her side, she froze.

What the fuck?

Why could she not wake up from these dreams…these nightmares?

Ok, it’s easy.  Don’t move.  Just close your eyes and open them again. 

“Hey, sleepy head.” The velvet voice…the mesmerizing eyes, those lips…that smile…

No, no, no. It was not real. He was not here. No way, no how!

“You’re not real- go away.”

His quiet giggling sound sure was a good imitation.

“Sorry, Princess, I’m real, last I checked. And I just got here.  So, I ain’t leaving already.”

Once again, her pulse quickened. This time, she pulled her hand back hard.  He let her go, and raised an eyebrow.

How was this possible?  How had he even been allowed in? 

“How- why- when? Shit…where are my nurses? I’ll have you thrown out.” Her voice was hoarse and her throat felt swollen and constricted.  Allergic reaction to Michael.

“How: airplane. When – couple of hours ago.  Why- because I had to. You were  calling to me.  Not really, I mean- but I felt you needed me.”

“That’s where you’re wrong.  Chalk it up to cosmic miscommunication. Crossed wires or something.  You didn’t have to do shit. I didn’t call you and I sure as shit don’t need y’a. So, you waltz yourself out of here before anyone notices you’re here and you cause your usual havoc.”

“Too late. But no one saw me coming in. You know how I can be- sneaky. Plus, your night nurses were very nice and polite.  And helpful. I only had to sign some stuff for them.”

How simple life must be for Michael.  He hadn’t seen her in months and now he just popped up, acting as if he had just talked to her yesterday. As if they were friends or at least friendly.  As if he had every right to be here.

“Well, you can sign your credit card statement when you buy yourself a ticket back to wherever you came from.”

The bowls of hell, as far as she was concerned right now. The devil reaching out to torture her again for her sins.

“Paris. And I don’t pay for my tickets like that. The charter is on standby.  So stop being rude. I ain’t seen you in forever and you’re bitching me out. Who does that?”

This was downright funny. Rude? She was being rude?  And of course he hadn’t seen her.  He had pretended she didn’t exist.  He had basically thrown her out of his suite in Australia. No, had his staff escort her out.  She knew Carlos had been horrified as he kept apologizing for his boss, driving her to another hotel.  Lisa had attempted to call Michael that night, had wanted to explain… But no, he was not to be reached.  Finally, she had chartered her own plane and flown back home.  He could take his own plane and shove it up his ass! So, now it was she who was being rude?  It would be funny were it not so totally infuriating!

“You broke into my hospital room and ambushed me- and I am being rude?”

“Why do you wanna beef with me, Lisa?  I got here ‘cause I was worried as all get-out.  I thought I was losing you.  I was so scared.  Even when Dunk said you were better and Mom for some reason called and said to fly back- but no- I had to see you.”

“Well, you are a hero.  Or a saint. Or both. Now, you can go. You saw me. How do I look? Alive, right? Leave.  If I decide to die, you can come to the funeral- just don’t send flowers again. You got that covered for a lifetime.” She snarled.

“You are welcome.  Were they pretty?” His smug look was annoying.  And adorable.  Oh shit!

Lisa made a scoffing sound, not wanting to give him an answer.  Maybe he would go away if she ignored him…

“You know that you still look like a little girl when you sleep?  Pale and vulnerable- so sweet.  But I get it, now you’re fierce again. Which is good, I guess, you must be better. Gosh, Lisa- I was besides myself…falling to pieces…”

“Sorry to inconvenience you. You look like you are back together, Humpty Dumpty.  So, thanks for stopping by and off you go. I think you have a son and a wife waiting for you.” Lisa tried her best to sound nonchalant, but she was sure he could catch the undertone. He was amazingly perceptive and empathetic- when he chose to be.

Michael bit his lip and looked down for a moment.

“I didn’t come here to fight with you, Lise.  I…I..”

“Why did you come here, Michael? Curiosity? Wanna see if you finally defeated me?”

Looking up, she didn’t know what to make of the hurt expression in those stunning eyes. God, he looked good. Amazing.  Tired, and a bit angular- but so damn beautiful.

Lisa, watch out! Don’t think that- stay angry.  Stay furious.  Don’t’ stare into the sun- you will be blinded again.

“No, Lisa. I came because I heard you tried to kill yourself.  Then, I heard you had some kind of deadly infection…Janet left a message saying you had gallbladder surgery.  Can you believe the nurses wouldn’t give me any information? I’ve been so worried.”

Oh, Michael and his sweet indignation. 

“Bad enough they let you into the room.  Why would they tell you anything?”

“”Cause I’m your …”  He stopped short and bit his lip.  Yeah, how funny was that?  Had he actually forgotten?

“Glad you stopped yourself. You are her husband, remember.  In every way that counts, I hear. Thanks for sharing that, by the way.”

The darkened room could not hide the fact he was blushing.  He studied his feet once again.

“I don’t wanna talk about any of that. Not sure what you heard.”

Yeah…had she really expected he would admit to anything? 

This whole situation was so ridiculous.  And ironic.  Not too long ago, less than two years prior actually, she had been in a hospital.  Worried to death about her husband- and no one wanted to come clean with her about what had been going on.  And she actually had been his next of kin.  She wondered if he also thought about the deja vue aspect of it all.  Only in reverse.  And minus the fact that she had a right to ask questions back then.

Silence spread ominously.  Lisa studied his face.  God, she hated when he was cockie- but she hated when he seemed unsure of himself even more. Because that was the Michael she fell in love with.  The man who allowed himself to share his fears and insecurities with her.  Once upon a time. Before the fairy tale ended and his armor had snapped back into place.

She felt as if she should say something to make him feel better… Why the hell was that her job?  Why did she care? And still, he had flown all the way to Florida for her.  Despite having a young child. And a huge tour. 

Come on, Lise.  What does it cost to be kind? 

Her heart?

“Congratulations on the baby, Michael. I saw his pictures. He is gorgeous.”

She was not able to hide the fact that her voice was getting choked up.  It was the truth.  From what she had seen in hours of staring at the same pictures over and over, his son was an amazing little baby. 

Michael’s eyes rested on her silently and seriously.  There was a new light.  She could see how proud he was of his baby. And he should be.

“Thanks, Lisa Marie.  He is.  And he’s such a good baby.  So sweet and happy…he’s already lifting his head so good and…” Michael caught himself, realizing probably that his paternal gush was somehow misplaced. 

She hated this! Hated that she was happy for him while drowning in sorrow of what could have been inside. 

Not being able to help herself, she reached over and gave his hand a squeeze. “That’s great Michael- it really is.”

You better watch out, Lisa.  You are on a slippery slope.  Keep the anger right there- it will protect you.  Nothing else will. 

Only, she was too tired.  Her system was shutting down and she felt her eyes get heavy and her vision blurry.  The meds were probably still active.

“Lisa, are you ok? Do you want me to call someone?  You need something?” He had jumped up and bent down over her, checking her forehead like you do with a child.

You. I need you.  Heaven help me.   I know you will be the death of me, but don’t leave.

“You…”

No, don’t you dare and say it- are you crazy?

Michael looked down on her and brought his head closer to be able to hear her. “What, baby?”

His scent, his breath…her oxygen…nurturing her and poisoning her…freeing her and retying the anchor.

Lisa swallowed hard.  “You mind handing me the water?”

“Oh sure….” He straightened and reached for the cup, holding it out to her.  Trying to sit up, she noticed all strength had been zapped from her veins.  Michael sat down on the bed, putting his arm around her shoulders, helping her sit up, steadying her while he brought the water to her parched lips.  Her hand came up and she felt the electric charge when her fingers made contact with his.  Freezing, she stared up at him.  Her gaze was returned and when she looked into his deep, dark, eyes, she let go of all fear and jumped into the black hole once again.  Right now, she would willingly give her life for that one moment.  Feeling cared for.  Feeling sheltered. 

“Ok, baby, I gotcha. Take a sip.  Slowly…”  When he brought the cup to her lips, she took several sips.  This was the peace – her holy grail.  She was being restored. 

The inner voice told her that she was only lying to herself, but she unplugged from that matrix of fear just for now. 

Michael helped her recline and he pulled the covers over her after putting the water back.  Lovingly, his warm hand came to rest on her forehead after he brushed some strands of her hair from her face.  God, it felt so good.

You have to tell him to leave Lisa. Now.  You are only making this so much worse.

It wouldn’t matter.  He wouldn’t go.  She could see it in his eyes.  Feel it in his touch.  He wanted to stay. 

Tired beyond words, her eyes closed and she felt the touch of his fingers on her cheek. Gentle like the winds of change, the sparkly of the rising sun…

The gentle rain of tears you will cry when he leaves…

“Brave little girl. You rest, ok.  You need to sleep.”

“Michael…you’re not a dream, are you?”

He laughed quietly. “Now, you normally call me a nightmare- so I know you are out of it.  Lisa- can I prove it? Can I stay to prove to you I’m for real?”

Sleep was overtaking her, carrying her away on a gentle moon beam…surrounding her with such peace, she almost felt like crying.  Or laughing. 

Had she heard him correctly?  Just in case, she nodded her head.

The last thing she thought she could feel was the touch of the most amazing, soft lips on her cheeks, then gently on her lips…then there was nothing but comforting bliss.

“Miss Presley- sorry to wake you, but we have to take your blood.  And we’re going to remove your catheter in a minute.”

Lisa struggled to wake up and for a moment was confused once more.  Oh, that’s right.  Nurses- the hospital. 

Michael?

She looked around, forcing her eyes to focus…

Nope- no one here, just the nurse sticking her with a needle.  Lisa squeezed her eyes shut against the pain of the sharp prick.  Or, was it against the pain from the realization that again she had been fooled by her overactive pain.

“Ok, we will bring your breakfast in a minute- and you have a visitor already.”

Hope rushed through her- until the door opened and Danny peeked in.

Of course. Whom else had she expected?  She was such a dumb ass!

“Hey, sunshine! You look a bit better this morning. Slightly glum, but better. You and that pout- good thing it looks good on our kids.”

Danny came up to the bed and bent down to kiss her on the cheek.

He gave her hand a squeeze. “Seriously, Lise, I’m so happy to see you with some color in those cheeks. We’ll have you home in no time.”

Danny was about to sit down, when both their eyes fell on the chair.

Lisa felt her blood draining from her only to rush with dizzying speed through her again, making her head tingle, and causing her to question her sanity.

Danny’s “What the fuck?” and the opening of the door occurred at the same time.

Lisa’s mouth dropped open. 

“Morning, Princess- I just ran out to make sure they got all your favorite jellos ready for you. I warned them you would throw the orange kind at them- and made then stock up on lime.” Michael beamed at her with the most dazzling smile. How did he remember those details? 

And why was that her biggest question right now?

“What the hell are you doing here, Jackson?” Danny was still holding on to her, and Lisa slowly withdrew her hand when she saw Michael’s eyes resting on it. Was that a smile she detected in response?

“Michael…” She was still glad she was sitting down… Her voice was that of a little girl on Christmas morning. This was so similar to all the times she dreamt of her father being with her- only this time, being awake had not hurled her back into despair.

It had not been a dream.  He was here. For her… With her…

“Yeah, baby. I’m here. Hi, Keough- you look as if you just seen a ghost. Thanks so much for not sitting on my hat, by the way.” Michael stepped up close, removed his fedora both Lisa and Danny had been staring at moments earlier from the chair, bent over to kiss Lisa on her lips, and sat down next to hear on the bed as if it was the most logical place for him to be. 

“So, how is everyone on this magical morning?”

Lisa could not help herself, and her laughter rang out loud, echoing against the hospital walls which suddenly felt warm and welcoming. 

How was she?

She was alright.  She’d have to deal with the drama later- but for now, the sound of Michael’s laughter joining hers was all she needed to survive.  Her planet was back where it belonged- set to orbit around his sun.

(to be continued)

 

©2012 Erika B Michaels. All Rights Reserved. This story is a work of fiction. Any names, places, and other identifying features are used in a fictional manner, for entertainment purposes only, and are in no way representative of actual events. This work may not be reproduced, copied, transmitted, or stored without expressed written permission by Erika B Michaels. All photos and images, mentioned songs or song titles are copyright their creators. ABSOLUTELY no disrespect is intended to any persons portrayed in this work.