The Difference-Chapter 18

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18



Floating in a layer of clouds, the first sensation filtering in was someone’s weight on him.  Had Paris, Blanket, or both snuck into the bed again? Michael tried hard to open his eyes, but sleep continued to pull him back under its comforting fog.  Well, not really sleep; it was that odd in-between state where perceptions drifted seamlessly between reality and sleep induced hallucinations.  Normally, it was pretty easy to wake up, mostly, because he never seemed to fall asleep soundly enough to have to struggle back to the surface like this.  For some reason, this morning, everything felt like he had been in some kind of wonderful, deep coma.

No dreams, no nightmares, no fears…just darkness and comfort.  He could not remember the last time he had slept like this. 

His eyes flew open. 

Oh yes, he did.  This kind of sleep was what he had once jokingly termed Lisa-induced coma.  It was not clear if her name or her unique scent won the race to the recall centers of his brain, bringing back a flood of images, sensations, and emotions.  Emotions?  Oh darn, so much for being emotionally vacant where Lisa was concerned.  As he slowly oriented himself to place and time, he realized he was in his Westwood condo, on his back, in his bed.  The weight he felt was due to Lisa being half on top of his body;  an arm and a leg draped over him in an unconscious effort to keep him shackled.  Her hair was spread out across his chest, covering up her face, tickling his skin. 

Michael tried to move without disturbing her.  The motivation was arising less from wanting to let her sleep longer than from the fact that her being awake would mean having to deal with the reality of what had happened between them.  How could he possible answer her questions if he had no clue how he had ended up like this.  Again. 

Really, Mike?  No clue?  Not like you ask her to strip for you or anything.

Shoot.  He sure had.  What devils had ridden him?  And then, he had let her stay.  Well, it would have been cruel to kick her out in the middle of the night.

Ok, tough guy: Had you not resolved to stop wasting any kind feelings on her?

 That was before.  Before she had broken down, asking him to not make her leave.  Before he was stunned to realize that the last thing he wanted was for her to walk out that door.  Before she had come back from his room, dressed in nothing but his shirt, stirring some ancient masculine pride and possessiveness.  She was wearing his clothing here in his place, and he wanted, no- needed- to have her back in his arms.  Suddenly, he had craved to taste her, to drink her, to brand her with his tongue.  To him, this was the ultimate act of intimacy, the ultimate act of possessing her.  It must have been some kind of madness induced by having her body on him and around him, her eyes wrapping him into the azure haze, transporting him to another universe where confusion, anger, and regret no longer existed. 

Sure, the questions had returned.  He heard his own insecurities spoken in her words.  He also wondered where in the world the past hours left them on the continuum ranging from strangers to lovers, friends, partners…  Over the years, they had run the full gambit and had skipped around those definitions without ever fully settling on one.  A day ago, he would have said they were strangers- separated by the emotional equivalent of fifty Grand Canyons.   Now what?   The questions were there, alright.  Driven by intense fatigue and certainly a measure of cowardice, it had been so easy to push them aside, to let himself drift into the beckoning, silver-blue fog of sleep.  Usually, that kind of sleep was a retreating mirage, a treacherous vision, always just out of reach.  Last night- or this morning- it had raced toward him, enveloping and sheltering him. 

Ok, moving did not work.  How did this little woman manage to become such dead weight?  He attempted to shift once more, and Lisa made a little moaning sound, snuggling more into him.  Without knowing what he was doing, he reached out and brushed some of the golden tendrils to the side, revealing her half open mouth and flushed cheeks.  She looked so young and he cursed the sudden wave of tenderness sweeping him.  As before, alarm bells went off immediately.

Suddenly, Michael recalled part of his dream world from the previous night.  Oh, could he not have stayed blessedly unaware?

He had observed himself sleeping next to Lisa, not unlike the image greeting him in reality upon  waking.  Suddenly, the door had been ripped open and police officers had rushed in, pulling him out of bed, naked, still drugged from sleep.  He had struggled, tried to tell them that they had no right to intrude, that he had been found innocent.  That he was free.

“Innocent?  Are you on drugs, boy?  You’ve been found guilty and we finally get to haul your ass in.  Oh you will love what awaits you downtown… You're gonna find some great friends in prison.”

Summoning hidden internal strength, Michael had tried to rush past the man, shoving him to the side.  His desperate advance was stopped by someone standing in the shadows.  He thought it was a slender man, but when he was closer a beam of light struck her face- and he realized it was Julia…

Julia, thank God, I am so glad you got here.  Call Tom…I need his help…please help me.”

“Help you?  You son of a bitch! You double crossed me for this little whore. And now you want my help?”

“I’m so sorry.  But I never promised you anything, Julia.  I had no idea this was going to happen.  I swear.  But why in the world would you lead the cops here? Why? I thought we were friends.”

He remembered the feelings of sadness and desperation run though him, filling him.  Another person whom he had trusted.  Another time he had been fooled.  A never ending string of traitors.

“We are friends.  Why do you think I’m here, Michael?”

Confusion….

What was she talking about?  Was she not here with the cops?  Oh no! The cops…. He could not let them humiliate Lisa.  He had to get her out of here!

Turning, he was getting ready to yell at them to leave her alone, to let her leave, when he noticed the cop acting very chummy with her, reaching out to her.  Helping her up…

“Sorry about this, Miss Presley.  Sorry you had to go to bed with this dirty bastard one more time…  But you were right; it was the only way to find him.”

What were they talking about?  How did Lisa help them?  She would not do that.  She would not hurt him.  She had told him she loved him and was there to make amends.

Absolute horror constricted his throat.

“No, Lisa, tell me they are lying.  You said you loved me!”

Lisa laughed, a cold sneer distorting the face he had kissed hours ago. “Michael, you are so fucking gullible. When was the last time I told you the truth? Yet you never fail to fall for my crap.  Truly amazing.  And useful.  But seriously, get real.  Do you think I would allow a pervert like you to ever touch me again if it was not for the greater good of humanity?”

“See, Michael?  See her for who she is?  You are such an idiot! You had a good, easy thing going with us.  And you let her back in?  You deserve what you’re getting.  And thank God your children will be spared from being exposed to your bad judgment.”

His children.  He had to get out of here.  He would not survive being separated from them.  He would not survive prison. 

Frantically, he looked around as the cops slowly encroached on his space.  Their hands were on their guns. The walls seemed to literally close in on him.  Breathing became difficult.  His vision started to blur as his chest constricted. He felt beads of sweat trickling down his back.

“Come on, Jackson.  Do the taxpayers a favor…make a stupid move…just one…”

The door was still blocked by Julia, and he could not be sure of her motives right now.

The cops were on either side of the bed.

Only one way out.

The balcony.

Maybe he could risk it.

Maybe he could jump.

He was not that high up.

Like a madman, he darted to the side, dashing to the sliding glass door, pulling it open.  Suddenly, he was not at the condo anymore, he was in New York, on top of Trump Tower.  He turned, and the railing had disappeared.  One wrong move and he’d create an interesting new pattern on 5^th Avenue. 

“Michael! Don’t do this- come back. Come on, don’t give in like this…fight…” Julia called out to him.

Every shred of trust was gone.  Everyone was out to get him.  He took a step back.  Then another.  On the third step, he felt only air beneath him. 

No!

Not like this! She was right- he had to fight.  He could not leave his children like this.

Everything went into slow motion and he felt himself falling.  Desperately, his hands grabbed fistfuls of air.  At the last possible second, the matter turned to concrete as his fingers grabbed on to the edge.  His arms burned, every muscle, every tendon, every bone screamed out form the effort to pull himself back to safety.  Some detached part of his mind reminded him that there was no safety above him- that he had lost either way.  Still, he had chosen life and struggled hard to keep fighting.

A face appeared.

The devil.

An angel.

The sun behind her.  Tears streaming down her face.

Her hand reaching out to him.

The poisonous snake ready to strike.

“Mike. Oh God! Baby! I’m so sorry! I had no choice! I never would have done it.  They made me.  They threatened the kids.  I could not lose Riley and Ben. Oh, God forgive me! I would never hurt you again! Don’t you feel it?  Didn’t you see it in my eyes?  How could you not trust me?”

Laughing would surely make him lose his grip. 

Trust her? 

Again?

“Don’t trust her, Michael! Here, take my hand! I am here for you.  I told you I will be your friend.”

Julia- her hand reached out to him as well.

“Michael.  Think of us! Think of our history.  Who let the cops in?  What do you know about her? I swore to you I would not let you down again.  Don’t do this…take my hand.”

And he did it.  What a crazy, reckless thing to do!

Just when he thought he would plummet down, not able to hold himself suspended any longer, his fingers connected with hers.  Anchored him.  Saved him. He took a burning breath.

“Michael! She will drop you.  I can’t believe you did this!” Julia was crying, but her face faded as all he could see was Lisa.  Her eyes.  The gleam behind her warm and golden, lifting him, surrounding him.

Just when he thought he was rescued, a weight he could not pinpoint started to drag him down.  Lisa’s eyes became huge.  He reached up with his second hand and she interlaced her fingers with his once more.

“No, Lise.  Let go.  We can’t make it.  Something is pulling me down.  I can’t make it.  Let go, you will go down, too.  You gotta let go.”

Her face was still and serene.  Time once again stood still.

The most beautiful smile graced her face.  Yes, an angel, he was sure of it now.

“No, Michael.  I’m never letting go.  No more being miserable without each other.”

A sob rose and scalded his throat.

“We’ll both die! Don’t be stupid.”  Was it raining?  His face felt wet.  Tears- of sadness and joy.

Her upper body was now almost off the ledge- her fingers still interwoven with his.

“Without you, I’m already dead.”

Had he been that wrong?  Had he misjudged her- again?  He would have bet all his money that her sense of self-preservation would prevail.

There was another pull on him and he felt himself slipping.  Becoming weightless, the eery sensation of the impending fall filled him.  He was still connected to Lisa who had come off the ledge now.  All he saw were her eyes.  Full of fear- full of tears…and yet, a smile on her face as they fell.  The fear was gone.  As the ground raced closer he started to melt into the heaven of her soul.

The sensation of falling had finally sufficed to jerk him out of the nightmare.  Coming out of the dream had been like resurfacing from a dive, and he took a deep breath, his lungs aching. And here he had thought he had no nightmares last night.  What an idiotic assumption.  Why would this night be that different?  Lisa’s presence might be enough to induce sleep, but she was not enough to contain his constant companions: the shadowy visions, the sweat inducing horrors, the torturous evils of his mind.

He had woken with a start, his breathing ragged, his heart beating in his throat.  Shaken, he made it to the bathroom, staring into the mirror with unseeing eyes. 

It’s ok.  It’s just a dream.  You are safe.  It’s over.  They can’t hurt you.

His never-ending mantra. 

Splashing his face with some cold water, he noticed his trembling hands.

This is pretty bad.  Look at yourself.  You’re a mess. Just do it, Mike.  Take a pill.  It’s not like you haven’t tried to make it without.  The docs said you could have up to three Lorazepam if it gets bad.  Just this once.  You will feel so much better.

He reached out and found the orange bottle.  Not able to keep his fingers still, he struggled to open it without spilling the pills into the sink. 

No- wait! He had not tried everything.  What about his grounding skills?

Normally, he would try to go and look at the kids.  Make sure they were ok.  But they were not here to help him get his nervous system to cool down.  Maybe he could call his mother.  Surely, she would understand.  It might make a difference just to know they slept well.

No, don’t be stupid.  Don’t wake Mother.  Just take the damn pill! You will go back to bed and you will be just fine.

Back to bed. 

His gaze ventured past the half open door and found the curled up figure in his bed.

Maybe he could wake her.  He used to share his nightmares with her.  She’d wrap her arms around him and assure him it was all just floating spirits of the night taking his fears hostage. He had trusted her with his insecurities and his terrors.  In another life-time. 

She’s part of the reason you are fucked up.  Just take the meds.  You don’t need her. 

Well, he didn’t know exactly what he needed.  But he did not feel like giving in again.  He was in charge, not some pharmaceutical parachute. Slamming the top onto the bottle and throwing it back into the cabinet, the only thing he knew for sure was that he did not need this shit, either.

When he made it back to bed, Lisa’s back was toward him, and, like a heat-seeking missile, she snuggled against him, ending up in their favorite spooning position.  Again, an unwelcome reminder of that other life-time.  The strange return trip into deja-vue land continued.  Powerless, his arm came around her.  Maybe the journey was not all bad.  She felt so good against him.

The softness of her skin stunned him.  She was asleep.  It was safe to do what he wanted to: he tenderly kissed her shoulder.  His reward was a soft moan and a movement against his pelvis, causing him to forget all about any nightmares and instead wondering  if it was a good idea to hold her so close.  Oh, what the heck? She was asleep.  He might as well explore a little. His hand found her breast and her nipple responded automatically when he surrounded the areola, feeling the skin morph from smooth to crinkled, the tip becoming hard and distended.  Was he taking advantage of her? Maybe he should just stop this and go back to sleep.

“Michael…I love you so much…”

Her small hand found his.  Ok, end of exploration.  But no, she did not pull his hand away.  Instead, she guided it down to her center which he discovered to be warm and wet.  Surely, she did not know what was going on.  The sane thing was to stop and roll over- let her stay asleep…  Sanity was highly overrated, however.

A few minutes later, such deliberations ceased to matter, when he nudged her thighs apart and entered her hot wetness, driving into her, finding solace and relief, heaven and hell, as Lisa moaned and moved against him before tightening like a vice, her muscles squeezing him, massaging him. Her small cries and frantic movements were answered by his own moans a second before he started seeing stars once more, his hot seed spilling into her as he helplessly thrust into her warm body. 

He was not clear when he had fallen asleep again, but the last thing he remembered was not feeling any urge to leave her tight sheath, deciding to just stay put until nature would force him from her. 

Lisa finally stirred, as if awoken by his thoughts.  She yawned and then looked up at him, her heavily lidded eyes focusing on him.

This morning, she was the immage of sweetness and innocence.  With the mouth of the most sinful temptress and the eyes of pure seduction.  Reaching out, he touched her cheek and found himself smiling down at her like a love-sick idiot.  This was so not good.  He knew what normally happened on mornings like these:  Drugged by the effects of some crazy, nature defying sex marathon, they would rush head-first into another “new beginning.”  Of course, usually within the span of a day, they returned to their old mistakes.  The definition of insanity was coined for them: to try the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome.  Which never came.

Knowing this, he still could not suppress the grin.  Neither could he help the delight at feeling her muscles relax into him as her features softened even more.  The small smile that had been on her lips now entered her eyes, changing their color to a hue he had worked hard to forget. No such luck!

“Hey.” Her voice was heavy and dark from sleep.

“Hey, sleepy. Glad you finally moved.  You’re heavy.”

She laughed and pinched his side, causing him to yelp out in surprise.

“Thanks a lot! You snore.”

His eyes widened.  No, he most certainly did not snore! She was such a liar!

“Hey! Take it back!”

Lisa rolled off him, and he immediately regretted the loss of her warmth. 

She moaned.

“You ok, Lise?”

“Fuck! I am sore as shit! Did you beat me up while I was asleep?”

“If I did, you must have fought back pretty hard.  I have to say I detect some stiffness, too.”

An evil glint entered her eyes, and she laughed in her throaty tone. “I bet.”

Well, she was correct in her guess which was revealed by her eyes travelling to the tent that had developed miraculously under his sheet.  But other than that, he really felt that his legs and back were stiff as well. 

“Seriously…you are not healthy for me. I was told to take it easy.”

“I did not see you taking it easy when you recreated some of your most famous moves, oh great one.”

Pride both at still being able to surprise her as well as having been physically able to rise with her on him before fucking her senseless against yet another wall caused his chest to swell. 

“I aim to please, my lady.” He pulled her close once again and kissed her head.

“And please you did.”  She looked up at him, her brows pulled together, her eyes suspiciously narrowed. “Hey! Did we do it again…I mean…after we got to bed?”

“If you need to ask I guess I need to re-aim...” He pulled her close, and kissed her sweetly.  This was so messed up! He really needed to have a serious talk with her.  Telling her that all this did not translate into a new relationship.  But how… How could he do this when it felt so otherworldly right to have her close?  Maybe he was wrong.  Maybe they could start out one more time…try being friends…with benefits.

Mike.  You are a lonely, horny idiot! Don’t fall back into old traps! She has a fiancé, remember?

No, she has an almost fiancé.  With funny hair and obviously no balls.

Lisa engaged fully in the kiss. Apparently, she also had forgotten about the almost-fiancé. 

“Hmmmm.” Breaking away for him, she licked her lips, her eyes still closed.  “I think we did, but I might have dreamt it. So, did we?” Her eyes were half open now, regarding him like a hungry cat.

“What did it feel like?” He kissed her neck, letting his tongue and his teeth play with her skin, watching her shiver under him.

“It felt like I had Michael Jackson’s big, huge, strong, invincible…” Her head fell back, relinquishing her throat to him.

“Yeah…keep talking baby…” He found her earlobe.

“…Ego to deal with.” She laughed and rolled over as he swatted her butt.

“You are such a bad girl!”

Her head turned, her face partially hidden by her hair as her eyes took on a greenish glint, gleaming over at him.

“You have NO idea.”

His fingers caressed her perfectly round ass.  “Oh, I think I do.”

Lisa raised up on her elbows.  “So, does that mean you took me in my sleep?” Oddly, she did not look mad or upset at all.  Well, she had been a more than willing participant, so why would she be mad?

“No, I didn’t say that.  Maybe you dreamt it.  What did it feel like to have my huge, big, long, strong…ego…to deal with? Maybe, if you tell me, it will refresh my memory.”

Lisa brushed her hair behind her ear. “It felt like every part of me was filled with you, Michael.  If felt like I touched heaven when I came.  I felt galactic storms race through me.  It felt like you touched my heart and my soul.” Her eyes had turned from playful and flirty to dead-serious.

He swallowed.

“So, was it a dream?” He let his fingers travel the bountiful terrain from her rounded rump up her toned back to her shoulders, then, vertebrae by vertebrae back to the valley of joy and the amazing globes of her ass.  Lisa sighed.

“I don’t know.  But if it was a dream, I want to dream it every night.”

Rolling over, she deprived him of the feel of her behind, but made it up by letting him feast on her lips.  That serious conversation moved further and further away. 

“But you know, what, Mike?”

“Hm…” He enjoyed tracing her lips and dancing with her velvety tongue.

“If it was a dream, I really don’t get why I woke up and found you still inside of me…Funny dream, hum?”

Evil woman! She had known all along. 

“I have no idea what you mean. Unless, maybe my penis was sleep- walking.”

Lisa stilled, and they looked at each other before bursting into laughter. 

They now had officially entered danger territory.  This was the place he once called home.  The place where he felt relaxed and at ease.  The place he could allow himself to joke and just be silly.  The place where he could be the kid that he thought would always be a part of him.  That innocent, playful part- his inner child.  The life-form that had been murdered during the past years.  So what was he feeling now?   It was impossible.  Life support had been removed.  But, oh miracle, instead of dying, it seemed to want to come back to life and breathe on its own.

Don’t do it.  It is way too dangerous! If you fall again, every part of you will die.  At least now, you have the part that can take care of the children left.  Don’t let her maim you! You don’t need all this other nonsense.

Was it nonsense, though?  Or was he depriving himself?

“Hey- you wanna eat?”  Maybe if he turned the subject back to mundane matters, he could break the spell.

Lisa shot him a naughty look, licking her lips.

“Are you propositioning me- again? Eat what, Mr. Jackson?” Her eyes dipped south again.

Well, - not altogether a bad idea, but he thought it was wiser to find some other nourishment this time.  The rumbling in his stomach made him realize that he was actually hungry- a small miracle in itself.  Odd, how Lisa turned his whole biorhythm on its head.  Living with her might make him downright healthy once more.

Unless you die from the broken heart you will get handed once again.  It’s the only logical outcome.  That, and your balls on a platter.

Michael cringed at his inner voice.  Well- his sense of self-preservation was working just fine this morning.  To ensure that would continue to be the case, he really had to get the heck out of bed and get some clothes on himself and Lisa.  And, his shirt on her was not going to do the trick this time.

He jumped up before he could change his mind, his back to her, trying to figure out where he had put his pajama pants.  Oh, that’s right.  They were somewhere in the den.  Thoughts of him flinging them off did nothing to calm the part of his anatomy that told him it was a really, really stupid idea to leave a naked, willing woman alone in his bed.  Even if the woman was Lisa. Or especially, if the woman was Lisa.  As much as his brain rebelled against her at times, his heart and his manhood were big fans, it seemed. 

“No, lady.  I think you need a break.  I want to make sure you are still able to walk out of here in one piece.”

Lisa rolled toward him and sat up behind him, hugging him, her breast pushed into him, her arms coming around his chest. 

“Don’t worry about me, old man. I think it’s you who really needs a breather.  And since I seem to be hell-bend on saving you, I better stop trying to fuck you to death.”

Did she really have to be so close?  And did she have to evoke such crazy images in his head, causing blood to rush to all the wrong places? 

Grabbing her hands, kissing them, he managed to untangle himself form her embrace and finally got up.   Oddly enough, he felt the strange sense of awkwardness he had also battled yesterday.  It was so strange being naked around another person again.  Especially, when this person had once known every inch of his body.  Well, even though she certainly looked and felt familiar enough, she still seemed like a stranger right now.  There was something different about her, and he was afraid he was not going to be able to offer anything to this new woman in Lisa’s body.  Even if he could somehow bring himself to trust her- what did he have to give?  And had he not learned the hard way that any relationship was doomed if both partners were not willing or able to contribute to what he called the emotional bank account?  There could be give and take- but in the end the books had to balance. 

It seemed he had finally woken up and seen the need to be responsible in his business and personal life.  And all it had taken was his world to be bombed into nuclear winter.  Rebirth was strangely overrated!

He made it over to the drawer and pulled out the first pair of pants he found.  The strange tingling sensation he could not pinpoint made him turn, finding her eyes on him as she followed his every move.

“What?”

“You know what?” She was on her side now, her head in the palm of her hand.  His eyes took one more pleasurable journey over the enticing landscape of her body- riding the gentle sway of her chest to the amazing dip to her waste and up toward the rounded bootie. 

Food, Michael! Focus!

He finally managed to step into the pj’s.  “No, what? Have you decided what you want?”

“Food…or…?” She winked at him and he could not help but laugh.

“Will you stop it, naughty! Yes, food.”

“Well, I was going to tell you that despite having lost all that weight you still got the most amazing ass I have ever seen, but I guess I can give you my breakfast order instead.”

Was he actually blushing?  Did she really still like his body?  Or was she just lying, trying to prey on his insecurities.  Having to second guess her every word was getting exhausting. 

“Yeah, there is a diner down the street and I can call in an order.  They deliver here. They have the best shrimp and avocado omelets.”

“And here I thought you were going to cook for me.”

“I would, but there isn’t much here to cook with.  I do think I have fresh fruit and I can make some coffee.”

“You’re gonna spoil me.”

“Not possibly.  You’re already a spoiled brat.” 

The answer came in the form of a flying pillow.  And he had to use utmost restraint to not engage her in a pillow fight.  The scenario was too tempting- and it would probably end with him back on the bed, forgetting all about breakfast or clothing.  Or any soreness he or Lisa might be suffering from. 

No, control.  He had to make it through this morning with control and restraint.  Last night was…  Words escaped him.  A crazy anomaly… yes, that was it.  Something like snow in July in California.  A miracle of nature that would confuse, dumfound, entrance, and spellbind you, before you realized that there weren’t any snow ploughs in California and therefore snow would lead to chaos.  Same with Lisa in his life:  Chaos was the natural outcome.  So safety procedures had be to initiated asap. 

He did pick the pillow up and shook his head at her, wagging his finger at her playfully.  “Uhum! You are such a brat, see? You made my point for me.”

Her eyebrow was raised in challenge.  “Whatcha gonna do about it?”

What he wanted to do was something totally different from what he ended up doing when he tossed a pair of sweatpants and a shirt at her.

“Here- cover up, before I show you what I do with brats like you.”

“Promises, promises, big guy.  Hey, whose clothes are those? I don’t want to misappropriate your girl-friend’s wardrobe.”

He saw the fishing expedition for what it was.

“They are Janet’s.  She hides out here sometimes. About those omelets?”

“Sounds good, even though I should only have coffee.  I am touring in a couple of weeks and I don’t want to get my weight up.”

“A wise woman once told me I had to eat before I tour to not wear myself out.  Or does she only dish out advice and not take it?”

“Fine, wise-ass.  I’ll eat if you do, too.”

“Fine.”  Walking out of the room, he turned once more.  His brain still had considerable trouble believing she was really here.  Why did she have to work her way into his life again?  How would he handle seeing his bed empty again after she was gone?

“What? Change your mind?”  She rolled on her back, angling one leg in a way granting him the most tantalizing view, making his mouth water- and not for breakfast.

“Get dressed, Lisa.  I’ll put coffee on and order the food.”  Without meaning to, his tone had turned from light and playful to serious. 

Her smile slipped from her face and her eyes turned solemn.  He turned and walked out before having to make sense of her confusion.  He looked down at the pillow he still held.  He had meant to throw it at her- but somehow the fun mood had dissipated.  It occurred to him that he was more messed up than he gave himself credit for.

Several minutes later, he had put on coffee and, after ordering the omelets, cut up some fruit when the phone rang.  

“Daddy! Where are you?”

Paris.  His eyes flew to the clock.  It was almost 11:30! He had promised the kids to come by early in the morning to take them to a Disney marathon at a friend’s private theatre. 

“Morning, angel.  I’m sorry.  I totally lost track of time.”

He felt horrible.  The children were always a priority and the guilt about having let an outsider intrude on their plans did not sit well with him.

“Are we still going to the movies?  Prince said you probably got busy with business stuff again like you did all last year.  But I told him that no, you said you were done with that.  He’s wrong, right, Daddy?”

“Yeah, baby.  I’m done with that business.  But look, would you guys mind horribly of your buds took you? Or maybe Grandmother would like to go with you.”

The kids started to call the security team their “buds” – and he had gotten very used to use their little code words.

“Why, Daddy? Don’t you wanna go?”

He heard Prince in the background, chiding his sister for being “a ninny” and for making “a fuss.”

“Am not, be quiet.  I’m the one on the phone, Prince!” He could tell she had put her hand over the receiver, trying to keep her squabble from her father, as he always pointed out to be kind and understanding toward each other.

“Paris- I do want to go.  But…something has come up, and I won’t be able to get away…I’m so sorry.”

It was gut-wrenching to have to lie to his daughter, even if it was about something so insignificant.  He also hated to disappoint them.  The past year had brought so many lies as he had tried desperately to shield the children from what had been going on in court.  It had been the performance of his life, trying to portray the carefree, fun loving father they were used to.  Of course, he had failed miserably.  Kids had such incredible radar.  They might not know the details of events, but he was pretty sure all three knew he had been through some sort of hell.

Those three small people were his life and his life-saviors.  He owed them so much.  Nothing was more important than to make sure they had the best life any child could have.  And nothing and no-one, especially not Lisa, who had deprived him of a family, had a right to intrude on his time with them.  The time for her chance to be part of his family had come and gone.  More than once, as a matter of fact.  And she had chickened out each and every time. 

“Hey, Mike! I’m gonna take a quick shower, ok?” Lisa stuck her head out the door and he covered up the phone, nodding at her. 

“Yeah, go ahead.”

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.” She looked at the phone, then turned and closed the door behind her without another gaze.  Did she look embarrassed?  Who did she think he was talking to?  Was she jealous, thinking it was another woman? Or did she really not care and wanted to give him his privacy?

“Daddy, who was that?”

Great.  This was getting too complicated for his taste.

“Just a business associate.  Paris, let me talk to your grandmother real quick.  I am so sorry for missing our outing.  Tell Prince and Blanket I will make it up to you guys later.  How about we go on an ice-cream safari?” The kids loved to cruise around LA, finding their favorite ice-cream places, were they were allowed small helpings.  The activity was normally reserved for special occasions, but he felt he had to make it up to them somehow for standing them up. Paris enthusiastically let him off the hook and handed the phone to her grandmother.

“Michael- I was getting worried when you did not call.  Are you ok?”

“I’m fine, mother.  I am sorry I missed taking the kids to the movies.  I overslept.”

“Oh, good, I am so pleased to hear that, Michael. That means you actually got some sleep.  The kids are fine- I told them already I could take them if you wouldn’t make it.”

“That would be so wonderful.  I’ll come by later and pick them up.”

“Paris said you had a business meeting? How are you managing that if you overslept?”

Great.  Mother was no dummy. If there was one single thing on this earth he hated more than bending the truth to his children, it was lying to his mother.  He was just racking up guilt points this morning.

“I had a friend stop by.”

“Paris said it was a woman?”

Mother had smelled blood and was not letting go. And he was not about to lie to her.

“Yeah.”

“Michael, I am really glad to hear you seem to have found some sense of normalcy again, but I really hope you did not pick up some unsavory woman just to beat being lonely last night.  I did not keep your children for you to be…engaging in that kind of activities.”

Had she just said ‘unsavory women?’ The only unsavory woman he had been hanging out with was the one his mother had been cramming down his throat for years.  Really, if one wanted to be exact, it was mother who set all this into motion when she told Lisa he was in New York.

“Mother.  Last time I checked I was an adult.”

“Michael, I am well aware of that fact.  But that does not mean I do not worry.  You are vulnerable.  And I would hope you are not going down the same sad road your father and brothers have taken so many times...”

Oh bother.  Here she went with the guilt trip. 

“Lisa-Marie is here, mother.”

Well, that had come out before he had a second to consider the words. As soon as he heard the sentence, he wished he could rewind and erase it. Life should be run according to recording studio rules.

Silence.

“Oh…oh my.  My word…”

Yeah, he could relate.  He felt the same way. 

Speechless.

Incredulous.

Stunned.

“That is…quite a surprise, son.  I thought you were sold on not letting her back into your life.”

“Yes, me, too.”

And she was not.  She simply had managed to make it back into his bed.  That was all. 

How long do you think you can lie to yourself before you cave in and become complicit in this latest round of self-injury?

While he was not above deluding himself, he thought it was best to not insult his mother with any lies or half-truths.  Katherine was well aware of his and Lisa’s past and therefore she was probably fairly sure Lisa had not stopped by for coffee.  But his mother also had an overactive, over-romantic imagination and she was probably already drafting her next speech about the need for him to have a woman,- this woman, to be specific, in his life.

“Well, ok, Michael.  I am sure you know what’s best.  Tell Lisa, I said, hi.  And just let me know when you plan to get here.  Take your time.”

My, how the worm could turn!

“Ok, mother, thank you.  And thank you so much for taking care of the gang.”

“It’s a pleasure.  I can’t believe you will soon be taking them away, Michael.  But I understand.  I am sure you know what is best.”

Great move, mother- more guilt.  Of course she meant well.  And he could not really expect her to like his plan to take himself and the grandchildren she finally had gotten to know better away again.  However, there simply was no other way to survive.  Public opinion and judgment still ran to strong here.  Running away had not really been his style in the past.  However, all the fight had left him and he was not able to muster up the energy it would take to live with the hidden glances and sneers.

The plan had been to make a clean get-away.  Now, Lisa was fogging up his crystal clear vision.  Less than 12 hours ago, he had been sure that he wanted nothing more than to have her out of his life.  For good.  She had sprung her “truth” on him and it had sickened him to the core.  Why did she have to play with him in such a monumental way?  To take his feelings for her and then lie about her own- to what? Protect him?  From what?  Happiness?  A chance at love?  Hope in the face of chaos?

Every time he tried to wrap his head around it, anger stirred the dark sentiments in his gut.  That anger alone would have been enough to fuel a lifetime of keeping her at arms-length.  Then, she had used her sexuality and his addiction to her to get in his bed.  Why?  To prove she could, for no other reason!

Unless, she really does care for me.

No, if she did, she would understand that escape was the only ray of light for a bearable future.

Lost in thought, he noticed pain slice through him.

“Shit!” Dropping the knife, he stared at the bead of blood developing on his finger where he had cut himself while slicing strawberries. 

“What did you do? Are you ok?  Let me see….” Lisa had appeared just in time to survey the damage he had inflicted on himself.  The damage she had caused.  If she would just stay out of his thoughts for any sane amount of time, he might actually have a chance of surviving.  Well, maybe thinking of dying after a small cut was a bit exaggerated, but his thought had sent him off into an inner tirade against the woman who once again had become the centerpiece of his cognitive world.

“It’s nothing.  Just a little cut.” Turning away, he sucked on the wound.

“Don’t be such a baby.  Let me see, will you?”  Lisa pulled his hand toward her.

“What? Did you add nursing to your talents?”

“Yeah, and wrestling, too.  And I will lay your skinny ass out on the floor if you don’t let me see.”

What was it about the fierce little creature that made him smile and forget his anger just like that?

“You need to work on your bedside manner.”

“Oh yeah?” Lisa pulled his finger close and walked over to the kitchen window, forcing him to be dragged along. She surveyed the cut and he watched her worried expression.  She was such a little mother-hen.  The perfect mother.  The woman he once had desired to be the mother of his children…

Damn his thought! Did they always have to return to the same manure pit like a hoard of starving flies?

“Do you have Band-Aids?  It’s looks ok.  But let me clean it out.  Other than that, I think you will live.”

“I gotta work on my suicide plan, I guess.  Failed again.”

Her eyes flew up at him, light and almost translucent like aqua glass, and he felt as if he was under a magnifying lens.

“Very funny. Don’t even joke, Mike.”

“Oh come on, Lisa.  You know me better than that.”

“I once thought I did.  But I also know what people can be driven to.”  Her voice drifted off as she turned the water on, and reached for the antibacterial wash he had sitting by the kitchen sink.

Yeah, she would know.  There had been a time when Lisa had shocked his stubborn ass back to reality after having been informed she had suffered a mental and physical breakdown following their divorce.  Another time she had used more than questionable methods to get what she wanted.  She had left him- filed for divorce, and later had told him it had been to force his hand.  Since when did divorce papers inspire warm and fuzzy sentiments that made the estranged spouse come flying back?  So, he had called her bluff.  And they both lost. 

There was however, no doubt that Lisa’s apparent suicide attempt was not a ploy.  She had been serious.  And somehow he had sensed it. He had felt off for days, wondering why he had been restless and scared- more so than normal.  Prince was a small baby- and at first he had thought it was all about due to new parent anxieties.  After all his wishes and hopes, the reality of having this small, perfect human being in his arms had knocked him on his behind. 

Then he had received the call.  Janet informed him that Lisa had been rushed to the ER after collapsing.  His first question was, “What did she do?”  It was as if he had known.  The reality of what their idiotic stubbornness had almost cost them had sufficed to reconsider everything.  His love for her had broken through like grass thought to be buried under the cemented yard. Forces of nature will always find a way: water, fire, wind…his love for Lisa.  You could not contain or deny them.  Well, he had started to be more careful about what he shared with her and what parts of his life he granted her access to, but the journey back to each other entered a second re-awakening.  And it had not been the last.

Which was why it was essential to kill this new incarnation before it sprouted roots and turned one timid little sapling into a jungle.  Of course, the current extermination was complicated by Lisa tending to him as if he had amputated his arm.  She cleaned the cut, he directed her toward the bandages, and she applied it.  Kissing his finger when she was done.  Such a little care-taker, indeed.

“There.  All better.”

“Great.  Will there be a bill for this?”

“No, it was a purely selfish rescue mission.  I wouldn’t want you to lose any inches off those gorgeous fingers…” Letting go of the injured digit, she directed her attention to the finger next to it, kissing it as well.  Her eyes once again found his, this time, they were dark and mysterious.  When her mouth opened and her tongue snaked around the tip before taking him into her mouth, his penis reacted as if she had treated it in like manner.  The little ‘hmmmmm’ sound she emitted was not helping the situation.

Before he knew what was happening, he had pushed her against the counter.  He stared down at the glistening, pouting lips, and admired the little tongue darting out to lick her lips.  His breathing rate escalated and Lisa’s eyes widened, her pupils swallowing his soul.  She reached out, her hands fisting in his shirt, pulling him even closer.

Get away from her! Now! You don’t want this…

Oh fuck it all to hell…

Of course he wanted this!

His lips came crashing down on her and he pressed up against her.  His tongue started to plunder her mouth and she met his aggressive attack with matching fervor.  One second, his hands were on her shoulders, then they somehow made it to her waist, dipping under her shirt, finding her skin hot and feverish.  Lisa’s hand was on his ass and she pulled him closer.  Her other hand somehow made it into the non-existent space between their hips.  When she found his growing bulge he felt like being hooked up to a secret current: she was his special conduction material- causing sparks to fly through his system as everything became short-circuited.  Obviously, his brain was the first thing to go- it had been totally bypassed.  He moaned as Lisa massaged him through the material.  Never breaking the dizzying kiss, she breached the barrier of his waistband and her hot fingers closed around him, pulling his skin over the turgid center.  Oh God! He was going absolutely crazy!

His own hands also invaded the sweats he now regretted he had made her wear.  Finding her behind, he kneaded the solid globes, spreading them deftly, massaging them, and imagining the skin reddening under his touch.  He pulled her even closer into his erection, then  his fingers went exploring further, finding heat and moisture, causing Lisa to moan loudly into his mouth.  His signal to take a breath.  His signal to take things further.

“So wet already, girl?”

“You have this effect on me, you know…” Her thumb glided over his exposed tip, causing him to shiver.

Wordlessly, she had made her point that he also was affected by her in similar ways.

“Fuck…” In one move, he pulled her pants down and lifted her onto the counter.  The only disadvantage of this was that he basically forced her to relinquish his cock.  Michael spread her legs, exposing her flower to his view. 

“Oh, baby…so pink…so ready…”

His fingers spread her, causing her clitoris to peek out form its protective layers.  His thumb found her as he spread her moisture, causing her to sigh again, throwing her head back. 

“Michael…I thought we’re having breakfast…”

“I intend to, Lisa.  I will eat that pretty little pussy and there is nothing you can do about it.  Keep those legs spread for me, girl.”

His mouth watered and he hungered for his treat.  Bending, he kissed the inside of her thighs…watching her shudder when his tongue traced small patterns on her.  His fingers kept massaging her, tracing her opening, while every so often gliding over the sensitive bundle of nerves. 

“Oh, yeah, baby.  Just like that.  Oh God.  You’re killing me…” Her moaning intensified and her voice was smooth and dark like black velvet. 

When the chime of the intercom rang, Michael initially believed his system was further shutting down, and that the noise was lust ringing his bells. 

“Fucking hell!” Lisa’s curse made it clear that she also heard it. 

“Sorry, baby. Guess you’re saved by the bell.”  He grabbed her waist and helped her jump of the counter, pulling her pants up for her, before making sure he was decent himself.  It was painful to put the rigid staff back into his pants.  Maybe he should just ignore the bell.  His penis certainly agreed, and judging from Lisa’s flushed face and dripping pussy he was sure she’d be more than happy to eat cold food later. Or maybe the interruption was better than to surrender to her wiles again.

“Who said I needed saving?  I was so close,- not fair!” She pouted and he could not help but kiss her once more. “You better make this up to me later. Hey, Mike, you’re not gonna get the door like this, are you?” Lisa giggled while motioning toward the hard-on which was still prominently displayed. 

“Ah, no.  It’s gonna be hard enough walking to the door- but the doorman will leave the food right out there.  That’s how we do it every time.” At least he did not have to actually worry about scaring some poor delivery guy.  His reputation was bad enough.  That’s one tabloid article he had been saved from.

Michael retrieved the food.  When he returned, Lisa was in the process of pouring their coffee.  She looked slightly more composed. 

“Black right?” Her voice still sounded slightly husky. 

“Once you go black…”

Throwing a napkin at him, she was not able to contain her giggle. “You need to do something about that low self-esteem of yours.”

“Hey- are you here with me or with cream cheese boy this morning?”

“Michael! You are horrible!  Color has nothing to do with anything.  I can’t believe you said that.” She was still laughing, though.

“No, Lise.  It’s about the soul- not the color. You gotta have a man who has the soul to move you.”

“And do I? Do I have this man?”

Crap.  He fell into that one wide open.  Seemed like Lisa found her in for that damn serious talk she had been craving.

“If you had him, would you want him still?  Or do you only want him ‘cause you think he’s unavailable?”

Lisa took a couple of bites…letting his question fill the space between them.

“Do you really see me as this shallow and desperate?”

“All I know is that you didn’t want me when I begged you.  When I needed love and shelter.  Now, all of a sudden you want to be part of my life again.  You can’t fault me for being suspicious.”

Food provided her with the perfect excuse to avoid eye-contact.  Which was fine with him.

“It’s not that I didn’t want you, Michael.  I have always wanted you.  I just did not think we could make it work.”

“But now you do.”

This time, the blue eyes found his and did not let him pull away, the azure forcefield holding him anchored.

“I want to, yes.”

“What’s changed?”

“I told you! Why do you have to be so difficult?  You can ask me five thousand times and I will still tell you that I am ready to take that risk because I love you and I think we can be healthier together than we have been apart.”

“And you realize I am leaving.”

“I know you said you were leaving.”

“So, you want me to believe you would leave everything here and come with me?”

“You never really asked.”

And he was not asking now.  He was just posing a hypothetical question.  That was all.  No risk involved.

“You’d leave your mother, the sect you write checks to, Danny, Riff Raff, all this other crap you have here- you’d leave that all for me?”

“Well, I could not do it right away.”

“Ha!” His finger was pointed at her triumphantly.  “I knew it! See?  You’re all words.  And your actions don’t match. You say you wanna be with me.  But when I ask you to leave with me you pull back.”

“You didn’t ask me.  You were being hypothetical, remember?”

Did she really have to know him so well?

“Lisa, I am dead serious.  I am not hanging around here.  For anyone. Is this clear?”

“Oh, it is.  So, let’s go down this road, Michael: If I said yes, I understand, and I will leave with you, what would that mean?  Would you be open for us to be together again? And what would that entail?  Me opening my legs whenever you want to like before without having any assurance?”

Keeping eye-contact for one more minute, he broke away, poking around in the fruit he almost gave his life for to cut, but did not feel like eating now.

“You had every assurance, Lisa.  Don’t come at me with this old stuff.  You chose to bail out on me once again back then.  So excuse me, if I find it a bit hard to believe that you would give up everything to come with me now.”

“I would be an idiot to give it all up, to uproot my kids, without knowing what I am doing it all for.”

“Well guess, what, Lisa?  After months of having my head fucked with by you, I'm not sure what you would do it all for, either. Sue me!”

“So, once again, I was good enough to screw, but that was it?”

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t it you who offered to do anything to convince me?  One night and you expect me to propose to you?”  He hated his cold tone, but he was getting frustrated with the same old script. 

“No, Michael, I don’t expect you to propose.  But I would like to know I we at least have a chance to start again.”

“Lisa-Marie! Can you please listen to what you’re asking of me?  You sprung all this on me yesterday.  I have not had any time to adjust to the news that all of a sudden you say you love me again.  I had no time to adjust.  My head is spinning…and you want answers. Isn’t it enough that this time yesterday, I would never even have thought about us being in any kind of relationship ever again? And that we are here now- having breakfast after spending the night?  And no, I do not just mean sex.  If I did, I would have made you leave.  You know that now.”

“I get that.  Please don’t forget that yesterday at this time, I had already given up on us, too.  I had accepted that you did not want me.  I was ready to move on…”

“By marrying Lockwood.”

Her lips tightened and her eyes flashed in anger.  And yet, she took the comment anyway.

“Then you walked in and everything changed. Now, here we are.  We spent the night together, as you pointed out.  Don’t tell me you don’t feel the same connection we have always had.”

“Sex is not the answer, Lisa.”

“It may not the be the answer, but it can be a start. And didn’t you just say it was not all about sex?”

Damn her for using his own words! She was a master at this game.

“I don't know if this is a new start or just a chain in a never-ending loop.”

“So, you’re telling me that this was it?  That you fucked me, that it was nice, but that you won’t give us another chance?”

With all his power he wished he could tell her the words he knew she needed to hear to nip this in the bud. 

Instead, he reached out and touched her hand.  When she looked up at him, tears sparkled in her eyes. 

“Lisa, you need to let me think about this.  Things are happening too fast. I need time.”

“Time?  You need time?  Didn’t we lose enough of that?  What the fuck do you need time for? You didn’t need time when you fucked your little lawyer right after you had me.”

Great.  If she wanted to kill any chance she had, she should continue down this road.

“Excuse me.  You said, you’d do anything.  Now, you won’t wait?  Were you just lying your ass off again?  Maybe you could do me a favor and tell me now before I lose another year of my life.”

Lisa looked down.  He saw she was chewing on her lip.  Of course he was well aware of her reaction to patience.  She hated to be patient.  Her whole life centered on immediate gratification.  She took a deep breath.

“Fine.  What do you need?  How much time?”

“I don’t know.  I have to process what went down.  You know I …I …”

You know I love you.  You know I’m scared to death.  You know I can’t afford to trust you.

Saying none of the above, he just shook his head.

His cellphone rescued him from having to explain his stammering. His eyes darted around and he spied his phone on the ledge behind Lisa.  She followed his eyes and reached for his phone, getting ready to hand it to him.  She froze, her eyes reflecting the warmth of an arctic icefield.

“Here.  Your little plaything.”

She was not referring to his smart phone.  Handing him the phone, she pushed her chair back and went to the counter to get another cup of coffee.

Staring at Julia’s name on the display, his finger hovered over the ‘accept’ switch.  Maybe he should just let the call to voicemail. Lisa raised an eyebrow, folding her arms across her chest.

“If I give you time, you better get rid of her ass.  Now.”

Was she seriously making demands?  Who the hell did she think she was?  Wasn’t she the one asking him to take her back?  Well, game on, Lisa.

“Hi, Julia. So great to hear from you…”

Lisa’s eyes narrowed and he raised an eyebrow at her in an unspoken challenge.

Game on, it was.

(to be continued)

©2011 Erika B Michaels. All Rights Reserved. This story is a work of fiction. Any names, places, and other identifying features are used in a fictional manner, for entertainment purposes only, and are in no way representative of actual events. This work may not be reproduced, copied, transmitted, or stored without expressed written permission by Erika B Michaels. All photos and images, mentioned songs or song titles are copyright their creators. 

The Difference is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License